Angry that my life is not mine.

My mother in law moved in with us 10 years ago. I have been married about 12 years so most of my marriage she has lived with us. She originally moved in due to physical health issues. Without going into all of her medical history she has had 2 small strokes and now is suffering with dementia. My mother died 11 years ago so when she needed to move in with us there was no question. I was lucky that she had been a nanny and I could go back to work. I lost my Dad to Alzheimer's last year. Although he was in a dementia unit I was his only caretaker and he died very quickly when I had him placed. His downward spiral was so rapid even Hospice said they had not seen anything like his symptoms. ANYHOW...My mother in laws personality has changed so badly since the strokes that I don't trust her to be alone by herself or with my children. She has nothing except one life insurance policy and one on my husband. When we saw the changes we contacted social services and we were instructed to pre-pay for her funeral. It barely does that. Then we were told to transfer it to my husband which we did. She has been hospitalized so many times between falling, stomach issues, breaking bones etc. I came into my marriage with two kids and had two with this husband. My mother in law HATES one of my kids and he is 14. She told him his father left him because everyone hates him. I have to work and when I come home she has done nothing now but sleep and cause chaos. Unlike my father who could afford to have the best treatment she will end up on medicaid eventually. Her GP said it is unsafe for her to be alone and needs to be in a full care facility. We had her evaluated and the county nurse and social worker agree she needs to be placed. However we transferred this policy (which we were instructed to do by a different count where we used to live) and now she won't be eligible for another couple of months. She won't eat (when I am not here). I can barely look at her for the things she says to my kids now and I keep telling myself it is dementia. I work all day and come home to her laying here doing NOTHING and it drives me insane. She refuses to go to adult day care, refuses to sit with us and talk to anyone except my dogs. If anyone that does not live here comes in she retreats to her bedroom or outside. She will leave her diapers laying around her room until the dogs rip them up. She tells me she has nothing to live for because she hurts and it infuriates me. My parents would have LOVED to live, loved their grandchildren. I had the warmest wonderful mother. My mother in law has never been that way with either my husband or kids. I have tried, I have given, I just can't take anymore. My husband is done and the kids tell me when she dies they are not going to her funeral. I am exhausted and feel like I am on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I have never even had one day alone in my home in 10 years. I have four boys 2 with chronic medical conditions and I have fibromyalgia and CFD. I know there are other caregivers out there that must feel like I do. Thank you for listening <3

Gentle huggsss. I have far more health issues than you and your kids put together. I managed to take care of GMA til it was too late. I am glad you have been taking care of your mother -in - law. I also used to work in the nursing home - most frequeently the Alz unit. Do you fully understand what happens to people with Alz or dementia? They slowly lose their mind. They don't know to pick up spoiled diapers. It gets to the point where they forget how to walk, talk.
On my Gma's good days she did exactly what you are going through, doesn't want to live with a dime. How would you feel you knew you were forgetting a lot but couldn't understand? I would on those days make it light and say "don't worry grandma it's just your forgetters working overtime. It happens to all of us."
You need a break, because your at the end of the ropes. Perhaps set a schedule with your husband to rotate days who takes care of her. Can you enlist other family to help you out? Like brothers or sisters? Friends? Don't tell her its an adult day care. Ask her if she wants to come with you. take her to the day care and just go for a visit with her. Let her make friends, like you would as a child.
If it works out, you can take her there

Btw, they don't have full sound of mind. You need to get power of attorney to make medical decisions as she gets worse if you haven't already.

We are here for you hon. You can talk it out all you want. The best thing is after awhile you will notice we all are like family.

Do you have any friends that can help?
You have to take care of yourself so you can take care of her. Can you and your husband rotate days on who takes care of her?

I know how hard that was for you with your father. I used to work in the nursing home. If I knew about the time to come in one of my patients, I'd be there. I even came in on my days off so they knew, especially the ones with no visiting family, they had people that cared. You know it is a true hard thing to do, is to be there. I found it extremely hard, but I did it as I have a "heart of gold" as one of the patients would say.

I, too, have fibromyalgia. There is a group on this site for that too here. I know the daily pain you go through, physically and emotionally. Can I ask where you are located? If you are near me, I will be glad to go over and give you a few hours of a break.

I took care of my Grandmother (Gma) 24/7 with dementia. She had her rare good days, but mostly bad. When she would hallucinate it was extremely sad. Perhaps that is why I took some comfort in when she passed, just earlier this year. She would think we were a meat factory - of children. With body parts here or there. It was awful. Once in awhile, on a good day, she'd half realize something was wrong and couldn't figure it out. She'd wonder what is wrong with her and why she can't remember. I'd just make light of it by saying "Its ok grandma. Its just your forgetters working overtime." She'd always laugh then say "Really?" I would say "Yes grandma, it happens to all of us, even me." She'd then say "I wonder why" I'd say "sometimes it just happens to the best of us. It can be from many things, not sleeping good, medications, headaches, needing a nap, so many things." She would be happy with that.

It sounds like she is in the beginning stages, but I am not a doctor. You can put her in obversation and have her watched for a few days, but that is really it.

Have you called senior services saying you need respite? They have a program where you are the one needing the care. They will give you X ammount of hours off a month and you can use them when you need to.

Dear Makinguscrazie,
I can SO relate and I do feel your pain, and I am very concerned about you and the enormous stress you are under. My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about 9 years ago and by the way, Alz is just a form of dementia. She became horribly depressed, which I learned is very common in dementia patients. Maybe that is why your MIL retreats and is so mean to your son? Depression and anxiety can cause people to lash out. I am not trying to excuse her behavior, just trying to help you. As you said, you tell yourself it's not her fault, she has dementia. I use to say the same thing, over and over and over again and yet, after a year of mom living here, I had to move her out, I became so very sick from what I went through emotionally watching her decline. Also my husband wasn't on board with her living here and I felt as if I was being torn.
I know how some people feel about skilled care facilities and how bad some can be but there is so much information out there, you can make a knowledgeable choice and the best thing you can do is make yourself known there. I realize you work and have children to care for, but once she is placed, maybe your husband can get over there, even if only for 15 to 30 minutes. If the staff know family is involved, believe me, your family member will be taken care of. My mom has been in assisted living now for 3-1/2 years and between my sisters (2) and myself, someone is there every single day. What has kept her in assisted living and not in skilled care is that we are there. We put her clean clothes out for the next day. We put her nightgown on her bed. We make sure the staff has everything they need to help care for mom. My mom can undress and dress herself, but there is no way she could find her clothes, even though she has a small bedroom with a full bath, she simply doesn't know where her clothes are.
In any case, just wanted you to know that yes, there are others like you out here that do understand.
Miriam

GRINS... Crazie, I fell down the flight of stairs (great for fibro)

There is a form that has "Mini strokes" in dementia. Sherry can you help me on that?


Crazie, take break! You need one.

Thanks Sherry! I had forgotten the name of it, but that is the one my Gma had before she passed.