Need Advise Please

I see lots of symptoms of AD in your post. When my mother-in-law is really bad I try (and sometimes I fail) to remember that these are symptoms of a disease that mostly can not be helped. I have wanted to start a thread about symptoms (and when they start, and how long someone has had them) because the lists you find are not comprhensive enough, because people are so varied.

Her nasty temperment is a personality change. I have read and heard that the mean become sweet and the sweet become mean. I don't find this to be true in my mother-in-laws case. In her case the mean became meaner, but she will have a sweet day once in a great while.

Not taking her pills is a symptom. It goes along with "every one is trying to poisen me" You can take her pills to her twice a day and hope that your attention to her will be motivation to take them. But you can not force her, she is a human and has a right to her decisions, at least to a point. My mother-in-law hates her pills because there are side effects; the first ones made her throw up. The next ones give her diarreah. She hasn't quite figured out that the pill she takes at night, gives her the terrible morning diarreah. But when she does we will be off in search of a new pill.

Your Mom is not lazy (unless she has always been so) another symptom of AD is an inability to clean your house. I think partly it comes from being scattered and confused mentaly, partly from depression, partly from an 85 year old body that is tired and has arthritis. Getting someone in to do the housework was the best solution.

I have read that people with AD become afraid of water. I don't think this is always true. But I think the fear of slipping in the shower when you are alone in the house is probably a great concern. Also I think they get to a point where it is just too much trouble to shower. You can try saying "Today is Monday, you always take a shower on Monday. I don't want you to forget."

Not much of what I said probably helps, but I really liked reading your letter because I don't feel so alone in my own frustration.   When is it time to put people with a serious disease in a hospital? I asked this myself in a post only a week ago. I think I have found my answer.- Probably when you can no longer care for them yourself. Only you can decide when that is.................Inert

Thank you inert and howlyncat for you input, I do appreciate it. 

I too have 3 other siblings.  We live a state apart.  My older sister visits mom twice per year for a week at a time, the youngest sister visits once a year for less than 18 hours and my brother has no contact with mom. 

I moved my mother to my state 6 years ago after my father passed away because none of my siblings would find the time to help mom.  She never drove, never learned how to pay a bill, write a check, etc.  Mom was from the "old school" where the husband took care of everything.  My husband and I owned two businesses at the time and I had to tell mom that if she wanted me to continue to help her, that she'd have to move where I lived because I couldn't keep our businesses going when I would have to be away for months at a time at her home doing everything for her.  We built her a house on our property to live the rest of her life in. 

Now this was a very healthy woman of 80 who mowed 2 1/2 acres of grass per week, didn't believe in a dryer and hung her clothes to dry in the attic which she had to go up and down stairs to do this.  She chopped her own hedges, cleaned her own house, etc.  WHEN she found out that dad left her "well off" is when she became lazy.  She stopped doing everything...said, "why should I, I've done it all my life, I've got money and can pay to get things done." 

During her annual check up here, the Doctor said she is such a healthy person for her age.  No osteoperosis, no hardening of the arteries, lungs of a young child, all her blood work is 100%.  She has no arthritus except in 2 fingers.  She can run like the wind...motives quite well.  Bought herself an energetic Jack Russell dog for companionship. 

Then the beginning of this year, she started telling me that she saw bushes turn into bears, cars driving through a forrest where there isn't any road, and telling me she's seeing my deceased father standing in my yard during the day while I was at work.  That's when I took her in for evaluation.  Dr. says she's showing early signs of AD and perscribed Namenda which works wonderfully.  But, we needed to get her back into some type of normal routine which meant helping herself to an extent he said.  She refuses to do anything.  Says "money" can buy anything. 

I do notice a huge difference in her without the meds in her system.  She had no side affects from them.  She is now back her nasty manipulative attitude which I cannot cope with.  She has no hobbies whatsoever.  Won't even read a book or newspaper.  She will not get involved with a Senior center...says those places are for old people and she doesn't fit in.  She calls my friends conning them into taking her places without my knowledge, which I put a stop to.  I worry about the liability and responsibility part of them taking her anywhere. 

Frustrating?  Yes...it sure is.  I spoke with my older sister this morning and now I have second thoughts about her intervention.  You see, she's in bad healthy, a diebetic too, a person who admits to me that she too doesn't take her own meds when she's suppose to.  She says she's kind of like mom.

I don't know where this will all go after mom's Dr appt on Tuesday.  I'm trying to keep positive and things will improve. 

Dr and I talked about an assited living facility six months ago if mom didn't try to do more for herself. 

Thanks for letting me come here and vent in my posts.  I've looked around this forum and there is such wonderful support and advise here.  I will be checking out your resource links! 

Thanks again Howlyncat for your input and support!  (((Hugs)))

Again, I spoke with my older sister on Thursday re: mom and her AD.  (Sis is coming in Monday night and will go back home Saturday.)  I wished you had a pulling your hair out smiley to use (LOL) because I do beleive Sis is not going to accomplish a thing.  She does NOT want outside intervention (a visiting home worker) because she believes mom would be declared a ward of the state then.  Sis believes in the short time she'll be here, she'll be able to get mom to the scheduled Dr appt, get her back on meds and everything will be just fine.  I asked her..."What happens when you go back home then?"  Like I mentioned earlier, this sister only comes to visit twice a year for 6 days at a crack.  She will not stay longer than that because her coping skills are fried by weeks end.  (Not only is she a diabetic, she also takes paxil for depression.) 

I discussed all this with my husband, who is quite involved with my mothers care and I've come to the conclusion that after sis is finished doing what she believes will work, I'll have to do what is right!  I know my mother...she'll put on the "good" front and eat those pills until nobody is around for the immediate attention that week.

Another problem I have is the house cleaner I hired to just clean her house.  Without my knowledge, this woman has been loading my mother up in her vehicle after cleaning and taking her bumming!  Does this woman not understand the liability and respsonsibility of doing this?  I e-mailed this woman and told her this is to stop immediately.  Now, my mother is not speaking to me, nor will let me into her house!  I only hired this woman to clean, nothing else!

No matter how well my husband and I work at getting my mother back on track, with a stable schedule that she can adhere to, someone comes along and sets everything back.  Now...do I fire the housecleaner or let her stay and still have mom con her into a road trip?  This woman knows mom has AD and I also brought it to her attention she is off her meds.  I'm tired off everyone telling me my mother is "just fine," including my sisters!  The Dr and tests revealed AD, why is it they cannot understand mom is NOT alright?  This is why my sister wants to take mom to her Tuesday appt....to find out first hand what the health statis is on mom.  (Like I would lie?)  I think mom has worked her "behind the scenes" magic on these people, trying to make them believe "I'm" the one with the problem, not her.  She has always been a master at manipulation.

I reminded my sister of her last visit...how mom did those quirky things like saving in a huge jar all the used poutry timers, how she would not let her cook a thing in her home, teliing sis when she had to go to bed, when it rained...mom shut everything off in the house and handed my sister a flashlight, seeing things in the yard that are not there, saving every piece of junk mail which now a 8 drawer dresser is full to the max of, etc.  My sister laughed and said she just thought it was comical....what old people must do.  (I don't think so)

No, the other siblings will not involve themselves.  Afraid that they might end up with mom and be totally responsible for her like I am. All the younger sister is interested in is what she'll get after mom is gone!  She's already tried to get mom to give her $25,000 which I put a stop to.   

I am self employed and leave for work at 6am, return home at 3pm.  Administering meds to mom is not an option.  Mom keeps screaming at me that "I can have a life after she's dead."  No...I need my own life now, and I will not let her fall through the cracks and falsey believe what my sister thinks will work, will.  Yes, I do hope the Dr can give my sister a reality check and discuss the much needed options with her to deal with the situation I face.  My sister will not visit again until late June or July of next year now.

Thanks for all the links on AD too.  I've been reading them to learn more and more.  I guess it all boils down to....what intervention I can receive from the Dr and this sister for the help needed.

Howlyncat said...
Bump
Hope you are well Dogger
Lyn

Well, Sis has mom at the Drs right now.  Will be anxious to hear how they made out today.

No I don't have POA.  Mom is not ready to give that to anybody.  I'm sure it would be easier if I did. 

After a lengthy discussion with my husband, we agree with SnowyLynne that mom does need more than what she's getting now.  I just have to wait and see what comes from this Dr appt this morning before I proceed.

Thanks for all your support!