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Posted 11/14/2008 9:58 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Everyone...I hope you're all doing well.

I'm back with another question/ problem. Everyone is always so kind to give me great feedback. I appreciate being able to vent on here and see what you all might come up with. Any advice welcome.

I have bipolar 2 disorder and was seriously ill a while ago. Hospitalized and down in bed until a year ago last summer. Came back and have been through some physical illnesses, etc. but am hanging on. Recently was on here because of some driving anxiety.

I have a daughter in college and a son who will be starting in the Fall. I've been a stay at home mom for 20 years. Our game plan was for me to get my teaching certificate reinstated and get a FT teaching job so I could earn money and put the kids thru state schools. Last fall I did go back and took a class and passed the teacher's exam and started subbing. I got a long term sub job. I did okay but knew pretty fast I was not emotionally ready (energy wise) to take on a FT job.

I can wrangle the kids and I'm good with the material. I can teach anything from high school calculus to 1st grade. Everyone likes me, even though I am firm and keep everyone under control. So far, so good. But I am having a terrible time in the mornings.

If I sub high school I have to get up at 5. If I sub younger grades, it's 6 or 6:30. I get up early so that's not it. Some days I get up and just sail through my morning routine and am a happy camper. Other days I get up and panic. I just can't do it. On these days, I go to the computer and cancel my job for the day.

Now normally, I'd feel like crap about cancelling. But in this economy there are plenty of subs and I always cancel early. Plus, I just have to click on a computer screen, not make an excuse to anyone. BUT I am very angry at myself.

1) I feel I should be able to sub most all days unless I am physically sick.

2) I really should be moving toward a FT job. I have kids to put thru school.

It's really just this one hurdle of the early morning thing. Can anyone think of any tips to help me cancel less often? I yearn to be a reliable, normal person.

hugs,

sophie

Posted 11/15/2008 12:16 AM (GMT 0)

Sophie,

I am a teacher and have had many "morning dreads" as I call them.  I used to call in sick thinking that would be the best thing for me to do, but learned in time it was the worst thing that I could have done.  On those "sick" days, I wasted a day of my life lying around dwelling on anxiety, made it worse for the day, and wondered if I would ever be able to work again.  I just added fuel to the fire.  Now, if I feel them coming on I just jump out of bed and hit the shower.  I watch (or have the sound in the background) a funny, mindless show as I get ready for work which I have previously TIVOed the day before.  I concentrate on the now and don't give a second thought to what lies ahead for the day.  I make the morning routine enjoyable, my time.  No house chores, no lesson planning, no stress.  I have my day planned the night before so I don't have any last minute concerns hanging over my head.

My motivations to turn my situation around are much like yours.  I have a child in college.  I need to be a financial contributor to my household.  I want to set an example to my child that work ethic is a very good thing. I worked hard for my education and am good at my job and don't want that to be in vain.  But, I think my biggest personal driving factors are people are counting on me.  The administration, parents, and students need me (good mark up for the self esteem LOL) and what in the world would I think if my husband just started calling in sick each and every day that he felt he just wasn't up to it?

Just some ideas,

Soul

Posted 11/15/2008 12:51 AM (GMT 0)
Soul,
Thank you SO MUCH for your kind reply. I feel like you really understand what I am going through. You described my problem perfectly! I agree that cancelling my job does make me feel guilty and miserable all day. And honestly after about an hour or so, I feel perfectly fine and able to have gone to work.

I agree it is an issue of just getting over that hump. Getting in the shower is a great idea. I do have a good routine down for the morning. I like my coffee and oatmeal and visiting with my husband.

I so agree that my kids need to see a good work ethic and it is not fair that my DH has to face work each day but I don't. Fortunately, right now, no one is counting on me to show up each day. I can take a job or not as I please each day. Although from Dec 15- Jan 23 (with 2 weeks off for xmas) I do have a month long 2nd grade I will be subbing for. The district sub director recommended me for that job (this is a huge district) so I was very flattered.

I am a good sub. I do make a difference and I know some subs just coast but I make sure the kids learn something and are under control when I am there. I am a good teacher and would make a difference if I got my own classroom.

I'm going to try to think of more things to make my morning more pleasant. Maybe even a sign on my nightstand that says "shower-go for it!" or something. I used to have a small coffeepot in my bathroom and I made coffee up there. I have a fridge in my bedroom closet so I can have cream up there. Maybe that would help me get going. Maybe some better music. I do try to make my bed so I come home to a neat room.

Your ideas were very helpful, soul, you sound like a great teacher and person.

I wish I could meet some of the people on here sometimes. I think we'd understand each other so much better than the general public!
Posted 11/15/2008 2:06 AM (GMT 0)

marthamae

You know yourself well and what I sense is you have jumped into the full time positions to early.

Remember those babysteps and start out slowly.

Don't beat yourself up............just do the best you can.

Lower your goals to something more managable and yes consider it a compliment that you have been asked to commit to the month position but write down the pros and cons and don't make snap decisions.

Proud of you my friend.
Kitt

Posted 11/15/2008 2:46 AM (GMT 0)
Sophie,

You can sub for me anytime:) You come across as a wonderful person and teacher. Substituting is a difficult position but a good stepping stone for getting yourself back into the swing of things. If, or when, you choose to go full time the district will lose a wonderful asset in the subbing world but you will gain ownership in conducting your own class, designing the environment to your style, and know where you will hang your hat everyday. These things can diminish stress, but of course faculty meetings, test scores, parents, etc can add exponentially. Keep moving on one foot in front of the other in your own time.

All will be well,

-Soul
Posted 11/16/2008 3:25 AM (GMT 0)
Oh boy, Sophie, can I relate.  I work full time and was very ill earlier this year and hospitalized with bad anxiety.  I also have a very hard time in the mornings, getting up, getting started, getting to work.  Once the day gets going, once at work, it's usually okay, but if I could just click on a computer and not go in, I'd be doing it much of the time.  Hang in there, and I'll try to do the same.

GG

Posted 11/16/2008 7:59 AM (GMT 0)
Sophie,

I sure hope Soul's advice and your new ideas about it help you get past this obnoxious obstacle anxiety's trying to throw into your path. I'm one who never took a day off work for years, and once I gave myself permission to do it occasionally because of anxiety or depression, I actually made it harder for myself. Now, when I feel lousy, there's always that little devil on my shoulder saying, "Aw, but you can call off - you've done it before." It gets really tough some days to just "flick" him off my shoulder and tell myself, "I have called off before, but I'm not going to this time, because I can make it." I still have days when I give in, but I'm fighting to make them more rare.

Good luck flicking your devil off your shoulder - I know you can do it! You've got so very much to offer those kids - and yourself!

percycat
Posted 11/16/2008 6:41 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Percy and Georgie,

You guys are so understanding. I appreciate you sharing your experiences. Souls's naming the condition the "morning dreads" really helped with my husband. I've started calling it that and he seems to "get" it more now.

My husband and I went over our finances this morning and honestly, I really do need to working all that I can. Of course, there will be days where I am not called at all because they don't need subs and there will be school holidays and the summer. And realistically, there will be days when I am physically ill or the depression does beat me. So I do need to do the best I can.

This week I have jobs so far for tomorrow (Mon) and Thurs. Tomorrow's job is for high school science, so that is a 5am morning. I'm a little overwhelmed by that, so my plan is to get ready tonight as much as possible. I moved a small coffeepot into my bathroom upstairs so I can put a pot on while I get ready. I'm going to pack my lunch and teacher's bag tonight. I'm going to iron my clothes and wash my hair tonight. (For some reason, having to wash and blow dry my hair in the morning stresses me out. I only do it every other day but I dread it. Isn't that dumb?) Also, I'm going to prep tomorrow night's dinner in the crockpot so I just have to plug it in in the morning. This should make it fairly easy for me to get out the door tomorrow.

I'm also going to "troll" online today to see if I can pick up any more work for this week. Occasionally openings come up online. I plan to get more aggressive about looking. I also hand out little business cards to all the teachers I sub for and any nice neighboring teachers I meet and ask them to request me if needed.

I do have a month long 2nd grade job coming up from Dec 15th to Jan23rd. That'll be nice to know where I am going every day for a while and school starts at 9 so not too early. It's also 2 minutes away!

Thanks for all of your help--we'll see how it goes. :)
Posted 11/17/2008 9:59 PM (GMT 0)
I did it! Today I got up and went to sub for the high school science. They were perfectly behaved. I did wake up at midnight and again at 2 am and was a bit panicked about everything. I just tried to resolve that I was going to go, come hell or high water. I got up at 5 and did my routine and went.

While I was there I got a call from another school who wants me the rest of the week for someone else. It's an elementary job. So I am "full" all week.

Next week we have company coming for Thanksgiving so am not working.

Preparing a lot last night made this morning more bearable.

Thanks to all here for listening. Hopefully, I'll continue on this good path this week.
Posted 11/17/2008 10:22 PM (GMT 0)

i am so pleased that not only did you get the work, but you totally managed it! im sure the kids you taught were very appreciative. thinking of you as you get back in the game, teaching is a demanding profession for the healthiest, fittest, stong minded people, so its double hard for those of us who struggle with the demands of poor physical and mental health.

proud of you- come to sydney and sub for me!! wink

keep us posted, Maz XX

Posted 11/18/2008 1:26 AM (GMT 0)
Marthamae, it sounds like you did a great job! Stick with it and take it a day at a time. Hope you enjoy Thanksgiving!
Posted 11/18/2008 5:43 AM (GMT 0)

Wow, Marthamae, I'm impressed with your Monday accomplishments!  I too find that part of my work anxiety is not being sure what I'm going to wear or being able to find the right shoes and correct socks.  The more I prepare the night before, the less anxiety I have.  Doesn't do away with it completely but it does help.  Keep up the good work - one day at a time!

GG

Posted 11/19/2008 2:08 AM (GMT 0)
Yay! You rock! You did all the things I was going to suggest. I shower, wash and dry hair (which I also dread sometimes) and have my clothes all picked out. I also hate mornings but mostly because my crohns is worse and I just feel so tired. But one thing I have done in the past (though it doesn't sound like an option at your kind of job) is to call in late instead of calling out sick. If I am just feeling ill I will call and say "I'm not feeling so hot but I think I am going to feel better in a bit. I hope to be in soon." Then the pressure is off and I take my time but still go in.

Do you have a laptop? Maybe you can have your husband take your computer to work with him so that you can't call out. But that might just make your anxiety worse by not having an out.
Posted 11/20/2008 11:57 PM (GMT 0)

Thanks for the replies. It's been comforting to know everyone is here. :)

Well, it's Thursday night and I have gone to work every single day this week! I plan on going tomorrow also.

The class I have taught since Tuesday is an ELL class. That's "English Language Learners"...just in case you didn't know. (I didn't know until recently myself!) Anyhow, these kids really needed a reliable sub and I have done a good job with them. I heard they ran off a couple of subs earlier this year, but they have given me no trouble. One kid is a bit of a "skunk" though...LOL. I bet he keeps his mom busy!

I'm still trying to get stuff ready the night before. That's helping. And I just have been having the mindset of "Yes, you ARE going to work!". I've actually had quite a sore throat these last couple of days, but I've gone anyway. I just took some Advil and drank some water.

I think this anxiety is a confidence thing. Once I go to work for a few weeks, then I know I can and will be more confident. Of course, I can still miss in a true emergency...that happens to everyone. But that should be few and far between, not common.

I have to share something nice that happened to me today. The school I am working at is a school where I taught for 12 weeks last year when a woman had a baby. One of the teachers I worked next door to saw me today and she said "Hey, are you going to come and get a regular job here next year? I really like you and want you to work here!" I told her thank you and that her comment made my day. I don't know that I will ever be reliable enough to work a regular job but it was nice to feel wanted. I do know I am a good enough teacher. The kids always respond well, behave, and I KNOW they learn a lot. There's a good feeling to the day.

I'm still having a touch of driving anxiety but I'm driving and facing it.

I have a week off for Thanksgiving. The week after I am taking Monday off for guests and I have jobs for Wed and Thurs. Hopefully, someone will need me on Tues and Friday. Dear God, just not Kindergarten!

hugs to all,

sophie

Fitzy,

so sorry to hear about your Crohn's. My 17 year old son has 2 young friends with it and it has been terrible. You are truly courageous.


Posted 11/22/2008 1:56 AM (GMT 0)
aw thanks marthamae - I think anxiety can be worse sometimes!!! It is hard to explain to someone why you "feel" a certain way as opposed to having a physical problem that can be seen in tests ... ya know!
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