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Moving Mom into an assisted living facility

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Alzheimer's Disease
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Posted 5/30/2011 4:22 PM (GMT 0)
Last August I brought mom from the east coast to live with us. I found a rental that would accommodate her and my four teenagers and we thought we would be able to stay here for three or four years. Our landlord recently let us know that he is going to sell his property and we have to be out. I will not be able to find another place to accommodate us again so I have been looking for an assisted living place for my mom. She has early onset Alzheimer's, is 65 and is still high functioning. I help her with her meds, food, and financials. She dresses herself and has no incontinence issues, helps around the house and does not wander ( she is too afraid to go out without us since she is not familiar with the area). The Assisted Living place I found is wonderful and feels like a community. I told her the other day I found an apartment for her to go and live in and she freaked out. Threatened to hang her self, said she absolutly will not go and tried to take off in her car but luckily my husband had already disconnected her battery. We did not get much sleep that night cuz we had no idea what she would do. She was up all night pacing, picking at her face and nails. I know she sis scared and we tried to reassure her that we are still going to there for her but nothing helped. The next day my husband tried to calm her again because she thought I was going to tie her up and send her to a sanitarium. He finally told her that is was still possible that she could come with us and that calmed her, so we have just left it at that.
We are scheduled to take a tour of the facility in a few days and I know she will not like but she has to go there. My questions are:
Should I put her in respite care and then move her stuff in?
Should I have her help me move her stuff?
I know that she will not go willing or easily, but how do I minimize the trauma for either one of us?
Thanks for any suggestions!
Carrie
Posted 5/31/2011 2:28 AM (GMT 0)
Hello Carrie, welcome to Healingwell. You're in a tough situation and I feel for you. It is never easy to move a loved one to assisted living, especially if they have Alzheimer's. They just don't understand and unfortunately they may never. However, you have to do what is best for everyone involved.

It is good you are taking her for a tour of the facility. To help with the transition, it may help to have her help with the moving. And emphasize repeatedly that this is the best for everyone. But also mention that you will be with her thru the whole process. It might also help to reassure her that you will be there to see her every chance you get.

When they move to unfamiliar surroundings, they get confused and scared - quite understandable! But it is VERY important for you to be there with her every chance. Visit several times a day, if you can at least until she feels comfortable or at ease. These facilities are designed to help ease the transition as well. I found that when I had to put my Gma in an assisted living center, that if I found one person that she liked - to have that person spend more one on one time with her, that it helped tremendously. Luckily it was the director of the facility.

It's going to be tough to put your mom thru this, but hopefully she will adjust quickly. But I can not emphasize enough that it is highly important that you see her every day until she is adequately adjusted.

Best wishes and I hope everything turns out okay.
Posted 6/4/2011 11:06 PM (GMT 0)
We moved my mom into assisted living two years ago and we were so stressed out about how she would react. We took her there for a visit and after being there for about 30 minutes and talking to the administrator, my mom turned to us and said "when can I move in?" She was so excited. Believe me, we NEVER expected that kind of response. She has been there two years and loves it. She feels very safe and happy (her words). She was diagnosed with Alz 8 years ago and continues to be high functioning...she is 89 years old. Fingers crossed that things go as well for your mom...it isn't easy...

Miriam

Posted 7/11/2011 11:18 PM (GMT 0)
Both my parents, in their eighties, are diagnosed with Alzheimer's. My mother was diagnosed first and wanted to go into assisted living almost immediately so she wouldn't be a burden to us. Since her balance was shaky and access to the house was poor, we agreed. She seems happy there.

My father would rather stay at home, but his incontinence issues are making it very difficult for me to care for him, even with disposables and pads. He's getting much worse about taking his medication and his personal care is poor, even with my help. I have a feeling the day is coming soon when he'll need to join Mom at the home. I wish I knew how to make this happen with the least distress to him. Apart from pointing out that Mom is there, I'm not sure how to handle it, so I understand your dilemma, Carrie. I could use a few suggestions myself!

Good luck!
Posted 7/12/2011 2:36 AM (GMT 0)
My heart goes out to you Stella. I'm sorry you have to make this decision. It's a rough and tough call.
Posted 7/12/2011 5:21 AM (GMT 0)
Thanks, Sherry. It is comforting to know people here understand. cry
Posted 7/12/2011 12:27 PM (GMT 0)
Stella, feel free to come back anytime with any concerns or questions you may have.
Posted 7/12/2011 1:26 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Stella; on each coast we have the same situation; Mom's are in the almost last stage of Alzheimer's and our Father's are of pretty sound mind, but bodies deteriorating. Both set's of parent's are still in their home with caregivers, but I think it's getting to the point where we all feel the situations are getting dangerous. I have done all I can to keep my parents in their home; alarm system, check on them daily, and caregivers. I too am looking for suggestions to make the transition easier, so I feel your pain. We cry almost every night when we start talking about our parents. These decisions aren't easy are they? I'm so glad I have others to talk to about it. Thanks for being here everyone!

Posted 8/18/2011 8:37 AM (GMT 0)
In few assisted facilities, if patient opts for private room,one of the family members can also stay with the patient.When I was planning to shift my father to hospice, my mom also decided to stay there with him.
Posted 8/24/2011 2:57 PM (GMT 0)
This is such a tough situation to be in.  MY mom had alzheimer's too and we did put her into an assistend living facility. The hardest part at first was convincing her that she could not live alone. She was leaving the toaster oven on all night and forgetting to turn off the stove. She would be driving in her car close to her neighborhood and forget where she was going. It was heartbreaking. I think the most important thing for you to do is to make your mom feel like she is part of the decision making process. Touring the place is a great idea. If she hates it, maybe you could look into some more places so she will feel like she has a choice about which place she goes to. Even if you've already done the leg work and  you know this place is best. She might need to see for herself. If she doesn't already realize that she needs extra help, then I would sit her down and talk to her about why your concerned for her welfare, either because of things that are occuring now or the reality of what will be happening as her health continues to decline. I also agree with peeps that you should visit as often as possible.
Posted 11/26/2012 9:15 PM (GMT 0)
I hope to never place my mom there, but in the end it may be a reality. She is still highly functioning and all, but some years down the road IDK. Time will tell.
I visited my grandmother for years at a facility, played the piano for her, but that far away look in her eyes, and not knowing who i was....
Some advances are being made in the field, and i hope in time that there will be some cure, or anything to help stop the progression. There are links to metals in water and such..and also genetic.
Posted 1/27/2013 1:30 PM (GMT 0)
Hello All,

I am a newbie, finally found a site and happy I did!

LOve the inspirational stories and support I am reading here and I thank

everyone for their input.

Quick question to see if anyone has dealt with this.

Jst placed my MIL 2 days ago to a "facility"

Told her it was temp, for phy rehab for her feet.

She is now starting to get "mean" to me, the one she has loved forever, and cld her own daughter. I am ok so far, and understanding its not her talkg,

Im wondering if Itchy, and numb feet are ever associated with AD?

She ws admitted to hosp last wk bc she ws in tears, complaing of painful feet,

numbness. Doc said its neuropathy,  Im wondering if it could be from

her AD, along with anxiety?

Thanks!

 

Posted 1/27/2013 3:42 PM (GMT 0)
I don't think I've heard of AD causing neuropathy. Has she had her vitamin levels checked recently? Is she diabetic?
Posted 1/29/2013 5:22 AM (GMT 0)
I usually don't post here, but in the Hepatisis forum. But I did have to put my 64 year old husband in a nursing home because he was in end stage liver failure and had confusion, forgetfulness from toxic buildup in the blood. Symptoms were much like alzheimers.

It was horrifiying to think about putting him in a NH, but I couldn't take care of him anymore. Before the day for him to move, I went and looked at the room and it looked so much like a hospital room I cringed. So the next morning, while he slept, I took most of his wall pictures, blankets, decorated pillows (exotic animals) and make the room look like his office/bedroom. On the outside room door, I put a collage of pictures of him and his life work (elephant trainer). He was so confused as we packed and drove there and when he got there and saw all his stuff, he just kind of melted into the room and smiled and said, "Here's my room."
All the pictures on the door (I blew them up into 12 X16 inch photos) were a drawing card for other residents and visitors to talk to him (or if he wasn't up to talking he would close his door but could hear people talk about his pictures). These are things that helped us make the transition easier. Plus, I went there about 2 x a day to visit. (It went so much smoother than I had ever imagined.)
Hope some of this is helpful as you struggle with such a difficult decision.
Angie1953
Posted 1/29/2013 1:27 PM (GMT 0)
Those are really good suggestions Angie...thanks for sharing :)

I'm sorry to hear about your husband, best wishes for you all.
Posted 2/15/2013 4:12 PM (GMT 0)

My family members just moved my mother with Alzheimer's into a facility.  I found out the day before they took her.  They had a non-family member take her and no one even told her she wasn't coming home - they told her she was going shopping. The facility says we should not call or visit my mother for a week.  I used to call my mother every day and just saw her a few days before this move.  She knew me.  My heart is breaking to not talk to her and how this move was made.  I live 4 hours away.  I have been talking to her aid every day to see how she is but I just get that she is "ok".  I feel I need to talk to my mother.  Does anyone agree with this rule of no contact for one week or am I just being selfish?

Posted 2/15/2013 4:29 PM (GMT 0)
What?? That's crazy! Who did you talk to that said you couldn't see her for a week?
Posted 2/15/2013 4:38 PM (GMT 0)
The owner of the facility. she said she wants my mother to bond with her staff and that is hard if fmaily members are present. i am heartsick. i am planning on a visit as soon as a week is up. but i desperately want to talk to her and hear in her voice that she is ok. if they disconnect her from me for a week will she even remember me? i want what is best for my mother but i am very confused what that is. i am heartsick...
Posted 2/15/2013 6:26 PM (GMT 0)
I've never ran into something like that. Normally they want family to come visit to help ease the transition. Sounds a bit fishy to me.
Posted 2/16/2013 2:53 AM (GMT 0)
Don't allow them to tear apart your family like that. For someone with cognitive issues, the worst thing that can happen is for the people that they know to disappear. You have rights here, please exercise them.
Posted 3/9/2013 9:35 PM (GMT 0)
Sorry but I think those of you advocating contact with loved ones just admitted to an Alzheimer's facility no matter the circumstances are wrong.

After two months of trying to home-care for my Alzheimer's diagnosed mother-in-law she was admitted to a wonderful facility last Wednesday. She is high functioning but left alone in her home, which is what she wants even now, she fell and cracked her pelvis. She will not accept "strangers" in her home and 24/7 care provided by family, which she hated, was stressing us all beyond endurance.

I'm not going into detail about her symptoms and behaviors but if you ask I'll answer. Suffice it to say that she has exhibited EVERY symptom you can think of from aggression to memory lapses to defiance to hiding things to locking us out to you name it! We tried our best to get and employ all of the information and suggestions we could find to no avail.

In any case, we took her to see the 15 bed private room facility beforehand and she liked it enough to say that she thought she should "put her name in." She also thought that she and her deceased husband had lived there at one time but that's another story. She has a phone with which she calls my wife almost daily to tell her everything from she thinks she's stealing her furniture (We moved her favorite chair, dresser and table into her private room and we have her newspaper delivered.) to wanting to go home, a home that when she was there she many times didn't recognize!

Contrary to what is said here we are NOT going to visit until,she acclimates a bit more. We're going to give it one to two weeks. We're comfortable with this.

In the final analysis each case is different. My mom died at 92 after ten years of dementia. She was similar but different than my mother-in-law. In the final analysis no matter what any advice given advocates, you have to do what YOU think is best for YOUR loved one and YOU! Remember, you count too!
Posted 5/2/2013 9:48 AM (GMT 0)
We had to face this difficult decision and, fortunately, it worked out really well. Mum thought she had gone on holiday to a lovely hotel. That's not to say that there weren't some sleepless nights along the way.
One thing that really helped me was a book called 'The Little Girl in the Radiator.' It was given to me by a lovely friend. It's written by an ordinary chap called Martin Slevin and is his account of looking after his mother after she got Alzheimer's. After all the dry and worthy books about dementia that I had read, it was a breath of fresh air. Funny, moving, easy to read and really helpful. It made me realise that all the feelings I was having were normal.
Best of luck Mountain Ed.
Posted 6/24/2013 4:08 PM (GMT 0)
Mountain Ed .......

I noticed this thread was started three weeks ago - but I just got onto HW 9-days ago - mostly for my Prostate Cancer - but two days ago, checked out the Alzheimers Disease section (for my Mothers severe dimentia).

My Mom has been in an Assisted Living place for 9-months now ... and that was after going for 15-months of living at home with 24/7 caregiver help. The placements (both of them) were doctor ordered.

While my Mother was not the most sociable in the old neighborhood - and somewhat of a "loner", her experience at this Home for Dimentia Care has been good. She loves the entertainment that comes in once or twice a week and the Bingo games several times a week. If there was anything that the home you are considering does, that might excite your Mother, it sounds like a good tactic to use to create a positive feeling after visiting the home.

Good luck ... keep any guilt at bay ... hope you find a place she loves!   

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