Little Sympathy for Me, the Hypochondriac

Hello, I just wanted to have a bit of a rant, or to commiserate with others who have to deal with family, spouses, friends and acquaintances who think you're just "faking it".

I love my husband. He's a good guy, treats me pretty well and makes me laugh. When I say that he treats me pretty well, the main caveat of that statement is that he calls me (mostly in jest) "The sickling".

Now, this annoys me (obviously), but it's hurtful to a greater extent because it seems like he doesn't believe me when I say I'm sick, gets annoyed because I'm sick all the time, wants to play doctor and diagnose me himself, and blames me for my illnesses.

So here is a laundry list of the things that are currently wrong with me:

- Severe Ulcerative pancolitis (currently in a flare. I'm miserable.)
- autoimmune disorder
- anemia
- chronic pain
- chronic fatigue
- fibromyalgia
- rheumatoid and osteo arthritis
- morbid obesity
- hydradenitis supurativa
- insomnia
- depression
- anxiety

I get it. I'm not a ton of fun to be around, but it's annoying and dismissive when he says things like, "well that's what you get for eating crap food for 30 years," or "diet can cure you" or "how can you be sore ALL THE TIME!" or... "Seriously, you have to poop, again??!"

Even yesterday, I was laying on the couch and he came and sat beside me, forcing me to have to sit up. It was very painful for me to sit up like that because of my HS I have large sores on my tailbone, my buttocks, my anus and my vulva. Laying on the couch sideways is the most comfortable. He was annoyed because I was taking up the whole couch. Then later on I was sitting in the recliner and he came up to me and started squeezing me and covering me with kisses (a la Pepe le Pew) and I (the cat) was squirming to get away because just the weight of him on top of me was excruciating.

Sex is horribly uncomfortable when you have colitis (especially during a flare when your rectum is inflamed...here lemme bang bang bang on that for ya, ugh...) And I do what I can to keep him satisfied, but he beg and begs for it even when I'm so pale and so tired I can barely get the energy to take a drink of water.

I love him, but he just doesn't get it. He doesn't understand the constant pain, and I feel deficient because I'm annoying him and can't satisfy his needs.

I do my share of the house work (sometimes the lion's share) and work a professional career (and make more money than him, to boot) and yet, it feels like I can't win. I tried to just suffer in silence and not let him know how I'm really feeling, but to him it just seems like I'm always in a bad mood.

Thanks for listening.

I'm sorry for you as I totally understand. My hubby is a great guy on so many levels......love him to death BUT I think he spent more time being annoyed with me for being sick than actually feeling bad for me. I have since had surgery for my UC (no small, easy task) and I'm healthy now but at my worst with UC it was a strain on our marriage. I know it's not easy being married to a sick person....I get that....but man there was so many times I wanted to punch him for being an ass. And the kicker is if he gets the tiniest cold, he acts like he's at death's door.

Bottom line is no one will ever understand what it's like to deal with this disease unless they live it themselves.

NCOT, I believe it's "they're generally a good person except for when..." or with the one exception of

Oh man!

It's super tough when the people who are closest to us and are the people who are supposed to be the most supportive aren't.

Have you told your GI about your abdominal pain, maybe you need advancement of therapies.
Have you seen a hematologist for your anemia?
You have to make sure to get well and take care of your sled. Don't let your family convince you to avoid taking care of yourself.
Sit diwn with your husband and say. It hurts me when you call me sick. I have legitimate medical conditions that are painful and it is very difficult for me when it is belittled and minimized. Consider taking him to therapy with you to work on it.

ellelit said...
Thanks for listening.

Its time for your spouse to listen and understand about what's going on with you.

NiceCupOfTea said...
I must be missing something.

How can somebody be a great guy (or gal) but they're also arseholes who resent your sickness? Nobody's 100% perfect I get it, but if somebody has a consistent pattern of undermining you, they're not a great person.

It took me 40 years to work that out with my mum.

couldn't agree with this more !

I don't think you should feel like you're a hypochondriac, obviously you have a lot going on, and the fact that you call yourself a hypochondriac makes it seem like you're joking about the seriousness of your own condition. If you act like you're "Overreacting" or allow yourself to be perceived as a hypochondriac, he will follow suit. It sounds like you both need to work on communicating. Hypochondriac is an issue that could go along with a lot of your other conditions, but being ill and being a hypochondriac are two different things (though anxiety is an illness on its own - I do not mean to dismiss hypochondriasis as an illness). You have a diagnosis, you have chronic illness/s, if you're also a hypochondriac, you should work with someone to try to get it under control. It's difficult not to have health anxiety when you're diagnosed with so many conditions. It feels like it's all snowballing and you're waiting for the next thing to rear its ugly head.

I think you should work on getting your health to a state where it's not a huge consideration in your relationship. I wonder if you would still think he was a nice guy if you were well. I often wonder if chronically ill people put up with a lot because we fear being alone, or because we fear no one wanting to be with us... What you describe isn't a very nice person from what I can tell. Someone who insists on sex when it's painful for you. Someone who doubts your conditions, says it's your diet that caused it... Someone who calls you names, allows you to do the lions share of the work even though you're the sick one, the sick one who makes the majority of the money... In my experience, that's a bad person. Sorry to say it, but he sounds like a user. I hope you're getting something positive out of this relationship. Emotionally it sounds like it's toxic.

How strange it is ...this uc thing..you and hubby are probably a lot more like most people than you really know..your post is just another blue print for people like us too..but hey we tried the food alternative and all that pain slowly went away..the back the joints the gut..and the more we became active again the more the pain went away..I always thought that with all the med thing going on uc likes you to sit and suffer so to combat this we got really active again..we combined this with the proper foods to eat we went glutten free dairy free wheaton free..used aloe vera a grest probiotic serra pep tase for swelling and despite all the accidents we won against uc..we got all we needed to do from net...hey also your hubby loves you very much. ican read this between the lines..try food against uc..it worked for us so it can work for you..its all natural.....

linc497 said...
How strange it is ...this uc thing..you and hubby are probably a lot more like most people than you really know..your post is just another blue print for people like us too..but hey we tried the food alternative and all that pain slowly went away..the back the joints the gut..and the more we became active again the more the pain went away..I always thought that with all the med thing going on uc likes you to sit and suffer so to combat this we got really active again..we combined this with the proper foods to eat we went glutten free dairy free wheaton free..used aloe vera a grest probiotic serra pep tase for swelling and despite all the accidents we won against uc..we got all we needed to do from net...hey also your hubby loves you very much. ican read this between the lines..try food against uc..it worked for us so it can work for you..its all natural.....

Okay, that's nice. Let's hope you never develop a severe UC flare-up and find out that all your healthy food and activity is worthless.

I agree with platinumpixie. Wanting sex is one thing, but this husband sounds like he's emotionally manipulating his wife into bed and then pounding away despite her pain. This guy has "I am only interested in my own needs" written all over him.

Hope in time the topic creator gets enough energy and self-confidence to kick him to the curb if educating him doesn't work.