Relationship ended in a Very Bad Way. SORRY- very long.

Boy, what a night I had Tuesday. I posted last week or so about my challenging relationship with my boyfriend. Well, things got better, and then worse.


Saturday: He had a severe panic attack himself, about 3 am. I got up and drove him to the hospital. He didn't want to go in, just lie in the back of the car in case he was having a heart attack. Wanted to be near the ER. This is the 6th or so he's had since we've been together. He didn't know what they are. They take hours to pass, and he gets very demanding about his needs- rub my back, get me a blanket, not that blanket, I need Otter Pops, etc. Won't let me give him valium unless I argue. Once I rubbed his back so long that I was late for work. He was afraid he was dying, didn't want me to leave. Before he met me he did not know what these attacks were, and still only partially believes it, even if I show him lists of symptoms.

This time was worse because he got so ANGRY. He was really not nice, and not himself, and I was afraid of him. It passed, and he was normal again, but several times he got all jumpy thinking I was looking at his cellphone.

So, at bedtime I suddenly a compulsion to look at that cell phone record, and calmly told him I needed him to show me. He said no, and I said, you can show, or you can go. So he showed. There were some texts between him and a female friend of a friend. He lied about having seen her- played it like she was just in the room but they didn't really speak. Then he got her number, and after he left he texted her saying: U R A HOTTIE

I was really unhappy about that. He said it was nothing. He just wanted to say something nice to her (I say: you don't introduce sexy stuff into a conversation with someone you only met twice, unless you have some sort of desire that is pushing you to act, even a tiny step), . He said it was because he wanted to feel attractive to SOMEONE. (I tell him all the time, but I guess he meant someone HE thinks is attractive).
At any rate, he apologized but not with much Gusto. I called the woman, just to let her know that he has a girlfriend, in case something was a brewing. I guess maybe that was wrong to do, but my last boyfriend had several women on the side, and none of them knew about me. When they found out, they were all pretty upset.

SUNDAY: I have weird symptoms all day- head feels foggy and sort of pressurized, hands twitch and are numb, stomach upset, warm flushed feeling across my chest from shoulder to shoulder. Thready sort of feeling with my heartbeat. I am worried I am having a stroke or something... I have some trouble talking. I ask him for help. tell him something is wrong, he just ignores me. The symptoms went on all day, and I was pretty knocked and in bed because of them. He was really unconcerned.

MONDAY: While he is at work I decide to look at our cell phone bill and have to ask him for the password. He does not give it to me for hours. Once he does, I am totally suspicious and start looking for repeating numbers in case he is gettin' jiggy with someone. I see a number that had several calls the day before, late into the night, early in the morning. I call it.
Turns out it is a male friend of his- C. I am embarrassed, but I pretend I am calling to see how he is since he came home from the hospital.

After we hang up, C calls my BF to say that was weird that I called, since I never do. BF immediately tells him that I was probably checking his phone record and calling people to check up on him. C, who does not believe in monogamy and has many many casual sexual encounters, tells my BF that that is terrible and I really invaded my BF's privacy. Just keeps saying how psycho it is, etc.

BF comes home outraged at me. Very angry. He tells me what happened and I am really mad, too! He always paints me as a freak to C, and he did not, of course, mention to C how many times he goes through my Internet browser history, or reads my email. I hate when he does that, and he does it a lot. I never do stuff like this. First time for the phone bill. Have checked his email 3 times, and his browser stuff maybe 5 times. Anyway, he is all self-righteous and I am hurt that he has once again let his friends think the worst of me.

Later that night, the friend who he had met the female friend through calls him up and gives him an earful about how mad her female friend was to have me call her the other night. Drew tells me this with a certain amount of enjoyment. I feel ashamed, but also I feel like maybe it was ok I called. "I was friendly!" I say, and he says, "Whatever. They were both just shocked that you called them and reallly angry." Again I feel he is not standing up for me. Maybe I am way off base. I don't know.

TUESDAY: I am very low from all of this nonsense. A few other things happen that morning that I am stressing about. He calls to say hi and I tell him low I feel. He doesn;t have much to say, and I drop it. He's at work, after all! He comes home late, not saying where he's been. THen he tells me, proudly, that his friend at work told him the U R A HOTTIE text was no big deal -"You were just sending her a compliment." I feel dizzy and ready to vomit. Why does nobody see anything wrong with this?

I tell him I am uneasy about all this and would like it if he could tell me what is up - with the text, with his desire to send it, with his feelings about the relationship, etc. I say I'm going out for awhile and giving him space to think, and that I love him and have warmth for him, but I feel uncertain and uneasy about all of this, since we so recently broke up (3 weeks ago) and then he convinced me to get back together. I feel doubtful of his commitment.

Maybe I totally over reacted? I didn't get angry. I was calm and clear, I thought. BUt I was also full of dread and anxiety. I felt that something was brewing, that he was hiding things (well he always hides and lies, but usually it has never been anything to hurt me).

So, when I checked in with him hours later, he had very little to say. I had tried reaching him earlier. I was sitting in a diner, feeling stuck, unable to move, afraid to go home. I texted him - telling him that I felt utterly alone in the world, nowhere to go, nobody that i belonged with. He is so unable to reassure me or to help me feel safe- hates it if I cry, thinks a hug request is manipiulation, as is a request for love reassurance. Anyway, he does not reply to my really sad text saying how low I am and that I feel so overwhelmed with life that I don't know how to proceed. I call a couple of hours later, and he says he really has nothing much to say. Some half-formed thoughts that are too difficult to speak. I say it doesn;t sound too encouraging. He does not reply. I say I feel like I have to draw my own conclusions he says he does not want me to. I say OK, and I will be home soon. Half an hour later comes this text: CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE OF THIS TONIGH. GOING TO SPEND THE NIGHT AT A FRIEND'S.

He has done things like this before, and it is a very hard thing for me. I feel abandoned, I get instant panic attack, hysteria, fear. I feel like I cannot survive it. I have worked on it a lot, being with him, because I know it's bad, and I want to change, but it's also not cool that he does this. Everytime he doesn't tell me where he's going, why he's upset, or answer my calls.

So, I call him, freaked out, and beg him not to leave yet. I am stuttering and not breathing right. I pull the car onto the highway. He is firm and cold and angry sounding. "NO, I will NOT talk to you. I am LEAVING now. DO NOT PUSH ME." he says. I enter full hysterics. I am driving like 78, reckless, can't really see. I start screaming and crying. Begging. "NOOOO DON'T DO THIS I WAS ALREADY FEELING SO DOWN AND ALONE PLEASE NO. YOU KNOW THIS MAKES ME PANIC. PLEASE" and he gets really mad and yells "FINEFINEFINEFINE." and says he will come back, since he's already left, and talk to me for a minute. In the ten minutes it takes me to get home, I calm myself down and I call him to apologize.

He doesn't answer. I call again. No answer. Call again and he answers. He's on the phone with S, he says - one of his exes that he is good friends with. He says he'll call me right back An hour later, he shows up. By that time I am in a frozen calm state. I have realized, somehow, that he is deciding to leave me. He won't answer my calls that whole time but I send him some messages saying that I am sorry I freaked out. And I tell him to bring my truck back, because the plates are expired, and he should get his car so he doesn't get pulled over. I tell him I know he is leaving me, and that I will be ok, but don't want him to get a ticket. We're too broke.

When he finally shows up he barely talks. I am calm and keep working on my laptop. He sits for a moment, gets up, picks up a few of his things. Starts to say something. I panic and say, "Please don't say anything that will hurt me right now." He gets up and goes to his office room to get more stuff. I call to him and he comes back. I say I'm sorry I stopped him, what was he going to say? He says it doesn't matter. I ask where he is staying tonight. He won;t say. I ask if he is staying with that woman, C, that he texted, the Hottie. He laughs, "That was NOTHING. There was NOTHING happening."
"Why can;t you tell me where you;re going,then? Why is it a secret?" He shakes his head.
He says "Your life will be much better without me" and I lose it. I start to cry. It is real. He really is leaving me. I say I can;t make it alone tonight. He says, "You can get support from your friends and family." Even in my state of mind I am aware that whoever he had been talking to earlier probably told him that phrase.

"Please stay, please don't leave me alone tonight?" I beg. He gets angry.
"DON'T Don't Do THIS. DO NOT." He leaves and goes downstairs quickly. My head is racing. I have to stop him. I can't be alone. I can't i cant. That is what I am thinking.

Downstairs he is about to leave and I block the doorway. "Don't Trap Me. I;ve already DECIDED." he yells and I start crying hysterically. I say "please please just stay until I am calm. Please."
Angrily he says, "OK, but go upstairs, I'll be up in a minute." I know if I go upstairs he will just leave.
I am not breathing right, not seeing right, everything is shifting and crooked, I am so scared. I am not thinking. I put my cigarette (EDIT), and collapse to the floor moaning. He yells at me to cut it out. I grab a (EDIT)
I did this once before - threatened suicide. It is something my mother did often when I was a kid. And I have done it with other boyfriends. And I never really thought about it. But when I did it with this BF, over a year ago, he told me that it was not acceptable, was manipulative and made him mad. I saw truth in that, and felt ashamed, and never did it again. Until last night. I was so confused by his lack of communication and my own confusing anxiety all night and day. I know he is leaving me but not why. He has not even said so except for telling me I will be happier without him and telling me that he already decided.

Upstairs I throw the knife across the room, and cry out for him. He does not come. I call and call him, he does not come. I go look for him, hyperventilating, crying, He is outside, on the phone with the 911 operator, the police are coming. I am so angry. He knows, I am sure, that  He knows why I said that, and the circumstances that cause it. Again, I think that this is what his friend on the phone told him to do if I said anything like that. He is like a stranger to me. He is not the man I thought he was.

I am so angry, ashamed, embarrassed. I beg him to let me talk to the operator, he does not let me come near him. I sit in his car so he can't leave. He tell me to get the F out of his car. Finally the cops come and divide us up. I tell the one with me that BG is leaving me again, after convincing me to take him back a few weeks ago. and point to the huge hole in the front of the house where he ripped out the old picture window we are replacing. He is leaving with a huge hole in the house. The kitchen is gone, the dining room light he too out in November and never replaced. He keeps tearing things out and not every helping me to put in the new stuff. I tell them I supported him for so long, and now he has a job and I don't and he's leaving, etc. I say I was just upset and got too hysterical.

The cop asks if I am going to hurt myself, if I am diagnosed with anyhting, if I have any weapons. Says if I hit BF I will go to jail. I am so embarrassed. I want to go in and hide. I hear the other cop ask BF why he is leaving me and he says, "I'm sick of her drama." I am so mad. He brings this drama- he stays out all night, he won't answer calls, etc. The two cops speak together and BF goes to my truck and starts unloading it. To my shock I see it is totally full of his things.

That means that he had texted me that he was going away for the night, AFTER filling the truck with his things. He was planning to leave, and sent me a lie. He had already packed up a huge amount of his things, and was already planning to never come back. BUT HE LIED and said it was for the NIGHT.

Sure, I had sensed he was leaving, somehow, but the bare fact of his lie just shakes me to my core. Reminds me that this is how he left his friend S, when they were involved. They were in another state, fixing up a house to sell, and she was at work, and he packed up and left with no note. I remember that this horrified me when I heard it but he promised he was not like that anymore. He had matured since then. Guess not.

I feel so betrayed. I go to my room, and shut all the doors. I cry, I call a friend, even though it is midnight, or later. He talks to me for 45 minutes. I am semi-calm. I cry and cry and get scared again. I call the crisis line. She says to breathe deeply and do something to distract myself. Then tells me this is a crisis line and she needs to help people with real problems. I don;t want to tell her that I feel like dying, that I can;t go on, because I'm afraid of her calling the police again.

I email my mother, who is in a time zone 3 hours later. I say I think I need her to come out. Luckily, my teenager was at a friend's for the night, but when he comes home, how will I be able to parent him when I am so wrecked? No job, no money, house torn up, BF gone and won't tell me why. Ashamed, humiliated myself. VEry afraid that I will end up in a deep depression like I did when I ended my last relationship. Don't know how to make it.

She has an extra ticket already, and she is able to book a flight and fly 3,000 miles to be here by 6:30 in the eve. It is nice and hard to have her here. I only want BF back, but I really don't at the same time. He has betrayed me so badly with that lie about going away for the night. All his strange behavior. Calling the cops when he knew all he had to do was be kind for a few minutes. His secrets, his lies, my fear.

Spent the whole day in bed. Angry, sad, crying calm. Called many therapists and have an appointment tomorrow with a guy who does EMDR. Has anyone tried that therpay? I call the therapist I saw for 14 years but stopped going to 2 years ago because I wasn;t figuring out how to stop the emotional reactions to this sort of situation. She calls back and we have a long talk .She says I am handling this better than any of the other times. Getting help. Asking my mother for help -which is very much not like me. I keep myself separate from the family.

I tell her it is because my life has never been so throughly wrecked before. I tell her things are very bad. She is comforting.

And here I am. Can't sleep. Suddenly had a huge panic that this was all my fault, That I drove him away by reacting to that text. That when I thought I was calm and rational, asking him for clarity that I was really putting huge pressure on him. That he DIDN'T Know his going away text would make me panic, that he DID think (edit). So confused. Don't know what is real.

Sigh, want to escape my life.

  ***Hi there

I have edited just a couple of words from your post due to the fact we have 13 yr olds here that are members on the site** I do hope you understand and you CAN email me at my addy right below my name ...........LYN

Post Edited By Moderator (Howlyncat) : 7/1/2008 10:01:13 AM (GMT-6)

Itsokay,

If I could teleport over there to give you a big supportive hug and shoulder to cry on, I would.

Your story sounds much like many of mine, unfortunately. I'll try not to color your experience by confusing it with my own. I had one BF whom I felt I "had" to act out with in order to get his attention, to make him see how horribly he was hurting me. I remember pounding my head against a concrete wall in front of him once when he refused to listen to the truth from me: kept insisting I had left him a phone message saying something hurtful, and I kept denying it. It was still on his machine, and he "apologized" and acted shocked when he heard it and realized I'd been telling the truth.

Years later, I realize that such out-of-control behavior on my part was not a healthy way to handle things, and wish I had behaved better. I also realize that to him, my extreme reactions were emphasizing his sense of importance and entitlement. Like he was "all that" because look how the little woman just falls apart totally at the thought of losing him.

He pulled the same stunts, lies, and sneaking as yours, and yet I felt I was the one who had to apologize each time, I was always the one - as in your story - begging him not to leave until I settled down.

Having his poisonous nature out of my life was the biggest relief - LATER.

I hope you're doing better now, and I'm so glad you've turned to your mother for help. I hope you'll heal from his toxicity more quickly and more completely than I did.

Hugs and more hugs,
percycat

thanks all. feeling better today, actually. feel some relief. still miss him and still can't shake the feeling that he is not a bad person, but just wounded and stuck in his own way.

mom is here, and we have had a big fight, but it was VERY INTERESTING and enlightening. more later.

Itsok,

I am so sorry and yes you need someone to give you a hug.  I am so glad you have a Mother that would come to your side.

I read your post very carefully and IMHO you and this person are not a good match, I think perhaps you know that but you are so afraid of being alone that you are acting out and the two of you are so alike he acts out too.

Sweetie, first of all start to let go of him,  he is toxic for you and I am not judging you, just observing what I see in your post.  You are both playing games. I think it would be good if you worked with your therapist on your self esteem and also I have to say this, if I had a man in my life that treated me as he has treated you I would kick him to the curb in a New York minute.

I really did not see any respect or caring on his side toward you.  I feel you might also be in love with love, not with him. 

You have so much to work out and perhaps your sons Father left you and this is why you have lost all your confidence.  You can get it back.

People who have poor self-esteem tend to focus on and magnify their perceived shortcomings, and ignore their strengths and achievements. It's like looking into the mirror and seeing a warped picture - a bit like the ones at fun parks that make you look distorted - completely blowing reality out of proportion.

Your self-esteem can affect how you feel, how you relate to other people, how you deal with challenges and how relaxed and safe you feel in your daily life.  Let's get you back to feeling good about you and learning to love yourself.

In order to be happy you need to like yourself. If you believe that you are not OK, or if you are constantly putting yourself down, you are more likely to feel depressed, anxious or miserable than someone who has a positive view of themselves.

You have my support and the caring and support of all of the members here so let's get you back up and running smoothly.

You can do this.  We are here to help.

Hugs

Kitt

Dear itsokay

Great big giant hugs to you my sweetie....................I did what I was wanting to do with my post.......I got you thinking in a straight forward rational way.  I knew you probably would not like some of the comments but they gave you food for thought and your reasoned through your behavior and identified what had gone wrong. You looked at your boyfriends behavior in an objective way. Kudos to you. 

You know your self much better then you think.  You see I too have had relationships where I have begged, cried and threatened because I was so afraid of losing the person.

I have acted out knowing what I was doing was only going to make it worse but it was all I knew how to do.

I know you are a wonderful person and I am so happy you are seeing physician today.  The therapy is outstanding and I am proud of you for working on it.

I hope you are not mad at me, I was just wanting to get you thinking, I do not judge.  I believe in you.  God Bless.

Kitt

Oh dear itsokay,
I am sort of where you are. Okay, first of all I want you to know that your anxiety is not your fault. Some people say that we cause it or we can control it, but they have never had it now have they? It is real. It's not some imaginary drama we think up just to get attention. It is not your fault. Ok? And you did not drive this man away. It sounds like he is a real class a butthead. He was not treating you right and you deserve so much better. He sounds like he's the one who might need some help. And I'm not saying you shouldn't get help, we all need somebody to help us out when the going gets rough. So anyway I can share my story with you.
I am 19 (will be 20 in July) I have been married for almost three years (in August). My husband and I have a beautiful two year old son together. I got pregnant at 16, then married at 17 and also had our son at 17. So yes, I'm very young in age, but my soul and body feel much older. My husband never understood anxiety or depression. I have had anxiety every since I was 5 years old. So it's not new to me, but he has never experienced it himself. Anyway, right now we are seperated and I am staying at my Daddys and he is still at our house. He has been so cold and so distant to me every since we got back from our overnight honey moon about three years ago. I guess he thought he'd won the prize so now he could stop trying?? But after the birth of our son things got bad. I went through post partum depression and I had bad panic attacks every night. I could not and would not sleep, at all. I lost alot of weight very fast because I could not eat. The whole time I was going through this he just kept telling me to stop it, or to just cut it out. He said I was just trying to keep him up all night. He said that he had to work so he couldn't be there for me. I begged him and pleaded with him to just love me. To just hug me and tell me everything was gonna be okay. Things got worse and he started physically abusing me. He would push me and rip my clothes and break my stuff. He always hit or kicked me below my face so no one would know what he was doing. I had huge bruises on my legs and arms. He would scream at me and cuss me out right there in front of our infant. So one day we were fighting and he kicked me really hard in the shin and my son was in my lap. I tried to call the police but my cell phone didn't have any reception. I left him that night. But I only stayed gone for two days. When I came back he never hit me again. But then started the verbal abuse. He all the time is calling me a f'in psycho witch. And telling me how lazy and ugly I am. He says I'm too skinny and too needy. I would try and try and try to get him to understand that I was not having anxiety and panic attacks because I wanted to. Who wants to have that? But anyway about two weeks ago I was in the bathtub with our son and he stormed upstairs and told me I was spending too much money. (I didn't have a job except momma and housewife, which to him doesn't count) I only buy gas and ciggarttes and groceries. But the groceries are always for my husband and my son. I only buy what they like. So basically all I was buying for me was ciggarettes. Well he let me have it good. He told me how psycho I was and how lazy and how stupid. Right in front of our son he degraded me and cussed me out good. So I left. I left him and was ready for a divorce. I got a job and moved in with my Daddy. But he now says he's changing and he wants us to be able to work things out. It makes me so mad that he only wants me when I'm gone. I have tried to leave him many times before and I never was strong enough to stay gone for more than two days. Now I am finding out that I am a very strong, beautiful, intelligent, and hardworking girl. I don't need him to get through my panic attacks. And I have actually found that my anxiety level is way down since I've been gone.
So anyway, he always did the same "your fakin it " or "there's nothing I can do " stunts while I was having a panic attack. He would actually get mad at me and start yelling at me, which only made my panic worse.
So the moral of my story is, your better off without him. Honey, it's hard, it's very hard. But you can do this. You can be a better off person without this jerk. He needs to treat you with love and concern, not be distant and mean. I think it's actually going to be a good thing that he's gone. You can now find out what you want. You don't need him to live. You are strong and intelligent. Anxiety is just one of our many flaws. And it can be a good thing sometimes.
I have a suggestion for you. I think you and your son should try and finish one of the projects your ex didn't finish. Like start out with the smallest one, the dining room light. Do that and when your done you will feel on top of the world. I know it sounds silly but it will work. You will see that you don't need him to survive. You can do things on your own.
Just remember, you are who God made you to be. Flaws and all. He loves you, and we love you! Keep posting girl. We will help you through this. You can do it. Dont give up!

itsokay

I am so sorry that Mom is not able to be more supportive and please don't take to heart the comments about your house.  Niether your Mom or sister has been living your life. Invite your sister to grab a broom and help you get things cleaned up instead of yakking at you.

I have been down your road, I promise as I got married the first time at 17 but had 3 children.  My Mom and Dad came to our house (100 miles from their home) once a month and my Mother always took over and rearranged my kitchen drawers etc. 

I gave up and let her..............so my forks are not in nice neat rows, I knew where they were but as she only had one child to raise, me, and never worked outside the home she knew best.........LOL.

Did we fight?  My Mom and I were like oil and water.  I knew no matter how hard I tried I could never do it good enough to suit her,  yet I never learned to quit trying.  There is that old insecurity of wanting to please others and sacrificing our own self esteem.

You will make it and while your Mom is here maybe you can take some time to make a list of your priorities and see what she thinks.

Let the snide remarks go by and remember what she says can't hurt you if you don't let it.

I am proud of you and I know you are still in shock over this whole situation so give yourself a break, no beating yourself up and know I am here for you.  I understand anxiety very well.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt

i know one thing my husband could not talk himself out that text,some men think women are stupid that we are a walking emotional wreck, well they cause it, everything is tucked under the rug and forgotten so they think, but we don't, find someone who you deserve it sounds like he is playing with your mind my husband has done this more than once i get so mad, i wish i could be there for you, but sweetie you deserve so much better.

Post Edited (machelle) : 6/28/2008 7:35:12 PM (GMT-6)

itsokay,

I know that pain, he's an (insert favoured word) but you still love him. That just proves what an amazing person you are. You are right to let him go, but it's still okay to mourn what you had, what could have been if he wasn't (insert word) and to care about what happens for him next. Just know that it isn't your responsibility anymore. Take care of you, and congrats! You are one strong lady

Hey y'alls. Thanks for the check-ups and check-ins. Bit of a wreck here.

What I want more than anything is to have SOME control over my emotions. I go from feeling glad he's gone, to texting and calling him obsessively, to feeling, as I do right now, terrified that he was ever in my life. Earlier tonight I became convinced that he was sleeping with the woman he texted to last week.

This is me at my very worst. I feel totally unable to manage my emotions, at times. I really thought I was not going to get obsessive and write/call/text him, but I have. Last time was 3 hours ago. I'll take each minute as progress.

Feel ashamed.

Itsokay,
Hey how are you this morning. that last post has me worried. I will pray for you. You can make it through this. You can do it. Are you on any medicine for anxiety? I think that it might help you through this first initial shock of things. Please hold on and lean on us. Keep posting and let us know how you are. I'm sending you lots and lots of hugs and love your way! (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS and LOVE)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

itsokay

I am going to post a list of assertive rights you have.............now these are just FYI and a good read ok.  I am not saying you must change yourself or am I judging you. I found it very helpful for myself to practice some of these techniques as I was frequently overwhelmed and yet I could never stand up for myself.  I have learned a lot and not I am more assertive. 

Ten assertive rights of an individual

Assertive Right #1: I have the right to judge my own behavior, thoughts, and emotions and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequence. The behavior of others may have an impact upon me, but I determine how I choose to react and/or deal with each situation. I alone have the power to judge and modify my thoughts, feelings, and behavior. Others may influence my decision, but the final choice is mine.

Assertive Right #2: I have the right to offer neither reason nor excuse to justify my behavior. I need not rely upon others to judge whether my actions are proper or correct. Others may state disagreement or disapproval, but I have the option to disregard their preferences or to work out a compromise. I may choose to respect their preferences and consequently modify my behavior. What is important is that it is my choice. Others may try to manipulate my behavior and feelings by demanding to know my reasons and by trying to persuade me that I am wrong, but I know that I am the ultimate judge.

Assertive Right #3: I have the right to judge whether I am responsible for finding solutions to others' problems. I am ultimately responsible for my own psychological well-being and happiness. I may feel concern and compassion and good will for others, but I am neither responsible for nor do I have the ability to create mental stability and happiness for others. My actions may have caused others' problems indirectly; however, it is still their responsibility to come to terms with the problems and to learn to cope on their own. If I fail to recognize this assertive right, others may choose to manipulate my thoughts and feelings by placing the blame for their problems on me.

Assertive Right #4: I have the right to change my mind. As a human being, nothing in my life is necessarily constant or rigid. My interests and needs may well change with the passage of time. The possibility of changing my mind is normal, healthy, and conducive to self growth. Others may try to manipulate my choice by asking that I admit error or by stating that I am irresponsible; it is nevertheless unnecessary for me to justify my decision.

Assertive Right #5: I have the right to say, ``I don't know.''

Assertive Right #6: I have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for them. To make a mistake is part of the human condition. Others may try to manipulate me, having me believe that my errors are unforgivable, that I must make amends for my wrongdoing by engaging in proper behavior. If I allow this, my future behavior will be influenced by my past mistakes, and my decisions will be controlled by the opinions of others.

Assertive Right #7: I have the right to be independent of the good will of others before coping with them. It would be unrealistic for me to expect others to approve of all my actions, regardless of their merit. If I were to assume that I required others' goodwill before being able to cope with them effectively, I would leave myself open to manipulation. It is unlikely that I require the goodwill and/or cooperation of others in order to survive. A relationship does not require 100% agreement. It is inevitable that others will be hurt or offended by my behavior at times. I am responsible only to myself, and I can deal with periodic disapproval from others.

Assertive Right #8: I have the right to be illogical in making decisions. I sometimes employ logic as a reasoning process to assist me in making judgments. However, logic cannot predict what will happen in every situation. Logic is not much help in dealing with wants, motivations, and feelings. Logic generally deals with ``black or white,'' ``all or none,'' and ``yes or no'' issues. Logic and reasoning don't always work well when dealing with the gray areas of the human condition.

Assertive Right #9: I have the right to say, ``I don't understand.''

Assertive Right #10: I have the right to say, ``I don't care.''

Gentle Hugs to you.

Kitt

Itsokay,

Sorry I've missed stepping in to encourage and support you. What you're facing is very hard, but you're getting clearer all the time about understanding yourself and your relationship.

Those abandonment triggers you described from your childhood sound horrible! What a nightmare for a young child who just wants to be held, comforted, and recognized.

Unfortunately, I remember something similar from my college days: I was dating a guy who apparently decided to break it off without telling me. When I went to his place, he had jammed the lock so that my key wouldn't work. I screamed and pounded and begged for half an hour and he didn't respond. I am ashamed I had so little self-respect that I did that in an apartment building where dozens of people could hear. That was the first of my many mishandlings of being cut off in a relationship. I seemed to pick several more guys afterwards with the same ugly pattern of freezing me out if they didn't feel like dealing with me. I hope you'll give such fellows the boot more quickly and effectively than I did.

I'm glad you've made the choice you have. He was not treating you with the respect a partner deserves. Remember that you don't have to go through the lonely times alone: you've got your mother and sister (conflicts and all), your good friends, and all of us here.

Bless,
percycat