No Happy Endings

Oh honey, never feel like you've failed! You've had to endure more then any human can imagine! You have to know you did your best under the circumstances. Never ever blame yourself, nor your father......it is the disease that did this to him.

Hello: I just had a bit of furthur detail, an up to dater, so to say. My Father is relatively content, in a Non-lockdown Seniors residence, just about twenty minutes from here. He is still wait-listed for a bed in the Nursing Home, that his wife is currently housed in. Generally, the Provincial Health Authority tries to place spouses in the same nursing home. My stepmother seems to enjoy most of her days where she is at. However, were my Dad to go to that particular home, he could probably be allowed to leave the locked unit, and visit with her twice a day. The staff on my stepmother's unit, know my Dad and like him, he can be funny and endearing, at the same time, when something isn't bothering him. Primarily, though, what I'm struggling with is, if he were to be moved to stepmom's facility, he would be on a "lock-down unit," only allowed out when accompanied by staff, or family (I guess).

My Steomom is relatively fragile (Four serious health problems, Stroke(s), Diabetes, recent hip replacement, and kidney Disease) She has to be hooked up to a dialysis machine (peritoneal dialysis) every four to six hours, and my understanding is that the process only clears out 20% or so, of toxins. She is not a candidate for a kidney implant due to her fragile condition due to the other factors, plus her age, plus she won't quit smoking. Then if she were to pass, and my Father was there b/c she is there, he would be in a locked facility, not the free to roam facility he now enjoys, (I guess). I'm not sure that if I were to move closer to the city, and he'd allready had a move from where he is to where she is, and she passes, since there is such a long wait list, they wouldn't be keen to move him a third time (nor would it be good for him as the disorientation is a biggy). 

I feel really isolated in all this decision making. All my sibs want to talk about is money. I was good enough to care for Dad 24/7/360, for two years and two months, but they consider me not responsible to handle the business (financial) aspect. However, since I am POA for both parents, and my Dad stipulated me while he was still mentally competent (Doctor's assessment, in writing) at the time he appointed me, as was she, they (my absentee sibs) have little power to influence the outcome(s)

I know they are angry about all this, and I'm sorry for that but it is what it is. The farm will be sold this month to go towards settling the debt with the bank, and hopefully a few other outstanding bills but the house is about to be condemmed and burnt (by fire marshall b/c it's in terrible condition) For about five or more years they had leaks all over, the roof is caving, and were someone to clrawl in and  have a roof fall on them, or the towering crumbling chimney, who would be blamed? Any thoughts?

Dear Jeanie143, and everyone: I have to say, this forum is what gives me the strength needed to keep going. My family doesn't behave like a family, more like Stock Brokers whom we all know about as being self obsessed, money oriented, and not humanistic at all. Unfortunately, they come by it honestly. My bio Mom was and is exactly like that, God Bless Her. We don't speak, often. I feel really bad about that but there isn't anything I can do. I have tried emailing her, but emails come back, she probably has me black listed on her website. Today is my birthday. I had three emails from Healing Well, three from the Astro center, absolutely nothing from anyone else. My youngest son is here God Bless Him, getting me through February. This is the absolute worst month for me. It's not the age thing so much, or the weather, it just seems so barren and difficult. It makes me feel like getting a little camper truck, loading up the dogs, and heading out for Arizona. That would be what the other's are doing though, isn't it. Running. Thank-you all so very much.

                                                                                                           

..........Happy Birthday my dear friend

I wish for you a day of peace and some actual relaxation today

 

........YOU have FAILED no one and plz know that

We are all here for you hun

I am so sorry you n your bio Mom are not getting on..........

Have a good one today PLEASE

Luvs

LYN 

Thank-you all, ya'll brought tears to my eyes. Good tears.  Cleansing tears. It's like a blessing when we actually forget about everything pressing down on us, and just cry. It releases some feel good chemicals in the brain. Thank-you. I had a hard, hard day yesterday. I guess I should try to focus on the good things, like having a son to help and sometimes carry me when I'm too weak to do anything. When I am living in a beautiful house right on the water, when I have three solid white cats (supposed to bring good luck), and two dogs with their completely opposite cute little ways who love you, despite whatever you have said or done to offend is forgotten in an instance. When despite the bats and rafters and spiderwebs gathering all around, and skeletons tumbling out of the closet, there is this ever so faint gleam of hope on the horizon, which may actually account for why all this has to happen, all at once. When others mistake our kindness for stupidity. When what you had taken for family turn out to be "imposters" and what you thought of as "the guy next door", turns out to be your best friend and solace, helping in whatever little ways he or she can despite the avalanche falling all around. When you are so sore and feel like someone used you as a "Heavy bag" and beat the daylights out of you, the night before. When coincidentally, an appointment with a neurologist for your aging Dad, turns out to have bad news. Apparently, my Dad has been walking around with a golf ball sized tumour in his head, which may account for some of the sudden changes in behavior and demeanor. The tumour is not cancer, but it is large and pressing on areas of his brain, and potentially causing swelling that could be fatal. So, we have to have a MMRI, coming up. Sixty-five miles over hill and dale in falling apart car, which has all kinds of problems as a result of crashing into a ditch on a back road, because you're trying to do too much, trying to get it all done, all loose ends tied up before whatever lies ahead gets the jump on you. What I got from my brother when we delivered the news was a Christmas list of things he wants "preserved for him", sentimental value and all. Well, I told him Dad and spending time with Dad while he still is lucid enough to recognise his children, should be sentimental enough, for him. God Bless. ps. I would love to go out and get rip roaring drunk but I know I'll only feel way worse tomorrow.

Update: Brother called while I was visiting Dad at the Home where I await further instructions re. his brain tumour. I think we may have a breakthrough. I took the phone and calmly explained my $749.00 a month pension does not allow me to run electricity on two houses much less pay rent on the one that's livable,and the mortgage on the falling down house. It sounded like he got it (maybe). He said he did. On the other hand I rec'd a lovely email from baby sis who used more four letter words than you can find in the dictionary. I guess she isn't coming to visit before Dad loses every wit he ever had. She can only visit him in Nursing home b/c last time she took him joyriding w/o clearance, they got stuck, he had to push them out of the mudhole, and they were drinking. Dad seems quite happy where he is. He is free to roam, inside the facility and I try to get him out 1-2 times a week. Thank-you