Hello everyone. My first day of work was good. I think what I really need is to be outside of house. I will be working full time and on evening shift, from 3-11:30 at night. I'm excited about
starting it. But, yet I feel scared too. 6 more days and I go to the doctor.
I'm going to talk to him or her about
everyhting that is going on and praying that it all works out and that I get the help I need. I'm tired of feeling the way I do. I'm tired of the shaking inside and the down moods I get. Jason and I had an agrument this evening that really ripped me apart. And, it was something stupid. I know he is just really trying to help. And, I push him away. Because, I don't want to be hurt any more. I'm tired of that. I have been through the hurting all my life and I don't want to go through that again.
I come here everyday and read what everyone post. Sometimes I post back or I just read what you all say and then just sit and think about it all. I feel so toren at times, I'm not sure how i'm suppose to think or what to do. It drives me nuts. And I know that i'm going to hear or read rather. "stop the stinking thinkin'. " LOL thanks I do need to hear that every chance you can tell me. I do have alot of that. And I have alot of self doubt. Its there and always has been. But, I'm working on it and I'm working on me. In less then 2 months I'm getting married to the most wonderful guy that a gal could ask for. And, I know sometimes it scares me on how he treats me and how he makes me feel. He is always there for me when I need him the most. I could not ask for more. And I know that I some times make him feel sad and upset, on the way I treat myself. And, I'm sorry Jason. I can say that till I'm blue in the face and the world ends. But it will not make the quilt I feel for hurting you like that. I'm very sorry. It will take time for me to come to terms with that your not like everyone else in my life and that you will not hurt me on purposes. I thank you for the love you give me and the understanding that you try and make me feel. 
I love you and always will. (and you all wondering why i'm typing that here?, well the fact is he is reading what i'm typing and I just want him to know, some times I just can't put things into words till I wrote them or type them).
Sometimes its not easy saying your sorry or understanding why you are sorry. But, living through this disease is sometimes the hardest thing to do. You do have anxiety and you do have panic attacks. And, sometimes you can't control what happens and you can't control your mind. But, living through it and making the best choices and coming to understand no matter what there is help out there for you and there is someone that is going to be there. This disease doesn't stop and asked who am i going to take today. It just steps in and takes you.
I want to say thank you all out there. For your kind words and your understanding that we all need to vent at sometimes and we all have things we just need to type or write and let others that is going through it to just give us words of kindness or words of understanding.
I love you guys like family and I'm here for you if you need me. Take care and God bless