HealingWell
Search Close Search
☰

Axiety and my relationship

Support Forums
>
Anxiety & Panic Disorders
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
Posted 8/27/2008 6:21 PM (GMT 0)

Hey everyone,

I'm new to this forum (my first forum, I think) and I need some outside thoughts and opinions.  I was diagnosed with GAD and Depression a couple of years ago and I was on Effexor for a while but I didn't like the physical side effects so I weaned myself off of it.  I am afraid my anxiety is going to ruin my relationship.  I am now engaged and I have been with my fiance for 3.5 years but I am always questioning him in the relationship with my worries and thoughts and I know it angers/upsets him.  For example: There was talk of us moving in together last October and I coudn't do it then because I have a younger sister I needed to see off to school in the mornings at home.  When school was letting out (this past spring)and the rest of my family was going to be home for her I told my fiance I could finally move in.  He seemed less than thrilled though he says every now and then that he still wants me to when I bring it up (I have to be the one to bring it up) I don't believe him.  I don't know what caused the change -my anxiety worries him?  Has he lost feelings?  He keeps making empty promises.  A few weeks ago he said, "in two weeks we'll move you in" and 2 weeks came and went.  It's been like this for a while and it's just one of the many things I worry about.  I constantly think about it and get upset over it because I feel like he doesn't want me to and I think he's losing feelings for me or regretting the proposal.  I am constantly questioning him about things like this and it needs to stop because I am making him feel like I am not happy with him.  I just don't know how.  I become very irrational when I am upset but it is hard to stay calm and say the right things when I am upset.  Do you have any advice?  I don't want to go back on medicine...I've tried psychologists and psychiatrists....anyway, thank you for the rant opportunity.

savemeplease

Posted 8/28/2008 1:12 AM (GMT 0)

Hi savemeplease,

Welcome to HW and the A/P forum. You are among friends here. Anxiety can make us constantly question ourselves, and those around us. I know that when my anxiety is high I can become unreasonable with my partner and drive him nuts needing constant reassurance that I'm not annoying him with my anxiety. What a catch 22!

I'm not a relationship expert but in this case I would sit your fiance down and be 100% honest about your concerns. Tell him that you feel anxious that he is losing feelings for you, that it makes you feel upset. Do not use any blame, be up front about the fact that you are worried about his lack of action in regards to you moving in. Ask him how he really feels. It has to better than wondering and making yourself upset every day not knowing.

If this is too confronting, write him a letter. It's easiet to speak the truth, and not say something you may later regret! I know this may seem daunting, but you need to know the truth so you can move on if need be. Most likely he was a little snubbed when you first refused to move in (for very honouable reasons I might add) and now he is scared YOU will reject him by not moving in. It may well be that he has the same insecurities as you. Talk it out, clear up how you are feeling. You will feel so much better.

Again welcome, I look forward to getting to know you better.

Meg

Posted 8/28/2008 3:52 AM (GMT 0)

Hi savemeplease,

Welcome to HealingWell and the A & P Forum.  I am sorry you are going through this difficulty with your finacee.  I agree with Megs, sitting him down and having a serious conversation about your relationship may be the best way to deal with your issues up front.

You may want to think about this before you talk to him..........

Are you happy in the relationship? Sit back for a moment and think to yourself 'Am I happy in my relationship?' If you are happy, then great! If you're not happy then you need to ask another question. Ask yourself 'Can I foresee myself ever being happy in this relationship?'

IMHO you are taking on  alot of blame for the problems that have cropped up, like you have done something wrong because you have anxiety. Do not beat yourself up.  Remember you have anxiety, it does not have you.

Again welcome to HealingWell.

Gentle Hugs
Kitt

 

Posted 8/28/2008 5:58 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you both for the thoughts.  I think you are right - that I need to talk to him but that is a very hard thing to do because I've tried many times.  Now he thinks I am a broken record (maybe I am?) and he turns his phone off on me so I can't call him.  He'll hang up on me, block me online.  I would think if our relationship is that important to him he'd want to talk to me about things.  He told me today that my anxiety is too brutal on him and that I need to tone it down.  I told him that I think (and I honestly do - I had a threshold of revelation) he is the cause of my anxiety and that's why I can't seem to 'tone it down'.  I was trying to be nice and pleasant and just talk to him.  I told him that the things he says and does triggers my anxiousness.  But who wants to be told that?  I don't blame him for being upset - I woud be too if someone told me that but he is more angry.  He tells me time to time, "I don't know why you just can't be happy with me."  I realize now that I can't because we are not right for each other.  He doesn't give me what I need (make me feel better, listen, etc) when I try so hard to do tha for him.  I am angry and sad but right now I feel as though the best thing for us to do is part.  Then again, I may be having an emotional - irrational moment.

Posted 8/28/2008 6:00 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Saveme, how old are you?

How long were you in therapy and how long have you been anxious like this?
Has this anxity caused stress with any other of your relationships, intimate or otherwise?
Posted 8/28/2008 6:49 PM (GMT 0)

Hello,

I am 23 - I'll be 24 in November.  I was in and out of therapy for about 8 months or so?   I was seeing a pscyhiatrist that was prescribing me Effexor and I basically told him that I was doing fine on the medicine so he would just give it to me and not make me talk to him.  He was very unhelpful...nice old man but that's it. 

I have had this anxiety (when I think back - most of my life.  I have always been a worrier) but it got worse after I met my fiance (then boyfriend) and was starting a new college in the Fall.  I'd say that was the Fall of '06?  The following winter/spring I went on Effexor XR. and I took myself off it the following summer I think?  I have seen college counselors and I have seen a psychologist a few times.  I never liked any of them. I have always felt like they were judging me...not understanding me.  This is my most serious relationship.  My prior relationships did not last this long and I don't recall anxiety with them.

Posted 8/28/2008 8:17 PM (GMT 0)
Could your boyfriend be the cause in the increased anxiety? Sure sounds like it. A relationship should be a partnership and two people need to have communication and trust in their relationship in order for it to survive. Doesn't seem as if he wants to communicate unless it is on his terms. He shuts off his phone, computer and ignores you when you want to talk about your concerns. He wants you to move in, then he doesn't. He is continually sending you mixed signals. I think if my husbands behavior was like your boyfriends, I would be anxious and worried too.

I think you really need to take a serious look at your relationship. Is this really someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? You said you never had anxiety like this in your other relationships, what is it about this one that is causing you so much more anxiety? Maybe write of list of pros/cons and really think about what is best for you and your future.

Also, maybe you could try therapy again. Sometimes it takes a few visits to find the right person for you. I think it would be really helpful if you had someone to talk to and bounce your concerns off.

I wish you luck and peace in whatever decision you make. Come here and vent all you need to, thats why we are here. I will keep you in my prayers. (((HUGS)))

God Bless,
Gail *Nanners*
Posted 8/28/2008 10:10 PM (GMT 0)
Saveme, I have a few things I would like to say.
You're still so young, why the rush to get married and move in with someone. Enjoy your life, get to know yourself, work on your self esteem and anxiety then you can think about spending your life with someone.

Also, I've had therapy a few times. It takes time to get the niche, but it sounds like maybe you're making an excuse not to go.
Any therapist who just prescribes drugs and then does not apply therapy is a dr who should lose his licence.

Therapist are trained not to judge, so I'm assuming it was your perspection and not reality. You need to find a qualified therapist to get you over this hump.

It sounds like the stress of marriage and school could be setting you off.
Posted 8/29/2008 12:43 AM (GMT 0)

Hi savemeplease,

It doesn't sound like your fiance is being very supportive. I know it can be extremely hard for someone who doesn't live with anxiety to understand how hard it is and that we do not "choose" to live with this level of anxiety.

However, you do not want to pick a life partner who is failing to support and undertand you even at this early stage. I know it may be hard, but IMHO I really think you would be better off focusing your energy on getting yourself better (as Peacesoul wisely suggested) rather than stressing about your future with this man.

I hope you find some peace with whatever decision you make.

Meg

Posted 8/29/2008 1:21 AM (GMT 0)
Hey there,

I think you have already seen the light as far as this relationship ..............

You posted:   He tells me time to time, "I don't know why you just can't be happy with me."  I realize now that I can't because we are not right for each other.  He doesn't give me what I need (make me feel better, listen, etc) when I try so hard to do tha for him.  I am angry and sad but right now I feel as though the best thing for us to do is part.
 

I believe you will not be happy with continuing this relationship or any until you feel better about yourself and your own selfesteem.

Fiand a therapist that you can build a trust relationship with and then do some hard work.  It will be worth it in the end and you will find the right person to share your life with when it is time idea Just my 2 cents worth.

Take care and keep posting.

Hugs

Kitt

Posted 8/29/2008 5:26 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you all for the thoughts and advice. I do need to focus on getting myself better but I don't know if I can even change. I always have been and I always will be a sensitive person so the pettiest of things trigger my anxiety. Knowing that there is a community here that understands what I am going through is comforting.

The funny thing is that sometimes I just need to 'sleep it off.' I could spend a day feeling completely down and upset but then I go to bed and wake up feeling completely different. Does this happen to anyone?
Posted 8/29/2008 5:41 PM (GMT 0)

Hi there,

Yes, I believe what you have described happens to many of us. Members with anxiety and depression can sleep on something and have a whole new outlook on the situation the next morning. However, I do not believe that is unique to just us but I feel that most people do this very same thing. wink

Take care and hope you start to feel better about yourself and work on building up your self esteem.

Hugs to you
Kitt

✚ New Topic ✚ Reply