Sick Of Anxiety

Well I'm sure many people here know the feeling of being sick of anxiety lasting day after day, but seriously lately it's been so stressful.

I used to post a lot on another site and they randomly started deleting my topics which were about everyday things.   They ignored me when I asked why and eventually they banned me.  lol  Thus I'm here because I've gone years without posting on an anxiety site and I know constantly telling people about my problems on regular sites is even more likely to push them away because they're not there for that reason.

My recent high level of anxietyis due to several things.  I'm 33 and never lived anywhere other than with my parents until a couple months ago.  I also haven't even had a real job (and still don't).  I took a huge step by moving into an apartment now and it's been hard adjusting due to loneliness and boredom.  I have a vision problem and don't drive, but I'm within walking distance of everything I need.

I guess I've been doing a lot of "what if" thinking lately.  I'll have disturbing dreams or start fearing not having "proper feelings".  For example I've even become uncomfortable around my parents, yet I'm missing them and wanting to talk to them.  I feel like I must have something I'm not letting go of in the past because I get upset easily when they give advice.  I think they're criticizing me.  Yet I do want advice from them.

So a lot of contradicting feelings and me fearing that if I feel uncomfortable around someone in means I don't love them or something.  They annoy me easily lately and I wish it didn't feel that way.  And my dad recently had a heart attack so I wish I could just feel comfortable around them again.  I think also my body wants me to forget them since it reminds me I don't live there now.  Maybe.

Also a lot of things about living in an apartment are stressing me also.  And fear I won't make myself get a job in time to keep affording being here.

ANYWAY I've spent years trying CBT to various extent, I try most everything I think I need to do, all psychologists have helped virtually zero, and I'm not taking an antidepressant unless I'm just flat out forced to as I don't believe in them and don't intend to go through the side effects as I've tried before.  I do take a low dose of klonopin/clonazepam though.

I ended up on here because I was reading a topic discussing Panic Away and the Linden method.  I would have replied in that, but I just felt like I needed to write a lot of this.

Everyone always says I have to get through this myself since nobody else can do it for me and I guess that's true and scary.  What annoys me lately is that it takes almost literally nothing to make me fill with panic and all the CBT in the world would not stop it too well.  Then I think well if I have this many changes in mood over anything how could I ever go to a job every day when it feels like I can't make it through a day?

edit:  by the way now it's hours later and I feel great.  That always puzzles me how often I can feel good before going to bed and thenw ake up horrible sometimes.  I haven't gone to bed yet as I sometimes sleep weird hours.  So i try to figure out why I feel so good late.  I did take the klonopin, but it's such a low dose over so long of using it I doubt that's the whoel reason.  I take a relaxing bath before going to bed.  I did move around some so maybe that little exercise helped.  I don't know, but I wish I could begin toe xplain how much in reverse it is.  It's not bipolar, but rather just somehow the anxiety vanishes many times close to bed time.  If I could ever wake up feeling this good it would be easy to stay happy.

Post Edited (NightOwl33) : 4/9/2010 9:49:19 AM (GMT-6)

Hi, NO!
Are you a man or a woman if I may ask? In many ways you sound like me. I have GAD, which is thankfully, under control! I am 45, still live with my mom (dad died in 1998). I am on disability and have never held a real job either. I tag along with my mom when she goes to clean offices and I help her, but am not paid...that would make it a "job"...my shrink knows about it and says that I am not to worry cuz it is an extension of my helping out mom and if it were a job of my own, I couldn't do it. Anyway, just like to let that be known so that no one feels I'm "cheating" disability! Mom and I are what they call "co-dependents". The funny thing is that as I've grown older, she relies more on me and I rely on her less. However, she's "the boss" and it drives me crazy, but I am also terrified of alienating her by distancing myself any! It's no way to live, but I've become reconciled with it. I was in therapy for years and I was unable to get over that "hump". I am on meds for the anxiety and depression and they help a LOT. I probably would've eventually killed myself somehow if I hadn't gotten any relief. For me it was like constant torture day after day. I am not "proud" to be on antidepressants, but I'm not ashamed of it either. I have diabetes and if I had to take insulin to live, so be it. ADs get a lot of negative commentary, but there's ALWAYS two sides to a story. If you are against them, that is certainly your right and your choice. I only ask you to explore the subject, rather than just decide against them because of having heard some negative stories perhaps (I'm not saying you haven't done so, just saying this in case) I've known some people that lives were changed for the good after getting on meds (like ME!) I know some haven't liked being onthem...didn't like the way it made them feel. For me, it is a choice between either feeling like I can survive fairly well on ADS or suffer constantly w/o them. I'll take the ADs! Some have stopped ADs because it made them gain weight. I'm overweight quite a bit, but would choose being fat anyday over being skinny and miserable. Each person has to find out what they will/can live or not live with. I'm not criticizing anyone that makes different choices than mine. I just say to be open-minded before making any major decisions.
You've stumbled upon a very caring community here. I do not come here much any more, but do drop in sporadically. I've never found a better bunch of people for discussing anxiety with! They are wonderful, particularly Kitt and Howlyncat! They ROCK!
All the best to you! :)
janetlee

TY for the compliment Jl sure appreciated
good to see you again hun
keep well n keep supporting ppl here
huggs
lyn

Thanks for the responses and encouragement.

I'm a man. I think sometimes that makes me even more frustrated when statistics show a lot more women suffer from it than men. Of course some think men may just not report it as easily.

The reason I try to stay away from the meds is because they're not like a normal med for a cold. I've tried several and got the such horrible initial side effects I couldn't deal with them. I know the whole deal about how you're supposed to stick with them, but I'm not sticking with something that makes me think weird thoughts, have such bad panic it's much worse than ever before without the meds, sexual side effects, etc... I am affected so easily by meds so it doesn't take much to give me bad effects.

That's why I say if I just had no other choice would be the only way anymore. Also since I know I have got through this before and felt quite good for years at a time without the meds it's harder to feel like I should risk the side effects when I've got through it before. Possible suicidal thoughtsisn't something to mess with unless you already feel close to suicidal I would say.

Like I said earlier I was looking at the thread on here about linden method vs. panic away andas usual it looks like those help, but don't come close to curing anything despite the claims on the sites that people are "immediately" totally cured and never have any more panic etc etc.

Something is really going on in my sleep. Today my parents came by and brought me some stuff without knowing I was asleep. So they woke me up when they knocked on the door. I felt so good then as i had been having a great deep peaceful sleep. I was thankful that my parents cared to bring me food and were in a good mood. I went back to bed and sure enough I woke up later feeling orrible and had dreams where I was ARGUING with my parents. Right after I went to bed feeling happy about them.

So I personally believe a lot of times when I wake up feeling bad I had bad dreams about someone without remembering the dreams and that may be why I'm uncomfortable around my parents in recent months. I feel on edge around them and then I get very mad at myself since I know they love me and I don't want to feel uncomfortable around them.

Thanks, I'll check that out. I've tried st. john's wort in the past and I was never sure if it helped or not. When I got out my depression at that particular time I was using it so it COULD have been part of what helped me.

I thought of taking it now, but doctors got me so assuming it won't work that I didn't use it again. My actual medical doctor said some studies show it does help some people. But I mentioned that to a psychologist (granted a psychologist who made me uncomfortable and I stopped going to him) and he said it can't possibly help. I said well my medical doctor siad it's possible it could. Then he acted all insulted that I didn't believe him that it's impossible to help.

I try my best to stop overanalyzing, but wow is it ever tough. I wake up thinking about many many things. I was even thinking about what I was going to post on here while I was in bed. It's like I have to be planning everything out and I wish it would stop. I wonder if anyone knows what you can even do to try to make the thoughts stop spiraling when just lying in bed. I thought if I think of a happy thought it will help, but then I realize I don't even KNOW of a thought that makes me happy. I can't even remember the happy moments in my childhood easily because I guess I dwelled on the ones I didn't like.

I guess what makes me frustrated the most is knowing how good Ihave felt before though. That's why I don't want to think I won't get much better. I know I've been much better than this before. But also now I'm kind of worried I'll go crazy because although panic advice always says you can't go crazy from a panic attack it says you can go crazy slowly over many years and then I think well I'm thinking much crazier in recent years so what if that happens.

Sometimes I just get sick of even thinking about it. It's frustrating because of how I have pulled myself out each time and yet somehow I still eventually am pulled down by the same things. Once I'm pulled down THEN I'll seem to feel bad sometimes for no apparent reason. But in the beginning there's always a reason. The reason this time is that I lived with my parents too long and I am not adjusting pefectly to living by myself.

I guess I feel a loss even though I can see them often. In the past when I was broken up on by girlfriends I had to make myself hate them to evn get over losing them. So I wonder if my brain is trying to make me mad at my parents for no reason to try to get me to feel like I've had no loss. Or maybe I'm just so tense over my changes that I feel nervous around anyone.

It's amazing how good I feel when I do get through things eventually though. Nothing bothers me much. I don't get bothered by bad news stories anymore if I'm not depressed to begin with, for example.

And yeah I definitely keep waiting around for someone ELSE to make me happy. I keep not dating because I am so full of anxiety and also figuring I will get attached to someone right off due to me feeling a need to be in a relationship. I don't really know how to take responsiblity for happiness I guess. And also I'm mad that I never feel how I want to as far as religion, but I know people don't want to get into that publicly, but if anyone happens to be Christian they can talk to me privately about it because just like with my parents I panic that I don't "feel" how I think I should.

It is very frightening what can be done with info you post up on sites imho
but its not all bad dont sweat it

lyn

Hi
i think you hv basically answered your own question
when you are kept busy you have a good day so try n keep self occupied n out of the house more that way you know you are out n about n not in being lonely
Anxiety does not discriminate against the sexes imho just more men keep it all bottled up n thats not good
Think about as young men you are told crying is a sign of weakness you are expected to be strong one n so on moreso in our day then now i believe
a man is a man if he can show true feelings n crying is in there
emotions are meant to be expressed not locked up n hidden away for whatever reason
that is my belief

try n get out every day make yourself do it if only for a short time
this seems to help you so i would suggesst keeping at it
tk care
lyn

I don't know what to think anymroe. I had bad dreams and violent images come in my mind and I started panicking. Some people have siad it's normal to think horrible things when you have anxiety or OCD and then others think it's scary and could mean I would do something apparently. I've never hurt anyone. I would have to be crazy to do that. But horrible images come in my mind sometimes. I'm starting to think that klonopin is more dangerous than people think and is making me think those weird things and I've taken it for years so I don't know how to get off of it in any short time so it may take a while to even KNOW if it was the med doing it. But I don't really recall thinking horrible things before taking the emd the past few years. I keep trying to fight it and think happy thoughts and thigns still creep into my mind. But I don't know if it's as simple as intrusive thoughts or if it means something. :(