This rollercoaster of anxiety

this rollercoaster of anxiety has surely been interesting, ive learned many things.. this journey of recovery is a process and many times we make the same mistakes in our search for freedom, we can fail ourselves at times i think, i came across an incident in which i was dissapinted at the thought that i had failed myself.. why was i stupid to make another mistake, why am i not learning fast enough. i hated myself, i felt frustrated, angry unable to forgive myself.. these were strong emotions and i couldnt see how to get out of it.. it overwhelmed me.. but i realised alot of things.. and iam past this episode however although i found solutions on my own.. i felt like i had been through so much past few weeks and i really needed to let out these things i was feeling during this time, but i didnt have anyone who cared to listen.. the only person who i have talked to most about things.. either cut me off if i started to share what i was feeling or give me one word responses and so i gave up.. this person rambles like theres no tommorow and she makes sure she gets out everything she is feeling, i dont think this is fair at all.. and today it all got abit too much.. just felt sick of having bottled things up and it took its toll today, i have a right to express myself which ultimatly will lead me to the life i know i want, dream and deserve.. its not impossible.. knowing what u need is one thing.. but getting it is another challenge.

I have a co worker like the person you speak of. I wish I could get her out of my life but I'd have to leave my job to do that.

I can totally appreciate the fact that anxiety is a learning experience. I have learned a lot about my life, myself, and how things have changed in my life over the years since exploring my anxiety.

Like yourself oldsoul, I am usually the patient listener. I'm always there for the other person, but haven't usually allowed myself that same opportunity to share what's on MY mind. Everyone says I'm a great listener and tells me that they appreciate my feedback. But when I need to share I feel guilty about burdening others with MY issues. Deep inside I think I'm afraid that I'll scare them off. I think that if I blab on long enough they'll become sick of me and leave. The people in my life are so important to me and I'm afraid of losing them, so I give them my all expecting nothing in return and sacrificing my health in the process.

Through counseling I'm realizing that these one-sided relationships are not healthy and that I need to take care of myself better. If these other people truly care about us then they'll be willing to listen. It might be weird at first feeling like we're "overtalking" but even if the talking/listening ratio isn't 50/50, moving closer to 50/50 is a step in the right direction.

I have someone in my family that is a non-stop talker. He will easily talk for an hour without my getting in a single word. I can't get in a word even if I try. But he gets the stuff out of his system and feels better right away. He yells at the TV, talks to himself, gets angry and gets stuff out. Ten minutes later he's happy and whistling. On the other hand I hold stuff in for years and then it "comes out" as anxiety and panic attacks.

As Kitt suggested I do keep a journal which helps. I've also had to make a concerted effort to share more with others than I would normally. Between the journal, forcing myself to share little pieces more here and there, and a counselor I'm starting to get things out. I've even been known to scream in the car (by myself) if I need to get stuff out and don't want to yell where others will hear me. :) Good luck!!