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Posted 1/2/2009 6:51 PM (GMT 0)
How do I deal with "believing" my test results?  about a month back, I got my 7-week test result back--negative!!  I should have been celebrating, but instead, I can't let this go.  It's like my mind wants something to be wrong with me.  It's affecting my work, and my relationship.  I haven't made love to my fiancee in over 2 months....

Help....I hate being sad all the time!

Posted 1/2/2009 7:10 PM (GMT 0)
Welcome to the a/p forum
I am glad you posted

Sounds to me that you have alot of anticipatory anxiety ( even with neg results) and also a little bit of guilt and rightly so IMHO
My friend do you not think that your fiancee would know something is wrong
Us women are good when it comes to piking up on things .......LOL

YOUR test was negative but if you are this anxious I would get retested just for that reason alone.....
It would put some of this angst to rest I believe and then talk to your doc about having this recurring problem of NOT being able to be happy .......depression is a killer it truly is
Maybe not just in the true sense of the word but as you have said self
YOU are not happy you are ruining all around you and you cannot let this go ......
I believe you may have depression along with this BUT I AM not a professional I am just a person that has this anxiety as well .........and bouts of depression.......
YOU do deserve to be happy .......
SO does your fiancee
Have you ever told her about this ??

STay with us and I hope I have helped a bit at least

.....Be well and calm down if possible............Luvs...........LYN
Posted 1/2/2009 7:13 PM (GMT 0)

Thank you so much Lyn, it certainly helps to have someone understand.

It's been hard to deal with my fiancee; the one positive is that we don't live together, so really only were sexually active about once or twice a month, but I can't keep doing this.  I haven't told her--she thinks I'm stressed and worried about these recent skin allergies I have been getting.  I love her so much, and feel like I've suffered enough over the last two months.

I'm going for another test next week, which will mark close to 3 months after my "encounter". But I can't keep wondering whether testing will help or not.  It's in my head!!

Someone mentioned that hypnosis might be an option, as they can help me with the "negative" thoughts.


Post Edited (Worriedbanker) : 1/2/2009 12:37:15 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/2/2009 7:36 PM (GMT 0)
MY friend

There is also other techniques to help turn your negative thoughts into positive ones
It is Cognitive behavioural Therapy
You can find the link in the yellow at top in Resources/on first page with thread names  
Name on end is "WEN" in there is the free CBT workshop you can do at home in spare time
I have tosay it has helped me out to such an extent and I was a SKEPTIC for sure
I have seen so many here helped by this

These skin allegies could be from nerves ya know
YOU know in your heart that whether or not you live with fiancee or dont she deserves to be told .......right......
You say that you love her more than life or you love her so much.........

Were you engaged when this one nighter happened?
I have to be honest here..... always am
I know it would rip me apart if a man I loved and was to marry went and did this but I too know that things CAN be worked thru with total honesty ...........I wish you the best with either way you handle this I truly do

I am so glad you are getting second test done and I do hope you will continue to post and let us know ( me too ) how you are doing and then after the test as well
KNOW you made a big mistake ..............DONT let it happen again..........THINK FIRST of ALL you can lose
Luvs
LYN
Posted 1/2/2009 7:42 PM (GMT 0)

Thank you again LYN,

This encounter did indeed occur while we were engaged.  We've been engaged for a year, to be married this June.

The guilt has been haunting me, but the fear of losing the best thing in my life, is even worse.  I have confided and confessed to my mother, and she believes that I have learned a valuable lesson.  I've made it a habit of being self-destructive in the past, but now I know that I can move away from this phase of my life.

Be that as it may, I need to get rid of this anxiety.  Why do I think the blood tests are a lie?  It feels like I'm arguing whether 2+2 is 4. This emptiness in my heart is insane!

Posted 1/2/2009 7:48 PM (GMT 0)
I have health anxiety, and go through the same thing. A doctor can tell me I'm fine, and before I get out to my car I'm thinking they are wrong. Or they missed something. I can get second opinions and still not feel okay about it. I lived for years like this, and now I went and got help. I started an antidepressant and an anti-anxiety medication. I'm really hoping it will help me, but I also know it's not a quick fix. My doc said they feel it's a form of OCD.

If you can't let these feelings go, I'd really talk to your doctor about it.
Posted 1/2/2009 7:50 PM (GMT 0)

Thank you Jen,

I think that's what I'm afraid of.  I'm angry at myself for questioning the results.  I've always been a logical and rational person--why can't I believe an accurate blood test?  I keep wondering that it's because of the fact that it's an HIV test, which would impact not only myself, but the person I love the most.

Posted 1/2/2009 8:15 PM (GMT 0)
yeah YOU my friend.........Have just came to the total answer and it was all done by YOU

..........YOU love her and KNOW what you did was totally wrong

............YOU are so afraid of losing her it is eating you up from the insides out

...........MAYBE it is time once you get the negative test back ( it WILL be neg) to put this all behind you

...........Mom's are pretty good at reading their children and if your Mom thinks you have learned a lesson............

..........HAVE you learned a valuable one ........I KNOW you have my friend and I hope to God you take each day of your married life and before to thank this wonderful woman who has decided to be your wife in some small way........

.

....A rose every once in awhile a box of candies .....a homemade card...........

Even a sweet lil note to start her day sprayed on the mirror in your shaving creme lol smilewinkgrin

 

.......I nursed ppl with HIV and Aids and it was the hardest thing I had to do ......

I gave them my love and no judgement............they did the same to me ........

I did have to stop after my fav patient Ronnie passed away on Valentines day in 88

IT broke my heart........

 

For some reason

I have a feeling of a connection with you and I know ALL is going to be okay I really do

Take it one day at a time and remember you can be happy

DONT let this take your life away daily

Get up tomorrow with a whole new look on life love and Marriage

KNOW you have friends here that understand and are here for you ...........Luvs......LYN

Posted 1/2/2009 8:25 PM (GMT 0)
LYN---I just have to say--you made me cry at work while reading your post!!!

This has been the hardest thing I've had to deal with in my life. It's been made all the more difficult by the internet and by clinics and doctors who don't keep current on information.  Information overload. Sites like this one helped me realize that the testing window is 6 weeks after risk.  However, clinics and doctors still go by the 3 month window without explaining that only people with severely compromised immune systems will take longer than 6 weeks to aquire the virus....Crazy.

I also feel a connection; thank you for that.  My heart goes out to you.  And I do indeed thank God every day for my fiancee and my mother; the two women I love so much in this world-and I HATE MYSELF for doing anything that would put them at risk.

Posted 1/2/2009 8:57 PM (GMT 0)
.......A man is a True Man if he can CRY........

 

I am sorry you did this at work though and it was not my intentions at all

 

I FELT from my first post to you that I had to get to know you and within your first couple I did and I am so glad I truly am

 

  Love those 2 lucky woman you have my friend

 

Yes always remember what has made you get this bad but DO NOT HATE yourself

ALL make mistakes and it took a giant man to own up to it admit it openly and then cry...

I LIKE YOU..........I honestly do

 

AT some point in your life you have to forgive you as well it is the best thing that will happen and then you will truly be free of this demon that haunts you so

 

I want to thank you for being so honest and so warm in your posts

I believe we are friends.........there was a reason that brought us together today

I do not want to lose that connection my email is at the side if you want to email me

REMEMBER tomorrow is a whole new day full of lots of beauty and good things to come

Think of it like that when you open your eyes and post and let me know how you are doing

I am usually up by 5 6 in the am sometimes I sleep in but hoping I catch ya

My msn or yahoo is there if you want to talk as well

Kitt and Nanners are also great ones to yak with

This forum is full of FAMILY

you my friend are part of it

 

Luvs to you ..........LYN

Posted 1/2/2009 9:02 PM (GMT 0)

Thank you all; I am leaving work now, and I only have the internet here at the office.

I have my FINAL TEST next Friday at 12:30...hopefully a negative and I can MOVE ON!!

I will definitely be in touch; you have blessed me with your kind words, and at least I know that I am not alone.  Thank you so much LYN.

All the love I can give,

Claudio

Claudio

I took out your addy you had in ( wrote it down first lol) because it is for your own safety that you dont post it in a post ........NON members can get it and spammers as well okay

No error on your part we just have to keep members safe from the spammers and weirdos lol........Much luv n support my friend .........LYN


Post Edited By Moderator (Howlyncat) : 1/2/2009 2:14:43 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/2/2009 9:07 PM (GMT 0)
Nice to meet you Claudio!

You have received a very warm and informative welcome already:) I hope you take the good advice given and make you mind a little more stress free. I have to agree with Lyn also that a true man can and will cry. Sometimes it takes a few tears to keep ourselves balanced.

Everything will work out one way or another. You just need to be true to what your heart is telling you to do.

Take care!
Posted 1/2/2009 9:16 PM (GMT 0)
......NO thank you
I have been blessed with a new friend today ...........
Take care hun and hoping to connect tomrrow or next week when you can
keep me posted about results but I already know they will be neg

Support luv n friendship...........lyn
I have your addy
Posted 1/3/2009 7:05 AM (GMT 0)
Worriedbanker

Hello and welcome to A & P.  I know how all of this has caused you great pain and agony.  I am glad your getting retested next Friday and then I pray you will put this behind you and start living in the moment. You have made a wonderful new friend in Lyn.  She is the best and wise and extremely caring.

You are not alone as we all make mistakes and I have made some bad ones throughout my life.

I know you feel guilty and your afraid to believe the results of the test but trust, my friend, as your God is watching over you and will help you through this.  I will say prayers for you and be sending you good vibes for your testing.

"Fear of HIV" and guilt are your problems. Your honesty is  not only the best way for you to confront and conquer your guilt and anxiety; it's also the right thing to do.

Remember, "Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin." ...

You have shown your bravery in coming here and asking for help.

I feel in my heart that you are going to be just fine and everything will work out.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt

 

Posted 1/4/2009 10:23 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks Lil sis
I am so glad you met Claudio and gave him your caring support and warmth

You are so wonderful for so many
Love
Big sis

Thanks Bro as well ........
.........JEN too

Claudio
Let me know how you are doing k
Luvs
LYN
Posted 1/5/2009 11:53 AM (GMT 0)

Worriedbanker said...
How do I deal with "believing" my test results?  about a month back, I got my 7-week test result back--negative!!  I should have been celebrating, but instead, I can't let this go.  It's like my mind wants something to be wrong with me.  It's affecting my work, and my relationship.  I haven't made love to my fiancee in over 2 months....

Help....I hate being sad all the time!

You have hypochondria. You think something is wrong with you so much that you believe it, even though there is nothing wrong with you. If you are in disbelief of the test results - get another one done. I believe those test results are extremely accurate, but it will give you mental peace then I recommend going for another one.

Edit

Kevin

1.  We do not dx as we are not professioanals.

2. Hope you have lost your link by now because the next time it is posted I will notify admin.  Both AK and I have asked you to remove it.

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 1/5/2009 3:26:41 PM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/5/2009 2:13 PM (GMT 0)

Good morning all,

I'd like to thank everyone for their support and caring; I truly appreciate it. Thanks to Kitt, Bro, Kevin, Jen, and of course Lyn.  You have all made me feel like I am NOT ALONE in this.

LYN: I am going in for my test this Friday, but I can't seem to shake the feeling that this anxiety will still be in my head.  The logical part of my brain says "I'm okay", but I don't want to believe it.  I woke up so sad this morning....


Post Edited (Worriedbanker) : 1/5/2009 8:32:20 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 1/5/2009 4:38 PM (GMT 0)

Worriedbanker

Good Morning.   I know Lyn will be along but when you said
" I woke up sad"  I understood that feeling so well that it brought tears to my eyes. 

You have all this anxiety built up and it feels like depression is becoming a problem too.

Would you consider seeing a therapist to help you through this tough time so you can heal your heart and soul?  I have been through therapy twice and it was a good thing. Forgive yourself and stay in the moment.

I am here for you and thinking of you with support and caring.

Gentle Hugs

Kitt


 

Posted 1/5/2009 4:47 PM (GMT 0)

Thank you so much Kitt, it means so much to have your understanding and support.

I love my girlfriend so much that I think a lot of the anxiety is my heart breaking whenever I see or talk to her. How could I have been so stupid to put her at risk?  I hate myself for that.

In terms of therapy, I'm going in to Positive Changes hypnosis centre later this week.  I tried a convential therapist, but didn't find her helpful at all.  My mother thinks I can just "deal with this" on my own, but I'm trying, and it's not getting me anywhere.

Posted 1/5/2009 7:32 PM (GMT 0)
You may have this anxiety for a long time, and it may not only be about the blood tests..Have you thought about telling your girlfriend the truth? It may relieve some of your stress and guilt you've been feeling. Also, I don't want to pry but I assume you cheated on your girflriend..A reason to tell her is so you can be the one she hears it from, not someone else.

Definately do CBT. If the other therapist didn't work, find another person who will help you. This just means you haven't found the right person to talk to yet.. Your mom cares, but holding it in and dealing with it on your own isn't going to help you, if anything, it'll make things worse.
Posted 1/5/2009 8:58 PM (GMT 0)

Thank you Red09;

Unfortunately, I can't see "confessing" as a viable option.  I love her so much, that the thought of losing her would kill me.  I think I need to make peace with myself, and forgive myself for my actions, which were wrong.

CBT is an option as well.  What has anyone heard about hypnosis?  I had a meeting with someone @ Positive Changes and it seems that the hypnosis actually involves a lot of CBT anyway.  I figure if people can "forget" about needing a cigarette, then I can "forget" about having negative thoughts.

Posted 1/5/2009 9:18 PM (GMT 0)
The reason why I suggested it is because someone else might tell her. Like the other woman. Don't want to scare you but there is always that chance. I hope you aren't talking to the ow anymore and she is out of your life.

Keep working on you, and forgive yourself.
Posted 1/5/2009 9:20 PM (GMT 0)

Thank you for the advice!  The OW is definitely out of my life, and has been since the "event" took place.

It kills me inside though.

Posted 1/5/2009 10:21 PM (GMT 0)
Worriedbanker I think the guilt is really eating you up. I suggest after this next test comes back negative and you are still feeling anxious, maybe seeing a therapist to help you work thru this would be a good idea and maybe a medication for a short while. I wish you peace my friend.
Posted 1/5/2009 10:32 PM (GMT 0)

I just want to drop in to say I am here and supporting you.

Everyone is different with different personalities and individual make ups...................I believe in honesty if it helps but to be honest ( now no one shooot at me) if my hubby told me he cheated on me I would be crushed.................and may even have to leave as I am a very sensitive person and therefore you do what is right for you. This is your life.

Just know we all support you.

Hugs

Kitt

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