Am I a bad person for this? Anyone else feel the same?

Imagine being so tragic you want to be a "normal" Crohnie who has a bowel resection instead of a colectomy with permanent ostomy: I'm that tragic person. Why did I have to be landed with this barbaric means of going to the toilet forever, when almost nobody else with Crohn's or UC is? (I'm sorry Pro; nothing will change my deepest feelings about this.) I feel so incredibly unlucky. Really, the chances of needing a colectomy for Crohn's are so low, and I can't even have a freaking j-pouch to compensate.

Obviously I try not to dwell on it, but every so often it hits me and it hurts. Maybe I gave up too soon; I guess I'll never know now. But hell, I tried every single mainstream drug, a few diets. Not only did I not get any better, I deteriorated with each passing year and would have needed to stay on Pred long-term to avoid an emergency colectomy. Dunno if I "gave up" or not; I would've settled for crapping in my pants, though, if otherwise I'd have been a healthy person, I can tell you that. But I wasn't, I was sick as f... and in dire pain towards the end.

I'm still mad about it all and, I think, perhaps somewhat traumatised.

So ConquerUC, if you're a bad person, I'm evil incarnate.

rbartolo said...
And anyone who is healthy, happy, married, working & has friends.

Me too, rbartolo. Me too.

seaskyline said...
After decades of health problems, that knowledge is the most valuable thing I gained. And yeah, I have not had a normal life AT ALL, but how can I compare my experience to other peoples'? If it weren't for the hell I've been through, I wouldn't have the insights that I have. These insights make me who I am, more than anything.

I genuinely, truly, heartfeltly and with all my soul would give up every single insight I have earned in a flash to be a physically healthy person with my fair share of good times and happy memories. I'd much, much, much rather be a 'normal' person and just blend in for once in my life.

NiceCupofTea, of course. I'm not disagreeing with you at all. It's like losing your innocence, most of us would go back to it if we could. Since that's impossible we can only go forward with what we gained, wisdom and maturity and hope that things will get better somehow. Please accept this heartfelt cyber (((hug))) for you.

Chantrelle, if only you knew how I came to this attitude. You would not believe the irony...even strangers tell me to write a book about it. One guy offered to introduce me to his publisher friend. I'm just not a very good writer.

Anyway, I do have sadness about what I've lost, I just don't have envy because I understand envy too well. I've studied shame and envy for the last 5 years.

It's tough to deal with this illness and the psychological as well as physical toll. I dealt with it for 12 years until I was ready to give up and have surgery. Over the years I believe the symptoms help make me lose a few jobs and girlfriends, not to mention create lots of clean-up work. Depression and / or low red blood cell count was a problem for me too for most of the time I had this illness and can make UC worse. There are tons of neurotransmitters in the gut and there is even some research from Baylor University that shows that at least some neurotransmitters like GABA are made by Bifidobacterium dentium gut bacteria.

In retrospect I remember that the change of seasons often appeared to make my UC worse, depression made UC worse and / or UC made the depression worse. My GI doctors even told me that they had noticed a correlation between anxiety / depression and flares of UC. In any event it's not your fault that you are in the pace where you are at - and it can be very difficult to cope or try to think positively when things are messed up biologically. However there is a physical component to depression and there should be no shame in treating it just like any other illness. Treating this part will give you strength of will to do other things to improve if not ultimately resolve your condition.

The anti-depressant drug Bupropion could help a great deal - at least for depression and possibly for IBS-diarrhea and UC too. The gut part of this is something I first found out about on this forum and then found some research studies and scattered case studies. Whey protein shakes can be very helpful too for stopping the bleeding both by providing raw material for the body to heal itself and L-Tyrosine can help the body produce more dopamine as well. Valerian root extract and / or GABA supplements could help too.

Even if you do not yet feel ready to try another part of the solution, FMT, you can at least try Bupropion and whey protein and / or prednisone. You'll just have to decide to weigh the costs and benefits for yourself and take the leap for yourself if you think the upside is worth it!

As trite as it may sound you have to find a way to see the good and think positively about what it will be like to fully have your life back and be determined that you will make it happen.

Post Edited (FecalTransplantForUC) : 5/20/2014 1:00:36 PM (GMT-6)

I too felt like this.. Having had Colitis for 10 years, since I was 19, I decided I was not going to live my life sick and opted for hte surgeyr. COmpletely elective, my gi didn't recomment it and I said I dont care, you get to go home at the end of the day and not be sick. I dont have that option. So, here I was 2 months out from my takedown, doing everything and anything I want and eating in the way way.. Couldnt be happier with my decision.