How do you deal with anxiety/stress when the main cuprit is your spouse?

I love him, don't want to leave him and realize you can't change someone else, unless they want to change. I know that everyone has issues. His anger management problems and need for things to be done a certain way are not at all compatible with my anxiety and my disorganized mind. We've been dating and then married for about 20 yrs now so this is nothing new, but as a sahm mom for the last 7 yrs it has definitely gotten worse. I've always thought of him as kind of a Jeckel and Hyde. He has two different sides to him. The fun, loving, loyal and adoring guy I fell in love with and the angry condescending jerk that visits sometimes too frequently. I'm just wondering how others handle similiar relationships other than getting out of them. What can I change in myself to make things easier? Also if you've ever been able to get through to someone else like this and how you did it. The old advice, "You make me feel like....when you" does not work with him at all.

Paniccu,

I really have to ask, and you don't need to answer, you can email me if you prefer, but does he abuse you physically? If I am out of line I sincerely apologise, but if he abuses you in any way then it is just not on. I was married to an abusive addict for several years and he could be the most wonderful person in the world. Sometimes. The next day

Okay, serious stuff aside..Have you ever tried counselling? The "when you say this it makes me feel.." is a wonderful way to communicate without blame, but sometimes if you have a mediator (counsellor) then it can forces hubbie to listen. Anxiety is enough to deal with, without having to tiptoe around his issues. It's hard work!! If you want to change anything in yourself I would say..don't put up with it. If he starts being condescending, just tell him "I'm not willing to put up with you in this mood" and walk away. Often people don't realise that they are taking out their frustrations on the wrong person. I'm guilty of it after a bad day..but if it makes you feel unsafe then you need to take some action. let him know how it impacts on your life. Take care, and please, put yourself and your children first.

Meg

Meg and Robyn,
thanks for your words of advice. No he is not physically abusive to me or the children, and I am confident he never will be. He is also not manipulitively abusive, ie he does not try to control my every move, who my friends are or make me feel like I am worthless. I agree if it were to ever get to that level the kids and I would be out of here! He has an explosive voice when he is mad and he says unkind words, really unkind words occasionally (like once every few months) . A lot of times it's more his tone of voice than what he actually says and when I speak to him about it he truly doesn't seem to understand why it was not ok to act like he did. Robyn, you are so right about romancing him and getting time away from the kids. Grandma is taking them next weekend! We try to get out once a month or so and I make sure I often spend time with him after the kids go to sleep. He started a new job last month and it's been very stressful for him. Unfortunately his stress comes out as anger. I would like to help him to manage that a different way, but I don't know how. He hasn't actually been mad at me or the kids lately, he just gets so angry about things in general, like the neighbors' barking dogs or the fact that someone started mowing their lawn at 8:30pm, or the loud, partying teenagers that moved in across the street lately. I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to peace and quiet or a right to say something to the neighbors or call the police or whatever, but he obsesses about it and he has angrily confronted the neighbors on several occassions. Different neighbors, mind you. He yells and swears at them and he thinks they are idiots and he doesn't need to treat them with respect. This has caused me a great deal of anxiety as you can imagine! At the end of the day I just pray that there are no disruptions. I am always hoping noone will connect me to the raving maniac that banged on their door the night before.

My brother passed away unexpectedly in January and I feel like every day is a gift. I feel like my dh is still not getting that! Life is too short to spend yelling at my neighbors IMO. My DH is a good father and husband in many ways and I don't think we'd be better off without him, although when he's at his worst I have thought about it. Meg, I like your suggestion to tell him "I'm not willing to put up with you in this mood" and to walk away. I think I'll try that. I tend to make matters worse by going on and on about it and that's never helped anything. I've always thought we should go to counseling at some point, but he seems to be open to it only as a last resort. I'm hoping that a marriage workshop or something similiar will come up in our area. I think I might be able to convince him to do something like that. I just started reading a relationship book that a friend of mine recommended so maybe that will help. Thanks for listening to me ramble. I really appreciate it! If anyone else has suggestions for me send them my way. Thanks!
Liz

Thanks Lyn! You too.