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My Husband is a Jerk/ Can't take it anymore

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Posted 12/10/2008 6:35 PM (GMT 0)

cry   Hi Everyone,

I'm 25 years old and my husband is 45 years old man. we got married 4  years ago and since then my life got changed completely.He has two boys 12 and 16 , since the first day i got married ...I took care of his kids as their own mother. I also took upon all the responsibility as a mature person.

In the begining of our married life , he use to understand my emotion a little bit. But now he does'nt wont to understand me at all. He becomes very insensitive about my emotions.Even if I try to show the concern about our week relationship and try to talk to him , he get ofended and denies for evevrything  I say.

He was earlier married to someone in my family and so he knew my family very well. Before we got married he confessed somthing which was totoaly insane.He told me that one time before we starting dating when he was married to his ex - wife,  he had Edit and that was just a one night thing and that he loves me very much and wanted to let me know before we get married.After that I was so badly disturb and depreesed but i gave him another chance in life as i saw his honesty in him at that time.

Why I'm mentioning all this is because we had on and off fight with small issue thrughout our 4 years and recently i came to know that he was trying to search for people to have sex and infact found a couple to goEdit with them. When I caught him   through the emails ,.......I confronted him and he confessed that he was trying to do that but somthing stopped him. He also promised me that he will never do that again , all his obession with  edit stroies / adult websties  will go  away.

Since then I dont have faith or trust in him , and I'm having Anxiety and depression problems.

For ex- Yesterday I had a very hectic day at work , I'm having PMS so I was not okay. when he came to pick me up after work , i wanted to tell him about the issue at work i had to face before leaving the office, but he did'nt take me seriously and wanted to kiss me at tht time , without respecting my emotions and the frustation i was feeling at that time.

Later when we came back home , i went to the bathroom and i tried to cry myself out to get that heavy anxiety feeing off my system. But could'nt do it. when i came out he approached me and asked me to calm down.I told him that I'm very frustrated about him sometimes with not tacking me seriously and that I feel he does'nt respect me also.

when I saw him not understanding what I'm saying , I told him that in my anger that he acts really stupid is behaves like a jerk. He got angry and started abusing me real bad  sick and dirty abuses . I told him i know he is angry and so he is abusing me back.

My abuses are not as dirty or sick like his abuses and then he ususal revenge he edit reminds of him and to get even with me. Also because i still dont have a child with him, he tells me that he is happy that he did'nt give me a child.

 Why I had to bring this long story because it is very difficult to tell my story otherwise.There is still a lot to say but this what i want to say now.

I've tried enough to talk to him about this that he needs to understand that he should not cross his limits and mentain his self respect and dignity for his future as he is losing respect in my eye by taking that dirty without any morals.

he even told me that he will go on adult website again to search for people with them. I dont know whether his was just saying that for revenge sake in the argument or that he raelly meant it.

I'm really losing hopes with life and him / dont know what to do / Dont have any family & freinds with me to help

 me.

I need advice to help my relationship with this man. I still love him but i cant stand his nonsence either.

How can i make him understand ?? How can i make this feeling of aneity and depression go away.

cry   cry cry I NEED HELP , PLEASE ADVICE WHAT I SHOULD DO IN THIS CASE??? cry cry cry

** Because this is a Family forum I have edited out a couple of words that should not be viewed by teens as young as 13........If you want to have more convo about this you can email me 'Email is at the side ........LYN

Post Edited By Moderator (Howlyncat) : 12/11/2008 3:01:24 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 12/10/2008 6:50 PM (GMT 0)

Hello shobna

You posted this same post in depression today but I am going to answer it here.

On 9/24/08 you posted your husband was cheating on you and did not have respect for you.

After reading today's post I have to say, If I was you ( which I am not) I would drop kick him to the curb and move on with my life. I think a bit of assertiveness on your behalf would help you right now.

You are getting your self esteem kicked up one side and down the other. Your better then this.

Are you seeing a therapist or on any meds?  I am afraid this man's behavior could turn abusive toward you. Reach out to your family and friends and we are here to support you.

Be safe

Kitt

Posted 12/10/2008 7:19 PM (GMT 0)
I am not normally on this forum but your post caught my eye. I am not a professional, but it certainly seems that this situation is extremely unhealthy for you. Any man who would taunt you with the fact that he slept with your mother is not worth one second more of your time.

I agree wholeheartedly with Kitt - kick him to the curb. Sounds like this has been going on for some time and the chances of anything changing are very small.

Take care of yourself and remove yourself from this toxic situation.

Best of luck.
Posted 12/10/2008 7:30 PM (GMT 0)
you are so young don't let him mess with your head, if he is going to try to be with other people than do kick him to the curb, you deserve to be with someone that cares about you and does not treat you like this get out, before a child is brought in this relationship are a disease he might bring back home to you, best wishes to you and be strong think of you, is this what you what for the rest of your life. big hugs
Posted 12/10/2008 8:30 PM (GMT 0)
I agree with Kitt 100%

KICK HIM TO THE CURB!!!

BE ASSERTIVE!!!

It does not matter how much you "love" him, because that love is unhealthy and wrong for you in multiple ways. Pack what you can and get to the nearest women's shelter or to a safe place like maybe a friend of family member. . . Wow!!! This man obviously does not respect you, which mean he does not truely love you, plus he plays lying games. . . That would be enough for me to run, but you have even more stuff going on than that.

Anyway, I wish you the best and said a prayer for you. I'm not usually this assertive (unless my nurturing instincts kick in) so sorry if it seems harsh. I just really want to know you are safe :) Keep us posted please :)
Posted 12/10/2008 8:58 PM (GMT 0)
I was in an abusive relationship for 12 years. It never got better. Actually, it gradually became worse. You are already suffering from emotional abuse. Next will be physical abuse. I'm not a doctor or an expert. But I'm going on my experience. He is not going to change. Also, he sounds like a sex addict. The man needs help but you need to get away. Please don't waste years as I did. Make a new start. I know it will be difficult. But you need out! By the way, I married a wonderful man a year after leaving my jerk. We've been married 18 years. Life is better with him.

Posted 12/10/2008 9:00 PM (GMT 0)
" THANKS FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT"

It really means a lot to me. I'm all alone and scared of what is going to happen in my life. I need to know how to get out of this situation. Whenever I go up to him to talk seriously he thinks it's my weekness and he takes advantage of that.

Is their a way that i can find some place to go for shelter, if somebody can provide me a web link to go a check for NJ.

I want all your support , so please help me in this misery I'm in.

Posted 12/10/2008 10:27 PM (GMT 0)
i was in a bad relationship when i was a little younger than you and it got worse, if you leave don't look back, don't let him belittle you, he will try to get you back, but remember who he is, he will not change only you will, always remember how you know in heart he is scum and you don't need him, you have so much life left to live and being with someone like him will destroy you. good luck to you
Posted 12/10/2008 11:09 PM (GMT 0)

shobna

Here are some of the best links I have found, use them well and don't stay in a dangerous situation as you may be his next game.  I don't mean to scare you, just a wake up call hun.

http://www.women-in-need.org/

http://womenscrisisline.org/emotional.htm

http://www.baddteddy.com/abuse/abuse_shelters_new_jersey.html

Just click on links.

Hugs

Kitt

Posted 12/11/2008 1:57 AM (GMT 0)
shobna,
I know its been said a ton but really KICK HIM TO THE CURB! like aires said, they only get worse. I know its hard to leave someone after being with them for so long, but youve waited way too long. he may tell you time and time again that he is going to change, and he might for just a little while, but chances are very high that he is just going to go right back to his disgusting ways. your still so young, you can get through this, you can be loved by many many other people!! stick with HW and keep us posted. Feel free to email me if you need to. Good luck girl!
Posted 12/11/2008 2:30 AM (GMT 0)
Shobna,

Aries is exactly right, from what you wrote you are definatley a victim of emotional abuse. I am affiliated with a Woman's Resource Center (safe house) in the midwest and am also a man. If you look back you can probably see that the emotional abuse started as soon as he told you that he had slept with your mother. He is quite a bit older than you and feels that he he can control you. History, much like Aries' unfortunate experience says that emotional abuse is ONLY THE START of abuse. From your writing it appears that there is some type of mutual conftontation which is not unusual at all, but quite unfortunate for the children who have to witness this. You have been the children's "mother" and I am sure you have built a bond with them. While many victims in your case fear leaving, because leaving requires you to leave his children. You also have the added dynamic of your mothers involvement with this man, which of course makes it difficult to speak with your family about what you are dealing with.

You could call your local police department and get a phone number of a resource center. They may ask you for your name because they normally logs calls. If you are uncomfortable with this contact your local hospital/clinic to get the phone number of a resource center. Many people go to a resource center only to return to thier abuser. This is normal. They eventually return to the resource center. In other words even if you don't decide to leave tonight or tomorrow contact the professionals (resource center) in your area. They will be more than happy to talk to you and give you the neccessary options. It is ultimatley your decision to leave or stay. But what ever your choice the resource center staff will talke to you and counsel you.

Good Luck
CC
Posted 12/11/2008 5:06 AM (GMT 0)
leave him. i met a man when i was 16. he lied about his age and i later found out that he was really 27.i forgave him and gave him a chance. i was alone at the time. no family. victim stamped on my forehead.a few months later i found out i was pregnant.

thats when he started abusing me me. nothing i did was right. he was always telling me what i did wrong,over and over, that nobody would ever love anyone like me.he told me my family hated me, i was alone and had no one to help, that he was all i had.

he would take off for days not telling me where he was.he would leave my child and i in the house with no food.i wasnt allowed to go any where. my world closed in around me.i started having bad anxiety attacks,couldnt breathe, felt i was being watched and jugded every where i went.i was utterly alone.

then one day i met someone online. a friend who told me to leave, not to put up with it,i said how can i leave, i have no education,no where to go,how can i support myself and child.

he told me life is hard,it is never easy, but you have to do it.he also told me to trust in god, that he has a plan,that it is my fear that is stopping me from moving forward and i have a choice to make stay and hurt or take a chance and live your life.

well i left.i found an apartment . i could take nothing with me when i left but my clothes and my daughters clothes, i was allowed to take her bed.i slept on the floor of my apartment with no bed,cold, i would put my clothes in garbage bags and push them together to use as a mattress.with out a blanket. i made it.

i got a fulltime job. iam having counselling to deal with the abuse, it will be very hard.you will be scared.i still fel watched.but you were able to take the first step and reach out for help, go forwards from here. not backwards. i wasted 9 years of my life on him. please dont wait so long to leave. there is hope.
Posted 12/11/2008 5:15 AM (GMT 0)

Shobna,

Hi, you have been given some great advice and resources it's up to you now to make the move. It's soo hard, it really is, but many of us have been in a similar situation and we are here to listen and support. You can get through this. Just imagine life living independent of him and every time you start doubting your decision..remember that picture of you, safe and free.

It helped me leave an abusive relationship and I hope it helps you to make the decision.

Take care,

Meg

Posted 12/11/2008 6:02 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Everyone,

Thank you so much for giving me all that good advice , I'm going to the therapist first. And want to get myself checked for all the problems I'm facing before I make any firm decision in my life.

ONCE AGAIN IT MEANS A LOT WHEN YOU ALL WRITE TO ME , IT HELPS ME A LOT.

THANKS
SHOBNA
Posted 12/11/2008 9:49 PM (GMT 0)

Our thoughts and prayers are with you.  we can only give our advice and be here to support you.  You have to do the hard work.

May you have peace within,

Kitt

Posted 12/11/2008 10:06 PM (GMT 0)
.....I am so glad all have given you basically the same input
I too was in a relationship with my Cait's Dad and he was an alcoholic and very demeaning to me
Took all my self worth away'
BUT I let him do that now in hindsight
I left him and he is now passed away due to alcohol and insulin dep diabetes

I wish you all the best and BE STRONG you do not deserve this at all
NO one does
Man nor woman
LYN
Posted 12/11/2008 11:46 PM (GMT 0)
Still praying for you Shobna :) Please keep us all informed on how things are going :)
Posted 12/12/2008 3:42 PM (GMT 0)
Please do keep us posted
WE do care for our "family" here

Luvs
LYN
Posted 12/18/2008 1:03 PM (GMT 0)
hi, i was just wondering how you have been?
Posted 12/19/2008 1:42 AM (GMT 0)
is it low self esteem.i feel that he is taking you and your love for granted.sweety we only get one life to live,so why not make it a beautiful one.be happy.you're young and he wanted you so someone else will.you said he was married to someone in your family,baby girl he think he got it like that.i'm 28 not much older in years but this wisdom goes a long way.show that man what you're worth and it's not that bull@#!?he's dishing out.take care of you yeah
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