Trapped and scared...

I don't understand why I'm so upset, I've written this so many times in different sites but I never seem to expect any answer that could help me, sorry... It still makes me feel a bit better to voice whats going on in my mind though

I feel like I'm going crazy - or that I AM crazy. I don't feel any emotion thinking about my family, but I want to and that scares me. Friends and people just seem like "THINGS" in my life, not beings that can help me. I don't feel human, because its like Im not thinking normally. I feel like a stranger to the happy normal-thinking person I was before. Even words don't have any meaning like they have for everyone else. Its hard for me to even string a coherent sentence together when I'm talking to someone. I'm almost scared of talking + try to avoid it but then I'd think "who cares?" if I do talk to someone. People don't seem the same to me as before even though I've known them for ages.

 I cry all the time. I feel like it wouldn't matter if I got hit by a car, but then again it would matter  A LOT. It's like I don't even have a proper thought, or my own opinion anymore, its just everybody else's but I don't feel my own feelings.

A lot of the time I don't UNDERSTAND things - just a random example, whats the point of a mobile phone? The only point of it for me is to receive texts that other people want to send to me (but they probably dont want to chat) and that I have to reply back to otherwise its considered rude. Its also for my family to call me if they're wondering where I am and I have to say where I am to make them feel better, though I don't understand why it would. I'm so messed up.

It feels like nothing can make a difference to how I think and feel because I'm so trapped. 

I haven't self harmed, taken drugs or drink alcohol either, so why am I feeling so crazy? This has been going on for almost 4 years.

First off, welcome to Healingwell. Secondly, it sounds to me, like you are very depressed. Have you seen a therapist and are you on any meds? I have a life long chronic illness and developed anxiety because of it. But thru therapy and the ocasional medication, I am now able to work thru it. If you haven't already, I would suggest visiting your doc and telling them how you are feeling.

I am sorry you are suffering so and pray that you can get some relief soon.

Hugs,
Gail *Nanners*

Thank you everybody for being so welcome and taking the time to reply.

I'm glad that there are others who may be feeling/have felt the same way as me

I've had 12 sessions with 2 different counsellors before but that didn't help...it kind of seemed too superficial to me. I feel like its something rooted at the core because even the possibility of being somewhere outside of my current state of mind is truly frightening for me.

It would be a miracle but horrifying as well, I dont quite know how that works.

I've also seen a few doctors since a year ago but what I've told them has varied I dont know why. The most recent one has suggested CBT but why is it that every thing seems like it would never work? I want to believe in CBT like lil nutty nicky but I always have a strong certain doubt in my mind. It feels like whatever the therapist might say wouldnt make a difference to what or how I think because its just out of my hands. The doctor also said I have depression and maybe drugs will help but again I feel strongly sceptical, mostly because I think the whole problem comes from the workings of my mind, not chemical imbalances. Then again, I could just be blinded from whats true coz I AM depressed. I don't know.

These thoughts scare me

However, I will go for CBT despite everything

I hope this emptiness can be filled up, and though it might not exist, I hope my soul will come back because thats what it feels like, dramatic as it sounds

Thanks again

Thankyou Green Grove

Lil nutty nikki - I think I feel as you describe. I still can't be sure because I still feel so apart from other people, and so inhuman. LIke even if someone came up to me and said they felt exactly the same way as me, I'd still doubt. I don't know whats making me hold on to the belief that I'm "inhuman" so much! I mean, I know I was human before but that just leads to questions like "does anyone even know what 'normal' is?" and stuff like that...

I just feel like I'm not here for any purpose, because maybe I don't feel the right emotions? I feel like I'm not acting normally.

Like when I read your reply just now I actually cried AGAIN and I know I said I felt no emotion before so this sounds kinda contradicting, but there was something MISSING. It might be because of the way you said it, it wasn't bad more like it made me feel happy for a bit. I'm always blanking off and staring into space, THINKING rather than LIVING. This will sound weird but when people talk to me, whether on the phone or in person, I feel like they aren't really talking to anybody because I'm so OUT of it, always WORRYING so much about what to say.

In the beginning that made me believe I was upset/anxious because I had low selfesteem and had some sort of social disorder but how could that suddenly crop up out of nowhere in my life? And how could it lead to such drastic constant crazy thoughts. Because I have been thinking about all of this round and round in my head for soo long now I can't remember when it exactly started but I'm so sick of it. Thats another reason why I think I'm unable to get better, because how could I, when I've been CONSTANTLY thinking weird, bad thoughts for so long? No matter how many times I try to think differently, it's impossible because I don't know how to think normally.

I know this is depressing, defeatist talk but I can't help it most of the time.

I try to tell myself to keep an open mind though

Thanks for the email too

:)

Hey! You mentioned that the depression started four years ago. What happened four years ago that may have triggered this deep depression?

Also, people who have had depression or anxiety for a long time, begin to keep it as a sort of habit. They don't know any other way of living and so they sort of "create" it to feel normal. It's difficult to describe what I mean.

You need to "act as if" you are fine. Notice the wonderful smells around you, kids laughing, birds singing. It sounds corney, but you need reasons to laugh and appreciate life. Do this on a daily basis. Also, find a hobby or begin doing one that you used to enjoy. Rent comedies. Find reasons to smile.

You definitely need a therapist. Find one you trust. It may take some time. It's time to begin enjoying life and let these feelings go. Good luck!

I think I have been where you are now...You feel TOTALLY alone,  like no-one can understand you, reach you or help you.  You can't understand youself, how could anyone possibily understand you if u can't. Right? ....Up, down, right, wrong, real, fake!!   Nothing makes sense anymore and you are so lost and sinking deeper and deeper to God knows where!   I wish I had the answer to how to get better, but I dont.  Just hang in there, trust yourself and believe in you and your own ability to get better....Support or no support.  I lost everyone and anything in my life that meant anything to me, my family, friends, job.  I hit rock bottom.  Pushed everyone away.  But slowly and eventually I started to heal, I began to regain my life, own my own feeling and believe I was ok....Please hang in there and SPEAK to the docs again one day. When you are ready to hear and heal you will begin to understand and work with the docs.  It took me many many months untill I started to benifit from the shrinks.  I'm sorry i could go on and on but will stop!   Goodluck and keep strong!  Contact me anytime if you need to vent.  Gillxx