Padraig......My Wife....My Story ..Part 2

Dear Lyn, Padraig, Linda and all Caregivers,

I've hesitated to write because I didn't want to rehash my husband's children latest outrages. Sometimes I think I might be doing myself more harm by repeating and thus engraving the incidents in my mind. What I'm striving to do is disengage from them, at the same time being attentive to my husband. When I take a step back, I see that the activity comes in 2-week cycles, so when things seem calm, I've learned not to count on it. That makes me think of hormones, and his eldest daughter is pre-menopausal - maybe there is a tie-in.

Padriag, the fitness regime is on hold right now; I have a bad cold that has gone into my chest. At least I know that I'm not exposing my husband to it and that he is being well-cared for, something I was becoming increasingly unable to do.

You asked how my husband was doing: he is well physically, but of course the Alzheimer's continues its downward spiral.

When I reread this, it sounds so dry and boring, which is how I'm feeling. But I'm too tired to offer anything else at this time. It's not to say that I don't check the forum 3 times a day and think of you all. I value everyone of you and everything you say.

Love to all,

Mary

Hi Lyn, Mary, Linda and fellow carers. It's strange how family members react to their loved ones suffering with AD. The closest one, the caregiver, find him/herself bombarded with advice on what to do. You can't do right for doing wrong.
Getting involved in conflict, only adds to an already burdened mind. As a young fellow I met conflict head on gaving as good as I got. In time I learned a better way.
Many years ago I spent a two week vacation working in a bread factory. One day I fetched the wrong trolly to place loaves in, the supervisor flew into a rage, cussing and swearing at me. I looked him up and down, calmly: "Is that the only way you can communicate with your staff?" after a short pause: "It's not realy your fault, you know no different". He was dumb struck, I did feel sorry for him as other staff were having trouble with holding giggles. Mary you get my point?
Lyn, It's a shame that your siblings can't see that you're caregiving is the best medicine for Dad and that you should all be supporting one another. These days, be they a hundred or more, will be viewed in the time, just as a blink of an eye.
Like you Linda, I wish I'd found the internet and this site at the start of my wife's illness. But then I've always tried to avoid ending up saying 'if only' or 'I wish', by keep trying to do my very best with what I have. Mary please take care of your self, and look to getting back to fitness, you can, you will do it!
Caregiving is very special, a life is placed in your hands to treat with love and utmost respect.
May your God guide your love. Padraig

Mary I think of you often and all the trials you have had to face and also Padriags ....This just seems to make me stronger
I have had a rough wknd myself arguing with ALL the siblings yet they do not see Dad as I do .Still able to show care and love .I will continue to fight with every ounce of my being

Linda you are an inspiration to me and I thank you for all your support and friendship

G Padraig
I am going strong each day albeit it wears me out by the time night falls .I have not been on here for a couple of days due to beignphysically sick to stomache over their behaviour
'It seems the be all is to put him away and forget about him and I have told them it will NOT happen ......
Will post more as I find myself getting better each day and stronger

God bless you all for your support , love and understanding ..
Butterfly Kisses and God Keep you
Love
LYN

Thanks Mary
I am so glad I have you all to come to when the road seems so bleeding lonley

Love and God Bless

LYN

Thanks Mary
Your post put alot in perspective for me
I appreciate your support and understanding
take care hun and know I care

Luvs and God Bless
LYN

Hello.........
I am just checking in to see if you are doing better with your dad, Lyn, and how you are physically feeling; how you, Mary, are dealing with the family interruptions and if you are feeling enough better to be able to safely visit your husband, and Padraig with the many things that need to be taken care of after losing someone, as well as dealing with the loss yourself.

Being a caregiver is difficult. That is a fact. Difficult doesn't necessarily equate with negative things. We all know all too well the many difficulties, as well as the blessings we are given to have such an intimate part of our loved ones' life. The farther out I get from the time Mom and Dad died, my reflections of those years change. My journals I kept from the day I discovered through a visit that Mom's memory was becoming an issue, to the day I moved in with them, and then to their deaths shows me a perspective of the reality of the time. There were many difficult days, many days I would run downstairs to my living quarters and just cry hard from the strain of the day, from something my Dad would say which would hurt me because he didn't understand the disease, from watching my once brilliant and perceptive mother struggle with words to express even basic things, days when I would miss my old life when I had friends, a job I loved, proximity to at least one of my kids, fear of the future, anguish over who to give the most attention to: Mom who was physically healthy and Dad who was in and out of the hospital with complications from heart disease, but both very dependent on me. There were days that the physical toll of lifting, bathing, cooking, shopping, cleaning, yard maintenance, lack of sleep, interrupted sleep, and constant anxiety over Mom's physical safety, emotional well being, Dad's physical well being and emotional depression, and the loneliness I felt despite the fact I was living with two people.

As I reread those journal entries I see that I never questioned my decision to be their caregiver, just that I questioned my ABILITY to do the best by them, and then the peace that came from knowing that I DID know what to do, through trial and error very often, but that the instinct of love, protectiveness, and compassion led me through the journey. It seems as though it is much like how I felt before the births of my kids. How dare the hospital send us home from the hospital with no manual, but an expectation that we as parents would do well by this new soul. Then discovering no manual was necessary, that the instinct to love and protect, nurture and nourish was profoundly intense. So it was with my care for Mom and Dad. I worried up to the time I was following the moving truck over here how on earth I thought I would know what to do, that I had no training, no manual, no experience. I drove up to the house, felt a lump in my throat and rock in my stomach as I realized I was walking in the door to embark on an entirely unknown phase of life. As the movers unloaded stuff here and in storage units I walked in the door,was greeted so warmly and with relief from my Dad with a huge hug and a whisper of how glad and happy he was I was there, noticing a tear in his eye as he said it. In the background I heard Mom saying that Dad should get iced tea or lemonade for the guest, and that she would be right out to greet their visitor. A moment of recognition, loving hug and a kiss from my MOM, questions of why I was there and bringing so much stuff, and then still Mom, but not the same mom, showing me all the hospitality she did with all her visitors. I knew I was in the right place. It felt right, although different, and my thoughts quickly shifted to making a mental list of all I needed to do right away: get Mom an appointment to get her hair done, sort out her clothes and see she had appropriate clothing, put in a few safety mechanisms, attempt to decipher all the notes and labels on prescription bottles to get medicines sorted out for both Mom and Dad, buy some healthy food, get my Dad to his doctor to examine some obvious problems, and get a good dinner going for the 3 of us. And an hour or so later as the three of us sat down to probably the first healthy meal since the last time I had been over to visit, I felt great! Dad was grateful for a meal he hadn't had to struggle with making, with Mom's "help" and Mom was exclaiming how delicious the meal was and that we MUST thank the cook!
I smiled. I knew I was home.
Linda
Wishing all of you peaceful thoughts...........

Hi Lynn . . . I looked thru these posts to find an update on you (sorry to all the others who post here, I just didn't have time to read all the other precious posts here). I'm so sorry you have those nasty soars again. ARGH! I just don't believe your family is aware of all the damage they do when they come and interfere. I'd like to send you a big hug and a hot cup of tea! You are in my prayers sis. Maybe you could compose some kind of a letter that would show them just how close you and your dad are and how much of yourself you give him. Surely they are unaware of your bond. Just wishing things were better on that front. I found lots of help when I wrote a family letter to my sibs. I was delighted with the outcome. I hope your days bring about some delightful new encouragement to brighten things up. I'm glad your doc gave you the note to use in case of trouble again. Blessings!

My sweet sis
They do see what this does to me yet they dont give a dang ya know ..all for themselves .Often I wonder how can ppl come from the same parents and yet have so different morals views and the likes ya know
I am nothing like any of them .I am not materialistic nor selfish and I truly am out for Dad they are out for what they MAY think they can get .lol...JOKES on them I have that taken care of ......
Thanks for your support and lovely cup 'o tea it was wonderful .....Luvs ya tons
God Bless
SIS

Dear LYn, Padraig, Linda and all Fellow Caregivers,
A very brief post to let you know that my husband's children took him out of the Intermediate Care Wing right after breakfast on Tuesday. They did not sign him out, and the nurse had no idea where they were going. On a hunch, I phoned his lawyer, and yes, husband and children had just left, and yes, the children made the appointment, not my husband.
My husband told me later that he thought they were just going for a car ride. He says he doesn't remember what happened at lawyer's office but doesn't think he signed anything. Lucky that I have the new lawyer, probably the best in Vancouver for this kind of problem, so we will untangle this.
Love to all.
Mary

Linda, you are absolutely right about the difficulties for my husband under the circumstances and thank you for reminding me. I need to be extra kind to him and reassuring. I know what the kids are after: they want to use, or transfer the title, of a waterfront property that he owns into their names. It will be inheritated by them on his death, but obviously, they don't want to wait.
In a way, it has done me a favour: it's brought everything to a head, and their greed has made them act foolishly. I think that my new lawyer has this well in hand.
Now I need to get ready to go over to have dinner with my husband.
Thanks, Linda, for your sight and kindness.
Mary

Dear Linda,
Oh, no! All I thought was, "Oh, I'm glad to be reminded of how E. must feel. I must be sure to reassure him that I'm here, always, for him." It's as Padraig has said, "You have to enter into their fears to help them." I had been concentrating on the legal problems and lost sight of that.
I had had a very bad cold/'flu and didn't vist E. for many days, so as not to infect him. Now I'm on an antibiotic for a sinus infection and am no longer infectious to him (or the other patients).
I don't know if I posted this before: E. tore out a florist's ad from the paper, and I asked him if he wanted me to do something about it. "Oh, I didn't want you to know; I sending you flowers. i want to thankyou for loving me."
That makes eveything worthwhile.
Mary

Hi Lyn, Mary, Linda and fellow carers. Of late I feel all worn out, so much stress. I received a letter at the weekend asking that I visit my Doctor to discuss the results of my blood test. This left me wondering what might be wrong with me over the Sat/Sun. It appears that I have cholesterol problems in addition to high blood pressure. For someone who's not over weight and keeps fit it came as a shock. However I now notice the effects of the blood pressure, and note that it raises when I become stressed. It is possible that I'll suffer with the blood pressure for a while due to the effects of losing Jean. I'm now left with the problem of cholesterol, the Doctor could not find anything wrong with my diet and thought I did not require medication for the BP. I understand oats are good for the latter, that being the case I'll be starting each day with porridge from now on. I've also decided to change my routine from today, no more early morning runs, now they'll be late evenings.
Lyn, I see you are going through such a tough time, sharing your and Dad's pain. I've had some pain with back and busted ribs over the years while caregiving, but nothing compaired to you. All I can say is the harder the course the ritcher the prise.
Mary, It's strange to consider that we all have a life span of unknown length, yet some chose to ruin the special gift of time by weighing themselves down with hate, which becomes too heavy to off load in the fullness of time.
Greed and hate have their own payback, a contamination to keep well clear of, hard at times but well worth it in the end.
Linda, You have been there, suffered the pain and endured the tough times and at journey's end you are at peace with fond memories for the rest of your life. I wish you all well.
May your God go with you. Padraig