Posted 11/18/2007 2:48 AM (GMT 0)
Dear Lyn, Padraig, Linda and others,
Had a relatively problem-free 10 days after having lawyer negotiate for a visiting schedule with my husband that would mean his children and I would not cross paths.
Then hell broke loose. This included:
* A note in his ex-wife's printing) to "ASK FOR CHEQUE BOOK." This was Tuesday.
* When I visited my husband that same day about 12:30, he wasn't in his room, but I saw that mail had been delivered to him and left on his bed. The one envelope had the return address of our lawyer on it, and she had already told me she was sending him a copy of his will. I put the envelope on top of the other items that I had in a carry bag and left the bag open on the bed to remind me to deal with this first when my husband came back to his room. Then I went to the dining room thinking that my husband was just finishing his lunch. As I entered the dining room, I saw him coming towards me, and his eldest daughter was with him. I told my husband I would wait in the lobby until his daughter had finished her visit. They went down the hallway to his room. I sat behind a pillar, and as soon as I saw her leave, I went to my husband's room. The unopened letter from the lawyer was gone. I searched the entire room three times and couldn't find it. The said will appeared back in my husband's room after his son's unexpected and unusual evening visit of the same day. The envelope had been opened. All circumstantial, I know, but when I left my husband that day, my face was flaming with anger, and I know my blood pressure was sky-high. I went to work out at the YWCA, and the redness in my face didn't disappear for at least an hour. Since both my parents died from heart trouble, and my mother had had a number of strokes, I knew that this situation couldn't go on; it was now a danger to my health.
When I had phoned the lawyer to tell about about the missing will and then about the breaking of the visiting agreement by his family (blatantly and many times) she said, "Well, they didn't actually agree. When I told the son what you were willing to do, he said that he would talk it over with the family."
I went to see my new lawyer, a QC, on Thursday, armed with a copy of my husband's will at his request, and when I told him the latest, he said, "Whatever we might try to do legally at this point to stop their abuse will only cause you more grief than good in the long run. If they make a physical threat against you, then we could act quickly."
I said, "Then why don't I just opt out? Not visit him? I'll keep in touch with him by phone. I'll take him to the eye clinic for his cataract surgery on Tuesday and the follow-up visits, and I'll take him to the other medical and dental appointments, but I won't visit the facility again and put myself in line for his children's fire."
QC said, "That's a good idea. Let the boot be on the other foot."
It makes me sad, of course, not to visit my husband. I cry a lot. But sadness my body can handle better than anger - I'll soon be 78.
So there's a boring tale, boring in the fact that I think that all evil is boring. (I'm going Irish on you again.) I find goodness and enterprise and achievement interesting, but not this; this disgusts me.
In the past 10 months, my husband has written close to $85,000.00 in cheques to his children, and they are pressuring him for more. The new lawyer has shown me how to protect my husband's assets so that he can continue being cared for in this private facility.
So sorry I couldn't give you a more upbeat report, but this is the reality of the situation. It's too late for my husband to do anything to curb their abuse of me, and even if he tried, I don't think his children will change. Unfortunately, I have to accept the fact that no matter what I do, I am not going to change the dynamics of the family and that it is impossible to deal with people like this.
Mary