Not again

I was going to post this in the "Anger turning into Anxiety" thread. Sorry this is going to be long.

Just the other day when I was standing in line at the cash register in a grocery store, there was this couple who was standing in front of me and for some reason they were not moving forward, they just stood there talking, and ignoring the people standing behind them, I don't know if they were doing it on purpose? Anyway, since there was a long line behind me, I had to ask them to move along in line, then the guy shouted furiously "Shut up B***H, we're talking and we're not moving!!" He was a very tall guy and well I almost collapsed and I was terrified and angry at the same time, but I couldn't talk back at him, the store clerk came up to me and told me and the others to stand in line at the other register.

I was feeling sick, I was shaking but managed to get thru. When I walked out of that store, I had this horrible feeling taking over me, I was confused, anxious, and didn't know what to do. I went home somehow and took a shower, spoke to someone on the phone, and tried to get some sleep, but my heart was pounding so fast, I couldn't relax. I took my benzo, and closed my eyes....then in the morning, around 4am? I don't remember exactly, I woke up with a horrible panic attack, my heart rate was probably about 130 bpm. It was crazy!! I seriously thought it was the end and I couldn't control it.   Just the day before this incident, a friend (well I thought she was a friend) told me I was "weak for living my life in fear" so that was definitely another trigger. 

Anyway, what a day it was! Only a few years ago I lost a very close person, it was a very tragic death, I almost gave up on my own life too, and it took me years to function normally again. It seems like everytime I think I finally found some freedom, it's the same thing all over again. I've been out of work for months, I am trying to get my life back on track again. The job hunting process is of course extremely stressful as I cannot work full time with this d**n panic and anxiety. I had my first full blown panic attack at work, I was taken to the ER in the middle of the day, and I am NOT going thru that again. I had a part time job, in line with my profession, unfortunately though, they don't have any work for me at this moment. 

I want my life back!   

Thanks for listening!

Melodee

Oh Melodee,

I'm sorry you had such a horrible experience. You handled it a lot better then I would have. But what you felt IMO was an adrenaline rush. What happened to you happens to me a lot. Sudden feeling is so overwhelming its scary to no end. And lasts for so long. But adrenaline is more common to us anxiety/pa people then you think. It kicks in when the anxiety starts and then goes full force when the PA kicks in. Which is one reason we can "freak" out so bad.

But it was your body ready to defend itself if needed. Which is what it is supposed to do. But us anxiety/pa people don't know or understand how to use this "rush" as nature intended instead we get over anxious and upset. Instead of going into defense mode as most people would.

You did great in that situation. Even though you felt out of sorts. I wouldn't of handled it so well. I'm very much a verbal person. I think its the fault of my irish/indian back ground. (hey if you have to blame someone blame the parents. hahaha)

I get those overwhelming feelings when I have a PA while driving. I totally get "werided" out. I can make it home. But the rest of the day is shot. Its one of the reasons I don't drive anymore. I can't handle the PA's very well when driving as I can't focus worth a darn.

/justmy2cents

Hi Melodee and everyone who's commented. I'm just feeling really anxious now and need to write but it may not make much sense. I'm not working either due to my current anxiety/depression. It gets me so down that I'm doing this again and can't seem to see my way out of it. So I know what you mean about feeling like you've found freedom and then this happening again. It sucks! so what can we do? Right now I'm feeling very bad but my parents are here visiting and it's 8am and I've been awake and stewing for hours but I'll go out and talk to my dad and then go for a walk and then see about the rest of my day. i wish you luck with yours too

Percycat,

Thank you so much for your support! I was verbally abused when growing up and I think that has had effect on how I handle these confrontations. It takes weeks for me to get over it. I couldn't return to the store and I've avoided shopping there for a few days. I wish it didn't take me so much time to let go of these feelings. I know I will eventually, it just makes me depressed afterwards. (Who wouldn't be? I know...sigh). I'll try to focus on more positive things though. Thanks again!

Allestaria,

Thank you so much for your support! I've been dealing with this anxiety and panic for so many years and I feel stupid that there are days when I can't handle the symptoms well. Sigh... Thanks for explaining about the defense mechanism etc. I should start rereading my self-help books again. I definitely need them right now!

Aries,

Thank you so much for the reply and encouragement! You are right that I should not think myself as a weak person for having anxiety. And I want to believe that nothing is wrong with me, it's only my body reacting...but I always come back to the same place...feeling miserable and dysfunctional. If I had a job, it would be different. I love work, it keeps me motivated. I hope we both can find a job soon!! We will get well soon!!

Grizzly,

Your post made perfect sense my friend! I am sorry you are not doing well...I hope you are feeling a little better today. You are not alone and we're going to get better! Hang in there!

 

It will get better Grizzly. I've been on the anxiety roller coaster for a few years now and I'm finally starting to feel some relief again. I feel like because of my recent experiences with anxiety I am now better equipped to deal with it, should it ever rear its ugly head in the future. Just remember, everytime you go through these rough times you gain experience and knowledge that will help you. The Prozac should be kicking-in in a few days. Hang in there. Hope you feel better soon.

Roger is totally right about gaining experience and knowledge every time we have to go through rough times. I must be really smart, then. It's true, though.

Time will heal and so will courage and medication. Thank goodness for medication!

Hi melodee, how are you going? I remembered yesterday as I drove past the place where I had a car accident, that after the guy ran up the back of my car he then abused me about it and it was absolutely awful. I thought of you when I drove past that spot, and remembered how anxious that guy made me feel. he was just so rude to me when he was the one at fault. he accused me of driving badly (go figure) and then demanded my personal details. For quite a while i was convinced he would come past my house and harrass me. So i have an idea of how it was for you when the guy was sooo rude in the supermarket.
I find the mornings so hard, just so agitated. I'm not very good at being patient and waiting for the Prozac to work! it helps coming here to the forum so thanks everyone. I really appreciate this contact xx

Thanks Melodee, that's what my husband told me this morning. It's hard to believe we can get through this, when we're in those bleak moments tho isn't it? But right now at this moment in time I'm feeling ok (thanks valium!) and so i know that life can be good and yes i'll get better. I definitely don't want to quit the meds because others i've tried don't work. I've used this one before so i just have to hang in there. Your words help me to do that. thank you thank you thank you xx