New here, my story & looking for advice/support

I could almost feel my anxiety washing away for a few minutes when I first found this message board!

I'm Lacey, 24yrs old. Married & mama of two. I just wanted to share my story (beware this may be long) and hope that some of you can offer support or share similar anxiety attack experiences so I know I'm not alone with some of these!

I guess my story would start in 2006. I was 21yrs old, got married in October & lost my 3yr old son in November. He passed away from Meningococcal Meningitis & was buried exactly a month from the day that he & my dad walked me down the aisle in my wedding.

It was in late September/ early October 2007 that I first experience anxiety. I felt a heart palpitation, and this being the first I'd ever experienced I searched the web (of course only to find information that I should go to the E.R. right away) so I called my mom to tell her I thought I was experiencing anxiety. I felt on edge. Then things spiraled out of control a little bit. Well, alot! lol I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, my stomach was in such knots that I couldn't keep things down most of the time, racing heart, some heart palpitations, felt like I couldn't get a "satisfied" breathe, etc. I had acid reflux from not eating, felt like my skin was crawling, it was horrible. I finally begged (literally) my husband to take me to the E.R. after this had gone on for a number of days. I was bawling because I thought I was going to die, I was telling my husband through the tears that I didn't want to die. Thankfully he has delt with some severe anxiety during his life as well, so he understands. So he took me to the E.R. hoping that they'd talk to me a little bit. Well they had me do an EKG & blood work to rule out heart problems & a blood clot. Both came back with nothing wrong, gave me some xanax in my IV & a temporary prescription & sent me on my way. I still worried that my heart was going to stop & I would die, as my son went into cardiac arrest & we watched them try to resuscitate him. STILL feeling anxiety & unable to "get a grip" I went to my family Dr. two days in a row! The second day I was so worked up that both my B.P. #'s were over 100! So he spent time talking to me, gave me B.P. meds & a prescription for anxiety (don't remember the name.) I never ended up taking the anxiety meds because I let myself read the possible side effects & refused to take them. My mom works in a Pharmacy & she even explained that if only ONE person has that side effect, they have to put it in the info. Still wouldn't take it. Finally, the worst anxiety attack of my life, probably lasting around 2wks, ended out of nowhere.

Last Spring I got pregnant with my second son & delivered him in November. I had a few bouts of anxiety while I was pregnant, but nothing as severe as how it was in the beginning. My son decided to arrive 3wks early & spent a week in the NICU. After he came home was when I had another bout of strong anxiety. I was having, normal bleeding after the birth of my son, but out of nowhere I started thinking I was urinating blood, that I'd have to go to the hospital & find out I had a kidney problem, and that I would die. It took about a week or so to get completely out of that anxiety attack as well.

This time, I'd be noticing some extra phlegm in my throat & was clearing it alot during the day. My anxiety this time has give me the "unable to get a satisfied breathe" sensation off and on & ever since I've been paranoid that I have pneumonia, or something horrible that I'm going to die from.

I hate that I can't get over it! I've gotten to the point, where I can know, that this is my anxiety manifesting itself on my body, but I can't get my brain to stop telling me that their is something wrong! I think I've been worried about every organ in my body. I thought I was going to have a heart attack or some heart disease, kidney disease, liver problems, a brain tumor or aneurysm, & most recently, some sort of lung problem. Oh, and cancer. If I find a bruise on my body, I worry that I have cancer. Grr,

During times of bad anxiety, it keeps me awake. A few days ago I went to lay down & woke an hour later. I tried to force myself to stay in bed, but couldn't anymore & that's when I had really bad anxiety. Which is one of the worst I'd had since my first experience.

I will say that I'm proud of myself for coming as far as I have in dealing with the anxiety. It seems like I have one really huge panic attack each year where I want to beg my husband to take me to the hospital. Other times it's just little anxiety problems where I'll get a stomach ache & worry obsessively about something. But like I said, the little ones mostly effect my stomach rather than anything else. When I'm actually able to not focus on my anxiety I feel perfectly fine. The biggest problem I have with my anxiety is to not dwell on it. How do I not dwell on something that I think will cause my early demise? I don't want to feel this way, I wish I'd never started having anxiety or I wish I weren't this bad. My mom thinks I'm so afraid to die because my son was so young & I feel like if he can die, I can easily too as well.

Thank you for reading, if you made it this far. I really just needed to get that out & off my shoulders (note that I have been breathing fine since I've been writing this & not worried about anything lol) If you've felt any of the same sensations, please let me know! Or if you have any advice, tips or support to offer I'd must appreciate that!

-Lacey-

Hi LDH85 and welcome to Healingwell. I just have to ask why you won't use the Xanax when these attacks hit. I suffer with anticipatory anxiety and I don't have that frequent of attacks. I use my Xanax (lowest dose) only about 1 to 3 times a month. I have learned to recognize when they are ramping up and stop them in their tracks with the help of my occasional Xanax. I use to get so ill from these attacks and couldn't stand it anymore. I would recommend that you get in and see a therapist. I found that helped me more than anything to talk out my fears and worries. And when I can't talk myself down, I use my Xanax.

Why live with all these worries, when help is available??

Again welcome to our little anxious corner of the world, and I look forward to hearing more from you.

Hugs
Gail *Nanners*

Hi lacey!

   Boy can I identify! My dad fell into a coma a week after I had gotten married and we took him off of life support shortly after. The following year my aunt, cousin, uncle and mom died within three 3 of each other 3 of them from heart attack or heart failure. Several months later I had an axperience that sent me to er thinking I was having a heart attack (I was only 31) They did the usual stuff ekg, wore heart monitor for awhile the works! No one ever mentioned that I may be having panic attacks. Thankfully I stumbled onto this site! The support was great and after no longer wanting to suffer through they terror I went to a counselor and they put me on meds. I stopped the meds less then a year later and had been fine since until last year. After being pretty panic free for 7 yrs they started again and fierce. I thought I was dying. At least this time I knew what they were and what to do. After the stress of  selling my home, moving out of state and starting a new job I settled down again. That was until my brother died last month. It triggered again and again I ended up in er thinking I was a goner. So here I am again.

For me I realize they are triggered by lose. I do not take it well and realized also I need to acknowledge and take care of the chilld within. For me it triggers me back to an abandoned child. I have been trying to go through it without meds. I do natural medicine and for me I am more comfortable without them. In saying that I do take something when I realized Iit has gone too far for me to stop. My head immediately thinks I am having heart attack. I have been trying to change my thinking when they happen. I encourage you to seek help and use meds and coming here and using the chat rooms has been a life saver. It doesnt even matter what room just start talking! People have helped me through them on many occasions. Good luck and hope to see you in chat.

First of all, my heart goes out to you with all that you've been through. My initial thought after reading your story was that I would think ANYONE would have a great deal of anxiety over the loss of a child. To me, that would probably be one of the most traumatic things I could ever imagine, and I noticed that you related how you remembered your son's heart stopping as you referred to your own fears. The first thing that popped into my head was Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I'm not suggesting that's what's going on with you, only that it may be something to think about.

I am certainly no specialist beyond what I've had to deal with in my own life, but regardless of why you are having anxiety problems, a good psychologist or counselor will help you immensely, as they have helped me and countless others. They can also work with your family doc to make sure you get any medication that will benefit you.

Most importantly, welcome to the forums! You will find these people to be helpful and supportive (as you've already discovered!). You WILL get past this, and you WILL reach a place of deeper peace and comfort in your life... =)

Ross

Ross - Thanks so much for the kind words. My mom had thought that PTSD might be the problem as well.

Aries - I've never been to a counselor. I really can't say why either. I'm not against it at all, as I went for a short while in high school for some depression problems.

I know I need to enjoy life. As ya'll know, anxiety makes it so darn hard! Family tries to tell me to do something to distract myself from the anxiety, but I often dwell in it so much that I can't fully STOP thinking about it. That's something I need to work on!

But thank you again, I'm glad I found this forum!