New here-feeling isolated & alone & beyond help...

I've only <recently> acquired a computer and it has been a godsend... I feel like it was divine intervention; as I was at the end of a long & painful life and was seeing nothing, but a bleak future ahead; now I feel like there is hope on the horizon... I have lived with anxiety & depression most of my life... After all these years, I am feeling like I have paid my dues--I have survived, but is this living? " Existing" just doesn't cut it anymore for me... I have become a recluse and am estranged from family & friends... I want to reach out to people, but it is a struggle--just to go out in public and take care of daily tasks... This forum feels like a safe & friendly place to come to--for comfort & support... I hope it is, because isolation, depression & anxiety can eventually erode one's sanity & spirit--leaving one with emptiness & despair... I would appreciate any response... I need to know that I am not the only one struggling with my demons... take care all ... 

Hip,
I'm 45 and know what you're saying about not having lived yet. However, we just have to take life one day at a time and try to find the joys that each day can bring. It may not be the "joys" that we'd dreamed of as younger folks, but what's the use in crying over yesterday, today?
I'm not just saying this to you...I'm saying it just as much to myself.
Today was sort of an average day and I felt pretty tired, but when I take time to really reflect back on it, I recall some good things, such as:
Watching the bay under a cloudy sky and it was very beautiful in a dramatic sort of way.
I loved the feel of the wind which was blowing fairly fast and had a cool mist to it.
I remember seeing a cute little boy walking down the sidewalk with a vanilla ice cream cone in his hand and he was so happy with his treat! He was grinning ear-to-ear!
A friend was telling me and mom about how her daughter's cockatoo, "Lucy", bit her uncle's big toe and it left three marks on it...she wasn't saying it to be funny, Sooo I had to apologize for laughing (although secretly I was still laughing inside!)
Yes, today wasn't a day where anything tremendous happened, but if you look for them, you can often find good things in life, even in the bad times!
For example,
Back when I was first going for treatment of my anxiety (and it was BAAAAAAAD!!), I was sitting in the waiting room between my parents. I was so anxious that I felt like screaming and crying. BUT...there was this man in the lobby, also waiting to be seen by the psychiatrist, that was telling this other guy this tale about how he used to work as a photographer for Playboy and had made BIG money! They'd hire him back immediately if he wanted to go back... Now this poor fellow was obviously either lying through his teeth to impress the other guy or he was delusional (I believe it was the latter). Whatever the case, the guy that was listening seemed to be accepting the tall tale this dude was spinning! And the icing on the cake was that the storyteller had a bit of a speech impediment as well. Now I knew that my parents were listening (you couldn't help but hear!). My dad had this bit of a "blank" expression on his face (ahhh, must not appear to be the least bit aware of what's being said!) and my mom was fighting back an impulse to laugh, as was I and it was a very difficult situation to be in! My dad looks at me and mom innocently, as if to be too nice to find it amusing and mom and I are fighting to stay in control of our composure. The fellow was totally oblivious to us as he was just as enthralled with his story as everyone else was. I was glad because if not, he'd seen my mom get up and run to the bathroom in tears (of laughter). I was laughing quietly although I was shaking all over from anxiety and laughter!! That's one time when I was crying from fear and hilarity! What a tug-of-war! That man never knew the effect he had on me that day. The humor helped to diffuse some of the misery I felt! So you see, there was something even about that day to smile about! :)
And if I may add: I am NOT a cruel person who sits around ridiculing anyone, escpecially the disabled, but at that point in time, I was just as "out of it" in my own way as he was! And just the whole absurdity of it all was overwhelmingly funny to me! Just wanted to clarify!
So Hip, you keep on coming here and know that most everyone here knows to some extent, in one way or the other, what you go through. I know in my case that I've had some truly hard times and I'm afraid of a relapse, but I try not to think negatively.
No matter what, know that we really do care! I'm glad you finally got a pc! :)
jl

Since becoming deaf after hearing all my life n my kids are grown now i hv become more n more isolated
i so despise what anxiety n panic as well as the isolation has done to me
i was always outgoing laughing and had a great time even with a/p
now life has become a chore at times BUT know this you will get thru it i do daily n i find my best support right here..
keep posting plz n let us know how you are doing
ISOLATION...IS SOOOO LONELY N SAD FOR US/ ALL
HUGGS
LYN

I CANNOT BEGIN TO TELL YOU WHAT THIS SITE N THE PPL ON IT HAVE DONE FOR ME THRU MY YRS HERE......
i also started with some hearing loss n i was told it had to do with iv medications for pyoderma gangrenosum
i went thru so many deaths including both parents within a couple of yrs...the hubby left for another woman
my brain went on overload n daughter found me in seizure..from there life support
but MY God wasnt ready for me yet
when after some time n i came to in hospital i had no hearing at all

plus i suffer with memory loss and losing sight
i know there is so many others worse than i am so i really do count my blessings that i m still alive to try n help others
i really do feel your pain n frustration
STAY with us n know you are a person who matters to me and all others here
blessings
lyn

Make sure now that you hv puter you come here n be amongst those that do really understand
blessings n huggs
lyn

Just checking on how you r doing n hoping you keep us in the loop
we are here for you
huggs
lyn

SOOOOO glad u posted n yes we can get thru the dark days come here even when you dont want to n read the posts the great family atmosphere that is here n understanding
it truly does help get you thru so much of all we are dealt either by giving us input or new tools to use..sharing a smile anything to get out of the pit
glad you r with us ..truly
huggs
lyn

You have been really sweet and helpful posting to my messages, so I'm gonna try and see if I can't help a little here. I go through those same feelings, and have also been battling depression as well as anxiety for over 10 years now. It makes it hard to see past your problems when they mount up in your head and eat away at you.

Any of the friends you've pulled away from, do you think any of them deal with the same struggles as you? Maybe you could give one a call and just in a nutshell let them know you're having hard times, and really want to reconnect. When I was deep in my depression, I also pulled away from everyone. One day I decided to call a friend of mine who had mentioned similar struggles, and we actually found comfort in talking about what each of us were dealing with and it really helped with the loneliness.

I don't know if that's an option for you, but it could definitely help fight the feelings of isolation. Because you are not alone - this msg board proves that, and some of your friends might be dealing with the same issues, and not know what to do about it.

I would advise against referring them here though. It might not bother you to have someone you personally know join this site, but it would keep me from feeling I could open up fully, knowing someone I know in real life see what I talk about here. If that wouldn't be a problem for you, then by all means do it!

Yes it is hades hun
you sit n watch time go by sometimes not knowing what day it is
i get so bleeding frustrated

this isnt me you know that
ive always been outside outdoors taking off somewhere kinda person
now its a struggle but i am forcing self
cait said yesterday she lost her fun mom when i took sick that cut deep
huggs
lyn

Good Morning Hippy,


You have friends here in the forum so check in with us and feel free to let out those feelings right here. We always read and just writing down your feelings is good for the soul.



I wish you peace,



Kitt

very well stated Gem
we always hv each other
huggs
lyn

Just checking in on ya hippy n hoping you will post soon
huggs
lyn