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Posted 10/5/2012 8:58 PM (GMT 0)
I was just coming out of a bad flare(finally) when the wife drops the divorce bombshell.  She tells me she does not want to be married to a sick man for the next 20 years.  Thanks U/C.  Within 2 days I'm right back into this bad flare again. STRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just had to vent.  It's so hard dealing with both.

Greg

Post Edited (I need help) : 10/12/2012 10:43:30 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/5/2012 9:09 PM (GMT 0)
Sorry to hear about your troubles. Sounds like your wife never took the marraige vows seriously. I'll probably get flamed for this; but, you are probably better off without her. Don't blame your UC; blame your shallow wife.
Posted 10/5/2012 9:15 PM (GMT 0)
     So sorry to hear this Greg.  Apparently, her wedding vows meant nothing to her.  I could say you are better off without her but right now you are hurting.   Please try to surround yourself with good friends and close family members for a support group.  Take one day at a time and you will get through this.  Is your wife open to counseling?

     I know stress is a great contributer to this disease.  I started flaring very often when our oldest daughter went through her divorce in 2003.  She wasn't sick, her husband was a cheat.  She went through a very rough spell because she was a stay at home mom and had to go back to a full time job and we watched our grandkids.  In 2004, she met a wonderful man who was never married before and had no kids.  Long story short, she married him this past July.  He treats her and our grandkids very well.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Posted 10/5/2012 9:23 PM (GMT 0)
Sorry Greg; that's very rough. My heart goes out to you, but she may be in a situation one day that leaves her ill and I hope the person she has in her life decides to stick around...you know what goes round comes round. There is light at the end of the tunnel -- thinking about you!

Posted 10/5/2012 9:26 PM (GMT 0)
I'm so sorry
Posted 10/5/2012 9:31 PM (GMT 0)
Sorry man. Things always work out in the end. I know it doesn't seem like it right now. My first wife divorced me when I had my first autoimmune disease although that wasn't the main reason. Shortly afterward my first autoimmune disease went into remission and has been now for over 13 years and I'm happily married and a lot better off than I was back then, accept for now having UC. Karma will catch up with her and bite her in the ass at some point.
Posted 10/5/2012 10:30 PM (GMT 0)
that sucks. I hope you end up better off down the road.
Posted 10/5/2012 11:05 PM (GMT 0)
Ha!

"Till death do us part, in sickness and in health"

I got the same divorce. She blamed me said I was not taking care of myself.

Well she just surrendered and my daughter is with me now 7 nights per week now because she is jobless, homeless and alcoholic while I just traded up to a huge new custom place.

yeah I am flaring but I am taking care of myself, eating right, not drinking, lifting weights and I feel great. This flare is being systematically shutdown.

I can exit the flare but I dont think she can stop being a crummy person.

If your feeling like 'I thought I had that part of my life under control" then my buddy is working on a weekend seminar to help newly divorced guys navigate back to a normal life.

Good luck
Posted 10/6/2012 12:14 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the kind words.  I have a 17 year old daughter who can't stop crying and that is so hard. I just hope I can stay strong and get back out of this flare.  One day at a time I guess.

Greg

Posted 10/6/2012 12:16 AM (GMT 0)
Just want to say so sorry about this. 

B

Posted 10/6/2012 12:22 AM (GMT 0)
Geez what a selfish person she is. Did you ask for this for God's sake? One day at a time Greg...and one day when she is sick and hurting she may think differently about what she did. I feel for you and your daughter.
Posted 10/6/2012 12:52 AM (GMT 0)
Yep. That's what I'm thinking. She's worried about 20 years from now. I'm thinking that you will get on with your life at some point and 20 years from now she will have cancer and no one to support her in her hour of need.
Posted 10/6/2012 8:24 AM (GMT 0)
Interesting responses here.

I take it your marriage was perfect, giving on both sides, good communication, no problems over the 17 years....and then the divorce bomb?

It's unfortunate that this has happened to you both.

I strongly suggest counselling that both of you can be involved in to vent some of your issues before you separate.  As well...for your daughter.

Illness is difficult do deal with even with the best/stongest marriage. There are always issues, and when the crap hits, not all are equipped or capable.

q

Posted 10/6/2012 3:32 PM (GMT 0)
     Kids suffer the most, I know my grandkids did and still do even though both my daughter and their father have gone on with their lives and married other people.  I think every child likes to see their parents together.  It's heartbreaking.
Posted 10/6/2012 6:12 PM (GMT 0)
Hang in there, do what you can relieve stress .good luck with flare and everything else.
Posted 10/6/2012 6:52 PM (GMT 0)
I'm so glad I found this forum. We all know what each other is going through.  My wife has always been healthy and can't relate to sick people.  She always tells me to snap out of it.

We all know we wish it was that easy.  I'm starting to hate healthy people.(just kidding). I wish everyone the best on this forum.

Qunicy,  I thought my marriage was in good shape When i was well.  One thing that really freaked her out was when I was thinking about surgery and the thought of me having a bag was too much.  I remember thinking a few months ago how lucky I was having a supporting family.  I guess not.  At least my daughter supports me.  I asked her to go counseling and the answer was "NO."

Greg

Post Edited (I need help) : 10/6/2012 1:40:57 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/6/2012 7:31 PM (GMT 0)
     Greg, it sounds like you and your wife need some counselling.  After being married for almost two decades, you must have something going for you.  Maybe she is just scared of the unknown.  What kind of background does she come from?  Does the rest of her family have that "suck it up" attitude?  Our oldest daughter, who got divorced in 2003 has that same type of attitude.  She never had to deal with anyone's serious illness except mine.  Not once did she visit me in the hospital when I had my operation and I was hospitalized for 11 days.  I'm not sure exactly what her problem is.  I know she was bullied in middle school to the extent I had to go to the authorities.  She must have some kind of wall built around her.  Then, when she thought she had the ideal marriage, her husband turned out to be a cheater.

     Our youngest daughter is the complete opposite, very caring.  She's watched me and my husband change my "bag" and didn't flinch once.  We raised both girls in the same loving way, but life always throws a curve ball and everyone handles situations differently.

     Sounds like your daughter is a sweetheart.

Posted 10/6/2012 7:37 PM (GMT 0)
your daughter sounds like a sweetheart, yes....but it's not her job to support you in lieu of her mother. Make sure she's not taking sides, and your whole family needs therapy.

We all can't be happy with everything/everyone...when push comes to shove, just add one more thing to the stressors, and everything comes tumbling down.

I repeat strongly....encourage your daughter to see both sides, it's not her position to take over an emotional role.

q
Posted 10/6/2012 7:52 PM (GMT 0)

Quincy,  I don't expect my daughter support to me in lieu of her mother as you put it.  I wish my wife would go to counseling.  My daughter surprised me when she asked my wife why she was being so cold and mean to me.  My daughter has seen both sides and knows how sick I've been.  I'm sorry my daughter has been affected by this.  I feel like it's my fault for being sick.

My daughter told me when mom moves out I want to stay here with you.  I thank god for that.

Posted 10/6/2012 8:13 PM (GMT 0)
Sounds like your daughter is a keeper and your wife is a loser. It's easy to say that the best thing is for the kids not to take sides but I don't think that is always 100% necessarily true in every situation. You should do everything you can not to put a wedge of any kind between her and her mother but hey, if she wants to stand up for you and what is right and what is wrong, I say let her - just don't encourage it. It would serve your wife right if your daughter stays with you and maybe you can even wind up collecting child support. Don't forget about college and support too. That can be part of the divorce. I really think it's great that your daughter knows more about values than your wife does. It would be a shame if she were to grow up thinking that if your husband gets sick then you just kick him out the back door. Of course we know only one side of the situation and I'm absolutely sure that you didn't have the perfect marriage, hardly anyone does. I was shocked when my first wife tried kicking me out the back door but things couldn't have worked out much better for me and I hope they will for you too. Unfortunately, it's not going to happen tomorrow or the next day but it will happen.
Posted 10/6/2012 8:25 PM (GMT 0)
What a terrible situation. I cant believe she would give up on you and the family like that. To be honest, i have a lot of friends who would never consider being with a person with any type of physical impairment. People are generally very shallow. I am so sorry.
Posted 10/6/2012 8:57 PM (GMT 0)
Gary, that's so sad. Some people just don't do well under adversity, while others blossom and become even better. Remember that just because she can't live with adversity that doesn't mean there aren't a lot of other women out there who can love you and feel blessed to be with you.

And remember, 20 years from now you may be in remission of may have had a surgical cure, but she'll be an old lady and perhaps all alone. Time wounds all heels.
Posted 10/7/2012 6:43 AM (GMT 0)
Im so sorry for what you are going through. This is so heartbreaking!!! Im sure that you come out of this stronger and better!
Your daughter sounds like a wonderful person. Im glad she is there to support you.
Don't give up! It'll get better.
Posted 10/7/2012 8:05 AM (GMT 0)
I need help...not your fault for being sick. What you have is a serious illness, and can be debilitating. Rejection of another can be equally debilitating, add the two together and it's difficult to regain footing.

It's obviously a positive your wife is leaving. You'll do much better not having one who isn't able to be supportive, or who makes herself a victim of your situation.

It's awesome your daughter is able to make her such a responsible decision based on the obvious and open bad behaviour of her mother.

Hopefully,it can be a clean break....

She may one day "get it"...but from what I see of others who are unempathetic, they don't seem to grow on that level.

There have been a few on HW UC with bad relationships ending in divorce....but lots of new loves found. Always good to hear.

q
Posted 10/7/2012 1:18 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks everyone,

My wife left yesterday.  I took my daughter out to dinner and we played board games for hours. My system is paying the price for the dinner I ate but that's ok, the time was priceless.

Greg

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