Posted 10/9/2014 9:23 PM (GMT 0)
Hey pb4.
Your husband... words fail me on that one. I'm not really used to cheaters. Obviously I can't be 100% certain, but I don't think my parents have ever cheated on one another; ditto my brother and sister-in-law. (Technically, the latter aren't married, but they've been together for 15 years, so...) The only blatantly obvious cheating scumbag in my family is an uncle who at one point installed a mistress in a flat. My aunt was devastated, but she ended up going back to him. They're still together, 20 years on. I'm not sure if the uncle still cheats any more; I suspect not, as he's older and not in such great health.
I feel you on the terribly low self-esteem. My mum was not a cruel woman, but she didn't seem to have much time to spend with us - her time mostly went on trying to placate my dad and drinking. I was bullied badly by my brothers throughout my childhood; not physically, probably would've drawn attention. Instead they undermined me, day in, day out, calling me fat, ugly, weird, a loser, etc. I didn't know it at the time, but I had autism/asperger's which went undiagnosed until this year. There were signs: I didn't talk until I was 5; showed no affection to my mum; booted out of nursery school for not getting on with the other 3-year-olds or something; my primary school recommended I saw a psychologist; and so on.
Needless to say, nothing was done. I sometimes wonder if my life would have been better if I had got an early diagnosis; I thought about it, then decided it would probably just have given my brothers a whole new range of names to call me. The one thing which stopped me from going completely insane was school; I didn't enjoy it, but I was lucky enough to not be severely bullied there.
I grew up emotionally stunted and unable to form an intimate relationship with anyone. That's a 2-edged sword I think. I suppose I've saved myself from being cheated on, and the like, but... I dunno. Gets very lonely at times.
Anyway, I'm just very depressed today. I used to be able to take my Crohn's disease on board; I don't really know why I can't any more. I just feel so frazzled and desperate to be rid of it, I don't know how to handle the feelings. I just keep on thinking my Crohn's started off so mildly, there must have been something which could've been done to stop it getting so severe: it's like an obsessive thought pattern for me now, nothing makes it better.
Hope nothing I've said has made you feel even worse... :-/