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Posted 12/22/2013 3:10 AM (GMT 0)
I need more perspective on just one issue in my relationship. I thought the problem had been worked through, but it resurfaced today and I feel hurt.

The Problem: My fiance is scared to drive on dark highways, and I live down a dark highway from the city.

My fiance had previously said she would try driving on dark highways to see if she could do it. We did so together several times, and it no longer came up as an issue. She agreed to try living out at my house when we marry this spring, and see if she can handle life out here. If she can, I will build her a new home on some extra lots I own.

Today we got in an argument about her driving on the roads. It essentially came up that she was all scared again of the roads.

Her father sheltered her from anything scary as she grew up. She doesn't have as great of relating skills with other people, and doesn't always seem to grasp the concepts of empathy and supporting others.

I can give her a home out here in a safer area, for less money. She is acting again like she may just end up "needing" to live in the city because that highway driving is just "too much".

I'm going to marry her. I love her. I just do not know when to stand my ground and when to cave here. I always stand up for myself when something like this seems to have an easy solution. The solution would be for her to just work through her comfort zone.

I'll live in the city for her. I will. But I just think it's silly to give up safety, better financial security, peacefulness... because of a fear that can be overcome.

She is making me out to be a jerk because I don't understand. And... I don't. I try to talk it through with friends, but everyone of my friends says to not let her walk over me like that because I've been willing to give up a lot for her.

Post Edited (Thoreau) : 12/21/2013 8:13:54 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 12/22/2013 3:22 AM (GMT 0)
It's not about the roads. It's about being nervous about the future IMO.

Take the pressure off if you can. There's no rush to make this decision is there?
Posted 12/22/2013 3:39 AM (GMT 0)
There isn't a rush, no. BUT, we are getting married in a few months and she will be driving these roads every day. As the guy that loves her and wants to protect her it hurts me to feel like she'll be miserable.

But, on the other hand it feels as though the "fear" is something that she needs to deal with. What if I felt that I was going to get mugged all the time in the city?? There are shootings often in the city, out here where I live life is peaceful. Yet, living in the city is probably not going to lead to my death from violence. It feels like something I need to call her out on rather than cater to her on. I need to be in a relationship where there is effort, not running from our fears.
Posted 12/22/2013 3:39 AM (GMT 0)
Are you thinking about children, and will she stay home with them? If so, is where you are now better school wise, etc.? It could be a temporary issue.

I'd guess it is not about roads either, but about distance or separation from...
Posted 12/22/2013 3:41 AM (GMT 0)
I've asked just about anymore around that I know, and nobody can believe that this bit of driving is even an issue. She can make it to work in just over half an hour still. My work on the other hand begins out around where I live, and I actually even have a shop I work at that is half an hour further from the city that I go to sometimes.
Posted 12/22/2013 3:48 AM (GMT 0)
Assuming that kazbern is wrong you're never going to get someone to get over an irrational fear. It just ain't gonna happen. My ex mother in law had a terrifying fear of cats. Never seen anything like it. Apparently some baby in the family a long time ago had the "breath sucked our of her" by a cat (rolling eyes). The first time she stayed over at our house (she lived out of state) we locked our cat up in a room by itself. When the cat started pawing at the door handle this lady turned stone white. I thought she was going to have a heart attack right there and die. It was like we had a lion in the room that was getting ready to escape and attack us all. Oh, by the way, kazbern might be right.
Posted 12/22/2013 4:03 AM (GMT 0)

Tornado6 said...
Are you thinking about children, and will she stay home with them? If so, is where you are now better school wise, etc.? It could be a temporary issue.

I'd guess it is not about roads either, but about distance or separation from...

We will not be having children, Tornado. We're both on board with no kids... she doesn't like them a lot and feels like she could not possibly work and have them. I love kids, but don't have the need to have ones of my own. I am always battling a challenging body, and don't really desire any additional challenges.
Posted 12/22/2013 4:07 AM (GMT 0)

garylouisville said...
Assuming that kazbern is wrong you're never going to get someone to get over an irrational fear. It just ain't gonna happen. My ex mother in law had a terrifying fear of cats. Never seen anything like it. Apparently some baby in the family a long time ago had the "breath sucked our of her" by a cat (rolling eyes). The first time she stayed over at our house (she lived out of state) we locked our cat up in a room by itself. When the cat started pawing at the door handle this lady turned stone white. I thought she was going to have a heart attack right there and die. It was like we had a lion in the room that was getting ready to escape and attack us all. Oh, by the way, kazbern might be right.

Lol... sigh. Thanks Gary.

I felt a bit swindled today when she acted like driving on the highway was still a big deal. Her dad is always talking about how dangerous a road it is, and I know he doesn't want her to live out here. Her mom on the other hand loves me and is encouraging her to try things out and to step out of her comfort zone.

I just thought we'd worked through it enough for now, but all the sudden her fear crept up and exhibited itself strongly again today. She did push the fear away enough to stay past dark with me, in order to make sure my temp would stop rising. When she made it home she called to let me know she was okay, and we got arguing more about the drive.

I didn't know how easy life was when I was single, lol.
Posted 12/22/2013 5:14 AM (GMT 0)
Maybe both of you could see a therapist in the months before the wedding and work on some of the concerns you have been posting.

All I know is that if you are a city person it sucks to live out in the middle of nowhere and effects every aspect of your life.
Posted 12/22/2013 5:17 AM (GMT 0)
my first wife had pretty significant agoraphobia - it was nothing I had ever dealt with, as is true with most people - i was not mature enough at the time to deal with it -

it is a huge deal - the fear she had was real - the things she feared were normal, everyday life - it's mostly the fear of fear - terrifying fear !

not saying your future wife is dealing with it - but don't rule it out unless you know for sure it's not an issue for her -


i forgot to say - like most chronic things people deal with, hiding becomes second nature - i don't remember exactly how long after we started dating that the truth came out - but it was a while before i knew -

Post Edited (soystud) : 12/21/2013 10:20:17 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 12/22/2013 5:30 AM (GMT 0)

PathogenKiller said...
Maybe both of you could see a therapist in the months before the wedding and work on some of the concerns you have been posting.

All I know is that if you are a city person it sucks to live out in the middle of nowhere and effects every aspect of your life.

I have lots of neighbors, have paved roads, am 15-30 minutes from city life depending where you go. And, I'm about 8 minutes from a wal-mart, hair cutting places, banks etc... in the smaller town I live near.

Once a person moves to a safer and calmer lifestyle it is very hard to conceive why anyone would put up with city living if they had a choice.
Posted 12/22/2013 6:00 AM (GMT 0)
" And, I'm about 8 minutes from a wal-mart, "


oh man , if that's part of the deal, I'm in baby !
Posted 12/22/2013 6:17 AM (GMT 0)

soystud said...
" And, I'm about 8 minutes from a wal-mart, "


oh man , if that's part of the deal, I'm in baby !

Lol... okay... I don't know if this is good or bad, but it does signify that I have access to resources nearby!
Posted 12/22/2013 7:19 AM (GMT 0)
My first thought was the same as Gary and Soystud....sounds like a phobia. If that's the case, you will never understand it. You'll just have to accept it. I actually have a freeway-driving phobia. I live in a huge city full of "spaghetti systems". It makes it tough getting around, but I'm so familiar with the city it doesn't stop me from driving across town, which takes a couple hours if you don't take a freeway! I don't see as well at night. My Mom had the same exact phobia, which I thought was ridiculous until I got it in my late twenties. I actually sought therapy with several different therapists. Honestly, mental health is in the dark ages and they do not know very much about phobias. I'm just thankful I'm not a high-level executive with an elevator phobia working on the 50th floor. Lol!

One other thing you might want to think about, which Pathogenkiller pointed out...sounds like you like the country and she likes the city. That can be really tough on a marriage. I would figure that out.
Posted 12/22/2013 12:18 PM (GMT 0)

Thoreau said...

PathogenKiller said...
Maybe both of you could see a therapist in the months before the wedding and work on some of the concerns you have been posting.

All I know is that if you are a city person it sucks to live out in the middle of nowhere and effects every aspect of your life.

I have lots of neighbors, have paved roads, am 15-30 minutes from city life depending where you go. And, I'm about 8 minutes from a wal-mart, hair cutting places, banks etc... in the smaller town I live near.

Once a person moves to a safer and calmer lifestyle it is very hard to conceive why anyone would put up with city living if they had a choice.

I grew up in a city of about 350,000 and loved it. When I was in high school, my family moved to a small town that sounds exactly like what you're describing (6 minutes to the next small town over which has all those places, even a walmart, haha, and 30 minutes to a city). I lived there with them several years, but as soon as I could I moved to the city half an hour away. It's a small city of only about 150,000 people, but the crime rate here is insane. I was the victim of a violent crime within 2 months of moving here, we're having major gang issues right now, and I've called 911 more times than I care to count. But I still prefer living here and don't see myself ever voluntarily moving to the country. I hated living out there. Some people are just wired differently.

I agree with PK. You guys might benefit from seeing a therapist. It could be beneficial to have a 3rd party there to help you guys talk out the issue and see each other's side.
Posted 12/22/2013 1:22 PM (GMT 0)
Limitless... why did you not like living away from the city?

When I was in high school some friends and I had a couple different cars and were heading to a party of my friend's gf who lived in the city there. Heading down the street some guys pulled up alongside of us and flashed a gun. We all somehow sped away from there safely, but it was unnerving.

My mom and dad grew up in the city, and my dad moved us away from it for specifically that reason. Before my parents had myself or my sister they lived in the city and my mom got stabbed in the back while walking to her nursing job. She has a scar about two inches wide on her back from that stabbing, and would have died if it had been located a little differently.

The county where I live is just different. It is a support center for each other. You know your neighbors, the people that work at the stores, banks, etc... There is definitely still crime, but there is not nearly the same level of anxiety here. My fiance says that she feels scared to be alone in a home in the city, but where I live she does not. She really likes how peaceful and relaxing it is where I live, and enjoys the idea of building a home together. But then she goes into panic mode, which I can only deduce comes from the over-protection she had growing up. I feel that by continuing the over-protection and leaving her in a bubble that I lose a lot in terms of what she has to offer as a person and individual.
Posted 12/22/2013 1:50 PM (GMT 0)
As someone who has 'been there done that' let me give you my two cents: i myself had freeway phobia quite bad i used to shake and hyperventilate. My father died in a car accident when i was a teenager, and my mum is very protective of me and my siblings. So i grew to be very scared of highways/freeways.

It took me the last 6 years driving to become just 'tolerant' of freeway driving. I also took driving lessons with my husband and i was fine driving with him but when alone i could not do it.

What helped me:
- driving alot in nonfreeway conditions to make me feel more confident about my driving abilities ('fake it till you make it')
- slowly going on freeways for very short times eg 10 minutes then going back
- deep breathing while driving
- having a plan for "what if" for example i could always pull up the side of the road and wait till ive calmed down. Nothing is going to happen.

Even with all these measures i still feel uneasy and hyperalert driving on freeways. But i grew to realise it is not the scariest thing in the world (IBD can make you more brave).

So be gentle and understanding, give her time and she'll get there.
Posted 12/22/2013 1:56 PM (GMT 0)
"But then she goes into panic mode, which I can only deduce comes from the over-protection she had growing up. I feel that by continuing the over-protection and leaving her in a bubble that I lose a lot in terms of what she has to offer as a person and individual."



hey t man - that statement doesn't exactly sound reassuring - can you accept this girl as she is ?


just curious - what do your friends think of your fiancée and the relationship the two of you have ? family often times have normal (?) but sometimes unreasonable agendas for each other, so they are not the best at being honest with their feelings - friends tend to be better judges of their peers situations -
Posted 12/22/2013 1:59 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for your post, Conquer.

I am trying hard to not be harsh with her. I love her. I just don't want our lives together dictated by fear necessarily. For better or worse is what our vows will be, and I'm in. We'll have good and bad times. What I don't want is for us to be unable to create a great lives for ourselves because we are afraid to step out of our comfort zones. I personally will make a ton of personal changes if it is best in the long run. Growth is not always easy, but almost always worth it.
Posted 12/22/2013 2:26 PM (GMT 0)
Started to reply to this three times now and stopped...
4th times a go! Lol.

I am a newlywed... married just over a year. Marriage changes nothing. June 23rd and June 24th felt no different for me in 2012 (except the sprained ankle! Too much wedding fun!)

My husband and I have agreed that we dont think we'll be having children. We never really did wants kids, but left the possibility open... and really it still is.
We moved to the outskirts of our town. I'm from the country, I like the quiet. He loved the calm and the wildlife. Very beautiful. But i hated the commute... simple tasks became chores. We both got lazy and antisocial.
We just bought a house inside the city. Close proximity to everything, but a nicer neighborhood that's relatively quiet.

My husband and I have grown together... explored our thoughts and opinions and beliefs together. We have made compromises and tried things out that the other has stronger beliefs in.

Its hard for me to comprehend that such a well thought out man, a go-getter, successful.... is about to get married but has not yet figured out one of the basic needs of life; where will the roof over your heads be??

For me, I'd take the commute to have my dream house built for me, lol... that would be my compromise no problem!
But she doesn't seem so enticed!

Wether its a phobia (I prefer to not drive on highways or freeways at night... my eyes suck) or not... this is a huge issue!

The country vs city lifestyles are very different. And hard to compromise on!
even suburbs dont quite offer what a city person wants/needs.

My advice is that this is NOT a little issue... this is a big issue. And can hopefully be solved before you sign the paperwork. But if everything else is great... hopefully it can be worked through.

Living your life resenting your spouse is no way to live.
Posted 12/22/2013 2:27 PM (GMT 0)
Thoreau - I didn't like it for two reasons.

One, because the options were too limited. Yes, the next town over had grocery stores, churches, a gym, etc, but I didn't have a whole lot to choose from. If I was looking for any specialty item at the grocery store, they didn't have it.

Two, because everyone knew me. I don't want to be known every time I leave my house. Sometimes I just want to run an errand quickly, without having to stop and talk to half a dozen people.
Posted 12/22/2013 2:30 PM (GMT 0)

soystud said...
"But then she goes into panic mode, which I can only deduce comes from the over-protection she had growing up. I feel that by continuing the over-protection and leaving her in a bubble that I lose a lot in terms of what she has to offer as a person and individual."



hey t man - that statement doesn't exactly sound reassuring - can you accept this girl as she is ?


just curious - what do your friends think of your fiancée and the relationship the two of you have ? family often times have normal (?) but sometimes unreasonable agendas for each other, so they are not the best at being honest with their feelings - friends tend to be better judges of their peers situations -

Soy, I'm a smart guy. I don't have the wrong woman here. I have some growth and understanding to do, and I think she does, too.

I haven't spoken to my friends about her and I much lately. A couple months ago I had emailed my realtor friend to list my home for sale so I could sell and live in the city with my fiancee. At the last minute my fiancee texted me and said not to list it, that she thought maybe we were making the wrong decision. This has been a back and forth thing: sometimes she is very worried about the drive, and other times she sees all the positives about where I live and wants that. She eventually said she wants to live in my present home, for a year, and see if she likes it and can handle it or not. --This was to me definitely a sign of a healthy person just trying to grow. We have both been willing to change for the other.

But, at different times it seems like she regresses into letting fear drive her actions. This is what happened yesterday, and I am not equipped to handle it. I feel like indulging the fears sets her back as an individual, but standing up to her when she is scared sets us back in terms of acceptance from one another about who we really are.

A couple of my good friends cannot really fathom why a bit more driving would matter, but they both are admittedly country-lovers. None of my friends (I have a core group of 8 or so very close friends) have expressed disappointment with this relationship I'm in.

I have spent some one on one time with my fiancee's dad three different days in the past week or so. He, keep in mind, has been overprotective of her to a degree throughout her life. He tells me that yes, almost everybody that moves out where I live does adjust and ends up considering the drive not to be a big deal. However, he said, my fiancee is not normal in this regard. --I just would like to know if she is not normal because she was over-protected, or if she is just weird about this.
Posted 12/22/2013 2:42 PM (GMT 0)

embersglow1 said...
Started to reply to this three times now and stopped...
4th times a go! Lol.

I am a newlywed... married just over a year. Marriage changes nothing. June 23rd and June 24th felt no different for me in 2012 (except the sprained ankle! Too much wedding fun!)

My husband and I have agreed that we dont think we'll be having children. We never really did wants kids, but left the possibility open... and really it still is.
We moved to the outskirts of our town. I'm from the country, I like the quiet. He loved the calm and the wildlife. Very beautiful. But i hated the commute... simple tasks became chores. We both got lazy and antisocial.
We just bought a house inside the city. Close proximity to everything, but a nicer neighborhood that's relatively quiet.

My husband and I have grown together... explored our thoughts and opinions and beliefs together. We have made compromises and tried things out that the other has stronger beliefs in.

Its hard for me to comprehend that such a well thought out man, a go-getter, successful.... is about to get married but has not yet figured out one of the basic needs of life; where will the roof over your heads be??

For me, I'd take the commute to have my dream house built for me, lol... that would be my compromise no problem!
But she doesn't seem so enticed!

Wether its a phobia (I prefer to not drive on highways or freeways at night... my eyes suck) or not... this is a huge issue!

The country vs city lifestyles are very different. And hard to compromise on!
even suburbs dont quite offer what a city person wants/needs.

My advice is that this is NOT a little issue... this is a big issue. And can hopefully be solved before you sign the paperwork. But if everything else is great... hopefully it can be worked through.

Living your life resenting your spouse is no way to live.

Thanks for your post, Katie!

If you read some of what I replied to Soystud you will understand more. My fiancee and I had decided where we would live: my home. We would try it out and see what she thought of it. --This ,again, was her idea. I was ready to sell and live in the city if need be. I had some positive benefits in store for me if I sold my home: we would live in a nice gated apartment complex, I would invest my home money in more rental property, we would have more time together since we would have less responsibilities. I was okay with the idea, though it felt like we may never know if she could like where I live then.

I have been pretty persistent in asking her over the last couple months if she thinks she will hate living out where I live when we marry, because I do not want my new bride to be miserable! She says she doesn't know, but thinks it will either be neutral or positive.

So after her initiating that we stay out in my house. After her reassuring me that she won't hate it where I live... then yesterday I get into a conversation with her where she reacts with fear about driving and how she may never like it. **This was heartbreaking to me, because I love her and I just want us to be on the same page and looking forward to standing together on issues. I had thought we were okay for now, then she said this after I questioned her on why she didn't want to run pain medicine out to me the other night.

My love for her is more important that city/country life, and I will live in the city for her if need be. I sincerely love her with all my heart. But a healthy love does not mean that disagreements don't come up, or that there aren't problems that need work.
Posted 12/22/2013 2:43 PM (GMT 0)
"I just would like to know if she is not normal because she was over-protected, or if she is just weird about this."


does it matter ? you know t man - maybe you can change and make all the sacrifices to make this work, but can you do it for both of you ? don't even begin to EXPECT her to change - growth is a natural progression of life - you can't just arbitrarily adjust the speed of it because you want to -
Posted 12/22/2013 2:49 PM (GMT 0)
Soy, I agree. I just do not know how to handle this, admittedly.

Is it really best for me to tell her: "I know you are scared. I do not understand, but if it is that important then we will just eliminate that from your life."?

I am a person that lays this all out on the table with people giving me advice. Look, I know that I am learning in this situation. I need help. That is why I'm asking for it. If you are blatantly honest with me I am actually thankful for it. I just want to work on my half of this response and do what is best for her without feeling like a doormat.
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