Bad anxiety rising

Hey All.

I have tried to deal with this on my own as so many here have really huge issues and I should be fine.  I have a good life............I have HW.  

For the last few months I have found it more and more difficult to carry out even the most ordinary daily activities. I wake up in the monring and the anxiety is right there, I try to just get up and tell the anxiety to take a dive but I can feel it intensify and soon I am in tears because I don't want to be this way anymore.  I have dealt with it for 28 years and I want it to go away and leave me alone.

I hate the tears as I feel like the biggest loser I know.  How can this be me? I sit here and cry because I have no friends and no where to go. I blame that on myself and my weakness.

I am afraid to go out even thow I write my goals, I end up the day feeling like I lost another day in my life.

I can deal with the IBS, and the GERD and the disc herniation pain, the severe osteoarthritis in my right hand but the anxiety and pain are destroying me.  I feel so emotionally drained and the pain and lonliness from this anxiety are pushing me down.  I am losing hope.

I am in tears. 

Please, help me.

Kitt

Dear Kitt..You are one of the most amazing people here at HW..actually I am a big fan of yours You give fantastic advice - things I would never have thought of...

Seems to me that you are being way too hard on yourself..sheesh..from reading your post it seems that you are spending a lot of time 'fighting' anxiety instead of maybe 'accepting' it and jumping into your little boat and floating on past it

You will be fine Kitt I promise..I have dealt with anxiety just as long as you aaaargh and we both know you can't go back to First Base coz we have already been there..We have skills..and we sometimes forget ('er hmm') - how clever we are, eh?

Small steps and you will be feeling better in no time

Keep us posted - and yes there are gonna be times when I need a 'pick me up too' lol.

Hugz Maree

Thank you all, I am really trying and practicing what I preach, but I am a mess.  I took a nap with my dog.  I know I have a tendency to set high standards for myself and I am my own worse enemy.  Just hate this feeling.

Maree, yes babysteps it is.  I will take babysteps.  The worse part is not having any friends, they were all connencted to my work and when I retired they kept on going.

Tony you too are right, bad is never permanent. And Percy, thank you, you are a kind and generous person.  Your words are uplifting.

Panic queen, I feel like I am the dowager queen of panic.  Thank you for your support.  I will make it, I just need to know someone is out there willing to give me a hand.

Kitt

Kitt, you are NOT a loser!!!

Your an amazing woman who has helped soooooo many in the forum.

Sometimes when we set high standards for ourselves that can bring anxiety on in a big way.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Do you think maybe your meds should be increased?

How about a visit with the doc?

You have friends here!

Don't forget how much everyone cares about you.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Good Luck Sweetheart!

Hugs

Mary

Kitt

You have so many friends on here and are a wonderful caring person. I totally get everything you have said particularly when it comes to having to 'be needed'. Until 2 months ago I had spent the last 22 years looking after my bipolar hubbie which actually although others thought I had had a hard life with him I often saw it as a positive as I enjoyed caring for him and trying to help. This is one of the main reasons why I am feeling like you at the moment, lost lonely and useless and don't know what to do with myself. I think when you have spent a long time looking out and after others you lose an element of who you are maybe - well that is the case with me anyway. It is your natural response to feel like this when you have no outlet for caring like you did so please give yourself a break!

If you are a care giver helping others makes you feel better and it is no wonder you are feeling like this now. It is a shame that a lot of us don't live closer together (I am in Australia) as I am sure we could all be great friends in person but at least you have the huge positive from being such a positive member of this forum and you do look after so many here.

Your exact words could have been written by me in this thread so please know there are people who totally understand how you feel and would never judge you for it. You did not ask for this condition remember. It is very hard for family and friends to understand when they have absolutely no concept of what it feels like (unless of course they suffer from it). You have to continually talk to yourself to continue doing things like driving down the highway that other people have no concept of how hard this can be. I have not been out of the house today but am building up and talking myself into meeting some friends to watch a rugby game this evening.

Hope you are feeling better.

Honey Bee

Ahhh sweet Kitt I just want you to know how much I love you. You helped me move thru my anticipatory anxiety and to be a little stronger. You my sweet friend, have many many friends here at Healingwell. You are always there with a kind word for all and how I wish I could be close by you to show you, you are not alone. (((BIG HUGS))) to you, I know what an amazing woman you are, and I am sending prayers that God gives you His peace and helps you move thru this anxiety you are suffering.

I think you should look at volunteering at a local hospital. I think that would be a perfect fit for you.

God Bless you,
Gail *Nanners*

(((Kitt))) Sometimes it can be so hard to practice what we preach, lol! I'm good at caring for others, but not great when it comes to caring for myself. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you, and sending big hugs your way. It WILL get better. Blessings, Julie

Kitt,

Gentle hugs to you.  We can all relate to how you are feeling.  I also understand the needing to be needed feelings.  I live alone and have very few friends.  I, like you, am a caretaker kind of personality and that is part of what makes me ME.  If that part isn't being used, I feel useless and lonely too.  Since you are now retired, have you ever thought of doing any volunteer work at a hospital or nursing home or pediatric ward?  Give you a reason to get up and force yourself to get going each morning and the rewards are beyond measure.  I have not yet retired, but I do volunteer work at the hospital where I work and find it helpful as I am helping others and it takes my focus away from myself and my problems for at least a short while.  My favorite is reading to the elderly though at the nursing home or just going in and listening to them tell stories about their lives.  I am not forcing any opinions or telling you what to do.  Believe me, every morning is a struggle for me.  As soon as my eyes open, my heart starts pounding and the overwhelming fatigue kicks in and all I want to do is stay in bed.  It really is baby steps and one small adjustment at a time.

You are a truly inspiring person on this site and have helped me thru so much.  Please know that you are wanted and NEEDED here very much and we love you.

Hi friend. Many hugs to you. It's been awhile. I just wanted you to know that I think of you. You are a very caring person that has so much compassion for everyone that comes into your life. You are truly a blessing to everyone you touch.

Thinking of you and wishing you are feeling better on this Mother's Day.

Wow you are all so supportive and reminding me I do not have to be perfect and that I am needed is such a joy to hear.  I am my worse enemy at times and I can't get stuck on the merry-go-round of anxiety and not know why.

I know volunteering is a good idea and I did look online at a couple of ideas.  Each of you is inspiring with your sharing of how you cope that it makes me realize I am not alone in this.

Thank you is such a small way to tell you how much I appreciate you, all of you. I am doing better thanks to the love I feel when I come hear and read these posts.  Many hugs and blessings to you.

Kitt

Hey Dan,

You are excellent yourself you know with the support you give to the members and with your sharing.  I am always glad to see you on the boards.  I appreciate your special comments and I am moving forward again.

No more hiding out,  I will go slow but I will never give up and I hope I can always help the members including you with anything you need.

Hugs to you.
Kitt

Dear Kitt,

Hi! I looked for you & here I found you! I think it's a blessing I read your thread here; because YOU have just helped ME the past few days after I got out of the hospital...so maybe I can give YOU some crutches to lean on now.

 

We're similar in feelings.  When I went looney tunes in the hospital I went on such a rant n' rave of how I felt inside that it poured out soooo fast my aunt & sister had NO IDEA it was so bad.

 

I defined myself by what I was able to do.  My identity was & my soul was in my work.  So much of WHO I AM laid within WHAT I DID...and I took pride in my work, education, body, etc...

 

And then to have it all just STOP?  What does one do with that?!? It's like being in mourning.  I thought I was coping just fine in trying to adjust to being ill, becoming disabled, not being able to no longer work...but in reality, I'm having A LOT of trouble handling having a disability & coping with life now. 

It took a nervous breakdown to do it!  But I think it's good that we realize that "hey...this ain't easy!"

 

I have to learn NOT TO BE ASHAMED of myself, I have to learn that I AM NOT WORTHLESS & USELESS...and I have to ask for help to get there.

 

I guess what I"m trying to say is that I really feel like I know exactly what you're feeling.

 

You'll find your way through this.

 

erin

andwes,

I remember you and I thank you so much for your support and you are right, having support and remembering that it will get bettter has gotten me through this bad spell. I have had 2 good days now and I will continue to move forawrd and not look back. 

I will slay the dragons as I meet them and do my best to keep the anxiety at bay.  I also will let myself feel, and know that I will have some bad times but try not to let the anxiety cause me to freeze up and become so afraid.

Erin.K,

I could write a book on the discoveries I have made about how much my retirement has taken ahold of my depression and dumped me so low but I have come to terms now with a lot of those feelings.  They do creep back in when I am feeling down but I know I wear many caps and I am still a nurse even thow I am now retired from hospital/ER nursing.  It took me a long time to figure out what I was so very sad about as people say retirement are the golden years and I was only finding rust.

I set my  expectations of retirement way to high.  I am learning now to not rush through the years but slow down and appreciate what I have. One of the best things I have is HealingWell.

Thank you so much for your support.

peacesoul

We live in a small town and as I worked in the community for so many years my fear centers around running into people who will ask me how I am enjoying my retirement and what have I been doing?  I have to pretend that I am fine when inside I am so sad and  fighting to hold on to the tears and not breakdown in public.  I tell them I am enjoying my retirement. I even will go down a different aisle in the store if I see someone I don't want to visit with due to anxiety.

I start to feel anxious at the thought of leaving my house and going where I may run into people I know.

I do fine on a trip as no one knows me or knows how I had a major meltdown so no questions that I have to put on a happy face to answer.

I have driven home in tears after seeing someone I used to work with and I feel like an outsider now.  I know I own the problem and it is not anyone being mean or nasty, they are just being friendly.

I have made some great strides in getting past the anxiety and I am learning to accept myself the way I am and only learn from each episode of anxiety.

Hugs to all of you
Kitt