dealing with the loss

Hi Sadeys, There is no way that I can understand how you must be feeling nor how our daughter and son feel at the loss of their Mother, my wife. She passed away last year 12/12/07. I cared for her alone 24/7 for years and now I have come to understand what people meant when they called me 'a one off'. No one can councel me and like you say there's no expert that has a clue. The hardest part for me is not understanding the deep pain our son and daughter must be feeling. It's strange when I look back to what I once said to my wife in the early years of our marriage: "I'm lucky because I'll never know the pain it must be to lose a parent". Until my wife came along I'd never known the meaning of love or friendship and had never experienced emotional hurt or pain. Placed in State custody as a two year old (I was a bad boy) and released as a 16 year old to make my way in the outside world. No better than a stray dog I was happy to be free and knew nothing of customs like birthdays etc but at least I was free of the pains I did understand physical and hunger. My wife Jean, was the first person to embrace me and I her, (you see Nuns did not/could not embrace the infants in their custody). To discover love was the most wonderful thing, but also love hurts, and how. Jean gave me a purpose in life and when she became ill with Alzheimer's an overwhelming surge of love burst forth that gave me the strength to care alone to keep her alive five years longer than the medical profession predicted.
I'm alone again and there are days I feel totaly lost. I'm still questing myself as I did her so often: "Why did you ever marry a stray like me?" Her answer was always the same: "Because I love you." One statment that I made without thinking, stands out, when told by a doctor that he thought it was wonderful the way I cared for my wife, I replied: "no it isn't" Shocked he asked: "Why ever not?" me "Don't dogs look after their pups."
Sadeyes, Why did you care for your Mum? Because you loved her. If it helps I tell our children "Look in the mirror and see your Mum, you are of her."
I wish you well and may your God go with you.
Padraig

hi padraig and lyn,

thank youy so much for replying.

and sorry for ur losses

it seems like there are days when i can cope somewhat and theres days where all i want to do is lay in bed and hide from the world.

padraig, ur post really touched my heart!

my hubby is like urself, he too was in care and never knew what love was...even today he struggles with this.

hes often told me i could have done better him 

funny thing is i couldnt have done any better

what other man would stood by me,with me looking after my mam and dad for almost 10 years!

hes been my rock throughout all the struggles i've had with mam and dad and was always there with a shoulder for me to cry on when things got too much for me.

i'm sure your wife felt the same about you, and yes, if your anything like my hubby you may have had your moments, but u were there for ur wife till the end and thats what counts!!!

i know in my heart that my mam wouldnt want me to waste my life being miserable, and i'm sure your wife would have felt the same!

i think we need to run with the good days and make the most of them, and do whatever comfort's us on the bad days.

lyn

i so get what u mean about going to ring ur mam or dad. i actually went to the counter to buy  a sleeveless jumper for my dad and ran out of the shop bawling because i realised he was no longer with me...i must have seemed a right fool to the casheir.

i always thought that life is so strange...its like 1.2.3 and ur gone and everybody goes back to their lives.

but having had both parents die, i realise that it only seems like that, its the family thats left behind who are left to deal with the loss and greif and the pain of losing someone they love.

i have a question,do either of u still talk to the ppl who passed?

when i get really bad days, i talk to my parents asking them to help me get through the day.

sounds mad i know, but it helps.

all the best,

sadeyes2

Hey Sadeyes2: I am so sorry for what you've been through and what the road ahead holds for you. Not only are we isolated and obsessed with the well being of our loved one with this horrid disease, we are ostracized from the workforce due to the gap in our employment history. As far as getting help, while caring for our Alzheimer's relative or parent, there is no help. There is the fiction of services however, they dig into your private business and get into your affairs and then inform you, there is no assistance available because you're a relative. Relatives are not recognised as caregivers. It's like, if it's your parent, it is expected that you will care for them. If that were true, where are the rest of the siblings? Out living their lives, their way and wouldn't even try to find money to help when we had no food or gas. My brother is a university professor. He claims he is struggling, financially, well he want's to step into my shoes for a week or so. Then he'll understand "sruggling". It is not having to settle for the second best caterer for your Christmas party b/c the best is too expensive. Yup, they're struggling. Sis, well, sis. Last I heard she got busted for contraband at the airport while trying to fly down, pick up Dad although she has been forbidden to do so by Adult Protection, and wanted to take him 4000 miles away from his wife, brothers and sister as well as myself who's been in this position as caregiver 24/7 for over two years. 

I wish I had an easy answer for you. I know here, if I had to get work quickly, I'd have social services fund my entrance in to a Personal Care Worker course, employment is guarenteed because the population is top heavy with elderly folk needing care. That's likely the road I'd take. I once was a specialist on High Risk Youth in Social Services, as well, I worked at a children's hospital. Not much chance of wheedling my way back in there. To much time has passed and it's all highly competitive. Good luck and see if you can find somebody to help, often, that helps fill in the hole left by the loss of a loved one. 

                                                                                   

Sadeyes2, Seems to me you have a good man to stand by you. I have many very low days, but then I've learned to keep going and tell myself I'm getting soft: things could be worse, the very worst would be to have AD. It is so hard for me to relate to others as my perspective on life is so different. Sorry I was never in care, I was sentenced by a Judge to fourteen years as a two year old. Up to recent years the state were in denial and so was I that I had served time. Two months ago I won an admission from the authorities that I had suffered abuse and starvation etc. They had little option, too many wittnesses came out in the recent years and with the internet anyone can read about Industrial Schools. My stay in these places at the time never affected me, I knew no different. The one thing I can't discover is why everyone abandoned once I was put away. The little I do know I learned in 2006. The good that came from it was I entered the university of the world uneducated, and what a wonderful education I'm still enjoying. One aspect as a caregiver was a humbling and educational experience. The shopping, cooking, washing, ironing, cleaning every day year on year and caring for the baby she had become brought home sharply what most men take for granted for what their Mums and wifes do over a lifetime.
Now I try not to look ahead, just take each day at a time and just hope there may be something nice around the corner. When I cared for my wife I stayed in what I called the NOW and was greatful for each moment as they passed. My wish was granted, that I be there the whole 12 year journey.
I can well understand you talking to your parents. My first experience of that was the feeling our younger daughter, who was suddenly killed stayed close to console me during the raw pain I'd never known up to then. I'd cried for the first time in my life. Now I know Jean is all around looking out for me.
Knowing it was her that inspired me with her quiet gentle and kind ways she has left a lot of herself in my being. It's been my very good fortune to have been blessed with my own special angel, so I count my blessing, few have been so fortunate. I hope my perspective helps a little. I wish you well.
May your God go with you. Padraig

dear sadeyes, first i'm very sorry for the loss of your mother. my momma died 2 months ago. i know how you feel when you say you feel so lost and empty. and there's no joy in life anymore. i feel all those things. momma was in a nursing home, but i went there every day for years. i seldom missed a day. now i have no where to go. momma was my life. i haven't been leaving the house. i've made an appointment with a councelor. maybe that will help. i hope things get better for you. your in my prayers.