OCD is ruining my life.

Hello,

I found this forum and I really hope someone can offer some advice and help.  I have always have anxiety issues but a hiv scare has put me completely over the edge.  I got a negative test back but I still can't get over it.  I find myself thinking about all the "whit ifs" every waking hour.. like, what if the doctor sent in the wrong kind of test, what if I am one of those people that takes longer than the rest to show up positive, what if I need one more test to be sure, what if I do have it, do I really want to know? etc.   I am constantly online searching for more info and I am constantly obsessing.

I know why this has affected me so badly, it's because I can't get over the guilt of being stupid and putting myself at risk.  I feel like I must have it because I deserve to be punished. 

All I want to do is get on with my life and I just can't.  I am stuck in a prison inside my head and I can't tell anyone because I am too ashamed of what I have done in my past. 

Please help. :(

Thank you very much for your kind words.

This is so hard for me and I get so frustrated because I can't understand why my mind is doing this. Had I received negative results to any other serious health issue I could move on without issue. I wake up every day and tell myself "No googling hiv today" and I sometimes can make it for a few hours but then the OCD takes over and I feel as if I have to check things or call a hotline to ease my mind. I wonder if this is normal and others have been through the same thing? Feeling as though their test must be an error... that's why I am here. It is so nice to see I am not alone.

I know I have to come to terms with the fact that my OCD is the problem not HIV but my mind (the irrational part) will not win this battle.

I have tried Wellbutrin and it made things go into overdrive and I had full on panic attacks when the HIV thoughts came. I am quite sensitive to medication and often experience all the bad side effects.

StKitt, I will think of your words when the bad thoughts come. I really hope for some peace. Everything else in my life is wonderful but this has been taking over for 8 months now.