OT -Just wrote this, wanted to share...

Hey guys... my last comment on my other thread really got my mind going.
I haven't sat and written for a while... so it was nice to feel motivated enough to write again.
Thought I'd share:

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It's amazing to me that there is a place past depression.
You can be incredibly depressed and not wish to be dead and continue to fight and you come to this place...


I don't know what's keeping me going anymore; a few glimpses of hope I get, too few and far between. The smile on my husband's face that reminds me that I'm loved. The desire within one's self to push on and overcome the thing that is trying to tear us down.

Maybe it is animalistic. The human desire within to overcome, conquer, succeed!

But I don't FEEL it. I don't have that desire. It's nothing I consciously want for myself. All I want is to feel better. Or to stop feeling the pain. I have been through so much disappointment and discouragement that I don't know how my mind continues on. I feel like I should have given up long ago. Or maybe that I did. And now I am just running on pure instinct. I'm in a survival mode. My will to live has dwindled but my need to continue living is set ablaze. Both my mind and body have shifted into a mode where the number one goal is to still be alive. Not to be happy or healthy or enjoy waking up each day, but simply to wake up.

I did not realize this place I am in, at the end of depression, even existed. I suppose it must. Though hopeless and helpless, I have never wished I was dead. At the end of my depression is not suicide. At the end of my depression is an autopilot I did not even know I was capable of.
My body pushes forward... even if that means just to sleep all day, at least I am breathing. My mind pushes forward... though I may not be happy, I try to make others smile.

This is a weird place to be; a limbo of sorts. I have no control over what comes next. My soul has taken control and will determine what I do from here on out. I am not part of the decision making process. I barely realize what decisions have been made. I'm merely along for the ride. Which is not necessarily a bad thing... as I don't think I have the energy to even keep my eyes open to watch the scenery go by.

Not meant to be a "sad" post/writing.
Just food for thought.
Word vomit.

Whatever you want to call it. :)

Thanks for the support Poppie!! :)

Depression stinks doesn't it. My son has it...extremely bad...but he doesn't have the thought you do to push forward, get through it. Two weeks in the hospital for his last suicide attempt. The thought of wanting to die is always there for him. Medication doesn't help. Right now he is taking ADHD stuff and he says that makes him want to get up and do things but the thought still doesn't go away. Makes you feel so helpless. I can't make it better and that kills me as his Mom.

Keep writing down your thoughts and feelings. That is a good way to work through them. We are here for you if you need to talk.

I get it too. It's realistic and raw about the sorta emotional rollercoaster uc takes us on. The highs and lows and the difference a smile from another can make when we're at our lowest. We're all in survival mode when we're flaring moving forward because there is just no other choice. When you feel so awful you just want to curl up on the bath mat next to the toilet and sleep.

Hey, I like stream-of-consciousness writing, spill your thoughts on a page and you feel better afterwards.

Emberslow,

Beautiful writing. It is odd how hard times bring beautiful talents out of us sometimes.

Take care of your soul by writing and things will get better,