Padraig......My Wife....My Story ..Part 2

TO all my wonderful HW friends,
It is Christmas morning here in Oregon. I awoke to the sound of the surf again, very loud, as the storm was quite pronounced last night. I enjoyed it, but I could hear from others here that they didn't share my enjoyment!
It is indeed a different feeling waking up alone on Christmas morning, the first for me in 54 years!! After I got over the initial shock of it, I enjoyed my a.m. jolt of tea, and have been sitting in front of the beach front view, bringing back memories of yesterday that I spent with my son and granddaughter here.
Padraig, I understand how you want and hope for your children to not focus on just you, but to go on with their own families, especially considering the health problems they are facing with in-laws. How sad it is. As hard as it is to tell my kids the same: divorce and death have affected us all, but is the job of all of us to help each other, but never ignoring our own little family, AND to take care of themselves. It is easier said than done. I will not do it, but it is tempting, to call everyone in this now very small family and lure them over to the beach somehow!! Instead, tho', I will carry on with my plans and continue enjoying this day in a much more contemplative way than if there were people around.
I read a lovely and very thought provoking book about a month ago about a woman who desperately needed to move from her home and return to a place she used to visit as a child; an island of the east coast. It is a true story and examines her path of trying life on her own, forcing herself to meet new people, but taking her time with it, learning to enjoy her self imposed isolation, finding that she liked herself a great deal, read lots of books, explored her island, writing and playing with the seals. The outcome was a good one. She remembered the pain of losing her family but now that pain was something she could replace more and more with this new life, dressing in fisherman's overalls and slogging about in the marshy areas, building great fires and reading and writing in front of them, learning how to cook a different way, walking the beaches for miles and miles at a time, and eventually finding that this new life was one she truly loved, as different as it was from the one before.
I strive for that. I cannot get back what I lost, but I do not want sadness forever. I will probably end up moving from my very large home to someplace much smaller, some place with its own charm and interest, someplace for me to start a Linda Life, and not a Linda Who Lost Everyone Life.
Please take care everyone, remember you are thought of, and try to enjoy each day (or a part of it in some way.)
Padraig, I am so sorry that your children are facing potential losses with their in-laws so soon after Jean. It is a hard time for them. I hope you know, though, that at our saddest, it sometimes helps to be with others, even in their sadness. Don't ever shut them out for fear you are taking their time. They sound like smart and wise people who will know what to do.
I am off, armed in every water repellent garment I own, to roam the beach I have been listening to all night and morning. Perhaps a treasure shall be found!
Wishing peaceful thoughts, and moments of joy, good memories, and healing to all of you on this Christmas Day in Oregon, USA.
fondly, to all,
Linda

I am with you in Spirit G Padraig

Butterfly Kisses and
God Bless
Love
LYN

Thank you for posting
I am so sorry you were so ill my mentor...........I have learned from you to MAKE the best of each day with DAD and I will never ever forget all the other things I have learnt from you

..........Beautiful that the niece came to honor GJean and support you ....

I will keep your son in my thoughts and prayers as well as you always

Butterfly Kisses and God Bless
LYN

Dear Lyn, Mary, Padraig, and all the other wonderful caregivers:

It is 2008. So hard to believe it has been as long as it has since I was caring full time for Mom and Dad, yet just as hard to believe it wasn't just yesterday that Mom was asking me if she should give her bra to the deer in the yard, if I would mind if she wore her shoes on her hands in case she wanted to walk like someone in the circus, asking me numerous times each day who I was, wanting to help in the kitchen at every meal (even when the marigolds from the flower garden were going to be her first course), throwing her soapy washcloth at me EVERY morning when I would have her in the shower, believing she was in labor and begging me to take her to the midwife, arguing with Dad that he was supposed to be at work and not being a "lazy old man", looking at her reflection in the mirror and asking who in tarnation that old woman was, threatening to call the police if she couldn't have candy for lunch, looking at me with love, knowing I was someone she loved but just not sure exactly why, smiling her beautiful smile, and EVERY night when I would tuck her in to bed telling me that I sure was a very pretty and nice lady and that she was so happy I was helping her, then gently kissing me goodnight............and that's when I would know she really did know I was her daughter, in her soul, her heart, where it really mattered.

Nothing will ever be the same, I have been changed forever and in so many countless ways because of my decision to take on the full time care of my parents their last 3 years of life. When they adopted me I know they both believed they would care for me forever and never want to be a burden to me. And that was exactly how it was: They did care for and love me, a baby born from another woman who for whatever reason chose not to keep me, they loved me the best way they knew how, and they were NEVER a burden to me. Caring for them had many, oh so many, frustrating and anguished moments. Caring for them also had far too many precious moments to count, moments that created some of my best memories, and the frustrations would disappear with either a smile and a touch on my hand from Mom, or a smile from my dad, a smile of acceptance of the perfectly roasted pork, not dry as I usually prepared it.

For those of us who have lost our loved ones to this unforgiving disease, we can rest knowing we did everything we could to keep the quality of their lives as wonderful and full as possible, and giving them our unconditional love every day. For those still caring for their spouses or parents, I commend you for all you are doing to make this time as easy as is possible for them, for giving so much of yourselves, for showing your love by making their environment one of safety, and one of joy and contentment. I know how difficult it can get, how the frustration and hurt can cut you in half and play games with your heart. I also know how good it feels to go to bed at night knowing you matter, that you are the one who is keeping the light in their eyes and that your loved one(s) are with you another day, praying they will still be there in the morning.

My life has changed. My heart knows a love it didn't know before, and I face a new year without the two people who cherished this child whose mother didn't want her, even though deciding that the other children she bore were worth keeping, just not me. I face this year with thankfulness and respect for my parents for giving so much of themselves and I thank them for allowing me to be a part of their last years. I feel honored to have held the hands and kissed the faces of both Mom and Dad as they took their last breath. I live in the beautiful mountain top home they had designed and built for the spectacular views, as one of the first solar homes in the area, and I remember them every day. And I remember them with no regrets.

Be good to yourselves as we start this new year. I wish nothing but peaceful thoughts and dreams of contentment for all of you. Padraig, I am so sorry you were so ill, happy to know you are better, not surprised at all that you are back running so soon. Mary, congratulations on the great grade in your literature class and for exercising, sleeping, and finding the peace you deserve with the decisions you have made to give your husband the best possible care. Lyn, I always am praying and hoping that another illness doesn't pull you down again, that your dad is doing well, that you continue to enjoy that wonderful daughter Cait (who was so delightful to speak on the phone to, even tho' it was in the very wee hours!!), and that each time I enter the HW site there will be more kind, amusing, thoughtful, sentimental, words from you.
Blessings to all!
Linda

Hi Lyn, Linda, Mary and all you wonderful caregivers. Of late I've little time for myself, so much to do arranging finances, Jean's will, in addition to entering the outside world after years of caring. I feel so lost and all alone in this house, it's never been home. The one thing I need is a vacation and now I've found my Irish passport is out of date, it was for 10 years! It's many years since I've had a day off.
I've been out for my morning run five times now and I still live in the NOW, I find it works wonders in allowing me to sleep. Let the future bring what it will and be thankful for my blessings, is my motto.
Each caregiver is different as is their loved one. Therefore I would not dream of telling anyone to copy what I've done for my wife. What I can do, is write my thoughts and actions with regards how I view the world and acted accordingly.
A small example; I have cried very little, why? if I were to cry I know it would be for me, not Jean, because I'm missing her, my pain. Jean wouldn't want that. Often I could of cried whilst caring for her, but again I bit my lip and comforted her. I've had 'good grounding' as a child, 'boys don't cry'.
I've had the most rewarding gift of all, in by been blessed with giving loving care and comfort in her time of need to the love of my life.
Mary, I'll be in touch, as for now, my time has too many calls on it. Linda, God love ya, your one special lady. You know I'll answer you.
Lyn, your still on the AD road, hold those special NOW moments with your Dad, they're priceless for the future.
May your God go with you, and watch over you. I wish you well for the New Year.
Padraig

G Padraig
I also am hoping you will get the passport done and travel .I KNOW G Jean would want that so much .........
I do cherish every second with dad
He fell yesterday afernoon and I have been at hospital most of yesterday and all night am home for a few and change clothes answer some posts and back I go

I want him here with me so I know that he is looked after and not afraid ...........

You are in my daily thoughts ...many times my mentor .....my friend.......

God Bless
Butterfly Kisses and Love
LYN

Glad to see you posting Mary
Sure seem alot more relaxed for which I am so happy
Take care of you and keep us in the know of how things are going plz
Lyn
God Bless

Hi Lyn, Mary, Linda, Kitt and so many others. I'm back into my morning routine, running has become part of my life like brushing my teeth. So long as I'm able to run and walk I'll be thankful. More than ever I live in the NOW. So few people are fortunate to be bless with good health as they age. Many loose a loved one suddenly, without the chance to say good bye. At at time of loss all other problems pale into insignifance, and yet little daily problems keep us awake at night, if we let them.
Right now I'm still snowed under, going through paperwork, like Jean's will, the house deeds etc.
I've started some work on my book, it forces me to look back, not something I do alot, rather look forward with hope, but stay in the now. The thought of our third grand son popped into my head yesterday. Seven or eight years ago we bumped into him in the street. He asked if he could come and live with us, I'd promised them all that they were always welcome to stay. I agreed to have him, in spite of our daughter telling me she didn't think it a wise move (our son's boy). Jean at the time was doubly incontinent and required a deal of care. What I hadn't bargained for, was caring for an 18-19 year old. He had one wing of the house to himself with it's own kitchen, two bathrooms, three bedrooms and seperate heating system.
I washed, cooked, cleaned the rooms and ironed his cloths. He always took his meals into his room and let the dishes pile up, till I collected and washed them. In his year's stay he never once made either his granma or I a coffee or tea. I now marvel at how I kept my cool and just carried on regardless. It wasn't his fault but the failure in his upbringing. Some years later he sent me a nice letter saying how thankful he was for saving him when he needed help, he beleived I'd saved him from a life of drugs. I've still got the letter. If there is one thing caregiving has given me it patience, now I see how pointless it is to get upset, you lose when you do.
Each and every caregiver and loved one is unique and will have a different take on the illness, plus our perspective will differ. But there are things we have in common, we need to be wanted and loved and that's the child in all of us, our foundation. Can it therefore be surprising that our loved ones keep wanting/trying to go home, feel insecure puting money 'safely' away, then may blame a loved one of stealing it, because they're so sure of where they'd put it! So much hurt and pain along the road and so few get to travel the peaceful part of the journey. That's the end stage when speech movement are gone, but given those facts
we had almost five years of sharing each moment and they were wonderful.
I'll try to catch up with your posts at a later date. I started out with no family, Jean has left me with a daughter, son, 5 grand daughters, four grandsons, three great grand daughters and one great grandson (15 in all). Counting my blessings.
May your God go with you. Padraig

Hi Lyn, Mary, Linda and fellow carers. I've got to admit there are times I feel so alone and lost with no one to care for. But unlike so many that find themselves in the same situation, I've had the good fortune to have kept fit all through the years. At few stages in my life have I accepted the messages all around us. Such as the time marker of age, it's just that. I'm not supposed to be out running every morning before most people are up. In my 77th year why should people be surprised that I do 120 push-ups, 80 sit-up, and other weight exercises? So often when I've been told it's not possible to do something, it's like a red rag to a bull. I'm long past the stage of surprising people when they discover my age and statue. By the way I've started to put back some of my lost weight, I dipped under 140lbs when Jean passed away. The first time I was to discover what others thought about me, was sitting in my office in the Mddle East some 25 years ago. An american seeing my name plate on my desk "So your P.... R..., your not very big." when I asked why he should say so; "I've heard so much about you etc" It appeared my reputation of achivements preceeded me. It's got to be a built-in lack of self worth.
This time of year, more and more DVDs are being sold, showing with young girls and fellow telling pepole how to lose weight. That I find funny, now if they were 70 and 80 year olds doing it maybe more folk would take notice.
Kitt and Lynda, if I were to start an exercise, say sit-ups I'd start with 5, rest then another five, followed by a further five. I always count backwards i e 5, 4,3,2, 1,. Now When I do my two lots of 40, it's 39,38, etc, that way it's easier to finish. "Strain to train, not train to strain". A little to start with, build up by the week or month. It's never too late to change to a new lifestyle that'll keep you sharp, young and give a better quality of life for longer.
Lyn, by staying in the NOW, it helps me so much. I'm alive and well NOW, the next moment God only knows. Each NOW is like a slide in a frame which get locked away in the memory bank. The best ones you view later many times. As I travel along in time, my worst enemy is fear. That's the unknown i.e. the future. You can plan and you should, if they come off fine, that's why I work hard in the NOW. Hope I make sene. Your loved ones' fears are so much stronger, they can't plan. That leaves the question to the caregiver can you allay his /her fears?
Mary, Sorry I'm not off to Ireland, if I was, I'd not require a passport. I'm hoping to spend time with our daughter at the villa in Spain, she has an Irish passport, she was born in Germany! Are you aware that you're entitled to an Irish passport and that they are free to the over 65s.
Linda, as for our grandchildren, some are applying for Irish passports as well, all they require is proof (my birth certificate) their grandad is/was Irish. All 9 of them are now too old to come with me. They have happy memories of going to Ireland as youngsters, some have kids of their own.
Wishing you all well and may your God go with you. Padraig

Thanks sis
LOL
I got it and have it engraved in forehead .......

G Padraig I will post to you tomorrow
I am also living in the NOW or at least trying my hardest too do so
As days go by I know time is near
Butterfly Kisses
Luvs
LYN
God Bless

Hi Lyn, I'm hoping you're doing all right. What's the situation with your Dad? Linda, you appear to be settled for now and enjoying what life is giving you, may you have many happy days ahead. Mary, how are you coping with visiting your husband, and how's he doing?
Being so alone in this house, I find reminders of Jean everywhere I turn. So many things she used and bought over the years. I'd gotten into a daily routine over the years, that I'm still going through it finding Jean missing. I feel so lost and alone, not unlike the first twenty or so years of my life, but then I knew no different, that then was normal for me. Having lost my soul mate I'm back where I started alone, only the saying: "better to loved and lost, than never to have loved at all" strongly applies.
The experience allows me a glimpse in to the Alzheimer's world. The fear, not only of losing one's mind, but of the closest loved ones. I fight more than ever, to stay in the NOW, not easy to do as I travel along the sea of time, hoping and praying that the fog of Alzheimer's isn't going to decend upon me. There'll be no one there for me should it happen, I can only hope my time runs out first. As I sail alone in my craft 'NOW' in the hope of reaching calmer waters looking for that ray of sunshine.
Our daughter's Mother-in-Law is moving back to her home as soon as a care package is arranged. Her son is off back to work at the end of the month. I'll be only too happy to visit her as it will benefit us both. I had a nice day yesterday having lunch at our daughter's, three of the grand children were also there. The surprise of the day was a grand daughter bought me a pair of new running shoes (trainers). What can she be trying to tell me?! I'll just have to keep on running.
Lyn you and you're Dad are in my thoughts and prayers. Wishing you all that you wish yourselves.
May your God go with you. Padraig

My precious friend
I am so happy for you and that you shared this with all of us it is 9 in thae am and I am now all teary eyed ...Beautiful and the way in which you wrote it made it all the more poignant and beautiful to me
Thanks so much
I have been missing Mom I guess as my BD just passed and was doing alot of thinking about her yesterday and all things .........I was lucky to make so many beautiful memories with her and with my dad now ....
I try to keep living in the NOW as we all do sometimes it seems like it is more hard to do one day than the next BUT am getting it
Let us know how Jury duty went my friend plz
Lotsa love and gentle huggs
LYN