OT - Thinking of Relationship's Future.

I'm 26 and my partner is 29 (we were 25 and almost-28 when we met), and after 5 months, we decided to move in together. Because we live in Boston, that meant finding an apartment and signing a lease after dating for 5 months, and moving into the new apartment when we'd been together about 10. We've been pseudo-planning our wedding for a while, and we're buying rings this summer for a fall engagement. We're planning to get married on our 3-year anniversary.

I do not think it's too soon think about a future together. However, I also firmly believe that if you're really right for each other, you'll still be right for each other in a year, and you'll still be right for each other in a few years. My partner and I are holding off on an official engagement until the fall because we both think we should live together for a year before committing to a wedding. We've both fallen hard and fast for people in previous relationships, which ended with a lot of heartbreak, and we want to make sure we don't rush into a marriage.

In your place, I think that I would wait at least a year together for an engagement, and then 6 months to a year until the wedding and moving in together. While I definitely think people should live together before getting married, I know that what's right for me isn't necessarily what's right for everyone else. I also know some couples who waited until marriage to live together.

(I also know a couple who lived together before marriage, but didn't have sex before marriage. I don't know anyone personally who waited until marriage to live together AND to have sex. Weird!)

A lot of my hesitation with marriage comes from my parents' divorce. They knew each other for 5 months before they got engaged, and 6 more months before they got married. My mother felt as if everything had been rushed, but she was so swept away by the handsome and passionate young man who kept telling her how much he loved her, she went through with the wedding. 22 miserable years later, they divorced. I promised myself I would live with a partner for at least a year before getting engaged, and thankfully, my partner feels the same way as I do.

Great! You really like each other! Now go through some trials together Most relationships are good during good times. Marriage is a looong test :)

I found out DH has a hard time with the 'in sickness' part. His mom is disabled, so there was baggage I wasn't planning on unpacking, but then UC...

Now is the time to talk, talk, talk about big philosophical stuff.

Thoreau, that's great that things are going well with you and your gf. My GF and I got engaged after 3 years of dating, and married after 4 years (we lived together 3 years before marriage). When we finally got engaged, we looked at it as more of a formality, and same with the marriage (neither of us are all that traditional but we figured we formalize what was obvious about our relationship to others). I think living together 1st is beneficial, as you really get to know a person and see a person for who they really are, without the phoniness and fake politeness of dating, and see how you react together to everyday challenges (where as when dating we are all dressed up on our best behavior, manners, and so forth). It is something entirely different when you or she gets home after a terrible day at work, all stressed out and grouchy.

Haha a comedian once said that single people admire the married people walking by and married people admire the single people. Marriage can be wonderful some days, it can be terrible other days, often it is somewhere in between. Marriage is more often about conflict resolution, and reacting to ongoing challenges, and I swear it should be a prerequisite that each of us get an associates degree in counseling/psychology before marriage as I often find myself couching my wife through something she's having issue with, or she with me.

I would look at common areas and things that cause divorce and make sure you and your gf are in the same playing field on those things. An often cited cause of conflict is finances and spending for fighting and breakups (e.g., are you and she opposites one a huge spender on technology and gadgets while the other not?, or are you and her both frugal, etc.). Are you both settled and stable in your careers (are you or she a career 1st type, or a relationship 1st type)? Are you and her both stable emotionally without lots of extra baggage? How do you and her handle the inevitable fighting in relationships? Nothing you have to tell us of course, but see if there are any red flags in there.

Tornado6 said...
I found out DH has a hard time with the 'in sickness' part.

Yeah, I found out after marriage that my wife has serious trust issues with drs and trouble dealing with medical issues; lucky me as I got diagnosed w/uc after marriage! You try your best to truly understand a person before you get married but in the end, no matter how careful you are, surprises always pop up. As you can never fully understand a person in the short period of dating before marriage.

Thank you for all of these responses!

I've never been through this before, so it's good to hear your different experiences. I think that like one of you said, if it's meant to be... it will be, even if things take a while.

My gf and I have gone over all sorts of subjects, from money and careers to children, hobbies, how we like to spend our time, and what we want to do on our vacation time from work. We match up great on most of those things, and the ones we don't we seem willing to compromise on.

I think what I'll do right now is start opening up our talks a bit more, about different things that will come up should we get married. Eventually if things are still looking promising I would want to do pre-marital counseling; it's something I've always told myself I would do so that we'd have an objective person help guide us along.

Thank you for all the positive words on marriage, too. It's been very nice to read!