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TV series' solution to parents with Alzheimer's

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Posted 11/12/2010 2:04 PM (GMT 0)
I watched an episode of Desperate Housewives that was shown 2 weeks ago. Tom's mother came to visit and helped take care of the newest grandchild and also just to help out in general. The problem was mom got her kids' names confused which made Nanette suspect she could have Alzheimer's. Tom didn't believe her and told her to leave it alone until he witnessed an incident from his mom where she slapped Nanette after getting confused and didn't know where she was. So what was the solution? They sent mom to assisted living.

Mom was pleading with Tom that she didn't want or need to go. Tom told her all the siblings agreed that it was for the best because she can't live alone anymore. This is what bothered me:
1. Mom should have a long way to go before she can't take care of her everyday needs.
2. She has multiple children who should be taking turns caring for her or even just one.

As mom was leaving she told Tom "Tommy, remember when you were at summer camp and you didn't want to be there? I told you that you could come home anytime if you want to." I cried my eyes out watching this part. So Tom got sad for about 2 minutes of the end of the episode. He was back to normal in the next week's show.

What kind of world do we live in where parents are tossed aside to strangers to take care of because we lead selfish lives and does not want or care to make sacrifices to ensure the safety and security of our parents? Who would have their best interest if not family members? I don't care how well workers do their job. There's always job stress and with the economy the way it is, people are taking out their frustration at work. Unfortunately in this case it's elderly people who can't defend themselves instead of co-workers that are equal in mental capacity as them.

My grandmother used to always say the one who goes first is the luckiest. My grandfather died before her and she was tossed around between 8 kids until no one wanted her and she was sent to a home where she died there. PEOPLE need to wake up and realize everything comes around and what you do you will receive when it's your turn.

I'm not attacking those that have sent their parents to a home. I'm sure most have tried their best and this was last resort. In Tom's case it was a quick fix.

Thanks for letting me vent.
Posted 11/12/2010 2:25 PM (GMT 0)
Yes, it's a sad world where people feel that it's okay to "throw away" the elderly. My feeling is if it wasn't for the elderly, then YOU wouldn't be here today. We need to thank them, not discard them. In my case, putting my Gma in assisted living was the last resort and I was highly upset about it. But she was being verbally abusive to my daughter (who was only 12 at the time) in which it led to counseling sessions for my daughter. I had no choice really. But to do it as a FIRST resort??? Never!
Posted 11/12/2010 5:16 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you for getting my sentiments. You don't see people sending their children to orphanages like they send their parents away to nursing home. Being old sucks. You slave your whole life providing for your family and in the end you don't even get the respect you deserve for all the hard work.
Posted 12/31/2010 10:49 PM (GMT 0)
I just watched a TV movie with David Charvet called the "perfect teacher' which referenced a woman who was caring for her mother while dating David Charvet's character. He asked her if her brother could help out and she said he won't that's just the way it is..

Bravo! I'm so glad this movie included that brief dialog to show the care giving role in our society today. It's always one sibling who does it all.
I know nothing will change but at least it's recognized.
Posted 1/8/2011 1:46 AM (GMT 0)
Well said. While I realize caregiving is A LOT of work, you have to think about the whole picture  and think of the patient's side of things. What would you want if you were in that situation?   I was just reading some interesting caregivier stories on this site....worth a visit:   http://www.eldercarelink.com/Go/contest/main/CreatedOn/All/1      
Posted 6/16/2011 4:07 AM (GMT 0)
In the same situation, what would you want though?

For me, I don't necessarily want to burden my family with my care and would prefer to be cared for by professionals rather than my children having to bathe, feed, dress me. I wouldn't want to ruin their life by having to need their care.

That's just me, and I know not everyone is the same, but when it's my time, i plan on researching well, finding the place where I want to live if I need to go into a nursing home and making my own decisions regarding it.

But, yeah, I don't think i'd be comfortable being cared for by my children when they have young families, busy lives, jobs to go to, and then after a long day at work, they have to come home and wipe my bum? No, stick me in a home and come and visit me regularly, take me on outing regularly and enjoy me rather than be stuck with me.
Posted 7/1/2011 2:09 PM (GMT 0)

I've read this string over and over, and seriously, my I don't consider myself to be the kind of person to toss my parents into an assisted living because I'm selfish. I hold down a job, a house, travel frequently, and try to take care of my parents by myself because my other siblings are hours away. I also have caregivers coming in to help, and I do their finances.

What I believe is that my parents raised me to be self sufficient and do exactly what I'm doing -- I don't think they would want me to throw away my job, my family, my house just to take care of them. As a matter of fact, many of my colleagues are in the same conundrum that I am; how do we best take care of our aging parents? It's not something I take lightly and think about it constantly. Not only do I have parents here, but in-laws on the east coast who are having major issues. And please remember, our generation is probably the first generation to really have to deal with aging issues. Our parent's didn't really have that issue (some did) but I know my parent's both retired at 52, and their parents had died before their retirement. They didn't have to deal with aging parents. It's a tough thing to carry this load. I realize my parents raised me, but I think they know they are loved and cared for -- even if I need to rely on an assisted living facility.

Posted 7/9/2011 8:35 PM (GMT 0)
What's right for you and your family might not be right for me and mine. And what's "right" may not be what actually works. It's a tough decision, to put Mom in a facility or not, and whatever you think is best is what you should do.

And you can't go back and see what would have happened if you had made a different choice.

This is like a lot of life: Do whatever looks like it is the best you can do, and don't second guess yourself, and don't second guess others.
Posted 7/11/2011 1:41 PM (GMT 0)
Agreed Pistol Pete. Everyone needs to make their own choices to make sure their family members are safe and cared for in the way that is right for them. And that's evident dealing with parent's on both coasts!

Posted 7/11/2011 10:46 PM (GMT 0)
Please let me jump in. No parents want to burden their children and will say so while they are still mentally stable enough to make this comment. However, once they are incapacitated and vulnerable, all they want then is to be with family. I see the terror in mom's eyes when I drop her off at the daycare center every morning on my way to work. That's just 5 hours a day and she goes home after that.

I know everyone has their hands full with their jobs, husbands/wives/children and other responsibilities and everything is prioritized to what's most important. Let's be honest everyone, elderly parents are not on the top of the list for most people. I read any article recently where a woman's friend sent her mother to a nursing home and told her friend that her mother was happy and adjusting well. The friend went to visit the mother and got a different story. The mother told the friend that she was told by her daughter that her placement there was temporary and basically guilted her into staying because "she wouldn't want to make her daughter's life anymore difficult than it already was" The mom lost weight, spoke to no one and kept to herself. She felt abandoned by her loved ones and they rarely visited.

My cousin is a doctor and she said she worked at a nursing home where most children do not visit. They get dumped there and it's out with the old and in with the new. Out of sight and out of mind. Again, I'm not saying people who send their parents to nursing homes are evil. We all try and do our best but please think of what kind of examples you are setting for your own children. They see grandma in a home then you know you will be in one too when you're old cause that's all they know. Of course if you see it as a happy pleasure house waiting for you to explore then you're fine. Who knows what happens in a nursing home once you drop your parents off. These are not family members that work there. They get a paycheck but they are not emotionally bonded with your parents like you are. They don't know how you always made sure your mom's hair is perfectly brushed and her nails trimmed and polished and she gets a change of clean underwear just because the weather was getting hot. There are too many people couped up there for them to care.

Just remember your parents didn't send you away when you are small and acting up. They also had problems to deal with but they managed some how. If you can seriously live with sending them away to a place they will never leave from then that's all I ask. Me? I cannot. I always place my needs last. That's how my mom was so I got that from her.
Posted 7/12/2011 2:55 AM (GMT 0)
Well, Bella, then you win the badge of honor. I cannot live up to your expectations. We all need to do what we need to do to take care of our parents and I am satisfied with how I am handling things.
Posted 7/12/2011 3:36 AM (GMT 0)
Hi Lonie,

I completelly respect your decision. I'm sure you checked out the facilities and judged it to be the best place to have your parents live out the remainder of their live. I never trust anyone so it's probably an issue to deal with myself. It really sucks to be old.
Posted 3/2/2012 5:10 AM (GMT 0)
So on Brother's and Sisters Sally Field's character sends her mom to a home because her mom wanted to go. Then last week Grey's Anatomy Richard sends his wife to a home because she wanted to go. For once I would like to see the children do their best because shipping mommy or daddy off because they don't want to burden their kids and the kids are happy to comply. I just feel what these shows are doing is encouraging people to send away their parents. It was very sad to watch. I always see it as a last resort. Maybe for timing purposes on the shows it is assumed the children had done all they could before saying bye bye and we will visit you.... maybe.
Posted 3/2/2012 3:03 PM (GMT 0)
My Mom is adjusting really well now; my sister's and brother visit her every day and take her out to do things. She also has many grandchildren and even my cousins who stop in for a visit -- and she told me she is really happy. She has made some friends and she told me they are all in the same boat because nobody can remember anything. She has sad times where she misses my Father, but all in all, she is in the best place she can be. THe staff are kind and caring plus they keep her active and check on her all the time.
Posted 3/2/2012 5:14 PM (GMT 0)
That's something that wouldn't happen with my mom. She's not social and would only withdrawal and wait for me to come and see her and then take her home. She was never the self sufficient type when she was normal so she always expected to be cared for by me. When I take her to the doctor and the doctor asks her questions she turns and looks at me to answer. She won't lift a finger.

I'm the only sibling here so if I don't visit then no one will be there and that would mean I would have to do daily then she might as well live with me to save me the time and gas money.
Posted 3/4/2012 10:59 PM (GMT 0)
I know everyone's circumstances are different, but I made a promise to my mother, she would never, if any way possible within my power, go to a nursing home. You only have one mother, she raised you, looked after you, fed you, dressed you, tried to give you all she could.........now it is her time to receive. My mother had cardiomyopathy, which was a death sentence, but with today's meds, she lived for years after her diagnosis. When her body could no longer tolerate the medicine, she lasted 3 months, weaker and weaker by the day- Parkinsons on top of that.

 I took care of her when she was unable to do a thing for herself, hospice helped.

Do what you can, your mom does NOT want to go to a nursing home- I have never heard anything good to come of that. They die lonely and broken hearted. I'm sorry, but that is me.

 

Moky yeah

Posted 3/4/2012 11:10 PM (GMT 0)
No one is saying you are a bad person if you do send them to a home. Just make sure it was the last resort and not a quick fix.
Moky, you are awesome!
Posted 3/4/2012 11:33 PM (GMT 0)
Just for clarification, is this discussion about parents with Alzheimer's Disease or has it strayed off track and the discussion is now about elderly parents who can no longer live alone ?
Thanks,
Kitt
Posted 3/4/2012 11:39 PM (GMT 0)
It was about what the title said. How TV shows solved the problems of parents with Alzheimers. They all send them to a home then the discussion just went all over the place.
Parents who cannot take care of themselves any longer would naturally need help. The discussion then became a questions of "who will do it?"
Posted 1/17/2013 2:36 PM (GMT 0)
Grey's Anatomy had the chief's wife get emergency surgery. He blamed the nursing home for neglect. They lectured him about not visiting her at all to even notice. In the end he decided to take her out of there and back home but this is TV after all and they want him to move on so she dies and on to next storyline.

Meredith asks Derek to not place her in a home when the time comes. Yeah good luck with that one.
Posted 1/24/2013 3:30 AM (GMT 0)
My family went through this 9 mos ago when my mom died...she was 87 and was caring for her 96 yr old sister who has alzheimers. My aunt "M" is been pretty clear of mind but would get confused and angry at times. My husband and I along with our then 17 yr old daughter had to move into my moms house to care for my aunt. Alot of changes...we had to move out of our home, move 80 miles away into a small 2 br home. My aunt and daughter gets the BRs and my husband and I sleep in the LR, he on the floor and me on a daybed. We try our best to care for my aunt who is now 97. She gets to be irritating constantly asking if the dogs have been fed. We tell her yes and in just a few minutes she will ask if her favorite dog has been fed. We have to tell her yes again. She dont want us to put the dogs out to potty, dont think they need to go out. She'll argue that she hasnt had anything to eat even though we gave her her food an hour ago. (She only eats twice a day but may have a snack).
We would not put her in a home unless as a last resort. I promised my mom that we would make sure she was taken care of and even had to make my brother see that he wasnt capable of staying here day after day with her...he liked partying and his freedom. And just recently he passed away. It is hard taking care of her, she sits and watched TV all day, we try to get her interested in other things. She does go to listen to music two Sat. a month...and she even dances. She has made a name for herself in our town...and has had her picture in the paper several times. I have a hard time dealing sometimes but I do love her and until she gets to where she is bedridden and we cant care for her she will stay here where we can give her what she wants and needs. We have our own health problems and my husband lost his job a yr ago because of having to go on insulin (he was a truck driver) Someone has to be her all the time, we do have an aid that comes wjich helps alot.
I am going to join ALZ support group in my area to help deal with the behaviors. Kathy
Posted 1/24/2013 4:08 AM (GMT 0)
You are a really special person to take care of an aunt like that. Most people wouldn't even do that for their own parents. I give her credit for being that age and still be so active. I wish my mom would speak more than jibberish and watch TV. She has no attention span and has her eyes closed about 18 hours a day. There is nothing of interest for her.

Our needs are never met of course because we are caregivers and we take a back seat for everything. The guilt is what drives us to keep going. People always say what about you? Yeah well if I send my mom to a home and get to live my own life then I'll just have a breakdown from having a good time knowing my mom is being cared for by strangers and care is what I hope is happening and not abuse or neglect.

I never married and will stay single forever. I hope my niece will care for me like you when the time comes because i will have no one. Funny how things turn out. Never in a million years would I ever envision this as my life.
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