| * lil One Knows this is what I went thru or most of it as you can see this is one of the reasons we are so close and she is like a daughter to me *
I was 9 yrs old at the time both parents drank and our house was party central
All the onus was on me for caring for my lil brothers and wee babe of a sister............I had to clean up the beer bottles and shot glasses and glasses with half booze left in them every morning before going to school
My interest was piqued
WHY did they do this and why did it make them all either laugh and carry on having a great old time ,letting us kids do whatever and then other times I had to step in and break mom and dad up from beating one another senseless seeing blood running down her face .....
My first recollection was at this age of gettting such a " buzz and such ENERGY " from this
I would finish the leftover beer and drink the other booze this made me feel like Super sister or Mom in my situation I could handle it all I became obsessive with everything and the drinking continued everyday even with me going to school
At first it was just in the mornings and then I would have enormous energy to get the house spotless ( didnt want to let mom down) and have the kids lunches ready and get them off to school ........
I would the go brush teeth and head out myself to school where I was well liked by kids and teachers
NO ONE SUSPECTED...........NO one asked ........Not even my best friend
I started going home at lunch drinking a beer or a half to get me thru and then again I would have another after supper so I had the energy to keep up with school work the boys and a baby sister as well
It was my responsibilty to make sure all the work was done and the kids looked after Hell it was easy AS long as I had a little bit of booze in me
By the time I was 11 I was drinking vodka not supposed to be able to smell it ...(not true ) and I was drinking a quart a day just to get thru I would wake up fuzzy headed and go for the bottle under my mattress get up and start my day all over I was a A student and everyone thought I was " the PERFECT daughter and role model " if they only knew
I could not go a day without drinking I craved it I thought about it constanly I would refill the vodka bottle with some water but I am sure now my parents knew but nothing was said
I went from vodka to the cheap wine Triple XXX only 2 bucks a big bottle and that would get me thru a couple of days with the odd shot on the side .........
I HAD TO BE PERFECT FOR MOM .........I thought this was the way .....WRONG,in hindsight
Then the drugs came with the booze that was shortlived as I liked the feeling of the booze better
At 13 I met my sweetheart Rick and we both drank all the time I still was the momma to kids and became caretakers of parents would come home and blood would be from one end of house to other
I remember Mom making us pack up our clothes in a plastic bags at least once a week and leave only to return in a day
My mother was working but doing a work that I did not like and she thought I wasnt aware I was believe me she would get dressed up and go out come home and get into a hot tub and CRY for the longest time
One dress I remember in particular a soon as she put that on I knew she was going to meet men
I dont disrespect mom for this at all and no one judge her please SHE did what she did for us kids .......thats all I will go into on that too painful
By this time I was partying just as much as parents but still at school and still able to keep grades up and look after kids ........
My 14th birhtday party was raided and many of us were charged with underage drinking ......instead of getting me help my parents basically PINNED a Ribbon to my chest welcoming me to the " Drinkers Club"
After that I was allowed to drink at home in front of them and smoke cigs as well
I thought my life was going places the only place it was going was down the bottle or in the toilet constanly hungover and feeling like Chit all the time but of course I still had the " daughter of the yr Personna " it is so easy to fool yourself and for the booze to be your best friend ......your only friend ......and your most evil friend ever......
I had Rick he was the LOVE of my life we shared everything he knew about my childhoood we had no secrets and he was allowed to drink and stay at house
Thru this time him and dad became best buddies they celebrated St. Patricks Day together one a Catholic Irishman One a Protestant EVERY YEAR
I thought I had the world by the kahoonas ......the bottle had me at 15 fully totally and without any shame unless hungover and pitying self ....which didnt last as soon as I had a few I was fine
One day that sticks out is I had no vodka nothing but leftover beer bottles most empty in my haste and panic to GET that drink I swallowed down a small amount of beer with a BIG ole cig butt in it .......Just lovely and puked my guts out ......never stopped me ...........I finally graduated to the BIG times Whisky and Rum
Fast forward to 16 I found self waking up in a drunk tank at jail smelling the stench of urine and not even remembering how I got there my biggest worry was getting out and getting a drink and a cig ........
Parents thought it was funny WAS IT ??
I became the " Life" of parties and ppl would make sure I was never w/o a drink BUT they did not put it to my lips I DID.........
Rick and I finally moved in together at a young age and I continued to drink and I was the " wife and home body keeping everything perfect as long as I had that booze I had it made ( SO I thought)
I became preggars at 19/20 and had a beautiful son pefect in everyway yet I drank and smoked all thru pregnancy ...........I would argue with Rick and be hell to live with if I didnt have my fix and so he would get it
Things were ok but not perfect we still loved one another but we became ppl that didnt know one another sober thats not a way to live ....
I tried to stop for him and for son Rick Jr and for my new baby Larry.......I could not ........IT WASNT FOR ME:BIG DIFF
I had a stint with the Childrens Aid and sons taken for a week but I got them back LUCKILY that time
Booze can make your tongue smooth as silk and twisted as the devil himself IMO
My parents continued to drink siblings always came to me with problems not them I was over whelmed all the time so it seemed but I could never be anything but perfect this is where my OCD started to really kick Butt with me ....
Nothing had to be outta place or I felt outta control I still do to a certain extent
The drinking became a noose or anchor around my neck it made me embarrassed I would never go to same beer store or liquor store more than once a week didnt matter if I had to travel a few miles to go to another I did .......
Near this time I was tired tired of the sneaking tired of the taste tired of it all
I nearly lost Rick Sr to health serious health issues in 76 but he made medical history he had an abcess on brain and had to have whole inner ear removed leaving him a different but still very loving person
Him having one drink was like you having 4 ........
FAST FORWARDSt Patricks Day 1979
Rick and I woke and I gave him his cards and present we were going to Mom n dads after he worked for a couple of hours
During this time I got the boys ready they were 4 and 2 at this time and beautiful smart kids that loved their parents but we were drowning in the booze like my parents did I was living it all over again.........
It was a Beautiful Saturday Morning we drove to Port Stanley in out new Toyota Celica ( just got brand new a week before) and then we all said our hellos and I took kids to beach with ( booze on a thermos..Cant leave home w/o it ya know
Dad n Rick went to bar as per the norm for this holiday .........
At 4 pm they ame back Rick said he had to go back to work we fought and I woulnt give him the keys finally I got fed up with the fighting ......threw keys at him and I said "DONT: come crying to me if anything happens "
5:45 that night he was killed in a car accident 15 minutes from me ....I never knew till almost 9pm
I had to bury my sweetheart, my life the only man I had thought I could ever love.........
They say you have to hit bottom .....this was my bottom.....I had lost him
There was 2 good things that came out of his dying that day ( please dont take that wrong)
My dad quit drinking cold turkey on the 18th of March 1979 as did I ...........I still send him ( dad) cards although now he doesnt understand what they are for to mark this occasion
Mom never stopped drinking and my life went from having a husband and 2 kids to being w/o and losing boys to his brother for a bit because of mental health and drying out and I had to really hang up and dry out
AA saved my life at this point ........
I had to change friends because those that didnt " get it" didnt care whether I drank or not it wasnt their hubby it wasnt their kids k
FACE it if the dont want to see you sober THEY ARE NOT FRIENDS
Would you hand your friend a loaded gun with safety off when they say hm I am gonna shoot self and bloody mean it
NOOOO.........
I had to be my friend first and formost I had to relearn who LYN was and what Lyn was all about the good the bad and the ugly .......I got me a sponsor at AA and I was on my way I found it alot easier than I thought but I had reasons besides myself although I had to want need and GET help.........I had to do this for my boys as well .........
and for Ricks memory
I finally got the kahoonas to tell my story at the meetings and 99% of time I would break down but there you are not judged at all they have walked where I have they have /had been in worse places I could even begin to imagine .......I felt like I had come home and was finally being heard .........I still have my sponsor from then today I talk to her all the time ......it is my honest opinion that you need a same sex sponser at first as you are too emotionally defunct and raw and will fall short ......sometimes .......
Moving on yes I have relapsed I am not perfect and I have dearly paid with my self worth and my buddy the toilet ........I havent relapsed in YRS thanks To my inner Spirituality and my need to be sober and my sponser ....my friend
I would still go and get Moms booze that was not good as I posted above I finally had to quit
I can and never will be able to be a social drinker.......
Caits dad was and died an alcoholic at 43 I use to literally cringe when I heard the ice cubes go into glass and I would take her and hide in bedroom I became the subservient woman afraid of own shadow ........
BUT after a couple yrs of that crap I decided it was time I left for me and more for her
I am a stronger person today for all I have gone thru I lost one son he passed away the other son we are okay but not close like Cait and I
I have given all I have to her and to peolple when I was nursing .......I felt I owed it to them to give the real empathetic me
The hardest thing and most ironic thing to have happened was MOM passing away 27 yrs to the day I buried Rick.......March 20 2006
Do I think it is coincidence or fate I myself believe it is a reminder to keep it together for me for my daughter and to maybe help someone out there if only stop them for a day .......
I have skirted a few things these memories and bringing forth all this has ripped open wounds but I feel better for whatever reason
Maybe Twiggy cus I know you are strong and you too Megs I wish I had had someone intervene LONGG before all this happend most times and then other times I feel I would not be the SURVIVOR I am today and believe me I am ..as I said at beginning if I loose respect so be it if I gain I am glad this is me raw open and wounded but I am forever on my path to HEALING
I hope this does help someone and you's especially
My name is LYN and I am an ALCOHOLIC
Recovering but still.......I am whats I am
Luvs ta all
I HAD to copy and paste as this was locked long ago and I truly think it may help someone
Sis in Sobriety......LYN |