Mother in law with dementia and Alzheimer's

my mother in law has dementia/alzheimer's. i am losing my mind because she is driving me crazy! my husband and i have only been married for 2 1/2 years and his mom calls at least 20 times a day sometimes more. she lives alone since her husband passed a little over a year ago. the phone calls drive me insane and are putting a big strain on my marriage. she doesn't want anything when she call its always confused conversation like how did i get here? when am i leaving? who is coming to get me? she has lived in her house for 20 years and nobody is coming to get her. she needs to be in a facility like assisted living. we have home health care come there everyday from 10am-6pm but once they leave the phone calls begin! i cant take it much more and i am considering leaving my husband because it seems our marriage is all about his mom anymore and im so depressed and angry and i deserve to be happy. am i just being selfish and crazy myself? i don't know what to do can anyone please give me some advise or words of wisdom? is anyone else going through anything like this or similar?

thank you for your reply. she doesn't wander once the home care leaves. i have tried to talk to my husband about the phone calls but he always says what can i do? she doesnt have anyone else to call. i mean if it was just a couple phone calls then it wouldnt even be an issue but its a ridiculous amount of phone calls as long as she is awake. the other night she called the cops because she was scared. this isnt ok to me this is a big red flag she should be in assisted living. my husband is in such denial. she still has the keys to her car because he is too scared to take them from her a few months ago she went to target looking for her lung doctor and they had to call the police and my husband came to her rescue because the cop was gonna pink slip her but my husband took her home and assured them it will never happen again. i guess she has to kill herself or someone else before he realizes she needs 24 hr care. i do have have a hard time with patience. i guess 2 1/2 years into my marriage i just wasnt expecting this to happen. so it makes me sorta bitter because this wasnt what i dreamed about. i know things happen but why cant he see she needs more care than just 8 hrs a day.

he has a brother that took off to florida a few years ago and does not want to be bothered. they come from a small family so at this point its only she only has my husband. i dont see my husband putting her in assisted living anytime soon so im going to stick it out a few more weeks then i think im going to look for my own place. i have been dealing with this for over a year now and im only 32 years old with a 13 year old daughter who deserves to have a mom who is happy and not sad and angry all the time. im crying right now because i have been with my husband for nine years total and i hate for it to end this way but i just dont think there is any other way. my mother in law is 75 she could live another 10-20 years im not going to give up that much of my life being sad and angry.

I don't have experience with this kind of situation but here are my thoughts anyway: First, I think she needs round the clock care for her safety as well as for others. Maybe a visit to her doctor will be necessary for a request for this. Is she covered by Medicare or Medicaid, some sort of insurance? You will need to check with what services are available to her in your area. Ask your doctor's office for references in your town/city for where your husband should call. You must have a sit-down talk with your husband. He needs a wake-up call to this situation. I understand a reluctance for putting a parent in a facility but he needs to understand that his mother is scared and perhaps not in control of what she says or does and that she might be a danger to herself. Find a family counselor through insurance, city services or your church and have some sessions with your husband attending. All of this if for the sake of your marriage and for the well-being of everyone, not only his mother but of your own child.

Yes, it is rough on a marriage. My husband's mother just passed from dementia and heart issues, so we had my father, mother, and his mother. He supported me through the tough times in dealing with my parents, and I supported him when he was back in Philly for over three weeks. Trust me, as you'll see in another post from me, I was feeling the same way; I just wanted my life back. So I totally understand how you are feeling -- I haven't had a vacation in years and we are just starting to return to a normal life. It's tough to take care of elderly parents especially when they have dementia, and you are trying to work and hold your own life together. I agree with Kitt, please get a social worker or someone to do an assessment.

I thought having my Mom in a facility would be the key too; and she definitely is much better off where she is -- that is a fact. But because she has a phone in her room, and is confused all the time, she doesn't realize what time it is, if she just called my sisters/brother, or what's going on. That is the reason for her numerous calls at all hours to them. I keep thinking they just need to take the phone out, but they think it's her lifeline...but she has staff members right outside of her door for any help she needs. So I hear you. Your husband is probably scared too. The person that raised him is no longer the responsible person she once was, and it's tough. Now he has to be the caretaker.

Call a local agency or take the info off the web about caretaking and the responsibilities. Go to lunch at a couple of the memory care facilities -- knowledge is power. And also, his Mom is lonesome and scared. Sometimes I try to put myself into my Mom's shoes and wonder what it feels like to start losing your memory and not knowing where you are. The whole thing is so difficult! Just keep talking -- it's good for me as well!

Here's an idea.......


There are telephones that are for alheimers and dementa patients.... its where the phone recieves incoming calls only, and there is no outgoing calls.

www.alzstore.com its called a "dial-less phone"

you can do those teddy bear cameras and have it linked to your computer.


Considering you have home care already for her, I'm sure you can get round the clock home care. And some adjsutments around the house liek the dial less phone, you and yoru hubby can agree he will call her say every 3 to 4 hours and the convo can last up to 30 minutes. That way, shes not calling you as much, she can't call the cops.

CHildproof doors, stove, fridge, microwave, etc.

And I hate to say this, but she's either in the middle or last stage of AZ.. which means, she will pass on within the next few years. Why deprive your husband of what little time he is going to have left? And I would really think about this... do you really love your husband? You are considering leaving him over a mother in law that has a medical condition to where she doesnt have a right frame of mind. Do you what AZ and dementia does? It litterly takes your brain and reverses it in time to where a person is a baby again. They stop walking, talking, lucky to eat, so on. It will get to the point where she will have no clue what so ever who your husband is or you.
Yes it is straining on any relationship, but no my significant other never at least once considering leaving me because he understood what what happening and realized it was only a time left. No, your mother in law will not live another 10 to 20 years. It seems she is in the middle or last stage of AZ. If its the last stage, you'd be lucky to have 3 years.

I'm sorry if I seem harsh, but I want to you look at it from what is actually happening. It seems you dont understand AZ fully. Yes she needs help, but so do you if you are actually considering leaving your husband over a family member. I did 24/7 care, only time I got off was 3 hours a week until I was able to get respite for 3 times a month. Now that is straining. How would you feel if you were your mother in law? How would you like it knowing somethings wrong with you but you have no clue. How would you like the hallucinations? My GMA's hallucinations was our house being a children's meat factory where I'd murder kids and have their heads laying around the house while I grind their bodies for meat. Sorry Sherry but that was her hallucations (now you know why I'd be crying so much here)

Examine yourself and get the help you, mother in law and husband needs. Someone has to be the strong head.

Sorry Sherry you knew this was gonna come out

well someone called adult protective services about my mother in law wandering at night. my husband doesnt believe she does this and that the neighbors are making it up so he is not going to put her in an assisted living yet he is still going to keep her at her house with home health care only coming 10am-6pm m-f the 11-3 on sat and sun. i know all about alzheimers i am a nurse. its just that i have never had to deal with it outside of work. and the reason i think of leaving my husband is because his mom needs more care than just 8 hrs a day and he is in denial about it. so i just take things one day at a time and hope he makes the right decision soon

If your MIL is classified as a vulnerable adult and your husband is responsible for her then by not addressing her personal safety he may fall into the category of committing abuse by neglect. Neglect is defined as the refusal or failure to fulfill any part of a person's obligations or duties to an elder. Her safety is not only important between the hours of 10am-6pm but all the hours in a day.

Federal and most state laws require that licensed healthcare professionals report suspected elder abuse, usually to an adult protective services (APS) agency.

I am wondering what adult protective services has had to say re your MIL if they have already been notified by another person.

Kindly,

Kitt

Great point Sherry. It is extremely difficult for adult children to make a decision to put a parent in a home as it is the end of an era for both the parent and the child. Your husband's Mother will no longer be living in her own home where she has been happy as well as your husband wants so badly to not be the "one" to take away her home that he is truly lost and needs support in making the right decision.

Don't give up on any of you.

Kindly,

Kitt

Awwww Smurfy,

I am good and thanks for the "huggles". My "stkitt" user name stands for St. Kitt - one of the most beautiful places I have ever had the good fortunate to travel to.

However I do have one big ole snuggly adorable cat named Marty Cat. My granddaughter who is 8 has a kitty named "Lollipop-drop-tootsiepop-snowshoe". She calls her kitty Tootsie for short.

Sorry folks a bit OT.

However another good selling point for Memory Care Settings is they often have pet therapy available. From what I have heard many of the residents love to see the pets.

Huggles,

Kitt

omg how did you do that skittt?? all I do is click "pose reply" and wirte and it wont leet me change bold or colo

Oh god can I relate!! maybe my story will make u feel like ur situation isn't so bad (not that I am trying to dismiss ur valid issue). I LIVE with my mother-in-law!!! At least u don't have to answer the phone which I stopped doin poor to moving in with fiance. Be thankful u don't live with.her b/c that will definitely break up ur marriage. My MIL calls me names, wakes me up constantly to beaten and accuse me of losing her things, starts an argument with me the second I come home from work, starts beating me with questions the moment I wake up in the morning. And those are on her "good" days. Honestly, it seems like she purposely messes with me. On top of that she now refuses to where her hearing aids so I have to yell to tell her anything. That is fun in the morning. So, I would gladly switch places with you. Try not to answer all calls. She will eventually not call as much.