Needing Approval

You have to learn to trust yourself to make these decisions. And people all have different views on things. Even if somebody critisizes you, doesn't make them right. That is just their opinion.

So learn to trust in your own ways of doing things. And learn to have confidence. A self help book might be the ticket for you.

Hugs, Karen

I totally agree with jl on this
dont sell yourself short n do give self credit where credit is due
i did as you for too many years and i burnt out trying to be all for everyone
now
i am what i am i am a good person n friend
that is what matters imho
lyn

yeah all therapists I went to just never helped. I went to at least 5 different ones. None ever gave me any sort of exercises to do or seemed to use CBT exactly as far as the anxiety/depression goes. And then codependency was mentioned, but they just never seemed to do much to get me to figure out how to stop it.

I know there are some reasons to be happy with myself that I've taken various steps, but after years of on and off increases in how bad I feel it's so frustrating that my mind still doesn't have my body react differently. I feel like I know how I should be thinking yet somehow I still don't feel properly and it's maddening that after years I'll still do some of the same things.

I try to figure out how to properly balance where I'm not codependant, yet not pushing away my parents or whoever else either.

Good Morning NO,


I understand exactly what you are talking about.


Everyone needs to hear that they are doing a good job and that they are appreciated. We feel good when someone shows us love and approval, but that can go to far. I have heard this need for approval called Approval Addiction. We have a fear of letting others down.

First of all, an addiction is something that controls people — it is something they feel they cannot live without, or something they feel driven to do in order to relieve pressure, pain, or discomfort of some kind.


Signs of Approval Addiction:

You consider yourself a people pleaser

You are overly responsible and take on the responsibilities of others

You say "yes" when you know you should say "no"

You depend on others' approval to determine your self-worth

You fear rejection or conflict

Even when you are doing well, it's not enough

If you do something that someone else doesn't approve of, you feel guilt or stress

I have most of the above and I do work with my therapist. She reminds me to ask myself what I really want to do, rather than what others would like me to do.

Be good to yourself and remember guilt is a wasted emotion. Here is a mantra I found that may work for you, “I Am Who I Am . . . Flaws and All . . . and I Am Awesome!”



Gentle Hugs,

<B>Kitt
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NO,
I wish that I had had the gumption to do things even if it made my mom mad. I never did and still don't and I'm middle-aged now! I resent her for it in many ways, but I realize that she didn't set out to make me afraid to disobey, at least, not to the extent I am!
My mom grew up with a very very very abusive mother and mostly absent father. Her mom would literally beat her and her siblings until they bled. She once took three big peach tree switches, braided them together, and whipped my mom and uncle until they were bleeding all over. Mom was probably 4 and her brother 3. She and her sibs were abused mentally and physically. Mom was able to forgive her mom because she knew that her mom had been extremely abused herself...it is often that way...a vicious cycle. Mom's mom didn't show affection much either, but my mom did show affection to me and my sister, but is not demonstrative to many others. Thankfully she didn't become an abuser like her mom. However, like her mom, she could be manipulative. Anyhow, what I'm getting at is that people often parent the way they were parented, at least to an extent. maybe your mom wasn't hugged as a child. Maybe YOU could hug her and tell HER that you love her. I hug my mom and tell her I love her. actually, I am a hugger to all my friends! :)
I truly believe in the Golden Rule: Treat others how you want to be treated. Many times, you will get the same treatment back! :) And if you don't, you'll still feel good about yourself because you did the right thing!
jl

I feel sad that you feel this way i really do i think you have to dig deep what do you think is making you feel like this n why
are you on meds for depression
nothing is hopeless my friend there is always an answer work with us let us in n hopefully we can help you see the light at end of tunnel
it seems you really need approval and especially your parents
are they approachable to talk about how you are feeling
try not to waste a day w/o hugging your mom n dad
i lost both in last 2 yrs and its the worst feeling ever i miss them so much
i hope you continue to post as more of you is coming out each time and imho that is good and we can start helping with ideas
huggs
lyn

No, Lyn. I just take klonopin for anxiety and I remember a listed side effect for that is depression so it makes it even harder to ever figure out whether the med is helping or hurting. For instance years ago I took buspar and when I decided to stop taking it I suddenly felt like something lifted off of me and I felt much better. It's always hard to tell and I wouldhate to get off of something and it end up that I eneded it. As far as antidepressants I don't trust them due to the beginning effects I had on any I tried and also always reading about people having things such as brain zaps when getting off of them. Risking effects such as those or suicidal thoughts outweighs the slight chance they could help because I would panic and never feel better at all if I had those symptoms.

janetlee, I know, but apparently me knowing it in my brain doesn't change much in how I feel. I feel like I'm wasting my time with them and at the same time as me having this apparent resentment I also miss living with them and am all panicky thinking when they ever die I would die too from sadness. And in the past a big reason i pulled out of these depressions was talking to my mom and playing basketball in the backyard. Well now I can't play basketball here unless I join the athletic club and I can only talk to my parents on the phone and they've run out of much to say because they don't know anything else to tell me and so I just keep feeling down. Doesn't help that all the therapists I went to did almost nothing for me either.

Well, but accepting it means I know I will emotioanlly hurt them because if I'm feeling so nervous about them and scared about it then I'm obviously more one dge and they can even ask me a normal question and me still snap at them because I'm such a mess that I can't even talk normally to them when I'm feeling that way.

As far as therapists, I don't blame them for why I am feeling as I feel, but I think they shouldn't be making money if they don't really say or do anything. It's not that they gave me all these things to try and they didn't work, they pretty much did nothing other than me talk to them and in fact they gave me weird advice. One told me to have sex with a ******.

That is a genuine offer of support n help reach out hun
lyn

NO,


I was first dx in 1982 and I have had long spells, years and years where I have done well with a bit of anxiety over-riding but mostly able to do all I wanted to. I have always worked and raised 4 children, seen my husband through 4 major surgeries and lost a child to a car crash.



So I have my struggles but the good far outweighs the bad. It is a disorder like others that you must learn to live with and occasionally you need to go in for an oil change or a new attitude............which is what I do. I try to be honest about my feelings without making life all about me. I will admit I have had mostly good therapists and the one that just sat and visisted did not last long as I recognized it was not helping me.



I have a long history of a verbally abusivie step-mom but I am learning to believe in who I am and not who she said I was.



So today is a not so good day for me and I shall write down my goals for what I am going to do tomorrow to make things better.



Blessings,



Kitt

Now I took an extra klonopin yesterday and today I feel kind of angry, it seems. That's why I say it's hard to tell if meds help or hurt because when you start thinking various ways you can't assume it's a disorder when it very well could be the meds. Meds are known to cause side effects such as agitation and anger and weird thoughts and so is depression and anxiety. Like I said before when I came off of buspar years ago I felt much better with no meds than I did on buspar as it was draining my energy and that probably increased my agitation too. This is just yet another reason I hate meds because then you can't know what's causing various things.

Yeah, but as far as the med it comes down to is it helping me with anything. I'm having a lot of anxiety lately which is the only thing klonopin can even help so if I'm taking a med, still having anxiety, then being unsure if some other thigns I'm feeling are side effects or if they would be happening without the med it's hard to justify keep taking it. I definitely recall better times than the past couple years and so that makes me think it may not be helping anything to justify taking on the effects. The tough part is not knowing for sure what's causing each symptom i have lately.

My anxiety greatly increases now as I think "what if the med is causing this". Because if it truly is the problem then the emd is actually giving me more of what it's supposed to be taking away, thus no justification in even taking it.