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Posted 4/23/2008 1:59 PM (GMT 0)

Hey Honey Bee,

How are you doing?  If you have time stop in and let us know as we are here for you.
Kitt

Posted 4/23/2008 2:46 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Honey Bee,   How is day going so far?  Where I at (New Hampshire), it's absolutely gorgeous - 70 degrees and it's not even 11:00am yet - I love it!!  The snow is gone and I can see stuff growing in my gardens.   I too love the fact that there are so much honesty in the members' stories that they are willing to share.  It really makes us (at least me) feel like we aren't alone in how we feel and what we are going through.  Having supportive friends and/or family is also helpful.  I absolutely love coming to this site and am so happy that I found it because everyone is so supportive and helpful.  I really like the fact that there is no judgement from anyone, just help and support.   When you have a chance, let us know how things are going.  Remember that we are here to help.   Take care, Wen
Posted 4/23/2008 9:29 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Honey Bee!

I know today was the day you were moving into a new palce. I hope that's gone all right for you. Maybe the busy-ness of unpacking and arranging can help to distract you a bit, even though it does bring sadness as well.

Please let us know how you're doing when you get a chance. We're on your side!

percycat
Posted 4/24/2008 1:41 PM (GMT 0)
Hi to everyone, again you are, you are so kind to have remembered and be thinking about me.

I am actually moving out in the morning (I am in Australia so it is late evening here at the moment). I have gradually been getting more and more freaked out, nervous and panicky in the past few days and in the end I went back to the doctor as I really felt I needed something which was going to relax me short time, I was still waking up feeling really bad, shaking, agitated and just could not get my head into a good space and calm down which is v scary. Unfortunately the first doc I saw, who was very nice and prescribed Dothep has gone to the US for 3 weeks on a training course so I had to go to someone else new. However, when I saw them I did have a bit of a cry and explained how hard I was finding it to cope and he prescribed me Xanax which actually I felt very relieved about .

I know the anti-depressant hopefully will work but at this stage it is a longer term drug and I felt I needed something I could 'pop' if it got really bad which it has this week. I am so relieved to have this, and think that maybe the security of knowing I can take it if needed may mean that I will be able to cope better and might not if that makes sense to anyone! To be honest I really cannot understand why none of the other docs I have visited have never given me anything like drug i.e. valium etc. as I have told them I am not depressed it is just the anxiety and panic attacks I need help with. I am a little scared of taking the Xanax as I took one last night and I woke up feeling pretty like I was drunk and a bit dizzy and spaced out but the doc said this should go in a few days so fingers crossed. I have seen many people on here take Xanax so any positive feedback in terms of whether it has helped them would be great to hear.

I am going to be sharing with someone but unfortunately she is going to be away for the next 3 days as it is a long weekend here so I am feeling pretty scared about the whole thing (I know that is a little pathetic when I am a grown woman but have never lived on my own as went straight to my husbands house from my parents at 17). It would be quite happy to work for the next 3 days just to keep my mind wandering as at the moment I cannot just sit and feel comfortable with my self and my feelings.

Anyway, I am feeling pretty drowsy with the Xanax and Dothep and am hoping my ADSL is up so will try and get it sorted and post again in a day or so.

Thanks you again for your comments, I am going to try them and hope you are all doing well today and take care.

BIG HUGS :-)

Honey Bee
Posted 4/24/2008 2:40 PM (GMT 0)

Pathetic you are not.  Be good to yourself, you have been and are going through a lot.  Many Doctors now days will try you on the antidepressants as the new ones are suppose to cover anxiety too.  However with the long lag time before some of them kick in I am glad you got the Xanax.

If your feeling a little to drugged try 1/2 your Xanax dose and see how that goes.

You are making a big step here and I too would be afraid, you are human but you have an inner strength so pull that up and use it.  It will serve you well.

All is good here in USA.  We will be waiting to hear from you.  Special Hugs to you.

Kitt

Posted 4/24/2008 11:50 PM (GMT 0)
Honey Bee,

I'm sending lots of prayers and good thoughts your way while you go through moving into your new place. I understand that you're feeling very nervous and probably also sad about the move, but you will get through not just the process of moving, but the adjustment to a more independent living arrangement.

While your housemate is away is actually a good time to try to organize your own things so that you can feel like you're "home," and not just living out of a suitcase. I know you've had some very caring friends to stay with, but now even though you won't have their nearness to comfort you, you will instead have a sense of place that belongs to you. I think that having some kind of physical location that's grounding can help toward reestablishing our mental grounding. I sure hope it works out that way for you.

I'm glad you were able to see a stand-in doctor and get some medication that will help you get over these next few sporadic hurdles. I've taken xanax occasionally for nasty little peaks in my anxiety, like when I have to fly, and it's worked pretty well. I prefer ativan because it works a little faster, and if I remember right, I had to cut the xanax pills in half because they did make me drowsy. That was the only down side, if you can even call it that. I've certainly gotten drowsy from ativan as well.

Be extra gentle and patient with yourself while you're going through this new adjustment period, and remember that we're all here for you.

Looking forward to hearing how you're doing when you get internet service again,

Hugs,
percycat
Posted 4/26/2008 6:34 AM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone

Thanks again for caring about me and how I am doing, I was so pleased to log on this afternoon (Aus time) and find that you had posted and remembered my move that is so sweet and make a big difference. I am feeling a little bit proud as I managed to sort getting my ADSL up and running on my own with just a bit of help from tech support. So used to my hubbie doing all these technical things so it was good to do it myself!

Well, I moved into my new house yesterday morning, my friends were up at 7.30 a.m. getting me going, taking my bed down as it is their spare and they were buying a new one so I bought if off them cheaply. Tried not to think that they were trying to get me out asap, but I think (and hope) it was their way of helping me just get up and start the move without thinking too much about it.

I had taken the Xanax for the first time on Thursday and then another 1mg tablet on Friday so woke up feeling a little woosy and slightly spaced out again which was a bit strange but I would much rather have this than the total fear and panic I have been feeling at the moment. I was nervous still once they had helped put my bed together and left me early morning I spent the day putting my stuff away, cleaning, shopping etc. It is the silly little things that stress you out, I spent 30 mins trying to get a new lamp to work, thought the bulb wasn't in/had broken and then discovered that the double adaptor plug I had used was not working - ggggrrrr :)

I am not sure how many of you believe in fate and that some things come together for a reason but the Japanese girl I am sharing with (found her via an ad in the paper) moved from the same city as me at the same time, works in the same hospital as me (there are several in my city here) and actually is working in the next room in the x-ray dpt. Speaking to her yesterday at work she also lived 10 mins from me in Brisbane and also went to the same dance class that I was going to go to - again there are 10+ to choose from. I have moved 20 hours drive away to a new city and we meet to share a house together! I am not saying we are going to be best buddies as I think she will only stay until her contract runs out in 9 months but it is a good start I think.

I had planned to go into work today to fill some time and catch up so took another 1mg Xanax before bed, went to sleep okay but woke up late in a bit of a start. I am sure you know that feeling when you wake up but your brain hasn't quite caught up so you are not sure where you are, what day it is, what you are supposed to be doing etc!! Had to jump up very quickly, get ready and out of the house to get there still a little spaced out driving. I don't want to jinx anything with the Xanax but I am hoping it will work and at the moment I am more than happy to swap the drowsy feeling for the high panic and anxiety so we will see. Again, I am quite upset that none of the other docs I have been to over the years have ever given me anything like this for the short term/immediate feelings. If it works like some of you say it is worth its weight in gold. I also know about Ativan as my hubbie takes it occasionally. What was funny the other day is that I was cleaning out my handbag and found some of his Ativan (does make my hubbie feel a little drowsy as well but definately takes the 'edge' of the feelings) and also Seroquel, was tempted to take it but thought better not and better to go and get my own prescription :)

I am trying to take the advice of several of you to live in the moment but I find my mind wanders and I start thinking about the future. Tomorrow I have no plans in terms of meeting people to break up the day so am already thinking about that (silly me I know) so will see how it goes. I think I may take a big breath and go shopping for a few nice things like candles etc. to try and make the place a little more homely.

Sorry again for the long post, I always mean to keep it brief but don't think it is in my nature to do that. If the Xanax works for me it will be a total lifesaver and maybe I will feel how other 'normal' people do. Don't like taking meds but at this moment in my life I don't care if it means it gets me through it. A couple more questions if you don't mind, firstly I am finding my short term memory (even as close as yesterday and today) is not good at the moment, have any of you experienced this, is it the drugs or the stress or maybe a combination of everything. Secondly the doctor scared me a little when he was talking about the Xanax, is it addictive, damaging to your body long term etc. I don't want to look it up on the web as I think that can scare you more!

Anyway, thanks again for coming back to see how I am and hope you are all doing well and I am sending positive thoughts your way.

Big hugs to all

Honey Bee
xxx

Post Edited (Honey Bee) : 4/26/2008 12:38:31 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 4/26/2008 2:41 PM (GMT 0)
Honey Bee,

Bravo to you for getting through yesterday in such style! And my theory about those annoying things like fussing over your lamp is that they happen just to distract us. I know when I'm aggravated over some household task that's gone haywire that I then get too wrapped up in trying to fix it to feel anxious or depressed at the time.

That's something about your housemate having so many locations in common with you.

I'm glad you got out to work yesterday, and I'm very glad that the xanax is helping. Others will know a lot more about it, but I haven't heard that it's damaging to your body. Being addictive is another thing, but I've heard that's more in terms of sometimes needing to increase the dosage to achieve the same effect and also of having withdrawal symptoms from stopping. By that reasoning, though, Paxil is highly addictive for me, because when I miss taking it for more than 36 hours, I start getting very frustrating withdrawal symptoms. Being addicted to functioning more like a normal person is fine by me.

I hope you're able to find some activity to keep your mind busy tomorrow. Shopping for little homey touches sounds great. I'm also a huge fan of just hanging out in book stores. Do you have any major book chains in Australia?

Take care. Lots of hugs,

percycat
Posted 4/27/2008 2:18 PM (GMT 0)

Honey Bee,

I am so proud of you, your doing it..............whooooooo hoooooo.  Yes the coincidence of your new housemate having so many things in common with you is uncanny.  As you say she may only be there for another 9 months so enjoy her while she is there and then know she may move on.  That is ok, life is always changing.

I am so glad you did not take husbands drugs, Send them back to him.  Are benzo's addictive, if you end up taking them for a long time you could become dependent on them or addicted to them but I have sucessfully weaned down my use of Valium from 40 mg per day to 4 mg per day.  I worke with my Pdoc and it took 9 months as we went very slowly and I did not suffer any side effects.  Everyone is different and will react to the meds in their own way.

Try not to overanalyze or judge situations that upset you. Minimize the drama in your life. Yes be in the moment when you mind starts to wander toward the unknowns of the future and it causes your anxietyto rise.

Planning ahead for your future is good if your feeling ok with it and it is not stressing you but if you start to panic then pull yourself back to the now.  One day at a time for awhile is my best advice and know you have friends here that will support you and care for you.

Hugs

Kitt

Posted 4/27/2008 3:22 PM (GMT 0)
WAY
To go ..I am so proud of you
All have given great input as per usual...........

OF course we would be coming to check in on you
YOU are part of this "family" and thats the whole point of the "Family" atmosphere and support system we have all come to know

Keep up the great work hun.
REMEMBER we are always here for you

Luvs
LYN
Posted 4/28/2008 12:08 PM (GMT 0)
Hi all, it is so great to feel part of a family who 'gets me' and doesn't judge.

Thanks for replying. I did not feel at all good yesterday (Sunday), it is typical with the anxiety and depression that just when you feel a little more in control of things it sneaks back up on you :). I went to bed feeling not too bad on Sat night, took my meds and then woke up this morning feeling anxious again. I forced myself up though and went down to the squash club to just have a knock around with my friend and another family they play with for a couple of hours. However, they all went off to do their own thing for the rest of the day and I ended up feeling pretty awful and panicky, I am sure you know that feeling when you it seems to be overpowering you. In the end I called my hubbie which was a v bad idea on my part as we ended up having a big argument which just made us both feel worse!! I popped another half a Xanax, however the afternoon seemed to drag on and on.

I think with me it is because I don't really currently like weekends currently anyway, everyone else seems to be doing lots of fun things and I currently feel like I have the rest of the day, hours and hours stretching out in front of me with noone to turn to or comfort me. My husband is a 2 hour flight away as I have mentioned before and is with his new girlfriend and having a fun weekend (in our home) and I feel totally miserable up here on my own with noone really. I don't want to rely on 'hanging on' to my friends too much as don't want to take advantage of them, also they have their own family life to get on with. Although they haven't said it to me I think they are frustrated with why I am scared/hesitant to do things/ and be on my own as they have absolutely no concept of how it feels to live like this. Don't get me wrong at all they are beautiful caring people but very tough and independent when it comes to things like this.

At this moment in time I want to be back in my comfort zone i.e, I just want my 'old' life back, house, cats, hubbie and cannot seem to move on mentally. It has been 7 weeks since we split after 22 yrs together should I be in a better place by now, I am feeling v confused as I think everyone around me (hubbie included which is very hurtful) seems to think it is a long time and I should be well and truly getting on but to me it still feels so new?

But I am really trying to do my best and trying to take it day by day. I am 'putting myself out there' and was chatting to one of the girls at work and am hoping to volunteer for an organisation that helps and rehabilitates injured native Aussie wildlife like possums, fruit bats, small mammals etc. I am a huge animal lover and it is the one thing at the moment that I think I could feel good about and enjoy, I love caring for animals so hope to go to their next open day in a couple of weeks. She said they are always needing people to help so I am keen to get involved if possible.

You are all so kind and keeping me going at the moment and I hope to offer help and advice to others in this forum at some stage. Thanks again to all you wonderful understanding people and hope this doesn't sound like I am feeling too sorry for myself :) Gosh, reading this again it does sound like I am feeling sorry for myself!! :)

Big hugs and thinking happy positive thoughts to you all.

Honey Bee :-)

Another long post guys I am incapable of keeping things short and sweet :-)

Post Edited (Honey Bee) : 4/28/2008 6:26:08 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 4/28/2008 2:22 PM (GMT 0)

Honey Bee

7 weeks out is just a short time, you have experienced a great loss in your life after 22 years.  You are grieving for that loss and calling him was a human response to try to retrieve what you lost by having contact with your ex. Let it go and put it in the past.  Don't beat ourself up over the call.

This is a new and raw wound for you. I can totally understand the feeling of being alone and single is  difficult after being part of a couple for all those years.  You do notice that people go off with their families and go to gatherings while you work out what you are going to do.

It sounds to me like you are working through it, kudos for considering volunteering as that can put you in contact with people and give you purpose as well as voluteering is rewarding.

Take care and please know we are here.  Keep posting.
Hugs

Kitt

Posted 4/28/2008 2:36 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Honey Bee (btw - I like that name),   I agree with Kitt all the way - 7 weeks is just a very short time of not being with someone after having been with him for so many years.  Give yourself a break and stop beating yourself up; you don't deserve to do that to yourself.  As Kitt said, in order to help you get through things you need to move on, but do this in baby steps because that's what it's going to take.  I've been through a divorce (wasn't married nearly as long as you) and it's a very tough thing to go through, no matter how long you were together.  Try to have some time with your friends, maybe girls night out, go to the movies with a friend, hobbies, etc.  Anything to keep occupied.   I think you volunteering is a wonderful idea and since you are an animal lover, that's a great place for you to volunteer.  It will be rewarding for you and make you feel as though you are contributing.   Remember, we are here to help and support you so keep posting and stop feeling like you are being sorry for yourself because you aren't.  You are just going through a very tough time right now.  ONLY, and only when you are able, will you be able to give advice and support to others, right now you're the one who needs the support.  We don't expect anything else from you.   Take care and lots of ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) to you, Wen
Posted 4/29/2008 12:29 AM (GMT 0)
Honey Bee,

Hang in there and be proud of those baby steps, like going to the gym even though you were getting anxious. I agree with Kitt and Wen that 7 weeks is actually a short time in regard to a 22-year marriage. Be gentle and patient with yourself and know that it's going to take a while before you feel in control of your life again. If others try to pressure you into "getting over it" faster, do your best to ignore the pressures. Grieving doesn't fit a schedule, no matter how convenient it might be if it did. And just my two cents, but hubby probably wants you to get over it quickly so that he doesn't feel so guilty for so long.

It sounds like you're setting in motion a lot of things that will help you to recover. I'm a huge animal lover as well, and I can't imagine much that would be more therapeutic than helping out with rescued wildlife. Since your weekends are so rough right now, is the volunteering something you could do on the weekends? Or is there another kind of regular activity that you could start up that would give you something new to think about on the weekends?

Keep taking it day by day as you said. The rest will come in time.

Hugs,
percycat
Posted 4/29/2008 3:40 AM (GMT 0)
i didnt get really far in your first post before i was over ridden with sadness for you:( You're SOOOO strong and brave. What you describe would destroy me and the fact that you're are coming on here and sharing says a lot about your character. I've never been through what you are going through, but i can imagine the feeling. I hope that you try and be kind to yourself. It really is scary to be alone, but your friends live close by and maybe you can think of it as a place to put your stuff and sleep. Hopefully you can sorta ween yourself out of your friends place, and maybe you can invite them over or something.

You mentioned you had a bad day on Sunday. I wrote a thread about a year ago about weekends. A Lot of us have really hard times on the weekends. So hang in there! You got some great support here.

best.
dan
Posted 4/29/2008 1:52 PM (GMT 0)
I am hoping you do start to feel your strength and your bravery to continue on ...
I am really proud of you and the fact that you dont give up

Find some things for YOU to do that you will enjoy
Have you tried going out to meet someone who shares same interest ...not for emotional relationship but a friendship basis type thing
YOU are great IMHO and I think you could make friends very easily'I know from experience it isnt easy
I too got self retired from Nursing and sold my Retirement home due to so many outbreaks and anxiety and panic.....as well as Crohns.
I use to never fell like I belonged anywhere and was alwasy so self concious
I have learnt thru CBT and thru the friends I have met oin here I am WORTHY and I am a good person......sure I ahve some flaws who doesnt but dont beat self up over them
As said "Live in the Now"
I really like that saying and try to practice all the time............
My man works aftoons so he is gone from 2 pm till 1:30 in the am and sleeps til almost time to go to work again .I have a teen daughter who has all kinds of friends and needs to be a teen and have fun so I am literally alone all the time except on wknds...........IT is not easy at all.I get so down and out cry and not let them know

I do wish for you peace and happiness along this journey
Know we are here for you .......always..........LYN



**Good to see ya back Dananxiety**
LYN
Posted 5/9/2008 11:21 PM (GMT 0)
Hi guys

Haven't updated my own story for a little while but have been reading here most days and posted on a couple of other people's threads.

I am having a really bad couple of days currently and my anxiety is through the roof, along with some depression I am feeling like I cannot bear it this morning and don't know how to find the strength to cope and fight it.

I went to see my new doc on Thursday who had prescribed me the anti-depressant initially which was an appointment already set up previously. He had been away for 3 weeks and in the meantime I think I mentioned I had to go another docs a couple of weeks ago as my anxiety had got worse. They had prescribed me Xanax on top of the AD which I had been taking on a night before bed. Well that had been helping as I was going straight to sleep and although feeling a bit dopey sometimes and out of it it was better than the constant rise and fall of panic and anxiety during the day. I had also stopped waking up at 5.00 a.m. restless and feeling uneasy. I wasn't good but it was better than now and felt I could at least cope with the days more. This was the first time I have ever taken anything like this.

Well when I went to see him on Thursday he was fine about me having to see someone else in his absence but did not want me to continue the Xanax as he wanted to give me something a bit 'safer' (his words) instead so he prescribed me some valium. I stopped the 1mg of Xanax on Friday eve as he said and took 2 mg of Valium instead. Since then in the past day and a half I have felt awful. I could not sleep properly Friday and last night and just feel so anxious, shaky, panicky. It usually subsides as the day progresses and by evening I can often feel a lot calmer. However, yesterday did not do this, last night was the same and this morning I am feeling really scared now that I am never going to feel better.

Also, feel sick partly due to the anxiety and partly the meds. I am wondering if it is the withdrawal from the Xanax that is making things worse but he did not mention that I would feel bad switching (I am new to the meds even though have suffered from these things for 30+ years). I thought the Valium was quick acting as well and would have kicked in by now but it doesn't seem to be working. I have taken 3 since last night and don't feel better. I just feel trapped with these thoughts, cannot face the day, when I get anxious I also get a bit agoraphobic as I am worried about having a panic attack when out so this is not helping. I feel like I am crumbling, worried I am going to end up having a nervous breakdown etc. you know all these thoughts go through your mind when you cannot cope. Just posting helps a little and hopefully some of you can share your experience advice with switching the meds and make me feel like I am not going crazy and will feel better at some point. When you feel like this every minute seems like an hour.

Thanks guys.

Honey Bee
Posted 5/10/2008 4:37 AM (GMT 0)

Honey Bee,

I do believe we are in the same boat right now............you have described how I feel too.  One thing just leads to the next and like you, I am afraid to go out alone in public as I am afraid I will just have a major meltdown and they will send me to the ER that I used to be the manager of and how awful that would be. It would surely feel like I had lost all and I know the staff would be talking about me and how sad I had turned out. 

The approximate equivalancy dosing chart my Pdoc uses  calculates Xanax 1 mg = Valium 20 mg. Valium is slower acting but has a longer duration in your system.  I am not a professional but perhaps you are having some withdrawal from the change of med and the lower dose of Valium.

As both meds are benzodiazpines I am not sure why your Physician feels the Xanax is not good if it was working for you?

I understand the horrrible feeling of not being able to sleep and the waking up early with impending doom hanging over you. Try the deep breathing and self talk.  You will be ok, just keep telling yourself that.

You are not alone but I do want you to get better so please keep telling yourself you will be alright and please get back to your physician and rediscuss your anxiety with him.  Do not be afraid to let him see how bad your feeling. 

Remember to use self talk  to recognise unhelpful self-critical thoughts and to challenge your put-downs. You are a wonderful person and hold your head up high.  This will get better so know I am with you in thoughts and in prayers.  I am here for you to support you and keep posting.

Take care my friend,
Kitt

Posted 5/10/2008 5:03 AM (GMT 0)
Thank you Kitt for posting a reply so quickly.

I feel a little annoyed at my doc in a way as he did not even warn me about any withdrawal but I think you could be right in that aspect. He just talked about switching the meds as if it would have no impact at all. Had I known I would have probably raised a few questions. Not sure why but he did not like the Xanax. I cannot say I was feeling great on the Xanax but know now that it was helping in some ways.

I did actually call them yesterday and he called me back late afternoon. This is very unlike me but I felt so bad I thought what the hell I need help at the moment and am going to have to get it where I can. It was nice that he called back though. We did not go into too much but I did make sure he knew how I was feeling. He told me to double the dose of my valium which I did last night but no better today, fingers crossed though it will start to work. I thought that the benzos were actually very fast acting, when people talk about valium it is like they pop one and then 5 mins later feel better. Not sure what timeframe the valium works on so would be good to know. I have taken another one as well today and still no massive change.

Thanks again Kitt for your support it does mean a lot and I will keep posting about me and can hopefully help others as well.

Take care of yourself in the meantime.

Hugs

Honey Bee
x
Posted 5/11/2008 1:18 AM (GMT 0)
Honey Bee,

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time with your meds right now. I've never taken vlium, but have occasinally taken xanax, and it did seem to work quickly for me. I didn't care for the xanax as much as ativan, though, because it didn't seem knock my anxiety down as much as ativan did/does. I guess that just proves that we do all react to different meds differently, even when they're all benzos.

Were you able to go to that rugby game you mentioned? Spending comfortable time with friends is a good idea as you adjust to your new living arrangements, so I really hope you felt able to go. If not, there will always be other opportunities, so be patient with yourself. If you don't have enough energy to fight adjusting to your meds, your anxiety, and the big changes in your living situation all at once, that's okay, because that's a lot of big stuff going on. Take just one step at a time, and think about how far you've come already.

Love and hugs,
percycat
Posted 5/11/2008 8:53 AM (GMT 0)
Hi percycat

Thank you for responding and your supportive words, they are appreciated. I really feel I am going backwards not forwards at the moment. Felt truly awful Friday, Saturday, bit better Sat night as I did force myself to go out with my friends and then went back to their house to play pool. I have been reading Kitt's posts both here and on depression forum and how she is feeling describes me exactly at the moment. I do not feel comfortable anywhere, mornings are awful and by night time I sometimes feel better but it takes all day to get to this state which is a little frustrating. I also feel panicky about going out as well at the moment, especially on my own as scared of the anxiety and panic getting worse, so feeling trapped and uncomfortable.

But on the big plus side my new house mate has been really lovely with me this weekend. I have only known her a couple of weeks but discovered through chatting that she is on meds and has been for a long time as she suffers from depression and has some very very dark days and has been hospitalized once before. She has only had anxiety a couple of times but does have an understanding as how really bad you can feel that others who do not suffer from these type of things have. So she supported me yesterday which I thought was amazing even though we have only just met but I think we have a lot in common.

Went out for a picnic to the beach with her lovely dog today. I pushed myself to go and it was a nice afternoon. We are going to watch a funny movie tonight as well. It is amazing sometimes that she has appeared in my life just at this time. I am very wary of burdening her with my issues at the moment as she did not 'sign up for that' but I am doing my best to be positive. It is not like I want to feel like this and am doing everything not to, it scares me that I feel like I cannot control it at the moment.

I don't really feel like the valium has made any difference yet and have been taking it for 3 days, thought it would have been helping by now but I might be wrong. My hubbie who I have recently split from (as you will know from this thread I think) takes Ativan and has found it works well for him (he is Bipolar I and takes Seroquel as well currently although has tried lots and lots of meds without success so I know how hard it can be to find one that works). I asked the doc about Ativan but he was not keen to give me that either.

Any news on your cat yet? I have been thinking about you and praying that she just appears one day on your doorstep as they have a habit of doing.

Big Hugs

Honey Bee

Post Edited (Honey Bee) : 5/11/2008 2:58:29 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/11/2008 11:43 PM (GMT 0)

Honey Bee,

I was wondering about Percy's cat too. I hope the kitty has come home.

There are many benzos to pick from.  Klonopin is the fastest acting if I remember correctly and is often used to stop a panic attack but it is short acting.  I took Ativan for a long time but eventually was up to 4 mg at bed time for sleep.  That is a big dose but I seem to tolerate larger doses where as others will say .5mg of Ativan knocks them goofy.

I was really in my meltdown stage when I was on that high dose and still working, if I did not get to sleep I was one step from an ER, my own.........very scary at the time.

I was switched to the Valium to try to keep my level of coverage more evened out. Please remember hun, you are going through one of the toughest times of your life and be you own best advocate.  Be honest and upfront with the Physician.  You are the patient and you deserve to be listened to and receive help.

I am so proud of you for going on a picnic, how grand that was for both you and the pooch.

I am also happy that your new house mate has an understanding of anxiety.  In my opinion where there is Depression there is anxiety.  The two seem to go hand in hand. 

I am working on getting back up and did much better today..........actually left the house for a drive with my hubby and stopped at my daughters.

It is the love and caring from the members of HW that have helped me refocus and I do not want to stay like this so I have to get out and do it.

This is the first day of the rest of my life.

Hugs to you my dear friend.  Take care and keep posting.

Luvs
Kitt

Posted 5/12/2008 12:20 AM (GMT 0)
Honey Bee, you will be in my prayers. I feel for you, and have been in some of the places you have been. My ex husband left me for a man, with no warning, and broke my heart. I was alone (with no car) for the first time in my life and had a job making very little money.

I'm not sure where you are in Australia, but I have 2 American friends living there and one Aussie friend. They would all love you.

We are here for you and we care. Feel free to email me anytime.

God bless you!
Posted 5/12/2008 11:58 AM (GMT 0)
Hi again

KITT - thanks again for 'looking in on me' it is so great to log on and see that people have posted replies. Thank you for the info on the benzos, I have to say I am a little concerned now about the addiction side of things and also even if the valium works whether my body will get use to it and it will wear off over time. At the moment I am just hoping it starts to make me feel more 'evened out' as you say. That is most of what we sufferers want just to feel calmer and able to face things on a daily basis. I hate waking up and not knowing how I am going to feel, it is really like you are not in control of your own feelings, it can be scary as I know you have found it. I still don't understand how I can go to bed quite late feeling fairly calm and then wake up just a few hours later back in major anxiety and panic mode. It has always been like this for me, mornings much worse and then usual gradual improvement during the day.

Don't worry about me being honest and upfront with my physician, I am well past that stage and am more keen to get some help than be embarrassed or hide anything, I just need to feel better and able to cope with life currently.

Picnic was nice, felt a bit panicky going out but got over it and we sat with our little dog and had a picnic then took her for a walk on the beach and big splash in the sea. She got totally over excited and splashed around and soaked us both but it was a nice afternoon.

I have my next big challenge now though (to me anyway). My housemate is going away from Friday am to Monday evening so I am going to be on my own. I feel ridiculous that I am already starting to panic about how I am going to feel and deal with this which obviously just escalates the anxiety and gets you into a vicious circle but I am thinking that if I am on my own and feel like I did just this past weekend I do not know how I am going to cope. That is pretty pathetic I know, this doesn't bother most people and feel weak that I am worrying about it already. I have been asked to go out with people at work on Friday and then am actually planning on going to an open Day for a local Wildlife charity that rescues small Aussie mammals and birds. Helping animals is actually one of the few things I think at the moment I would really enjoy, I found out about it from talking to someone at work who was heavily involved. It can involve anything from nursing orphaned babies and injured animals and birds to helping out at their clinic, admin work, fundraising etc. I want to get involved but it also involves me finding and driving out to the open Day on my own on Sunday and meeting strangers which is a little scary, but I think it would be very rewarding if I could help in some way. I know others have suggested something like volunteering to you. I have not done it before but am quite keen to get involved in something animal related as I am a big animal lover. I was going to do it at the RSPCA but at the moment I do not think I could deal with the amount of animals they put down here so think it could be too upsetting, whereas I think the rescue charity is a little more positive currently.

I booked on a 7 week meditation course a few weeks ago and it starts tomorrow night so I am looking forward to that. It is a couple of hours and involves some others things apart from pure meditation so should be good. It is run by the docs I am currently seeing. I also spoke to the doc about starting some form of counselling but he wants me to get a bit more 'stable' on the meds before I start that. I haven't had any form of counselling before even during the 22 year stint with my bipolar hubbie so still unsure/have no experience of how helpful this might be but am open to giving it a go.

I am so pleased that you got out of the house with your hubbie and saw your daughter, it sounds like you are making progress slowly. Again, as you tell others, take small steps and don't beat yourself up about things. Keep us updated as to how you are, I am following your progress as well.

GREHOUND - Thank you for posting and the prayers, your experiences really made me sad for you but you sound like it is in the past and hopefully you are all the better and stronger for it now - I am hoping so as this is what people keep telling me about my situation that it will make me stronger in the long run. Don't believe it at all yet but am hoping it is going to happen to me as well. How did you do it, it sounds very brave?

I am originally from the UK but emigrated to Australia 5 years ago without ever visiting before and now have citizenship. I live in Queensland and love Australia but apart from my recently separated Hubbie do not have any family here and just a couple of friends.

Any thoughts and advice on how I can stop these thoughts escalating in the next few days and keep me calm over the weekend would be more than appreciated.

Thanks again and take care.

Big Hugs

Honey Bee

Post Edited (Honey Bee) : 5/12/2008 6:10:42 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 5/13/2008 8:00 AM (GMT 0)
Honey Bee,

I think you're off to a good start for dealing with the coming weekend. Planning some activities that you'll be thinking about will help you stay a little more grounded, even though you may still feel nervous. The wildlife rescue sounds like a wonderful idea, and even though you'll be meeting new people for the first time, they will all have a very important thing in common with you: love and concern for animals. Try to think about how great it will be to talk with other people who understand that and value it. I'll bet you come home feeling happy and refreshed, with positive anticipation about beginning your volunteer work. And seeing adorable baby animals -- oh, what a treat! They're so snuggly and cute, especially all the little furries that are unique to Australia. I envy you!

Try to view the weekend with anticipatory pleasure rather than anticipatory anxiety. That's a topic my therapist and I just got into last week, and I hadn't realized how critical it is to be able to look forward to something in a happy way. It really changes your outlook, at least for a while.

Remember those deep breaths, and maybe try a few long, hot baths during the week and weekend to relax your body and mind a bit.

Love and hugs,
percycat
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