Today..... I need some strength......(long story)

What I didn't expect is that my DH is at his "wits end" with the whole "issue" of me and my 'problems'......

I thought he was in my corner.  I thought he would put up with me through this whole ordeal---and actually, thought I was getting better everyday (physically and mentally).  Then, last week---we got in this huge argument about nothing....everything.  But, mostly it's about ME!

DH is very athletic....very good shape.... very active.  I used to be---until this whole 'back issue" started.  Now, it's come to head.

DH feels that I am self-centered.  He thinks that all I do is fixate (sp) on MY problems.  He thinks that I am a fake----the person he married is not the person I really am----and if he would've "known"----well.............maybe he wouldn't have stuck around.

He's concerned b/c we're not as intimate as we used to be..........he takes offense to that. Not that I have three small kids around and can barely stand, sit or lay down some days----but, hey......'be ready in a second's notice---huh?"

DH's defense when we get in these arguments is to put the 'wall up' and pretty much 'punish' me for a few weeks---pick on me, put me down, not even give me a hug....... pretty much withdrawl. 

I am so humiliated and am now feeling shaky and very unsure of myself.  He is away on business right now---and I feel a little peaceful.  When he is home, I feel like I am walking on eggshells----and very nervous I am going to make the wrong move----do the wrong thing.......the house won't be clean enough, dinner won't be 'nutritious' enough, and it puts me on 'edge' and very shaky.

I have suggested that maybe we go and talk with someone about our issues---his feelings---he said "NO" b/c we have spent enough time going to therapy, specialists, acupuncturists, PT and chiropractor for the both of us.....

So, what am I to do?  He comes home tomorrow---and I am dreading it!!!!  I feel like a kid------growing up in my "hyper critical" home (which I did grow up in a very "perfectionist" home)-------I am ashamed this is all happening with me (my back issues and panic)----but, I rely on him to be my rock!  Why can't I be a rock through times like this?

I have known DH since for almost 25 years (high school friends)!  We have gone through ALOT------and I always think we get through these things stronger than ever.  But---I am starting to feel that he doesn't anymore......

I am so bummed today------I feel like if he leaves me---what am I going to do?  I haven't worked in 10+ years (raising kids)---no money.  Won't be able to get a job b/c of my health issues---I don't think he will leave me though----he's had plenty of times where he could've walked out---within the last 12 years---but, hasn't.....I am praying he doesn't........and he probably won't---

The other night, when we were fighting---- I had a panic attack---  he did help me through it---but, I felt totally ashamed afterward.  I haven't had a panic attack in over a year!

Am I making sense?  I feel like I just threw-up a lot of thoughts! 

Any help is appreciated........this is rough!

I feel so incredibly guilty when I read what you all are going through---and I feel that my problems are so freakin' trivial........

GUILT is a HUGE issue for me----I feel guilty about everything----I guess that is why this whole deal is a BIG deal for me!  The failure!  SIGH! 

Thanks for being willing to hold me up when you all have so much more going on with your lives. 

I can only pray for all of us to get through these times.........

Laurel