Padraig......My Wife....My Story ..Part 2

Lyn, Padraig, Mary and all others........
Lyn, you sound as though you have come to terms about your Dad, but isn't reality just horrid sometimes? He is so fortunate to have you and Cait, and hopefully the siblings will make visits only if they are positive and loving. You are right. He needs and deserves a loving and safe environment right now, more than ever. Sure wish I could help......

Padraig,
Facing health issues when you have led such a healthy lifestyle must be frustrating. I agree with Lyn, though, that the stress/grief/loss over a loved one can so easily cause or exacerbate health issues. I started getting severe migraine headaches which I had not had for many years, for almost 5 months and daily, while I was dealing with the estate and then just realizing the loss. I thought I was taking good care of myself and I think I was to an extent, but my emotional mental health was all over the place and that certainly can alter blood pressure at the very least! I sent you some information which may or may not be helpful....

Mary, hoping and continuing to send those good thoughts out to you, that are whipping those kids into shape, feeling better yourself, and being able to enjoy your husband as you both deserve.

Take care all. I don't know what the weather is like where all you folks are, but we are experiencing more extreme weather these last couple months, bringing a lot more snow than usual, some fierce winds that could tear siding off houses, roofs off buildings etc. On my road is a pretty hysterical sight: we had about 18 inches of snow and more was coming that evening right when the mighty wind of all winds picked up and formed gigantic snow drifts! There is a 4 1/2 foot snowdrift at the end of the road and I am waiting for the road crews to find time to clear it so that I can leave my house! I shovel off my driveway everyday, sometimes more than once a day, mainly for the exercise benefit as my rig can get through it fine. After shoveling yesterday to make the trip to the front door easier for the rural paper delivery boy, I noticed that within an hour there was a 2 foot drift against the front door! Snowdrifts other places nearby are even higher and traffic is impeded almost everywhere in a 100 mile radius due to these enormous snow drifts, whiteouts, and more. Personally, I enjoy the cold temperatures, the challenges of keeping warm, manuevering through so much snow etc. but there are many in town who are not sharing my opinion
fondly to all,
Linda

Hi Lyn, Mary, Linda and fellow carers. Lyn, I'm so sorry to learn about your Dad, like Jean, he'll fret when either you or Cait are not around, his sense of time is not ours. Like a child missing their Mom, they'll only eat when comforted by the sight of her. Take heart, there were many times I was ready to lose Jean, I've posted where I'd said to her: "It's OK to let go and be with your folks and our Karen".
But she left when she was called, that's why the NOW at this time is so very special, we can only hope there are many, many more to come.
You will recall my saying our daughter's Mother-in-Law was given months to live. Our son-in-Law came home from work in the Czech Republic to support our daughter knowing Jean was dying. To also find his Mom so ill must draw them closer. He was meant to return to work tomorrow, but yesterday he learned she now has only days to live. He took her home almost two weeks ago and arranged around the clock care by hospice staff. Our son's M-I-L is still in hospital. For now things look very bleak, but then for others poor souls things are far worse. It's truly a valley of tears to get through, knowing we did the best we could at the end can be some comfort.
Thanks very much Linda for all the information you provided, there's much to digest in more ways than
one. I'll be in touch.
Mary, there may be times when you'll be moved to tears, by what your husband says or does and he by you expressing by word or deed how much he means to you. To feel at one in their world is a once in a lifetime experience few are gifted.
At the end of a funeral one's in a daze, in my case there was a surprise from our son and daughter. Two songs filled the cold air, Nat King Cole's "When you fall in love" and Elvis "Love me tender" they seemed to sum us up as a couple.
I'm still counting you in my prayers, live in hope.
May your God go with you. Padraig

Good morning,
Lyn, I feel so much of your pain. On one hand we want our loved ones who are in obvious pain to be allowed to pass as much on their own terms as possible, reminding them that we understand their need to move on, that we loved every minute we had together, but that we are no longer their responsibility and in that sense, giving them that "permission." On the other hand, at least in my case, there are times when you either speak it outloud or secretly to yourself in prayer or thought, that your wish is for your loved one to hang on even a little longer. It's not being selfish, which is what I blamed myself for when mom was passing. It was my first time having someone so close pass, especially someone I had been caring for several years. It was easier with Dad as far as knowing he needed to go, that he so dearly wanted to go, and that going to be with mom was all he wanted. I didn't want to accept it, just weeks after losing mom, but I had to understand his wishes and just be with him and comfort him on his last journey. Thank goodness for the medications that our Hospice Care people provide for the family to use if needed during that time. Dad seemed torn between staying (he had always been incredibly stubborn, never giving up on a job or project) , fretting that the carpet needed cleaning, or the trees pruned.........., and hurrying to meet his wife. The anxiety medications gave him that relief. And like you, Lyn, as much as I knew very well how long he had and as much as I convinced myself it would be okay, I knew my world (that selfish part again) was going to change, that I would experience a sadness I didn't know if I could handle, losing them both within that short time. And like you, I was reminded dearly of pulling the bed right up to the hospital bed he used the last 2 days for safety, and slept with him, telling stories as he slept, bracing myself for that breath that seemed late in coming, reminding him Mom was ready to square dance with him, that because Mom was such a terrific cook that he had eaten his last dry pork roast, feeling deep sadness but veiling that with stories and touch, and then finally holding him when he went. I thought I knew how I would react, given my reaction and feelings after mom, but I was alone this time, sharing this with no one, and can remember screaming into a pillow while waiting for his "ride" to come. My consolation was that he WAS going to be with his Miriam, that he WAS ready, that he had said many heartfelt goodbyes in preparation for this, and most importantly that his earthly body would feel no more pain. But yes, the grief was profound.
Like me, Lyn, you are so fortunate to be able to have your Dad with you to help him, for you and Cait to share this experience, and to be able to comfort him.

Padraig, I hope I didn't overload you with information! I always tell my friends not to ask my opinion or if I have any expertise in something unless they want an encyclopedia size answer! Staying informed is important to me, learning all I can about current issues in everything from the economy, politics, and health. Sometimes I get TOO informed and the passionate Linda goes into a tailspin trying to understand all the WHY'S of what is happening in the country and world etc. My brother in law called last night and I told him I had forwarded on some of the information we had all been collecting and his immediate response was: "You didn't send him EVERYTHING, did you?? The poor man!!" I told him I held myself in great restraint and he was relieved.......

Snowy peaceful wishes to all................
Linda

I will post tomorrow about dad right now I am just letting it all sink in..

Thanks for all your love and support my friends / my family

Luvs and God Bless

Lyn

To all my family here
Dad is full of Cancer and has an anuerism on his heart and it quite a large one .......cutting off the oxygen to his brain,making the AD worse daily.........The siblings all told the doc that due to my health he should be in Palliative care .........I dont want this yet, I know I am afraid of the stairs here and a few other things ..I have yet to decide to do what is best for HIM.......not for me .......I do not want hm to die all alone ya know and I feel I should keep him here...BUT is that the best thing to do I keep wondering or am I being selfish with this whole thing with Dad

Plz keep Dad in your heart thoughts and prayers

I found this all out Thursday night but could not bring myself to post about it till now

Will be gone all wknd to get their ( mom n dad's ) house ready for real estate market ........Have demanded all siblings be there to help out .......

I have FULL POA on everything so any input would be appreciated ...I can take it so plz say what is on your minds .....especailly if I am wrong in telling siblings they will get NOTHING unless they help to get the house ready with me........

Input about dad and palliative care apprecaited as well....Luvs and God Bless..LYN

G Padriag........yes I am at the forks of the road right now and I am not sure which way to go at this point ........
I am so sorry for all the losses and the health problems facing your extended family

A trip to Spain sounds like a fantastic idea..........you could hide me in your suitcase ..I would fit no problem.......

Know I love and need some input on this all...........Be blunt and too the point with me all of you .I can take it believe me .......

God Bless
Butterfly Kisses and see you back here late Sunday or early Monday morning.......
Luvs
LYN

Dear Lyn, I'd no idea things had reached this stage with your Dad. I'm saddened and shocked by the news. Each day I've been praying and will continue to do so, in the hope you find peace and your Dad is pain free. There was a time that I was asked if I wished to have Jean in a hospice, I chose to keep her with me, but then she didn't have cancer or heart problems. If she'd had those problems, I would have accepted the offer, provided I was allowed to be with her as part of her treatment. That is to say that they understood we came as a package. Your background experiences would be of great help to the staff. I'd hope they'd understand that by keeping you seperate, would be like separating a sick child from it's Mom.
With reference to the house, I'd be inclined to ask nicely for their help (you shouldn't have to ask). Should they fail to help, when you have completed all the transactions, I'd then wait until they ask for some of the proceeds. When they do, I'd tell them you will need some time to consider their request, make them wait, while you think about it at your leisure. This is a time when you wont be thinking clearly. I know only too well there are things which require urgent attension, but take time over matters that can wait. There are things that are outstanding relating to Jean, but I'm in no hurry, for I know with the passage of time I'll be thinking clearly and not regret actions taken in haste.
Lyn, please God, may he bring you, your girls and Dad peace and comfort in your time of need.
May your God go with you. Padraig

WELL
They all did show up and all wanted to talk to me about holding the MORTGAGE for them......
I brought out my care book from ten yrs plus ( mom) and the last 2 plus with dad as we were all sitting at the table and I know well I am positive dad had a twinkle in his eye
Without rudeness or loudness I pointed out parts thru they years were I had been sick and asked for help
They were ALL to caught up in their lives to give the time of day ( except for one brother) and that was a short time BUT appreciated for sure..They each had their own agenda as well this wknd but it didnt pan out for them .......I have to worry about dad and look after him I will not be worrying about them ..

I am having downstairs bathroom renovated to put in a small shower with grips and safety bars for us *Dad* and as well have a hospital bed coming plus blocking off stairs with a childs resitant fencing thingy
I have decided I will keep dad here as I know I can and will feel better in the interrim knowing he will take his final breath with myself around him
I give him his pain meds each day and I am not getting sicker I seem to be getting stronger I think I am not just drawing it from inside but I know God Is helping for sure with all of this

I have told them all I cannot and will not hold mortgage .....they can get up to 10% down from 2 places here in Canada ( ontario) 5% from each for deposit and they will have to take on the mortgage ......They have a month to show me what they have done and paperwork as well
I was not trying to pat self on back as I am not Mother Teresa for sure but they had to know the truth and how I felt .........all of them in one room........your tea is wonderful sis thank you and yes he will want to be with Mom and I do hope FOR HIM it is soon ......I dont want him to go BUT he is in really bad pain and shape.......
G Padraig.......I have always valued your input and I am so glad you gave it to me straight up..the thing is I know the Hospice is about an hour away and I am not allowed to stay ther 24 /7 as I have Cait who still needs her Mom too .........this is a decison I really had to go over and over BUT the final choice came when Dad said to me just yesterday prior to leaving Bothwell ......he will be glad to get back to our house .........Now he is sleeping like a babe he is ........
Mary my friend thanks as well
I am so appreciative of all the advice and input of my family here
Yes they will be left small amounts of monies each and they can do as they like with it
I spend money of dad's on him and for him only.........
I am paying for the restoration of the main floor bathroom out of our monies as I may need it in the future myself ya never know
Dad was sure glad to be home and listening to " theinstrumental " Moonlight Serenade"
WE played name that tune .he did get me on a few lol .but I got him on some too
Cait read him to sleep and he was smiling as he dozed off..........That is something I cannot go without seeing til his Maker Calls him HOME to be with Mom
God BLess each of you ...........Luvs.LYN
Butterfly Kisses G Padraig
God Bless
Love
LYN N Cait

Thanks so much G Padraig for ALL your loving and supportive words

I also got baby monitors yesterday and was glad last night as he had a rough night of pain and breathing
The nurse will be by this week from my understanding to check in as per my request to cover my bottom with siblings
I will have no openings for them to get to me in any way shape or form........

Butterfly Kisses and God Bless
Love
LYN
YOu 's also Mary and Linda..Love and God Bless you both.......

Oh Lyn,
I hadn't been able to check the forum for several days. Please don't think I was ignoring your pleas for help or an offering of prayers.
You are finding yourself where I was, two times. My parents weren't as physically ill, altho Dad did have his heart problems that were always an issue. Hospice must work different in the US. Here, when we feel it is necessary to have help in the home, our doctor merely has to call and within a few hours at most the rentals arrive: hospital bed, commode, shower helper, all the linens etc. and then a nurse, and a social worker to coordinate everyone's efforts. The nurse brings a "comfort pack" which has all the medicines for palliative care: morephine, anti emetics, meds for anxiety, and other concoctions. If an IV is needed, that is provided also and there is no reason to go to the hospital unless the person doing the caregiving doesn't want all this going on in their home. Not only did a nurse come daily to take basic stats, but a "bathing nurse" came once a day to bathe and wash hair, change all the bedding etc. All this is with the expectation that the family will help, of course. It was a beautiful case of teamwork for us.

I relied heavily on the baby monitors...good idea. When it was obvious Mom and then Dad were getting close, I moved a comfy recliner into the bedroom so that I could read comfortably while keeping my eyes and ears on them. If I had to leave the room, the baby monitor would alert me to any plea for help, any sounds at all. Because of all this, I was able to be in the room virtually all the time with occasional restroom and clean up breaks, a bit of eating, and then back to talk to and read to and just touch them.

It sounds as tho' you have made a very good decision. Getting the hospital equipment is so handy. When Dad was still able to move some, but it often meant falling, the portable commode was indispensable. The bathing lotions that did not require rinsing off were great. I was also able to wash his hair in bed using a cap prefilled with a special shampoo. Disposable pads were great, and within a very short time the room they were in had everything necessary to keep them every bit as comfortable as any hospital, and obviously much better because all the sounds were familiar, the sights were familiar, and the smells were familiar. They both sensed, I know, they were in their own home with their own blankets, and with the same view out the window! I know it comforted them, and it was a comfort to me too.

Not knowing, as no one really ever does, I put off doing ALL things related to the estate. It could all wait and when my youngest sister who had only been around twice in almost 4 years (and living only 12 miles away!!) wanted to start dividing up assets, I quietly took her aside, away from Mom's/Dad's hearing and bluntly told her to just SHUT UP and stay ONLY if she wanted to be a comfort and help and if not to GET OUT!! This was NOT her time, it was their time, and I was not going to let her add drama to the ending days of their lives.

I think your decision, from what you have written about your wishes in the past, was the best for you. To have him with you is so important, and so important to him also! And I echo the GOOD FOR YOU for putting the siblings in their places. As I said, it is not THEIR time, it is time to think of only your Dad and only think, say and do things that will be in his best interest and comfort. I think that means you and Cait: it is you, it sounds like that give your Dad the most peace.
I know this is hard, Lyn. My heart aches for you as you go through this last phase and I will hope and pray that your time with him can be peaceful and memorable, and that your Dad can have his pain handled.

My thoughts will be with you. I agree with you that from somewhere deep within you you are being given this extra strength to get through this. Do remember to care for yourself too, tho. Cait is an extremely capable and loving young woman so allow her to be there for you and to lean on each others' shoulders.
Be strong, my friend, know you are doing all you can do, that you have always had his best interest in mind, that you have done it almost all on your own, and that you will be there at the end, giving him a smile.
sending you love, blessings, and prayers........
Linda

My Sweet Rosie........
Thanks so much for the wonderful Candies ( Cait ate them all lol) and of course your cup 'o tea what would I do w/o your tea......Flowers are beautiful as well
I know I am doing right I put update in MF so you can read there k
I am only on for a bit as I am so tired but as nice a tired as I will get for some time I think

Dad has gotten to where he does not even know what to do with a banana peel or a glass of milk so bleeding sad........I cry many a silent tear.I have this bloody reacurring thought that he is waiting to go on the same day Mom went ..am I crazy to think this .......I will be on more tomorrw as I said I need the support and all of you now as well

Thanks again sis
Loves ya
God Bless
SIS

Hi Lyn, This must be the most painful time for you. To date, you've kept up a super human effort, unlike me you have health and family problems, which add to your caregiving. At the end of it all, you will have gone through the boundries as I have and grapsed a deeper meaning and understanding of this illlness. I'm left of the opinion that so many patients give up on life, because of these boumdries. If they could speak I think they'd say: "What's the point of living when I'm no good to myself or anyone else, that's why I'm put away?" For sure that was the case with my wife, until I showed how much I valued her. The last days are the most painful, but you are in it together with love, making it a peaceful and blessed parting.
Life's load was lifted from Jean, only now do I feel exhausted, as my life's load has become heavier.
Like me you have your girls to support you. Our daughter requires my suport as her husband returns to work in four days time after burying his Mom. Two funerals in such a short time.
You are one special lady Lyn and I know you will keep doing your very best by your Dad. I pray that your given the strength and love along this final stretch of your lives to geather.
May your God go with you. Padraig

G Padraig
I am so bleding sorry about the MIL......My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours
I find I AM not as strong as I would like to think when it comes to Dad why I ask myself am I hurting more with him than Mom and the only answer I can find is I see the pain and all the frustration he has the shell of a once strong and major significant MAN in this world torn down first by this DD and then by this
Supposedly a father to others that do not come around .I am angry: angry that they cannot see or feel as I do although when in my right mind I know I am wrong for feeling this way to a point
NOT one has been here since my bro called last week.......not one has called and asked how he is
I am sending emials and PRINTING each one out I send to them letting them know so they cannot say I have kept him here without them being able to see them.....they are invited at the end of every email
I cannot sleep during the 2am and 6 am times it was when most ppl passed away in homes and hospitals when I worked'I just sit and watch to make sure he is breathing
I do so much crying it seems but I know I am being carried I am not walking alone ..........Am I crying for Dad and not just for what I will feel when he goes .I feel so bloody lost anymore.....
I wish I was as a strong as many think .........it is a "POKER" face I have to play just if it is for him you know
God Be with you and yours
KNOW I love and care so much for you you have gotten me thru many a rough time and it is something I will never forget EVER

Butterfly Kisses
God Bless
Love

LYN/Cait
I want him to go w/o pain and the sufferage he has

Tears are falling my sweet sis you are so right
Talk to you tomorrow for now I am going to wash my face and put that " poker" face back on .......

Luvs
Your sis