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Posted 9/11/2013 12:02 PM (GMT 0)
Okay, this is totally off topic, but i've read many off topic posts and well i'm in a bit of a pickle.

I've been single a while, and though I'm happy single I'd like somebody. I find it hard to meet people on my wave length or who don't just want a trophy girlfriend.

So about five, six weeks ago met a guy through mutual friends. I'd heard a lot about him before, including the fact he dated a much older woman and she got pregnant but they're not together. So we laughed and had a great night and there was an attraction when we met, a few days later we bumped into each when I was on my bike and wondered around talking for hours.  I never meant it to happen but after a few weeks, and lots of nice days out I really rather like the chap.

Now his baby is due at the end of October.  I swear we're normal people, we're both professionals, with houses, I'm 27 he's 30 and aren't some Jeremy Kyle sort. I don't know what to do, he thinks I'm going to bail when it's born.  I fear I may as it's out of my comfort zone, but he wants me to be round when his baby's there but he understands it's his and not mine. I said it would be odd as it would cry, hell, he gets annoyed when my kitten sits on his head, she doesn't vomit milk so I'm sure I can be wierded out by it.

I don't know whether to cut my losses, before I get more invested or try to wing it and see if it even goes anywhere. Like I said it is such early days but he's already asking if I can't deal with it to say now.

If the baby was born, and a routine established it would have been so much easier. I'm not freaked out by the prospect of dating a man with a child though as long as we have time together.

has anybody had a similar situation?

Also him and the mother havent even discussed custody, he wants him every weekend, friday to sunday but i fear that wont happen.

 

Posted 9/11/2013 12:17 PM (GMT 0)
First, trust your instincts. Nothing wrong with taking things as they happen. You don't need to make a decision immediately. Find out how you, he and the baby interact together. he will not be the primary caregiver but still have responsibilities. The mother may have gotten pregnant because she wanted to tie him to her or because she wanted a baby, you don't know which.

You may have found a keeper since he stuck around to take responsibility for the baby and didn't run away.
The baby connects him and always will to the other woman, no different than a divorced man with kids. You will always have the mother in his life, hence yours. That is baggage to consider.

If you want to have children of your own this man is a good prospect.
If you never want children you should move along now because his child will always be a reality.
There is also the financial responsibility he has for the next umpty years, will you begrudge not having that money in the joint till?

Lots of men have children but aren't married to the mother. You are cutting out a big segment if you only want a man with no kids. That's OK but just think about it. Don't cut him loose before deciding whether he could be "the one", baby or no baby.
Posted 9/11/2013 12:54 PM (GMT 0)
I'd recommend keeping the guy in your life as a friend and wait and see how it goes before risking committing to him.

Personally, I was against dating people with kids. Because there is inevitably lots of drama related to the kids. The baby isn't born yet so there probably isn't much drama now. But once the kid is born custody (kid likely goes to the mother), visitation rights, how much of his salary goes to child support and other things begin coming in to play. And if the guy and the mother to be aren't on really good terms (and even if they are now that can change) then expect high-drama. He might end up loosing his house (not enough money to pay the bills after child support is taken out), reducing his style of life to a more frugal one, and other things that can make one quite bitter to the mother quite fast. Yeah this is pretty cynical but it could end up happening.

There's lots of ways to meet people these days. Online dating has worked for a lot of folks. It helps you expand who you meet and increase your odds of finding someone who is on your wave length and perhaps with less baggage. I think you shouldn't look at this guy as your one and only chance.
Posted 9/11/2013 1:05 PM (GMT 0)
Ouch, yeh they're barely speaking. She's already said if he meets somebody else he can wave goodbye to his son (i assumed it was just crazy talk), I advised he started saving for a good lawyer. It would be hard to have that drama in my life.

I do feel like we are close friends who are heading in the direction of a bit more. Yet I don't want to miss this chance because of 'what ifs'. We considered cooling it off on monday and staying friends but we got talking last night and both want to be part of each others lives and thats when he suggested I should think carefully now.

I'm now thinking money could be my main gripe
Posted 9/11/2013 1:11 PM (GMT 0)
iPoop have you tried online dating?
its like ebay, a horrible ebay and it's so odd meeting people who you know nothing about. It reminded me of something from a US film, but no, i'm no fool, this guy isn't the first and life experience suggests he won't be the last.

but my brother met his wife online.
Posted 9/11/2013 1:33 PM (GMT 0)
Hey, I met my husband on line and he's the best partner! I will tell you that he has two grown kids. When I met him, they were 18 and 21...and it was tough. They are older now, and they treat me with respect, but their mother is still in our lives. She is okay, but always there. Just saying.

Sounds like this woman will give your friend quite a time -- obviously she isn't going to give him up easily and he definitely needs to be prepared for that.

Posted 9/11/2013 1:56 PM (GMT 0)
Yeah, I met my wife on an online dating site. And oddly enough, my brother met his wife that way as well. It is becoming more and more common these days.

It felt a little awkward at 1st, putting up a profile on an online dating site (lol ebay is an interesting comparison). But I figured I'd do it to meet new people and I put pretty low expectations into it and see what happens. I met a lot of people, had some fun on dates, and all in all it worked out well. Of course, you gotta be cautious, meet in very public places, and whatnot. Hey, it's just another thing to try and who knows if it'll work or not.
Posted 9/11/2013 2:14 PM (GMT 0)
yeh, i dated a few people from online, i did quite like it but i found I was meeting people who fitted a shopping list in my head but had not much in common with. It can be quite ruthless as well.

But I do know a good few success stories, I still have my online profile, it's just not been checked for a while. plus i found too many work collegues and friends also online.
Posted 9/11/2013 2:27 PM (GMT 0)
My thought is when the baby is born it will be at least a year or so before mom will let baby out of her sight. You will have a lot of time to reassess the situation. You might find he is not the kind of man u want. Watch him closely as he relates to the mom and baby. He will show his real person. You are in a great position. Good luck i hope he is a good guy!
Posted 9/11/2013 2:46 PM (GMT 0)
yeh, i really don't get how he thinks she'll be willing to let him stay away from home. Apparently she's already said she refuses to breast feed, but last night I said he should prepare hiimself for the prospect that she may change her mind.

And I'm not having to sign my lfe away by getting to know him am i.
Thanks, my friends are all like me unattached and childless while fiercley protective of me so needed some other viewpoints. They all like him though.
Posted 9/11/2013 4:43 PM (GMT 0)
What did you mean by "I'm now thinking money could be my main gripe."? Does he know of your condition? If not, maybe this may be the best time to tell him, with everything else going on. He may not want to add dealing with your condition on top of the other stuff as well. Then again he may think that would be a positive because he might think you're more apt to stick with him and his problems since you have a set of your own. That could be either good or bad but maybe this is a good time to clear the air on it. I agree with going slowly and being friends for now although that is often harder than it seems and you will find it very difficult to do. This may be the guy for you but I can promise you some major difficulties with the mother, particularly if she is threatening him about finding someone, and also particularly when she finds someone herself. You are going to be in for a lot of Drama which would only be worth it if this is the perfect guy for you. Even then, you would have to be willing to accept the good in return for this drama.
Posted 9/11/2013 5:41 PM (GMT 0)
Oh yeh he knows. His collegue has crohns, my housemate has it too so he knows it's no big deal. Plus we have the nhs, so its a cheap disease. My drugs cost the same as my netflix. And he knows how bad I can get.

Think slowing things down and just enjoying his company is a safer bet.
Posted 9/11/2013 10:41 PM (GMT 0)
I have NO drama with my son's father anymore. Lots of co parents are able to work things out.

You can date a person with children and never meet the children. Just don't come around on his custody days.
Posted 9/12/2013 6:24 AM (GMT 0)
Hey there,

Just throwing my thoughts out there with everyone elses. I was in a whirlwind relationship last year at this time with a woman who had a 5 year old daughter and was split up from her husband. She was working through a divorce. That situation was extreme drama, aided immensely by her mental issues she kept hidden well for a while.

From that whirlwind relationship I learned to take things slower, much slower. Also, listen to YOUR instincts. In my situation I had nagging doubts that were clouded by the romance/lust of it all. Once it was over I looked back at the situation with awe at how blind I'd been to certain dealbreaker issues.

As far as a kid goes, it's a total game changer... but only you know deep down if that is okay with you. In my past, if things had happened in spite of prevention attempts, I could be a father to a child from some woman who I now couldn't stand. I'm a great catch though, so I'd say it's still possible to work things out if the guy truly was the right one for you.

As for me, I went online again shortly after the tumultuous relationship last fall, and found a woman I'm now making wedding plans with. I couldn't be happier. So, I think the key is to just keep on looking until you find a person who fits your needs as well as your hearts needs.
Posted 9/12/2013 7:25 PM (GMT 0)
** Yep...couldn't have said it any way that would make more sense.

I'll just add that your fears, while well understood...you won't know unless you give it a fair try. But if you have absolute understanding in yourself that you don't like kids or want to be involved or prefer to have set rules...then bail now.

Talk, talk, talk...with understanding on both sides of your relationship. You can speculate at this, that's it. Set up a plan that you'll have to wait and see how you two work out. Kids change everything. But it doesn't mean that it'll be a disaster.

Hope it works out for both of you...for this isn't necessarily a deal breaker. Not communicating and having high expectations can definitely lead to animosity and more confusion, etc.
And.,...this kid is the first for all of you. You're all learning at the same time. Level heads can make a difference.

I wish you the best.

q
Posted 11/4/2013 11:55 AM (GMT 0)
So, the babies here now.

A healthy baby boy was born on friday and my boyfriend who over the three months turned into a very serious relationship has freaked out. Which is odd as I thought it would be me.

noah is only 4 days old, and my bf came over last night to tell me that his heads a mess. he cried a lot (there have been a lot of tears in the last few weeks, i became his main support system which was very hard for me, but i felt we were a team) said he feels guilty to be with me, and says he feels he is cheating on his son by thinking about me too. says he loves me, but doesn't think he can shift feeling that me and him is morally wrong. ouch!

He built up a beautiful picture of the three of us enjoying and sharing a life together like a merged family and now he's realised he needs to keep the mother happy and the logistics aren't clean cut.

could be worse, could be flaring!!!
so yeh, thats just my little update.
Posted 11/4/2013 12:00 PM (GMT 0)
oh yeh, and I never had the false illusions like he did about this. I was expecting us to back off for a few weeks, and take the role as his friend. just wasn't expecting to be told i'm essentially a mistress.

his ex is being okay too, even the night before the birth she was evil. she doesnt know about me. but she's letting him be involved now. which is good. but means he wants to keep her that way
Posted 11/4/2013 1:59 PM (GMT 0)
Is there a chance at all that he and the mother could get back together? Couldn't really tell from what you wrote. If they have no chance of getting back together, does he expect to stay single and unattached the rest of his life so that he is not "cheating"? If he isn't going to get back with the mother I suspect the dust will settle eventually.
Posted 11/4/2013 2:27 PM (GMT 0)
no, they were like a one night stand more than anything, tried to make it work but it didn't. so no real feelings other than a bit of bitterness and resentment between them. it's good they're able to be in the same room together now. even the night before he was born she text to say she hated him with a passion and resented the fact she would ever have to see him again.

which is why keeping her sweet will be crucial. shes said a few times out of the blue he wont see his son (why do people do that) so it's very delicate

when i orignally posted i thought they had more history than they actually do.
Posted 11/4/2013 2:43 PM (GMT 0)
Keeping her sweet will prove to be impossible. That's not going to happen. Your boyfriend and you will be banging your heads up against the wall for years to come. It is impossible to constantly walk around eggshells. The eggshells are everywhere. You need a different strategy than keeping her sweet.
Posted 11/4/2013 2:58 PM (GMT 0)
yes, why can't people talk as adults and build a trusting working relationship in these issues. they live near to each other, just breath and take baby steps. noahs 4 days old, these things take time surely
Posted 11/4/2013 3:09 PM (GMT 0)
Yes, you are so right, Laura, these things take time. A new baby is a huge change for the parents, and even tho your BF was not the pregnant one it sounds like he has been thrown for a loop by his love for the baby. I think you should give him a month or two to be nutty and then you might be able to reevaluate. Honestly, though, it may be years before he is able to incorporate being a father with being a man in a relationship. Who knows?
Posted 11/4/2013 3:17 PM (GMT 0)
yeh, I assume the adjutment to a new addition that you are responsible for is huge. it's not like a new kitten.
If he's not ready for anything more than friends then that's just that isn't it. he sid it makes it worse that I'm understanding as it makes him realise how great I am, so I'll have to back off to not complicate his head.
i've never been in this situation.

then theres a small selfish bit that thinks 'this stress best not kick off a flare' im frantically googling pilates classes
Posted 11/4/2013 4:11 PM (GMT 0)
yeah, managing YOUR stress levels has got to be YOUR priority right now. I like your sense of humor about this. It is an odd situation to be sure.
Posted 11/4/2013 4:20 PM (GMT 0)
found 2 pilates classes. sress free and I may get some abs out of it.
oh yeh, i've never really been un positive about things, and if you can't laugh what can you do.

we went to see jackass bad grandpa last week, there's a bit where johnny knoxville sharts, he said "ha, can't wait to laugh when you do that" ***, where'm i gonna find another guy who can say that!
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