9 years and i am about to quit...im sick of this..............

 

Im sorry to bore all of you with my story, but im in the breaking point..i cant take this anymore....i have had panic disorder for the last 9 years, due to my stupid cocaine use back when i was in my early 20's now im 34 finding myself more and more isolated from society.

I have always been the life of a party, i talk to anybody i see, i like having fun like most people...just that since this desease from hell came upon me, i have not had a good month since then...i have all to blam my self for having it..i was out alot in miami south beach in early 90s...just wanted to part of the in croud...but once i had almost OD one night, after that i never touched it again...2 ears went buy, and one day i was a bit hangover, i started having the same feeling as i did the day i had OD...from then on i went to the hospital..after hospital emergency thinking i was dying from having a couple a beers the night earlier and it became my living hell that i discovered after many so called experts i have panic disorder.

I was put on antianxiety pills and never left them, in the begining it was great, i felt good, but then i got so used to them that i felt that i stoped taking them i would have panic attacks again...so it was a catch 22...i cannot stop taking them for the last 9 years...

I am a smoker, and i still have my beers, but everymorning after i have drinks i get that feeling again that everybody knows...so im stuck...i cant go out and have beers and come home later then usual because next morning i will get the feeling and then instead of 1 pill i take 2 pills...then i become a zombie cant do anythinhg and im scared of leaving my house or going to work  and i need somebody nearby incase the panic is too much to know they can take me to the hospital in wich case it does not solve anything because i live in africa at the moment and there is no hospitals that can take care of my disorder....

so most people will say why dont you just stop drinking? makes sense right....problem i feel so good when i have beers i forget about the painic, i feel myself again, i feel free,i feel confidant, i feel strong,i feel happy....

so im stuck, either stop having my beers and live a depressed, quiet life, and anti social life where nothing appeals to me anymore...i am not maried or have kids, i did have a bad marriage for 5 years but that was over..and made it worse also...i just feel lonely and no where to run.....

or the other way is to keep having my beers at night and next day live the panic that makes me regret the night before...can u tell i am so confused and lost...

i cry in my bed at night asking  why do i have this, and the other night im friends with everybody....i just want to go away this feeling...if it dosent i really dont know where it may lead too....im just so lost....thanks for reading the post this is the first time i do something like this but i need to spill the guts..dont know if it solved...but hey...try something different!

What is happening in my opinion is you keep having this repeat depression and panic because of the alchohol. Alchohol is a depressant. I really think you need to get in with your doctor and get on meds and stop the drinking. Good luck!

Melodee,

It's quite common because it works for most people, or at least it seems to at the time. When they are hurting and are desperate sometimes people cannot see the forest for the trees. Really hard to blame them; ideally they would live and learn that alcohol really isn't a good answer to any psychological or behavioral issue. It will usually only backfire on them later. But at that moment, yeah, it dulls the pain. Combine that with poor access to health care and a number of other factors, and it's pretty clear why liquor stores are profitable enterprises.

To the original poster, I think you know that drinking is only making it worse. It's going to be hard, but I think if you'll quit you'll find yourself doing better in a couple weeks or so. Hopefully you stick around here.

Thank you guys for your responses, i know it is incorrect to drink while on anxiety pills actually what i take is illegal in the united states from the fda it is called OLCADIL made by NOVARTIS and i take 2mg a day or a pill...and sometimes when i really get panicky i take 2 its CLOXAZOLAM the main ingredient, it comes from Brazil, i am sorry for so many mispelled words, since english is not my first language.

I really wish i could stop with this medicine but i feel if i quit this i will get more panic attacks...so i feel i cant stop, it has been 9 years of taking this medicine, my doctor back in brazil also said it was ok to drink with this medicine as long i did not abuse the night before, he did say if i had any chance of cure i would have to take anti depressants...but meaning i would not be able to drink, im not an alchoolic or anything, i just like the feeling of having a couple beers at night wich makes me feel normal, and not think about my disorder, but as we all know it does not help in the morning and then i take 2 pills to stop the attack from coming...

Here in sub sahara africa i work high investment sales, i have been doing this for 14 years now..i have been over 40 countries in the world and lived in about 14 of them..mostly invesmtent 3rd world countries or areas, so i never really had a true doctor, since im 6 months here and 6 months there, and i deal with a great deal with clients that you need to socialize and go out to dinners...,etc...

So i cant have time for this disorder, or go antidepressants, its funny writing this i now what i am doing wrong but i am just so used to doing things this way that it seems normal....

If i could find away for this disorder to go away, and at the same time keep my habbits that would be perfect, but i guess there is no way is there...

I will stop the alchool and see if the disorder stops, i wont be able to find anti depressants here and i really dont feel like taking them, but i have to go to england in may so ill talk to a doctor then...but ill try just on these pills ill take and see if anything changes...

I see everybody writing in the forum, but the answer we all want is what is the cure??? is there any??? i mean i see people putting tons of medicine they take...but it just dosent seem correct...are we the choosen ones to live this hell for the rest of our lifes...

i dont wont to be a downer here...but it just seems so unfair and im personaly so tired of this...sometimes...i do wish it would be a heart attack and let me die...then i would be in peace for once....im sorry..as you can see im just tired of this mess.....

Well, it's not good to drink while on benzodiazepines and that's what it looks like you're on (in part anyway). I think it would be good for you to stop with the alcohol because the combination of the two really will make it difficult for you to get better. And you also have your liver to think about. These two things together are very hard on the liver. So I'm glad to hear you're going to stop that.

There are two advantages to the benzodiazepines. One, they work for almost everybody. Many drugs are hit and miss but it seems benzos are as close to universally effective as it gets. Two, they are widely available all over the world and generally inexpensive. There are drawbacks to benzos but I'm sure you're aware of what those are.

It must be hard having this problem in particular with the job you have. My hat is off to you for dealing with it this long. I do think you're going to get better, though.

I'll just go ahead and come out with the bad news. I don't think many people are really cured from anxiety disorders. But the good news I myself have gotten a LOT better and I've seen many others get better, too.

Medication is part of the answer, but you also have to make time to put in some more work. I'd recommend the moodgym CBT that's talked about on here. It's free. What anxiety does over time (to put things in simple terms) is to warp your thought patterns in such a way that makes you more susceptible to anxiety and panic. You have to change that and form a bunch of new habits. You can do it, though.

If you put in the time and treat your body right, I'm pretty confident you can get better. Stick around here and you'll pick up some great pointers and lots of support when you need it.

Thank you Vanman and also debaser, you both have shown a light at the end of the tunnel...i thank you for taking your time to listen to me...ill keep fighting, and keep you guys posted in my battle...and i want to also thank this forum, i took me years to find something that i can have people to share my experiences and understand the problem that we have...today is the first step for me and a new step to start my life!

I completely understand!!! I was on .............10 years ago and after about a year or 2 of being clean, BAM, here comes the attacks that make me feel worse that the dope did!!............hi and welcome to hw..i edited out a word in your post in accordance with forum rules.......plz know this is a great support site and the ppl are just so friendly n helpful..stay with us i know you will not regret it...tk care...lyn

Post Edited By Moderator (Howlyncat) : 1/14/2010 3:24:34 PM (GMT-7)

Sending good wishes your way!

just wondering how you are doing..lyn