OT-Thoughts and guidance needed

Dear UC family,
I am in need of wise guidance and suggestions.This post is not related to my DD's UC. So moderator's if you find this post as a misfit- please feel free to delete. I hope my situation will be considered before deleting.

In this long post I am asking for wise guidance and suggestions how to move forward. Try to be understanding as we are from a different culture at the same time we respects all cultures and customs.

Background: My family came to US because of my husband's job in 1999.He is an IT professional.
We have 3 kids - 2 daughters(21,19) and younger son(15).
Because of his job's instability, we raise the kids in 80% of Indian culture and 20% of american culture as we knew anytime we may have to go back to India. Also we don't have any other relatives nor family here to make a difference.And all 3 kids- perfectly fine with this way of upbringing- never complains nor expressed unhappiness.

Girls never expressed nor indicated interest in dating or being independent after HS graduation and was given enough freedom and all needed facilities to be successful in their life and studies.(FYI-So far-everything is still fine with my elder one with UC. She is doing summer internship in a good corporate.)

My reaching out is for my second daughter.-
To begin with-She never had a goal nor passion in her life. But she was not depressed nor unhappy. She simply likes to move on with life in way that makes it easy for her. She was a very homely nice girl who was very easy to deal with and friendly but adamant at times. She trusts people whom she is comfortable.
She always gives us the freedom to decide things regarding studies or any thing imp for her as she herself was not sure how things can turnout. She is always a B,B+ student.

Even though she is 19 yrs- we feel,she has the maturity of a 12 yr old. As nothing noticeable happened to address this- we took it as- some kids develop in a slow pace and also could be partly being no cousins nor relatives to interact and develop her.

When comes to college, she agrees to commute to college and stay home.We thought under our guidance slowly we can build her up. She had very good moral values and respect for others till 4 months back. She did well in her first semester of college. Dad pays whole tution and expenses and all facilities including phone and car ,insurance and what not and She gave us the freedom to track her grades and college related emails.

To make a point- Our family rule is - no lies- no cheating nor hiding- Be there for each other and be open and it worked well and fine till march when she broke it.Also when we sent the kids to college we insisted and they both agreed to -no dating till they graduate and even if this happens in between they have to let us know so that we can help them to balance both.

Last march we found out she is hanging out with a boy from college but hiding it from us. Dad came to know this when he checked her grades and found out she is dropping down in few.Further questioning made her tell more lies even though we insisted to be honest. So when we finally figured it out we lost the trust in her.

The boy is very independent person who manages everything his own. He doesn't understand our culture and the way DD is being raised.He completely brainwashed DD about the freedom and fun of being independent without realizing the capabilities of this poor girl. In short she got infatuated and ran away from home.It was a shock and scared to death for us and knowing her that she doesn't know or seen anything about the bad side of the world because so far her world revolved around only family and family friends and church who all are good and nice whom one can trust.

After much effort we brought her back only to ran away another 4 more times.Each time she gets back she is more stubborn to deal with as she went from one extreme to another. The boy friend came and pick her up each time when nobody is at home.She simply stayed in his room even when her classes are only walk able distance. After all efforts of reaching out thru phone, emails,academic adviser with no good response to go to classes even when we made her last installment of tuition fees hoping she can get that much of credits- she failed it utterly due to lack of attendance and irresponsibility.

Now to point out- in the beginning boy friend claims that- us parents guiding her and controlling her is what causes all the problems so letting her stay with him in a different environment will help her to get into a better state.He said he can guide her to be responsible.I clearly explained to him DD is not the type of girl he has seen or met.She needs to be molded slowly as she is not yet ready to balance things.We supports the dating but don't take her away from home as she still hasn't grown up to that extent. But he didn't listen nor took it seriously.He never missed his class nor his job yet he never encouraged the girl he took to be responsible. So she failed her 2nd semester with academic probation.She held a good part time tutoring job and because of this running away and no car she got probation from there too for no show.
Keep in mind she is simply staying in his apartment with no money, no car and no food of her tastes as she loves indian food. She lost 10 pounds now looks very weak and unhealthy.

For the last 4 months we been trying and doing out everything possible from our side to get her back on track.But everything is 1 step forward and 3 steps backward state. She promises to do things, then after that no show nor response nor advance notice of change in mind. All these days we contacted her thru texting. now she is in his parents home from June on wards as he is doing internship near by. She admitts she is not happy there but she is not ready to leave him either.

In this battle,we lost more trust and money as based on her promise we plan something and book tickets to spend time with her but she simply forgets it or change plan based on BF's stand. Because of our family bonding and culture its killing us to let her go as most people do.If DD is a smart person we wont be this much worried. We know she is simply trusting BF for everything and starving herself.

Now all these sudden traumatic changes made her into a good for nothing person.She lost focus on studies, no interest in getting at least a part time job, weight loss, no sleep ,mood swings, complains about headaches as i came to know she is taking birth control pills!!! This breaks our hearts as its our moral and promise to be keep the virginity till marriage. She missed all her Dr. appointments I took for her as she is under my insurance. Took her to first counselling last week as she promised she will stick to the followups but again left to his place without notice.

We are sure she is depressed and overwhelmed and lost all her track and morals.BUT our hands are tied as she is legally an adult.These constant stress and drama has taken a big toll in all aspects of our life.So yesterday we took the killing step of detaching from her completely.Cancelled her auto insurance. Cancelled her phone.For some reason i feel hesitant to remove her from the health insurance now.
I really wish there is a mandatory test based on real life scenario's to be certified as legal adult rather than based on age. So that the society pays less to take care of rehabs and single moms.

Now my question out to all experienced parents and wise people:
Everything went out of control because of her BF's stand and influence.Is there any way we can take an action against him if he dumps DD before getting married? Our entire family is torn apart emotionally because of his influence on her.

Is it ok to let his parents know what their son is doing to an innocent girl and her family ? He failed her in all aspects of her life and she too admitts it. He promised me that he wont take away her from the house without asking us but he did it 4 times after that.


I feel its very important to let the parents know about the status of DD as she doesn't have any required status and doesn't know anything related to her medical and has no phone nor money no auto insurance.Waht do you think?

Any thing else we have to be prepared to cover the risk of this situation?

I am sorry for the long post.I hope whoever reading has the patience to read to the end.Thanks for your time and suggestions..

Your daughter is a legal adult and she may do as she pleases, even if her actions or actions of her boyfriend displease you. You might drive her further away from you, by trying to change her actions and guide her (as you say). It sounds like she wants to be independent, so give her some distance, give her a chance to forge her own path, and find her own way. She might indeed be acting foolish and irresponsible, but learning through mistakes is often the way we learn. Boyfriends come and go but family is there forever, so be there waiting, for when she is ready.

about all you can do is accept her choices even though they are not what you wish them to be. Try to keep in touch with her ... maybe invite her & her bf to dinner once a week or so ... and just treat her as an adult. Culture is a big factor, but she's here and wants freedom. From what little I know of Indian culture I believe that women are more sheltered (for lack of a better word) than they are here. She is experiencing a different way of life than what she has known previously. It may just be curiosity or it could be deeper. What would be her status if you would need to return to India? Would she be able to stay here legally? Is she legal if she's not living with you? I don't know much about immigrant status such as yours and how it affects your entire family.

Also, many times parents see their children through eyes that will always see them as children. Your daughter may be more socially adept than you realize. Make sure she knows you love her and respect her choices. There's really not a whole lot more you can do.

Post Edited (CCinPA) : 7/13/2015 12:37:40 PM (GMT-6)

Thanks Ipoop and CC.

Yes and agree Ipoop about giving her space- that's why we took the final step of being totally out from their relationship. We tried all recommended ways you all suggested to the max way possible for no positive results. He is happy and daughter is happy for being with him but she is not realizing where she is heading to.

CC-We all became US citizen's few years back. She knows that we love her so much.Even after last semester's drastic failure and money loss , Dad offered to pay for her college again hoping to get her back on track.She says she is serious about studies but shows no actions to build up our trust.So we decided to back off from that so that no hard earned money got wasted again for teenage fun.

Gary,
My other 2 kids feels terribly bad for DD's current situation. None of us are against dating- We feel bad because of her current state of living and her change in character.
My hubby has the same stand as ur's regarding informing parents. Still something inside me says mom only can understand mom.