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Posted 4/13/2010 11:52 PM (GMT 0)
Well I hope something ends up helpingthe neuropathy. Most of these things... nobody can know how it is unless they have it themselves. With my mom I try to not even think about it because it's depressing to me that so many people have to go through all these things. I forget if I mentioned that my dad had a heart attack a couple weeks ago, but yeah... worrying about somethign happening to my parents adds even more depressiona nd anxiety obviously.

I think my mom still takes lyrica too. Apparently anythign related to nerves is tricky because I'm legally blind due to an optic nerve issue and it seems like more and more problems start having solutions EXCEPT thigns regardign nerves or anxiety or depression which are all what I have. lol

Oh as far as the klonopin I never was scared of that one since it's different and I've been tkaing it for years. But I never raised the dose and it's extremely small. When I take it I feel a tiny bit better, not worse. But when I have certain symptoms later I never am sure if it's due in any way to the med. Because it could be that my body wants more klonopin and that could be causing issues too... who knows.

Also when I tried an ssri the last time (lexapro) I convinced myself it was NOT going to cause me problems and would finally be a med that would help. Well I didn't have the sexual side effects and I don't recall having more anxiety, but I started thinking weird thigns such as I could controll my computer with my tv remote and even medical doctors have told my mom before for her to stop taking any antidepressant if she started thinking weird things. One time my mom was cooking something on the stove and thought to ehrself "it wouldn't be a big deal if I touch this burner with my hand". She didn't touch it, but just having thatw eird of a thought scared her and her doctor told her not to take the meds. SSRIs just aren;'t a "normal" med and do weird things really to everyone at some point or another, so I try my best to somehow handle things without them. I really hope I figure something out because feeling crappy and not trusting the meds for it is not a good situation.
Posted 4/14/2010 3:58 AM (GMT 0)
btwm as an fyi I was just feeling perfect a little while ago and had not yet taken the klonopin. So it had been 24 hours since I took it and I suddenly felt great. But like I said I tend to feel great at night anyway. But it's still tough knowing if it could be related to the med being more out of my system or not (it leaves your system fast, but of course you cans till have withdrawal symptoms).

Anyway so now I just took it and I don't feel any better. about the same or slightly worse. So I'm just not so sure taking it does anything positive at all. But a dr can't magically tell me either as only I can figure it out I guess.
Posted 4/14/2010 8:12 AM (GMT 0)
When my daughter came home one day almost a year ago from school she found me in a seizure from there i was in hospital i am completely deaf from the nerve issues
i just spoke with doc today and am gtg have the nerves in ear connecting ears to brain to be cut as i have a constant horrid rushing thru head at most times
sometimes it is so loud it is horrible..i have never used the med your on but i take ativan n diazepam but still with meds i have to work on self too with therapy
i dont like therapists much lol n i think they know it so i really need someone that is willing to make Me work n i hv to put my all into it
i do cognitive behavioural therapy as well as my meds and i find i can talk more with my family doc more than i can any other doc
each time you post you are letting us get to know more of you n thats a good thing imho so keep posting n coming here we will be here k
huggs
lyn
Posted 4/15/2010 5:50 AM (GMT 0)
That sucks you've had to go through so much. It's depressing that people have to have all these various things happen. And then on my end I feel like I should be happy because I have far less serious PHYSICAL issues, but the stupid anxiety pulls me down just as if I did have something major going on.

I hope your therapy ends up helping more and more. I guess CBT helps me somewhat more and more. But as far as actual therapists... I like them as people but they never seem to even suggest anything to me except stupid things. Like I said the one therapist told me to go have sex with **********s or strangers. lol

By the way I had a GREAT day today and very very little anxiety. The only anxiety I had was due to worrying about "what if something bad happens to me" type of thinking.

I was gone all day so finally got out of this apartment. I went to group therapy and that was pretty good. i already was in a good mood before that though. Then my dad took me to my parents' house and all those little annoying things my parents do... they didn't annoy me much whatsoever and I got along great with them and felt great.

Now if only my brain would REMEMBER IT. My problem as far as my parents is that I'll have some bad dream or some negative thought about my parents' past actions then BOOM I start thinking bad thigns or I think "what if I dont love them" and all this crap like that when today was a perfect example of what BS that is. I think it's the depression and anxiety itself leading to me getting annoyed at my parents far too easily and then I think I dont like my parents when in reality if I was in a mood like today I see them for their positives!

So hopefully if I think irrational things about them again I will somehow remember how I felt today. But my brain seems to quickly forget it and when I remember... well I can remember it in my brain but the "feeling" disappears where I then think "did I really feel good or not?" and start thinking and analyzing my parents etc etc.

The main sad thing today though was leaving to come back to my apartment. I like peacefulness and when I was at their house it reminded me how nice it is not to wonder if someone in an apartment hears me and also it felt so nice and secure and happy being with my parents and over here I obviously can't go talk to them any time I want like at their house.

So I basically miss them, miss living in a house vs. apartment, worry about things I cant change, need a job, etc. See today I knew I was going to that group thing and to my parents' house... so I had something TO DO. Other days I wake up and think why get out of bed... what do I have to do today? etc... So I really should join this athletic club and figure out how to get a job and maybe figure out some new hobby. Having things EXCITING to do cures my depression immediately. It's just hard to figure out new things to do that excite me. I always liked things which now bore me due to years of too much of them.
Posted 4/15/2010 2:30 PM (GMT 0)
I totally understand n i too hv to find ways of keeping busy if not on here i go for wals but its scary as i cant hear right]
i was so so outgoing n use to love life nature playing baseball ect hiking especially
now if i dont make self go out n do something i know all to well the dangers of becoming agoraphobic
n i dont want to live that way
YOU hv a good head on shoulders my friend n you hv to believe that n believe in your power to beat this or at least get a dang good grip on it ya know
Living on your own at first is hard bills rent food ect n RESONSIBILTY but you dont seem like you are type not to tk responsibilts lightly n i applaud you for that
Make youself a goal list for each day perhaps that will help i know it has me
i refuse to stop living even with all thats come my way
yes i hv a/p but im all the stronger for what ive gone thru n go thru
you will be too i just know it
my email is open

stay strong n know we care

huggs
lyn
Posted 4/15/2010 6:59 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks, Lyn. I also feel stronger due to what I've been through, but after a while I'm ready to go back to not going through it. I feel like hey I've learned enough for now I wish I would feel good. lol

I still haven't truly cooked myself a meal since being on my own. I eat sandwiches, frozen meals, fast food, or food relatives made. I can't make myself get in a habit of properly taking care of myself as I get all shaky at the thought of it for some reason.

Anyway I woke up feeling good again today, but then I've thought about some things about myself which aren't good and so I've been kind of depressed and feeling guilty and bad about myself for the past hour or so. I know everyone has problems or does things that aren't healthy choices, but I seem to do that way too much and have way too many issues to solve. I really badly want to be in a good relationship and i'm scared to even try to find the right woman because I'm worried about me not being able to handle it. Many people with anxiety seem to be married or dating, but they then usually tell everyone else not to date if you have anxiety.
Posted 4/15/2010 8:47 PM (GMT 0)
Take an inventory when you are feeling good write all your good qualities i already see some ....
then make a goal list n try to achieve that goal whether its to make self a nice lil meal n
then write a to do list
things you need to do for self

Also write a NOT TO DO list things not to do to self for self preservation reasons n to stop negativity

You can do this i hv faith in you
keep posting we are here

huggs
lyn
Posted 4/15/2010 8:54 PM (GMT 0)
Thanks. :)

Well others get annoyed with me easily. Especially online. As far as others are concerned I need to learn to manage anger better. That and me constantly complaining about my issues is what usually eventually annoys people. On the other anxiety site I kept posting about the same things and people got frustrated that I "wasn't trying" because in their eyes I would have already solved the issues if I was trying. So then they got rude.

I understand not everyone can be like me, but I know I've told online people advice and them not do it and I still don't get rude. I think the more I try to help someone the more they get mad though. lol I tried to help this girl from one site stop cutting herself and I expended a lot of energy because she was so emotional and then every time she felt bad she took it out on me and she never cared that I was trying to help anyway. Blah.

Anyway not sure where I'm going with this. I have a headache from thinking and looking at the comp too much today.
Posted 4/16/2010 3:22 AM (GMT 0)
i will post to you in am
i too am exhausted my friend
be well
huggs
lyn
Posted 4/16/2010 6:00 PM (GMT 0)
NO,
People were always telling me, online and otherwise, that I needed to "do this and do that". I wanted to do the things they were telling me, but I could never find the strength or the courage. I'm sure they thought I was pathetic and stupid...but God knows I've done the best I can do. Some of my issues stem from my relationship with my mom, whom I live with (always have). As I grew more independent-feeling, she became more dependent on me. As I tried to get her to back off some, she'd be emotionally wounded and would call herself awful names and would cry and so on. She would look at me like you would look at someone that kicked a newborn kitten. I just couldn't deal with it, so I'd always end up apologizing, taking the blame for everything and reassuring her that I was the one being an a**. She won't go anywhere w/o me, except the hairdresser. It's never "I have to go to so-and-so". It is "we have to go to so-and-so". She rules the house with her OCD issues causing her to control the kitchen, laundry, and most of the cleaning. Some people think I have it made, but it is a hollow feeling to know you can't do anything in your own home w/o another's consent. Is this hard for me to deal with? YES. But the alternative is even worse, so I do deal with it. I've had people tell me "I don't know how you stand it!" I tell them that it's either deal with it or be so scared of hurting my mom (which in turn hurts me probably worse than it actually does her!) I just can't take it and never could, so here I am now. I am nearly 46 with mom telling me what to do as if I'm 12 years old. You are fortunate that at least you have your own place.
Anyhow, I'm not telling you or anyone else this to try and get them to tell me what to do. The only answer is not even a consideration for me. So I have learned to deal with it, just like we deal with anything else we can't change. You may never be able to change the things that are bothering you. I hope you can and do, but even if you can't and/or don't, at least here people will accept you for how you are. That's why I like it here on HW.
jl
Posted 4/16/2010 11:13 PM (GMT 0)
It definitely helps that people have been nice to me here. but I've been online so many hours for 15 years that it's hard to even think straight about it and appreciate it as much as if it were in person. I try to appreciate it lately as I would in person, but I'm so sick of all of my contact being online. Of course if I do post online at least I should appreciate those nice ones, such as at this site, as compared with the blank blanks who bash me on other sites. lol

I'e only been on my own for 2 and 1/2 months out of my 33 years. I kept feeling like you in that I had no choice. My parents kept telling me over and over and over and over I needed to get a job and I kept having to tell them how much anxiety I had and I bet if not for my vision problem they even still would have tried even harder to get me out.

but at least it ended up where I was able to move out without it being due to forced or me being mad at them (well I was annoyed with them some though). But since I live in an apartment it's still not total freedom since I keep being worried I will make too much noise or be disturbed by others doing so.

Really now at this point I think the main areas that hold me back are not having a job, not feeling confident religiously, and feeling guilty for things I've done during my life. Lately I've been so consumed with bad things about myself that I can barely do everyday things because I feel bad. I have to try to work myself through it, but the bottom line is I can't fix what I've done anyway.

In the past psychs told me my parents were dependant on me and that they truly didn;'t want me to move out even though they said they did. I don't know if thatw as true or not, but I told my parents it was said. And a couple years later I finally moved out and they've been very encouraging and haven't even suggested me moving back with them since the first week or two after I moved out. It's tough to feel like someone loves you if they don't beg you to stay and yet if they beg you to stay then they are holding someone back. lol It's hard to feel at peace.

So I don't know what you should do. You shouldn't feel like things can never change though. Somehow try to be happy currently and at the same time hope it does get better also. But easier said than done. Sometimes I tell my mom I don't know how I can live without myparents, but she asks what would I do when they die. So that's scary too. That's why I can't just keep believing I can;'t handle a job or I may be screwed when they die. Plus I may die from them dying anyway. I fear I will grieve to death. My mom says everyone gets over parents dying, but I dunno... I feel like it would kill me.

At least if I TRULY felt strong faith it would help, but that's not easy either for someone who wonders "what if" in negative ways all the time.

I don't know what to do anymore because I spend so much time wondering what if bad things happen to me and remembering my horrible choices in life that I don't even live my life properly... And fearing such things as death or having something bad happen when you feel bad all the time in life kind of makes no sense. (you as in me, not you) If I don't somehow better my life then I'm all panicking over losing something I'm not even letting be good to begin with.

Life is so confusing and I'm sick of feeling bad. I feel great for a couple days, but then guilt and fear pulls me back down.

i edited out a word
we have to be careful as young ppl read this site as well it is in the rules
ty for understanding
lyn

Post Edited By Moderator (Howlyncat) : 4/17/2010 4:05:36 AM (GMT-6)

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