Relationship making anxiety worse

Hello,

I have had anxiety for all of my life, to varying degrees. Usually it revolves around social situations. Nowadays, I can teach classes, or do public speaking with pleasure, but a family event, like the one happening this reunion, or an event at my son's school like a pot-luck, sends me into panic overdrive.

I've been reading a lot about anxiety and panic today, because my mother was really desperate for me to go to the family reunion this weekend. She said she felt she would die shortly after the event if I wasn't there, and that my not being there ruined the whole event, and many more such intense things.

I started doing a lot of research today so I could send her some links and maybe she could understand that I am not doing this on purpose. At the same time, I feel terrible to be triggering some big emotional reaction in her because of my panic reaction! Whose needs are greater???

Anyway, the anxiety and panic are becoming more and more common since I got involved with my SO a year and a half ago. Turns out that he is a person who needs to escape when he is feeling stressed or depressed. He goes off with friends and disappears. Maybe just a few hours, or maybe for an entire evening or even overnight sometimes. (I know he's not cheating, but can't explain here).

Even if he goes to the corner store for cigarettes and then disappears for an hour or two, I can go into a deep panic - fearing he is abandoning me, or that he is cheating, or that he doesn't love me and prefers anyone and everyone over me. It has gotten increasingly worse - although his behavior has actually improved. It is worse now because I have an instant reaction to just hearing his keys or seeing him put his shoes on. I have tried to change my behavior and managed to make it through 3 nights of him gone when he got angry at what he considers my neurotic problem, and needed to go away for three days, and not be in touch. I thought I would die but I actually didn't (!) and came through it stronger.

Last week I told him I needed a break until he could decide whether he wanted to try to try to come up with compromises that meet both our needs (like calling more often, or picking up when I call him - he won't because he doesn't want to feel like he's on a leash....).

Anyway, after some miscommunication, we finally ended up with him back in the house, and us agreeing to live together but move towards breaking up. We've both been unemployed and he just got a job recently, so neither of us can afford to live alone right now. I said that I wanted to move towards breaking up because I feel like the almost daily panics are draining me of the energy I need to look for work, etc. Does anyone else get exhausted by either the panic or the work it takes to steer away from a panic?

The first couple of days he was loving and sweet, and said he was really sad to think of losing me and was confused. Now, a few days later, he has once again spent hours away every night with friends. I am rarely included in his life with his friends. We have no friends in common. I don;t have enough friends or social contact right now, which makes me more isolated-feeling and more easily panicky.

Tonight he came home at 9:00 and left again at 10:00, after a brief talk in which he told me that he couldn't believe I was hurting my mother like this, and I tried to read him stuff about panic and anxiety, and he said he thought there's more going on that I am ignoring. Then he did something alone for awhile, then went out.

I feel this dead feeling inside, and the urge to cry. Did I mention that he also thinks that me asking him for a hug is manipulative?

Along with some other huge stressors in my life right now, I am feeling like this relationship is actually triggering the anxiety. Does anyone know about that? Can a relationship just be too toxic for anxiety-prone people?

Hey Itsokay, i can relate to your experiences alot anxiety keeps putting strain on my relationships.
There alot going on your life and his rite now, so your both bound to be stressed out and irritable, also your anxiety will prob be round wether ur in relationship or not.

I dont undastand y he thinks him giving u a hug is u being manipulative, that jus plain weird.

I agree wiv percycat (as usual) altho i want to say u wud prob find the relationship easier to deal with if you didn't have all the other stressors around you.

In case anything that means alot to me sets off my anxiety, the more it means to me the worse the anxiety, im slowly learning how to deal and mayb jus mayb 1day it wont effect me so much or I wil som1 who undastands.

Hugs to u itsokay and if u ever want to get anything off ur chest wer always here to listen

Gudluck wiv everthing

Hey hunny
I have that same problem with my mother and husband. They don't understand at all. It seems to them that I can just stop or turn off the anxiety, but I can't. There's been many a family function I didn't attend due to my anxiety. I haven't yet discovered a way to help them understand what I'm going through. I also don't think this SO relationship is good for you. I ended up marrying mine because I felt like I couldn't live without him. We're okay now, but it has been extremely hard. I feel for you. I have been and still am, exactly where you are. Maybe you could try saying a little prayer everytime you feel anxious. This helps me. I hope things get better for you. Have a great day! LOVE Ya

Hello itsokay,

Welcome to HealingWell and I am glad you found us.  I am sorry about your issues but it looks like you have met some of the new members and that's good.

I just had hand surgery yesterday so I am just dropping in to say hello. I will add more when hand is a bit better.

Take care and keep posting.

Hugs

Kitt

I know exactly what you mean about putting up with BS just to not be alone.  You and I could be twins, it seems!  Read my post about bad relationships.  Does that sound familiar?

I'd love some coping skills or techniques to get over this, too!

Maybe you are going through this toxic realationship so that you can become stronger. Yeah, I think I've become a little OCD about cleaning when I have anxiety. I usually end up breaking stuff, on an accident, so my tip is, don't do the dishes during a panic attack. HA HA. but I'm really serious.

Hi itsokay

How are you this morning?  I am healing slowly.  Thank you for you nice comment.

I have to say how proud I am that our members have given you some great advice.  You are in a tough situation and my heart goes out to you. 

Please know I care and you are in my thoughts.  Stick with us as you have become a family member here and we are so happy to have you on board.

Hugs

Kitt

Stkitt: You are right, these people are giving me such incredible support and advice. From the reading I've done on the forum so far, I have to say this is the most sane board I've ever seen! So far I haven't read anything remotely like what I see in so many other places- the "flaming" and put downs. People here seem to be unusually kind and supportive. I'm sure it can't all be that rosey, but this is what I've seen so far. Good job, folks! Perhaps people with anxiety issues are more aware of others' feelings??

Honeybee: thank you for that reply. I find it extremely instructive to read about the experiences other people have. Don't you? It somehow highlights our own live in a new way, and allows us to consider our own situations from an outside perspective.

My sister just emailed me about a book she is reading - Eat Pray Love. . I want to read it now, and thought you might benefit from it, too, fro the sounds of your story. Here's her description:
"It was a very heartfelt book and really touched me. The woman is writing at the beginning about her terrible divorce and her boyfriend that she loves but can't be with because she is too clinging and he is too reclusive ("he is catnip and kryptonite to me"), and takes off for Italy, India and Indonesia for a year. I can't tell you all the bits - but if you can fathom reading a book, read this one. She is a despondent person who realizes she needs to do something different. Much of the book is about emptying herself of her anger, and self-hatred, and learning forgiveness and how to live again."

Peacesoul: I love those lyrics- I never heard of that artist. I'll look her up! I've been making a lot of music, or trying to, and I just wrote a song last week about quitting the relationship. One of the verses is:

Your face
Looks like home to me
But our home
Is so unhappy.
It's the place you leave
When you need
To run away from me.
You go away from me,
You need to get away,
Go away, get away.
You need to get away from me.

The last part changes from me singing about how he seems to need to go away from me to singing that he needs to get away from me. From an observation to a command.

Last night I went out alone just because I couldn't stand how I was feeling around him- wanting to connect with him, but sensing his withdrawal and reluctance to be open or available. Rather than either pushing him in to the same old, useless conversation, searching for answer or reassurance that he cannot or will not ever give me, I just took $20 and went to a local place to play the video lottery. I ended up talking with an older, retired guy, and instead of losing my $20 to the lottery machines, as I usually do, I ended up with over $300 bucks. The fellow bought me two drinks, and chattered away. He was clearly interested in me. I must admit that I did not return the interest (he is one of those people that only talks of himself, and shows no interest in anyone else's comments. Ugh!). Still, it was good to get a bit of attention. I know that people, and men people, too, like me and want to get to know me, and I think it's important to get out there more and feel that more. This relationship has really lowered my already low self-esteem.

On the way home, I stopped and wrote him a note, telling him that he COULD try to address these issues he has- the need to run away and never let people really get close to him. Earlier I had tried telling him how very lonely I was feeling, living with him but so separate in our lives and thoughts. He said he understood and that he was very lonely too, and had nobody he could really talk to. I said how silly it was that we were both feeling so lonely and disconnected. "Why don't we open up to ach other and be friends with each other?" I mused out loud. He, of course, had no answer.

In my note, I said that we are at a cross roads. We could choose the road which would require him to attempt moving one step outside of his comfort zone, and try to really connect with another human for the first time in his adult life. If he took that risk, he could still end up choosing to leave the relationship, or go back into his box, but at least he would've tried. I said if he can't do that, we will instead take the road that separates us permanently.

He read the note. His comment was, "When do I have to decide?" I gave him a week, sort of jokingly, sort of seriously.

But this morning I feel like it was foolish to write that note. It was those drinks the older guy bought me talking. How many times do I think that if I just REPHRASE the question he will choose to be with me and make things better? He simply won't ever do so. Yet, he doesn't want us to get a bed for him to set up in a separate room, he wants to stay in the same bed, he doesn't want to move out, he wants the comfort of my presence, without putting in the work it would take to make things good. He is saying, "Come here, but not too close, but don't go away, but don't ask me to stay." It is a ridiculous dance.

The best part of the night was that I got home after 3 am. When I left he was nearly asleep. When I came home he was awake, waiting for me. I am NEVER the one that is out late like that, and I could tell it had bothered him at least a little, and that he had not been able to sleep, just like I'm not able to sleep when he is gone.

Anyway, I ramble on. Sorry.

Hi Harlan, Thanks for Asking! I started to feel like I was posting wayyyy too much, because I like to write so much, so I took a few steps back to Think rather than Apply Ink.

I'm doing OK. Actually things seem good with the relationship at the moment. We had a huge blowout on Friday, which included my anxiety building and building, and this caused me to treat him very rudely, I admit, and caused him to get very angry at me, which caused me to get angry back and tell him how much I wish he could see how things feel from my side.

I was totally and completely ready to ask him to please exit the building and find housing on a couch. . I would've insisted on it, but he was too tired. He couldn't really stay awake, and I didn't have the heart to make him go find a couch at midnight...

So, I sat there in the bedroom, as he fell asleep. Idly I picked up a book my sister-in-law had mailed me. It's called, "Getting the Love You Want." I started reading it and - holy cow! - it was describing me and my BF. Perfectly. It described every stage of the relationship so far. AND why it is happening, AND how to fix it. And it gave me such hope. I started reading a tiny bit to him, and he wanted more, and then more.

So, in the 2 days since, things have been gentle and normal again. I'm not anxious. I know it will all turn around again on a dime, but right now it's ok. And he agreed to go to one of these workshops, based on this book... so, we'll see.

So, back to looking for work and etc. !

How are YOU?

Yeah, Harlan, I really hope that when "Friend" is gone you will get some relief from the yo-yo ride. It is so draining, isn't it? It gets in the way of the rest of my life to be dealing with the anxiety. It distracts me, sometimes I have to freeze up and just lie still on the bed, and feel like I can't even change positions, I don't know why. I imagine it's how rabbits feel when they are in danger. I call it an emotional coma, no offense to anyone who really is in a coma, but it feels like I shut down and am totally inward, inside of a box that has very thick insulation. I mostly hate how it affects my son, because I just have a hard time "faking normal" when I am in the emotional hunted rabbit phase....

So I think I maybe can imagine how draining this whole strange experience is for you!

You know, we KNOW logically, that it will pass, but when you are dealing with the anxiety in the moment it is so hard to remember this fact...

Wow, that's a pretty darn nice message, coming from such an obviously giving person! It really does strike me that there's a lot of caring going around.