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Posted 4/13/2010 4:32 PM (GMT 0)
Hello everyone,

This post is a long time coming. I have been suffering now for 14 months and am becoming increasingly depressed. As I type this I am finding it very hard not to cry. My little baby is sitting here next to me and I know he wants to go outside or just wants some attention/interaction but I am just not feeling up for it.

I was dx in 2003 and was put n salofalk oral. I went into remission where I stayed for 6 years until I got pregnant. At 6 weeks pregnant (when I found out) I started having UC sypmtoms again. D, and stomach pains. I was also having horrible morning sickness. I couldnt do anything. I was still working but that was all I could do. I feel so bad and guilty about being like that around my husband. He, by the way is amazing! I love him so much. I went to my new GI during my pregnancy to express my concerns. I had to have a new GI because I had moved cities. He didnt listen to me and said I was fine, I made other appts and same response. Also he had a mean bi&**y secretary that said things to me that you wouldnt believe.

I didnt know any better because this was my forst real experience with a flare since dx. I think my symptoms were increased cramping, some blood on stool , soft BM's 2-3 times per day (the D had stopped). I knew this was not normal for me. Anyways, I was not being taken care of. My husband was only trying to help but in the way of suggesting diet things llike, "you're not eating veggies anymore, maybe thats why this is happening". He only meant well.   I really felt let down, and like no one was taking me seriously.

This has been going on now for 14 months. I had my son, perfectly healthy thank God, and now I seem to have more cramping than ever. I called my GI today and the nurse said we will have to wait for my cscope in may 5 to decide what to do next.

I am getting more and more depressed. I am having anxiety aboutgoing anywhere alone with my son b/c I am scared I will get those bad cramps. I get them so bad I can hardly stand let alone hold my baby. I also have dull cramps in my upper abdomen during the day now. I cannot pretend the pain is not here. I wish I could and enjoy my days with my family. I feel so incredibly guilty for putting my husband through all this. He listens to me cry on a daily basis. I feel like a horrible mom.

And the whole point of this is that I needed to let it all out. I am sorry, it is probably depressing. I am just so sad that I cannot enjoy my life. I want to feel better soon. I am scared and worried.

Thank you for listening. Just writing this is a good step for me I think.

Posted 4/13/2010 5:09 PM (GMT 0)
It always help to share your frustrations, especially with other people who understand them.

You can't underestimate the signifance of the good things in your life:

You have a loving husband and a healthy baby boy. Those are definitely things to be thankful for.

From reading posts on this board, it seems there's a pretty common correlation between pregnancy and flare ups so you're defnitely not alone.

You might ask about pain meds if the cramps are getting that bad?
Posted 4/13/2010 5:17 PM (GMT 0)
kweeks, You mentioned these cramps before. You also mentioned you are only haveing 1 BM per day. Have you considered these pains are NOT UC related? I am also having 1-2 bms a day..and sometmes there are light cramps before my morning bm but this does not come out of no where..
I think you need to make an appt with your GP and discuss other possibilities. Just my two cents.
Posted 4/13/2010 5:18 PM (GMT 0)
juju- Thank you for your response. I know that I should focus on the good things in my life. You are right that we should not underestimate them. i do have a loving husband and son. I feel so sad and down when I think about how I used to have so much energy, how I used to be with hubby, how I used to feel so well and be physically active, how I used to imagine mommihood.

I have to focus on the here and now. On what today brings and live in the moment. It's just getting increasingly difficult when there is little relief.

Thank you again for your thoughtful response.
Posted 4/13/2010 5:19 PM (GMT 0)
Sorry you're having such a tough time.
Writing things out often helps me; I hope your articulating your whole story here is the first step in helping you!
This disease does pop out at us without warning and it SUCH a bummer.

Have you tried upping the dose of Salofalk or switching your suppositories for enemas?
Posted 4/13/2010 5:20 PM (GMT 0)
krissy- i have an appt for htis thursday with my GP. I am going to ask for blood tests for pancreatitis, h pylori, and anything else he thinks it may be. Also I called the nurse at my GI's office today and she said that sometimes the stomach lining gets inflamed from the UC meds?... so after the cscope they may do an endoscope.
Posted 4/13/2010 5:21 PM (GMT 0)
I can definitely relate with being sick with a newborn, and feeling really guilty about it. I started my first flare shortly after my son was born, and got incredibly sick. For a while there, I was so weak that I couldn't get out of a chair while holding him, much less walk him around the house during his fussy time in the evening.


Anyway, try to hang in there until your GI appointment, or call and request to at least be seen earlier...given your symptoms, I think it's reasonable for you to try an anti-spasmodic drug (I think it's called Bentyl???).

Good luck!
Posted 4/13/2010 5:24 PM (GMT 0)
thank you songlady. I feel very blessed that people are listening here. I will see what teh GI says after my scope on may 5 about enemas and new meds. I dont think he thinks it that bad?...we'll see. It is horrible that UC has so many different symptoms and everyone is affected so differently. It makes treatment that much tougher.
I finally put my little guy down for a nap. I feel so bad for him. I think I have to take him out for a walk when he wakes up. I wish I could be one of those moms that has boundless energy and is always on the go. I try. My husband works late on 4 out of 7 evenings (until 11pm) so thats tough too.
Posted 4/13/2010 5:28 PM (GMT 0)
fruitgirl- isnt is just the pits. You want to be there so badly for your baby. I feel guilty too that my husband has to do so much extra around here and with the baby. I just hate this disease and everything it robs us with. I will never get this time back with my baby.

I am thinking about asking my GP for a refferal to a counsellor to talk about how I am feeling. My husband has been my rock but I nkow how wearing that can be on one person.
Posted 4/13/2010 5:32 PM (GMT 0)
Seeing a counselor would be a great idea! I had problems with post partum anxiety, and I saw a counselor and took zoloft for a while. If you're feeling pretty down, it might be worth thinking about that, too. There's no shame in needing a little help like that!

Also, have hope that it will get better! I'm in a rock solid remission right now, and really don't think about having UC, other than participating on this forum.
Posted 4/13/2010 5:34 PM (GMT 0)
Hello kweeks, I'm sorry you are feeling so badly.  I hope your docs can figure something out.  Don't let them just tell you that you're fine and send you along.  You have a baby and you need to feel better.  You might ask about the enemas, they have truly helped me. 

I understand what it is to feel like you are cheating your kids.  I have 3 aged 2, 4 and 8 and I would feel terrible when it was a beautiful day and I had to stay in by the bathroom.

This place is very nice for finding people who understand and I hope you feel better soon.  Hang in there.

Posted 4/13/2010 5:38 PM (GMT 0)
I am truely touched by all the kind words. i dont know why I am so upset by this all. I am feeling like a basketcase!
Thank you again to everyone.
Posted 4/13/2010 7:21 PM (GMT 0)
I think we have all felt helpless and like a basket case, unfortunately. I have never had anxiety issues until UC. It does make you feel so helpless. I hope that you know you're not alone and that you get help from your GP and GI. It will get better. Do you have anyone who can help you with your son? If so, take advantage of it and take some time for yourself.

Sending you some hugs!!!
Posted 4/13/2010 8:40 PM (GMT 0)
I also wonder if your cramps are something else entirely, something related to your reproductive system.
(And that's all the doctoring I'll do! because I know nothing).

Please try not to feel guilty about things you cannot do. Your baby is fine not going for walks for a while, he is really too little to know that he wants to go outside! Can you just sit outside, near your door, if it makes YOU feel better? Just do what you can, and it sounds like he is getting plenty of your attention.
Posted 4/13/2010 8:50 PM (GMT 0)
Hey kweeks...try to remember, you are doing the best you can with the baby! It is no easy task to have a newborn & go through this.
Do you have family or friend support close by? Don't be afraid to send up the red flag as I call it...that's what people are in our lives for...
not just the good but the bad!
I think your GI needs to get your appointment moved up. What your describing is really affecting your quality of life right now. they need to
know how bad your feeling. With that said, if your not comfortable with this office, call around or get a new referral from your GP. You are still
in the early stages of finding out exactly what's going on so, in my opinion it would be a great time for a fresh opinion!
-good luck & please keep us posted!
Posted 4/13/2010 9:06 PM (GMT 0)
Hang in there!

I can totally relate with having a newborn and dealing with this disease. I started having symptoms of UC when my daughter was only 2 months old. It escalated almost 10 months before I finally went to the doctor, got a colonoscopy, and got diagnosed. I had never even heard of Ulcerative Colitis before. I remember being so depressed that I couldn't even take my daughter for a walk around the block, for fear that I might have an "accident."

You will get through this, and I can tell already that you are a wonderful mother! :) This forum will be a great support for you, and never be afraid or ashamed to ask for help.

Big hugs to you!
Posted 4/13/2010 9:22 PM (GMT 0)
Wow! I am overwhelmed!
Thank you for the words and helping me know that this can and will be OK and we can feel better. Each day I need to remind myself of that.
I called my GI today and the nurse said that if my symptoms take a real turn for the worse call in again but from what it sounds like I should wait for the cscope to see exactly whats going on and then proceed. I have been waiting this long so I think I can hold out...

Boy it's tough when you have a little one whom you love more than yourself to take care of isnt it? I would love to not worry about how I am feeling and just play, and love, and talk to, and smile with, and laugh with my son.

about family close by, my husband and I live away from all our family. I really only discuss how I am feeling with my mom and husband. I still feel embarassed by this disease however, from being on HW and reading online I am starting to realize that its not anything to be ashamed by. I think I may talk with my best friend soon. Her boyfriend (and my friend) has crohns and just recently got over a flare so I know she understands and is totally in tune with this stuff.
Hugs back everyone.
Posted 4/13/2010 11:05 PM (GMT 0)
Hi kweeks. I'm so sorry you have to go through this! What was your original diagnosis? Is the pain in your abdomen on the left or right?
Posted 4/14/2010 12:24 AM (GMT 0)
lv2Bhealthy- My dx in 2003 was UC. I had 25-30cm affected at the time. I havent had any scopes since b/c i was in remission the whole time. I will be having one in May. The pain I am having is: in the morning before a BM, UC type cramps and then when I go poop they go away. BUT I am also getting a pain in thhe centre of my breast bone during the day. Like a pressure or pushing feel;ing. Right between my breastbones. Also sometimes during the day I get UC type cramps too. Rarely do I have a BM more than once a day. It is always in the morning right when I wake up. Not too urgent but urgent enough.
Posted 4/14/2010 6:00 AM (GMT 0)
It also sounds like you might have reflux.

Usually UC meds such as Salofalk pills don't affect the lining of the stomach since they dissolve in the terminal ileum and colon.

I would suggest you purchase Zantac over the counter 150mg and see if they help that pushing feeling.

As well, double up on the probiotic and take the suppositories morning and night until you get the enemas..

Are you eating well?

I think it absolutely best to discuss it with your friend, especially since you need to have someone you KNOW except for your husband who can give you emotional support. Are there any community activities you might want to get involved that has new moms getting together to talk, etc? It would get you out and have you socialised possibly that will help?

Seeing a counsellor or therapist is always a good thing, we all have issues and maybe you'd be able to see all the things you are actually doing rather all that you're not.


Hang tough....your scope is just around the corner and you will be seeing your GP this week...which is a good thing. Get her/him to check your thyroid, vitamin D (which you might also consider to take more of...that can help your emotional state), etc.

I wouldn't ask for pain killers, but do highly recommend you ask for the lowest dosage of dicyclomine (10mg) to help with the cramping.

quincy
Posted 4/14/2010 12:49 PM (GMT 0)
you know Quincy, when I was pregnant they thought that I might have reflux too because I had similar symptoms. I was on zantac for a while but i cant remember if it made a big difference. Maybe I will try it again.

Thank you for the tips and support. I will try to hang in there. I am supposed to make a trip to visit family in a few days alone with my son. We will fly 2 hours there. I am scared to do this alone although I have before when he was 2 months old.
Posted 4/14/2010 2:33 PM (GMT 0)
Sending plenty of (((hugs))) to you kweeks. Having a 5month old can be exhausting for a 'healthy' person, my heart aches for you having to deal with UC as well.
Please keep us posted after your appointments with your GP and your colonoscopy, we are all concerned and hoping things turn around for you.
Posted 4/14/2010 3:57 PM (GMT 0)
I think all the mother's and father's here can relate to what you're going thru. After I had my daughter, I started to flare. I was pretty much alone because my hubby was working 16 hours a day just so we could squeak by. I had no family that I could call on to help but I wouldn't have asked for it anyway - I'm a bit stubborn that way. I am older and hopefully wiser now and I realize how stupid I was being. I have a wonderful MIL that I know I could've ask her help and she would've dropped what she was doing to help.

But just the whole scenario made me depressed, guilty and I felt alone. I didn't have a computer at that time nor was HW even around. I plugged along as best as I could. I am now in a place where I can look back on the whole situation and realize that no I wasn't alone nor should I have felt guilty. I too thought about what my condition was depriving my children of. My son is doing wonderfully and is doing very well in life, my daughter is a typical teen girl and needs some steering in the right direction but overall they are both healthy and happy individuals.

We are here for you anytime and remember that you have family that love you for being YOU. But anytime you feel you need a shoulder, do not hesitate to come to us for we truly DO understand.
Posted 4/14/2010 6:55 PM (GMT 0)
Kweeks~ This is a great place for support. Even though your husband is wonderful...we here all have the same problem and can relate better than everyone. As odd as it sounds, it is easier for me to type to all of you about bloody stool, BM's, etc than it is to tell my husband about it. I too found this site because I needed someone who understands what I am going through.

I would say that if you don't like your GI and are not getting the attention you need then maybe look for another doctor. I just switched to a different GI because I was not comfortable with the one I had. I now love my new GI and understand more in my first visit with him than I did 2 months with the original GI.

My UC started right after giving birth to my daughter. Well, I say right after but looking back it might have been the last month or so of pregnancy and I just thought that was part of being pregnant. I don't have the cramping so I am VERY fortunate of that. Just remember your little bundle of joy is healthy and sounds like you have an amazing husband. You will get through this and we are all entitled to days when we just want to curl up in a ball and cry. My husband just said to me on Sunday "I think I will drop you off at home and take the baby out so you can have a good cry session, call me when you need me". We all have those days so it's not just you. This is a great place for support so keep looking on here for it!
Posted 4/15/2010 9:29 PM (GMT 0)
I saw my GP today and he is sending me for blood tests for lots of things, also for an abdominal ultrasound. he thought maybe gallstones?
well, i'll get my blood taken tomorrow and the book my u/s. my colonoscopy is may 5. so hopefully by may 10 i will know whats up snd have a plan of action as to what to take.
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