HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

Mind Over Matter

Support Forums
>
Ulcerative Colitis
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 1/3/2010 11:06 PM (GMT 0)

My boyfriend often says that this disease is mind over matter and he says because I focus on it so much, I am sicker than I would be. I guess he thinks I am weak-minded because I can't get my mind off this illness and move on with my life. If I were able to do that, in his opinion, I would be able to be a healthy normal person without a bowel disease. I find it very annoying that he thinks this is so simple. He is also very critical of me for coming to this board and for researching alternative medicines. He says that it is a waste of time and that it contributes to me being sicker than I would be. He says the only good advice and the only advice worth following is the advice of a doctor. I completely disagree considering I have had people here help me when I was feeling terrible.

I find his opinion to be a bit insulting. Am I being oversensitive?

Posted 1/3/2010 11:49 PM (GMT 0)
Probably he would like to have more of your undivided attention. To some extent it's true that one's mindset can hinder progress toward remission from UC. It's also possible to get bad advice on the Forum. The most important aspect of successful UC management, I think, is a sound relationship with an experienced gastroenterologist, a doctor you can trust-- who knows many strategies of treatment & keeps up with research developments in IBD. Then you go on from there-- with personal reading & forum participation. Ask your boyfriend if he thinks a diabetic has to pay attention to his/her medical condition. Then tell him it's similar for someone with UC-- because the potential to cause problems that a totally healthy person never has to think about will always be there for us! I can understand why you feel insulted, but try not to let this get you down. There's a lot of insensitivity in the world. / Old Hat (30 yrs with left-sided UC; presently in remission taking brandname Colazal)
Posted 1/4/2010 12:01 AM (GMT 0)
It depends what he is trying to accomplish (hopefully to help you as obsessing and stressing only makes one's brain and gut further disfunction) but it appears his method(s) may not be the best. It has been proven that with IBS and IBD there is a brain gut malfunction and in the old days colitis used to be called the worrying person's disease as those that are constantly worrying/stressed seemed to develop colitis. Recent sudies have show that those with IBD have systems that are only capable/working at 50% capacity and therefore greatly reducing one's abilty to handle the daily stress those without autoimmune diesases so easily can. 

The mind, like faith, can be very powerful in overcoming and/or helping one with a disease and there have been many studies showing how much better patients do with major surgery or illnesses with a positive attitude both pre and post operatively, although sometimes when one is feeling so badly it's not an easy thing to do but well worth it in the long run.

I hope for your boyfriend's sake his intentions are only to help, but it sounds like he is a bit naive or worse obstinate and if so his karma might give him a dose of his own medicine...

Keep the faith...2010 WILL be a better year for us all :-)

Posted 1/4/2010 12:16 AM (GMT 0)
My hubby thought the same way as your boyfriend, but he learned...when he has a busy butt day of his own (usually from drinking too much pop or food that doesn't agree with him but he eats anyway) then I would turn the tables on him and say, "it's in your head, mind over matter right? that's what you tell me it is." So he learned real quick that it's not as simple as that.

:)
Posted 1/4/2010 12:18 AM (GMT 0)
it is and it isnt true.
when i was super sick with my big long lasting severe flare, thats all i talked about and thought about because it consumed me so much.
i was in the toilet all day or in bed. in pain the whole time.
how can you not think about it?

but you are what you think!
if you think your fat all the time, you will be fat.
if you think you are poor, you will be poor.
and vice versa.

when you constantly think about something and confirm outloud and in thoughts how sick you are, you will be sick.
not to say that you are actually causing it or anything, but it could be something that keeps us from getting better quicker. maybe?
Posted 1/4/2010 12:30 AM (GMT 0)
He's being too hard on you in my opinion. This disease will test anyone's mettle.
Posted 1/4/2010 12:46 AM (GMT 0)
NSSG: No, no, and a little yes.

UC is not in your mind or my mind - to build on what the others have said, it is a disease (like diabetes) it causes pain and not-for-polite-company problems - like when a "normal" person overindulges or has a D "bug." This is not a simple disease to fix, or we'd all be cured.

Probably, as Old Hat noted, your boyfriend senses your attention is divided and he'd like it more squarely on him. That's sweet, but the way he put it isn't quite helpful.

That said, I have sometimes struggled over these decades with the issues of: How much should I be thinking about every little bodily quirk and worrying it's UC related? Should I be examining every mouthful and every toiletful ---- what would happen if I didn't just for a little while...?

As Kazy suggested, we can often become what our image of ourself is..... so for me, I think it's good to walk a fine line between living life as if I didn't have UC and keeping up with the newest treatments, supplement ideas, etc.

Unless my symptoms are really in high flare, I tend to live in a certain state of denial that I even have this..... and that's worked pretty well for me, professionally, personally. etc. I think the fact that my first doc was someone who really treated me as a whole person, and would talk about cooking or gardening with me in addition to meds and symptoms, helped me keep it all in perspective early on.

The support of this forum is wonderful, but I know sometimes I have to watch that I don't get sucked into lurking here too much for my own good - just as I tell my sons not to spend too much of their time playing computer games or xbox!
Posted 1/4/2010 12:57 AM (GMT 0)
He's being a butt. Focusing on the disease is not going to make you sicker, though it may give you anxiety.
Posted 1/4/2010 2:04 AM (GMT 0)
I encountered the same problem as you.

It has been shown that mental stress is not the cause of UC. The stress affects the progress of going into remission. So, 'mind' is definitely not the cause. Personally, I do not believe 'mind over matter', or 'matter over mind'. Insteadly, I think mind and matter work together and interact. How many can be happy with many (blood/mucus ) BM's? If you focus less on UC, you may feel a bit better and see more good things in life. Frankly, I do not value those who often comment on something they do not understand.

I hate my UC after uncountable difficulties, since only 1/1000 or less have UC. Why me? What is worse is I was/am forced to be happy ...
Posted 1/4/2010 3:18 AM (GMT 0)
I think your boyfriend is wrong to suggest that you shouldn't research every possible way to make your condition better. Gaining as much knowledge as possible is the way that I deal with difficult problems, too.

It also sounds like his presentation and tact could use some work.

However, there is a physical link between stress and inflammation. Stress produces cortisol, and cortisol causes inflammation, so there is something to be said for trying to keep stress low; UC is an inflammatory disease, after all.

Nonetheless, I know that "don't stress about it" sounds like lame and annoying advice when you have a big problem. It's just something to think about. Stress really does harm your body concretely.
Posted 1/4/2010 3:40 AM (GMT 0)
He sounds like my husband. When I'm feeling down about having UC he'll say, "just don't think about it" or "your world revolves around your poop". A few weeks ago he was having some D and stomach pain. He laid down on the couch saying he was dying, I said, "just don't think about it". Haha, don't think he'll be using that one on me any time soon! turn
Posted 1/4/2010 3:49 AM (GMT 0)
Ugh, my parents say the same thing. How can I move on from this disease when I take 10 pills per day and have to take out two hours in the morning for bathroom runs? Yeah, it's not a good idea to dwell on the disease all the time, but we can't be completely nonchalant about it.
Posted 1/4/2010 5:25 PM (GMT 0)
I'd probably slip a LOT of laxitives in his food for a few days.....
Posted 1/4/2010 6:10 PM (GMT 0)
i have the same experience with my hubby. Please dont get me wrong, he is amazing in every way. he is caring and tries to be supportive in his way but I dont know if he understands how this mentally affects a person. It is tre when i am feeling ill it is all i can think about and i try not to talk to him too much about it but it inevitably comes up more often than not.

He thinks that i am making it worse by constantly talking about it thinking a bout it, and being online about it. He says that whatever happens we will deal. That is comforting but I am still depressed and worried a lot about it.

I wish we were all well!!
Posted 1/4/2010 6:52 PM (GMT 0)
he sounds like a total ignoramus.... I hope he has some redeeming qualities to make up for that attitude! Have you been together long? I'd be pretty offended & insulted myself.

Posted 1/4/2010 7:11 PM (GMT 0)
One other thing you might mention to your boyfriend is if you did not have an illness and you still thought about pooping alot, chances are you likely wouldn't have frequent poop urges, it's a disease, it's not a mind over matter thing, if it was then you'd be able to stop your bowels from wanting to empty so often cuz who in their right mind would want to make themselves poop all day long?

Yes, there is a mind-gut connection but what your boyfriend is saying to you isn't the same as the mind-gut connection which is a reaction IBDers and IBSers have due to illness/syndrome.

:)
Posted 1/4/2010 7:18 PM (GMT 0)
Sounds as though he hasn't accepted that you have UC and all the stuff that comes with it.

I like the laxative idea....

There are things we can do for ourselves to help lessen discomfort through meds, foods, information, common sense...etc

Some people do micromanage symptoms and freak out about little changes, etc...it could be inexperience, their thinking process through anxiety or that everything is drama (my MIL is like that). If one wants everything to be perfect without meds or any intervention and suffers needlessly, then it could be mind over matter sometimes. Soem people don't receive empathy or understanding from others and are constantly complaining in order to somehow fill that void.

It's a complicated process dealing with chronic illness and personal life issues and relationships can truly sometimes hinder one's recovery. I agree with Eva Lou....I personally would never be with anyone who shows such disrespect and non-support.
If he has never been in therapy, he does NOT understand how the mind/body connection works.

Weak minded? Holy crap...it sounds as though you're starting to believe his truth about YOU....he's a control freak is he?


I hope you have other friends....especially since he's commenting negatively on your involvement seeking connection, support and answers through this board.

quincy
Posted 1/4/2010 8:10 PM (GMT 0)
I haven't read the replies yet, but I can't help but laugh a bit at this. My husband, stubborn love of mine, has always had a mind over matter attitude. Ever since we have been together, anytime I got sick, he told me he wouldn't because he exercises mind over matter. He has long sweared to me that he doesn't get poison ivy because he has mind over matter. Nevermind that he has gotten a very itchy rash after touching a plant that looked an awful lot like poison ivy, lol, it was NOT poison ivy!

He used to tell me that I had to think myself healthy-not that I got sick often prior to UC, but I was very prone to sinus issues. That I was not as healthy as he because I "allowed" myself to get sick. I guess his prematurely high blood pressure doesn't qualify, lol... (honestly, I chalk it up to him being a man-no offense meant to the men in our group. And he is a particularly stubborn man who comes from a long line of know it all men. And seeing as he is one of 7 boys, there is a lot of healthy debate and eye rolling on my husbands' side of the family!)

Anyway, he is no longer like that. After our first born came along early and via emergency c-section and I had a terrible infection and recovery, he started keeping his mouth shut. Then when I had a horrible recovery the second time, he kept it shut even more often. By the time I was hospitalized because of the UC in 2008, he had pretty much permanently zipped it. Now he trusts me that I know what is best. But isn't it sad that it took some really bad experiences for that to happen???

Thing is, I would be irritated with him, and had I been diagnosed with UC in our earlier years before he learned some tolerance, I would have been insulted. Thankfully, he has evolved with me over the years and that isn't the case now, and I have learned that he always means well, and he really has my best interests at heart. But he has always sucked at expressing himself. He has gotten scared a few times about my health, and it is really hard on him because he 1) feels like he shouldn't show his own "weakness" of emotion, and 2) has no idea how to, even if he wanted to. He is slowly learning, but he is the type who hates psychology, and until recent years believed nothing about mind-body things.

This is turning into a book, and I apologize for that. But when my second daughter was an infant, she had terrible torticollis that developed into her having a misshapen head (plagiocephaly). My mom and dad have a friend who is a chiropractor and who also does cranio-sacral therapy, and she wanted us to bring the baby to see her. Well, Bill was very against it. He was fine with the PT the pediatrician recommended, but not this. So I put my foot down and said it wouldn't hurt her, and we were trying it. This woman treated all three of us, myself and my two daughters, and she was very helpful. My oldest has had issues with constipation, and after one treatment, she was doing much better. After that he let up a bit. He doesn't even hassle me about acupuncture anymore because he knows that even though he may not think it is all that helpful, he knows I think it is.

Anyway, it is frustrating to be with a know it all. And it is hard to feel like your opinion isn't counted or that you are being insulted. Chances are good that is not his intention, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Have you sat him down and had a real heart to heart with him about this? Not just the true ins and outs of UC, but the way he expressed his opinions and how that makes you feel? I have had many of those with my dear hubby over the years, and it has helped a lot. I have to be very cautious in my tone and words because he is very literal, but it has helped him to see a bit more of how the WAY he says things affects me. And to be honest, those discussions have helped me to understand him more as well. My husband, like your boyfriend I'm certain, is a wonderful man. He is my best friend and one of the truest, most amazing people on the planet. But he can also be a huge idiot. He just has some lessons he needs to learn.

So, LOOOOOONG way of saying, I would feel the way you do as well. but I wouldn't write him off or assume he is destined to be an insulting a**.

I hope you two can work on this and his eyes can be opened to see the kind of support you need is not what he is giving you, and I hope he can offer you the support you do need. Good luck!
Posted 1/4/2010 8:20 PM (GMT 0)
Perfect story Laura. I would then suggest that nssg openly ask her boyfriend if he's willing to open his mind or if he's going to be the same forever.

Interesting....my MIL has craved the appropriate support from my FIL for 60 years and has complained fto me for 31 of those years. It's sad because he cannot connect with her on that level and she would probably have been much less needy to others for blatent sympathy had he only given her a hug and said he loved her for all she is and for all the strength she's had during her health tribulations from day one he's known her.

One cannot heal and recover when a partner or family or friend isn't accepting or understanding of what one cannot control regarding health. But put it in an aspect where one is self-destructive and a partner or family or friend is enabling, independence toward proactive care is crippled.

Be open, be honest and make a decision for your future for the better. Life is far too short to suffer needlessly where it could have been avoided.

quincy
Posted 1/4/2010 9:58 PM (GMT 0)
I'm mixed on his reaction. I do think he needs to show a bit more sympathy but then again my husband says I'm not very sympathetic myself (a trait I inherited my from mom - thanks mom!) and I probably would have trouble showing him sympathy if the shoe was on the other foot - and he had UC and I didn't. :)

I don't think men realize that it can be a debilitating disease and sometimes leaving the house is a downright feat of strength. I also think that (personally) sometimes the more I fixate on it the worse I am. When I'm flaring the more time I spend here on the boards reading about UC for example the less optimistic I am. On the other hand . . . when I force myself to function I'm often times better off than when I sit and think about how sick I feel.

I think you do need to strike a healthy balance and have a conversation with him as well. Tell him how you feel about his response and also try not spending soo much of your energy on this miserable disease, it will only bring you down!
Posted 1/4/2010 10:34 PM (GMT 0)
While you may have inherited apathy from your mom....it can be learned and "faked". That's a part of connecting and learning appropriated responses. I have days I'm not wanting to be sympathetic, but can be empathetic. There are days I don't want to be empathetic but can be patronisingly sympathetic. Depending on who is the recipient.

Being respectful is the bottom line.

q
Posted 1/5/2010 1:03 AM (GMT 0)
sounds like he's the one causing you the stress. you need support, not criticism. of course you're obsessed with it, duh, you're going through it. unfortunately, other people just don't get it because they have no idea, no clue that bleeding from your ass is very traumatic. but no matter what, he needs to be supportive of whatever modalities of medicine you choose. that's very important in the over all healing...
Posted 1/5/2010 5:14 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for all of the advice. He flip flops, sometimes he is very understanding and concerned and other times he is getting angry with me and telling me that I bring this upon myself. He often drinks himself into a stupor and spends half the night on the toilet. I guess it's not mind over matter when he is feeling bad... skull  

We have been together for 8 years, since long before I had UC. I guess it's not easy for him to accept that I am not at 100% health. I don't know if he will ever change his attitude. I am also one of these people who are not too sympathetic.

Posted 1/5/2010 7:03 AM (GMT 0)
Sounds as though you understand him quite well then...you just weren't clear on if he was correct in his judgement of you?

Drinking himself into a stupor is a red flag....are you OK with that?

I don't have any symptathy or empathy for that at all. My husband ONCE got drunk and puked (and he hates puking). I laughed and suggested he couldn't be suffering any near enough for my liking. I also suggested it wouldn't be happening again and it hasn't. That was 29 years ago.

I was married to a drunk the first go-round and my parents were alcoholics. Not the down and out kind, but the effect of it is engrained in me forever.

I still suggest you two talk when you're both feeling good.....go out for supper or coffee (or whatever suits that doesn't include alcohol) and ask him how he would evaluate you as being supportive. It can go a long way.

Just because we have a chronic illness doesn't mean we have the ability to be empathetic or sympathetic to others. It goes both ways.

Be well,
quincy
Posted 1/5/2010 9:38 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Notsosickgirl,

Well, i didn't read posts of all people. But I would like to tell you what I know...

Well.. he is both right and wrong...

Here it goes..

Brain is an amazing thing... when someone says something which hurts your feeling, then instantly it releases different type of chemicals (enzymes) which change your mood .... But if someone says you something good, it releases different type of enzymes which make you happy... Everything is controlled by it..

He is true when he says not to do more research on medicine and worry by spending most of time in forum.. Now it depends how you take it when you come to know more about the disease and medicine...how you take it ?? Do you feel frustrated or more sad and worry as you go on learning more ??

Well if you see, I joined this forum in June 2009. But hardly visited it. I didn't like to hear much about UC... that's why i don't come more. By saying so, i don't mean that i don't know about UC much. Well, i have done a very good study about UC diet, but it was before, I was diagnosed with UC. After I was diagnosed, I didn't do any research. Well, I didn't need to as by then I had a good knowledge of diet which I should avoid. Personally speaking, I don't like to think more about having UC. I will tell you the reason.


As I said earlier, it is all brain. Your body is controlled by brain. The amount of acid that gets produced in your stomach is also controlled by your brain. The more you worry, the more acid it releases. That is why people with hypertension suffer from acidity... Acid is the worst enemy of people suffering with UC

Now if reading more about UC makes you worry more, then just think that you are among 1000000 of people of this forum... Not only you, there are many....Take it easy. And if you think knowing more makes you worry, don't try to learn in detail about the disease at all.

On the other hand, if you think you are among 1000000 of those and you are sure, learning more about UC won't make you worry, then it is always good to have knowledge about it....

However, I won't recommend you to do research on alternative medicine from forum. But you should have a rough idea of medicine that you are taking (as doctors also don't tell you everything).

For eg: I was never told by my doctor that while taking Asacol, a person should drink lots of water. I learnt this by myself after reading.
The reason behind it is, Asacol in the long term may lead to kidney failure. So a person suffering from UC should drink lot of water...

so in my opinion, he is right and also partially wrong. It depends upon you how you take by knowing more of this disease.. If knowing more makes you worry, he is right.... If it wont have any negative effect on you and you are mentally strong, then he is partially wrong...


(By the way, this is what I think... Decision is yours :)




notsosicklygirl said...
My boyfriend often says that this disease is mind over matter and he says because I focus on it so much, I am sicker than I would be. I guess he thinks I am weak-minded because I can't get my mind off this illness and move on with my life. If I were able to do that, in his opinion, I would be able to be a healthy normal person without a bowel disease. I find it very annoying that he thinks this is so simple. He is also very critical of me for coming to this board and for researching alternative medicines. He says that it is a waste of time and that it contributes to me being sicker than I would be. He says the only good advice and the only advice worth following is the advice of a doctor. I completely disagree considering I have had people here help me when I was feeling terrible.



I find his opinion to be a bit insulting. Am I being oversensitive?

Post Edited (Lalupate) : 1/5/2010 3:12:19 PM (GMT-7)

✚ New Topic ✚ Reply