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confronting fear of caring for myself

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Posted 1/8/2009 1:41 PM (GMT 0)
I've been thinking a lot lately about what makes me feel anxious.  I've realized that every time I go to the doctor, I am afraid that I will get bad news... anticipatory anxiety is keeping me from really taking care of myself as well as I could.  I don't know if it is because I have a chronic illness that I feel this way, but every time a doctor does any kind of lab work or testing procedure, I fear the worst, even though I have no evidence that the worst should be what to expect.

I was listening to Patrick Swayze's interview last night and I heard him say that people spend a lot of time "chasing down" how to live, as they worry about the future and how much time they have to live, rather than actually living.  I cried for a long time after I watched that interview.  He is so right.  Anxiety about what's coming in the future really keeps us from living in the present.  In my case, it's keeping me from taking care of myself.  Even though I see my GI doctor regularly, the truth is that I haven't kept up with my other checkups.  My visit to the gynecologist in October came only out of guilt--I haven't had a checkup there in 5 years out of dislike for the whole process and fear of results.  I pretend that as long as I have no symptoms, nothing can be wrong with me and I can just keep going... ironic for someone who has a chronic illness, right?  But I worry constantly that something will happen to me.  It keeps me from doing things that I want to do... fear of the unknown is overwhelming to me at times.

The truth is that I do not do well with being honest about being a person with a chronic illness.  No one at my workplace even knows that I have Crohn's.  I choose not to talk about it because I want to seem "normal".  But unfortunately, that extends to taking as little sick time as possible to go to doctor's appointments.  My supervisor is not an unsympathetic person at all; she is very flexible.  But I don't like being a burden to other people by taking time off, and it gives me an excuse not to keep up with my checkups so I don't have to confront my fear.  By being the person at work who is "never sick" (ironic, right?) and not taking lots of time off, I appear to be dependable and capable.  But on the inside, I am crumbling apart because of the real reason why I don't keep up with my checkups.  I am scared of dying.  I don't want to find out that something could really be wrong with me.  I live with this fear every day and now it has caught up with me.  I have to go for that stupid pap test follow-up on Monday, and though I know the odds are that it will be fine, still the fear is with me that anything is possible, bad or good.  And I have to have a colonoscopy this year and dread it.  Why can't my stupid body just be okay?  Better yet, why not my mind?

Posted 1/8/2009 2:54 PM (GMT 0)
I totally understand I fear death I don't sleep well cause I fear I won't wake up the next morning I hope every thing works out for u im wishing u the best :)
Posted 1/8/2009 3:16 PM (GMT 0)
TeacherBetsy

I am so glad you watched Patrick's interview.............he is so right.  We worry so much about the future we forget that the only moment we have is right now, right here today so I am trying to stay in the moment.

Your Crohn's does not make you any less of a person nor do any of your other illnesses.  You are a person with a well known disease.  You have know obligation to spread the word but also you have No reason to feel guilty for having Crohn's and missing work.

You are cared for, supported and loved by your HW Family here so anytime you want to vent, come here and we will help you through.

Bless you my friend,

Kitt

Posted 1/8/2009 3:54 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks to both of you.  Again, this comes back to my issues about my mother and her attitude towards illness, all those times when I've been made to feel like I should soldier on instead of stopping to fix what's broken.  I have to start putting her negative talk behind me and take responsibility for myself.  I don't live in her house and I'm not bothering her by doing what's best for me.  I care too much, really, about what she thinks.  It is good to have this place to vent, but I don't want that to be all I do.  I want to be stronger so I can help others, too.

Posted 1/8/2009 4:13 PM (GMT 0)

Just by coming here and sharing your experience with us is a huge help as it makes us all realize we each have unique problems but together we can beat our demons and be happy.

((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))

Kitt

Posted 1/8/2009 5:05 PM (GMT 0)
I totally understand where you are coming from.  I don't go to the appts that I should because I'm afraid of the outcome as well.  Like you, I don't have any reason to believe that there's something wrong with me, but I still fear what they will say.  I know it doesn't make sense as if I went to the doctor I wouldn't have to worry about my health like I do. 

I've been working very hard on living in the moment, as Kitt suggests.  It isn't easy at first, but by being persistant it does become easier.  I've also come to accept that I don't have control in many situations, I can't control if I'm going to get sick, can't control accidents, etc.  There is huge relief in letting go.  Life happens and sometimes there's nothing we can do to change it, so we just have to allow it to be and do our best to move forward.  It took me a very long time to finally accept this fact and begin to see changes in my thinking, but it was worth it.

I do hope that you will start taking care of yourself and go to your appts.  You are important, you're health is important and both of us need to overcome our fears and get to those doctor appts!

Posted 1/8/2009 5:17 PM (GMT 0)
Many illnesses can be treated if found early. Many people wait too long. I have problems with my mother and some negative things she can say. I'm almost 50 and she can still get to me. I wish it were different. It's normal to fear dying. I would suggest therapy if the fear is overwhelming and affects your life on a daily basis. Good luck!
Posted 1/8/2009 5:26 PM (GMT 0)
That's really what I have to learn to accept, that even if there is some kind of bad news, I am not alone and there are people to help me get the care I need. Avoiding the doctor isn't going to keep me from having health troubles. Everyone has them and I have to deal with it. But it's so hard... I think having a chronic illness just makes you get sick of the medical system after a while. I don't know. I hate it all... dealing with the cranky appointment people, the insurance people, it all drives me nuts. I guess I have to suck it up and just make them deal with me when I need them. It's not my fault that they hate what they do.
Posted 1/8/2009 10:34 PM (GMT 0)
TeacherBetsy,

I am sorry for what you are going through and what many of us experience also. I did not see the interview, so thanks for sharing the information with us. The anticipatory and health anxiety is so tough to go through everyday. You are in good company here with all of the great people and resources :)

Hope things start looking brighter in you future!
Posted 1/9/2009 1:11 AM (GMT 0)
Does anyone know of any books for people with a chronic illness? A good self-help book might be useful.
Posted 1/9/2009 1:33 AM (GMT 0)
Go up to the top of the page and click onto HealingWell.com's Bookstore link and there are tons of great books and programs there :)
Posted 1/9/2009 1:34 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks for the suggestions.
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