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Posted 8/20/2010 8:07 PM (GMT 0)
Hi everyone,

Sorry this is so long :(

My name is Brittany and I am 21-years-old. I was raised in a very strict catholic family in the Boston, Massachusetts area. I experienced countless traumas throughout my childhood, the most prominent incident occurred when I was 13 when I was violently raped. This caused me to breakdown, but I feared too much to tell anyone the real story. Instead, I made up a story so that my parents would allow me to drop out of junior high and finish my schooling through an online program. For the next 5 years, I never left my parents’ house. I had nobody to confide in and only the thoughts inside my head to get me through those seemingly endless years of my life. When I graduated high school, I decided that I needed to get away from the place that hurt me the most in order to get better. I packed all of my things into my car and drove to Florida completely alone. It was the most courageous thing I have ever done.

I realized the hard way that things don’t change overnight. I was in a new place where nobody knew me, yet I was terrified to go out of the house. I realized that I had an intense fear of the entire male population; I would hide in my closet with my dog on the scheduled days that the pool cleaning guy would show up at the house.

I spent Christmas in a psych hospital after letting all my feelings out and having a complete breakdown. I spent 2 months finding a therapist that I truly wanted to open up to. She put me on medication that I felt was truly helping me. Then, my health insurance expired because I have never gotten a real job. All of my hard word crumbled right in front of me. It has been 6 months since my insurance expired, I have had countless breakdowns, waking up is the worst part of my day, any slight difference in the day can cause my mood to dramatically change, etc.

I am writing this in the anxiety forum because I feel that it is my most prominent disorder:
I have an attack if a male parks next to my car at the gas station
I refuse to go anywhere that males COULD be by myself
I’ve tried multiple times to attend college, but I breakdown in the parking lot before setting foot inside

I am posting this in hopes that some of you can relate or support me. I desperately need a job, but I have no experience and the economy is horrible. I am not sure what to do at this point and it is causing added stress to my already stressful days.

I would love to hear from any of you and appreciate your understanding.

Thank you for listening,
Brittany
Posted 8/21/2010 4:10 PM (GMT 0)
Hello and welcome to the A & P forum.  I am sorry to read of your problems and I am wondering if you were dx with PTSD ? 

Many therapists will set you up on a payment plan to help you so you can continue your therapy.  Also I would like to kindly suggest you talk with your family as you do need support right now and into the future.  Asking your family for help and support would be a wise decision.  If your were raised by Catholic parents they should be there for you and I hope that is the case.  Do take a chance on them as the majority of parents want to help their child when they are going through a tough time.

Also are you eligible for state medical assistance or perhaps Social Security Disability if your disordered is debillating ? 

Here is a link to a site provided by United Way that may help you. 

http://www.211.org/

Coming here talking about your feelings was brave of you so know we support you and stick with us.

Posted 8/21/2010 4:43 PM (GMT 0)
Hi, I admire your honesty and bravery in telling your story. I am so sorry that you have suffered so much. Kitt has given you some great advice and resources. All I can add is keep reaching out, you have taken some wonderful steps in your recovery, and your strength and survivor's spirit is apparent! You are going to make it. Best of luck to you, and post often-it helps:)
Scaredy Cat
Posted 8/21/2010 5:03 PM (GMT 0)
Thank you both for your support and advice. I was diagnosed with PTSD, and I didn't know that there might be a payment plan option so I am going to call and see if that is possible. I was recently stressed about paying my bills and being behind on basic living needs such as water bills and food, but I feel that my recovery should be most important because it will allow me to get a job and pay for everything after therapy.

Sadly, my catholic family does not support me very much. They are the kind of people that won't admit that anything is wrong with their perfect family. But I have found my very few friends to open up to and support me which is nice.

Again, thank you for the links and advice. I already love this community and plan to stick around and hopefully help others in their recovery also!
Posted 8/21/2010 5:30 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Brittany, Just noticing your post name putontheplay...are you into the theatrical arts? I am a dance teacher and I sing in a band as well. Maybe we could chat sometime, or e-mail if you want. My adress is in my profile:)
Scaredy Cat
Posted 8/21/2010 6:29 PM (GMT 0)
welcome to the family
i see you hv been given great input from Kit n JL
yes do keep coming bk n getting support n input as well as tols to help you out
keep us posted
lyn
Posted 8/21/2010 7:42 PM (GMT 0)
You sound like a brave woman Brittany for moving to FL, for seeking out help, for all that you shared here and elsewhere, etc. Kitt's right about there being payment plans and options such as social security disability. In some instances even Medicare or Medicaid (I always confuse the two) will cover mental health conditions when they interfere enough with your life. Hiding in the closet and being unable to pump gas are examples of how your situation is interfering with your life.

I tried running from my life once too. I used to live in MA as well and moved to the Seattle area after graduating from college. I quickly realized that you can run from a place or a person, but not from yourself and what's in your mind. And you're right it will take time and effort on your part. It's great though to hear that you're so willing to put in that effort.

I'm sorry that you feel fearful of the entire male population. It's amazing the impact that one person can have on a person's life. I know this is an anxiety forum, but I'd like to share something else if I can. I'm a man and have had several women (almost a dozen) in my life affected by sexual abuse (family and friends alike). In one instance when I found out a really close friend had been raped, I threw myself on the floor and started hating myself. I've never hurt a woman, never pressured anyone for sex, etc. I couldn't imagine doing anything like that. But in that moment I hated myself simply for being a man. I didn't want to be in ANY way associated with the guy that hurt my friend. I was ashamed to be a man and later I'd met other men that felt the same way. I started attending rallies, volunteering at a women's shelter and a crisis hotline. It took me about 15 years to realize that I had been emotionally damaged myself because of what these loved ones had gone through. I became overly protective of my female friends, not wanting them to date ANYBODY, EVER for instance and not trusting any man I didn't know personally. Now I'm working on my own issues and starting to relax somewhat (this issue is one of the bigger things causing my anxiety).

There are good men out there as hard as they may be to find, but only you will know when you're comfortable around them. Take your time and don't let anyone rush you before you're ready. You also mentioned your faith. There's a really popular fictional book called The Shack about a father who is really upset after his daughter dies. He then goes on to meet God. I don't want to ruin it if you're interested in reading it, but in this book God ends up being a woman and explains that He presents himself to us a male figure "The Father" because in our society there is such a strong need for positive male role models and that when we can't trust the men or fathers on Earth, we can always trust Him.

I wish you strength, courage, and determination. In time you will be stronger. Another friend believe it or not, once told me that if she could go back in time and change things so that she had not been raped, she wouldn't. She felt that as horrible as the experience was it shaped her into the strong, confident, and powerful woman that she is today. Obviously that didn't happen overnight, but it can be done.
Posted 8/21/2010 8:05 PM (GMT 0)

Fugs said...
You sound like a brave woman Brittany for moving to FL, for seeking out help, for all that you shared here and elsewhere, etc. Kitt's right about there being payment plans and options such as social security disability. In some instances even Medicare or Medicaid (I always confuse the two) will cover mental health conditions when they interfere enough with your life. Hiding in the closet and being unable to pump gas are examples of how your situation is interfering with your life.

I tried running from my life once too. I used to live in MA as well and moved to the Seattle area after graduating from college. I quickly realized that you can run from a place or a person, but not from yourself and what's in your mind. And you're right it will take time and effort on your part. It's great though to hear that you're so willing to put in that effort.

I'm sorry that you feel fearful of the entire male population. It's amazing the impact that one person can have on a person's life. I know this is an anxiety forum, but I'd like to share something else if I can. I'm a man and have had several women (almost a dozen) in my life affected by sexual abuse (family and friends alike). In one instance when I found out a really close friend had been raped, I threw myself on the floor and started hating myself. I've never hurt a woman, never pressured anyone for sex, etc. I couldn't imagine doing anything like that. But in that moment I hated myself simply for being a man. I didn't want to be in ANY way associated with the guy that hurt my friend. I was ashamed to be a man and later I'd met other men that felt the same way. I started attending rallies, volunteering at a women's shelter and a crisis hotline. It took me about 15 years to realize that I had been emotionally damaged myself because of what these loved ones had gone through. I became overly protective of my female friends, not wanting them to date ANYBODY, EVER for instance and not trusting any man I didn't know personally. Now I'm working on my own issues and starting to relax somewhat (this issue is one of the bigger things causing my anxiety).

There are good men out there as hard as they may be to find, but only you will know when you're comfortable around them. Take your time and don't let anyone rush you before you're ready. You also mentioned your faith. There's a really popular fictional book called The Shack about a father who is really upset after his daughter dies. He then goes on to meet God. I don't want to ruin it if you're interested in reading it, but in this book God ends up being a woman and explains that He presents himself to us a male figure "The Father" because in our society there is such a strong need for positive male role models and that when we can't trust the men or fathers on Earth, we can always trust Him.

I wish you strength, courage, and determination. In time you will be stronger. Another friend believe it or not, once told me that if she could go back in time and change things so that she had not been raped, she wouldn't. She felt that as horrible as the experience was it shaped her into the strong, confident, and powerful woman that she is today. Obviously that didn't happen overnight, but it can be done.


You reply means a lot to me just based on the fact that you are a male. When I read the sentence that revealed your gender, I started to shake, but as I read on I gained a lot of respect for you. You sound like a wonderful man and I am glad so many people were able to confide in you with their abuse stories. It really means a lot to know that you were emotionally distraught just for being a man and you took it upon yourself to do everything possible to not be associated with the “bad guys” by volunteering at women’s shelters and a crisis hotline. It definitely gives girls like me a different perspective of the male population, so please know that you are indeed making a huge difference!

I wish I didn’t have to judge so many people based on their gender, I’ve probably let many nice guys pass me by. It is something I wish to get over very soon so that I can continue on with my life. I will take everyone’s advice on here and seek payment plans and other ways to get help. It is funny how life-changing an online forum has been for me in just the past 2 days of joining. My anxiety level has decreased and I have been overall more optimistic in my recovery thanks to everyone in this community.

Thank you so very much for your kind words and best wishes for me, I truly appreciate it. I have gained so much hope from everyone on here and I can’t even explain how much it really helps my recovery. Thank you again. xo
Posted 8/23/2010 11:17 PM (GMT 0)
Brittany,

I appreciate your kind words. It's hard for me to accept compliments, but it's something I'm working on.

You said, "When I read the sentence that revealed your gender, I started to shake, but as I read on I gained a lot of respect for you." I actually was thinking about that when I was typing. Should I mention my gender? I hope it helps and she doesn't just stop reading when she gets to that point. I'm glad you kept reading. :)

Part of my own issue is about not being associated with other men. I've spent so much time trying to convince women in my life that I'm not only interested in one thing, that I've actually pushed some away. Only recently am I realizing that I'm not like these other men and never will be. All this time I was trying to convince others, when in reality I needed to convince myself.

Up until a few months ago I wouldn't refer to myself as a "man". I would use the word "guy" because "man" seemed like a bad word to me. But with counseling I'm learning that there will always be some bad eggs in any group and that they do not represent the rest of us. Only now do I realize that it's not me that should disassociate myself with the word "man", but these other guys. A real man does not hurt other people. A real man loves, supports, and encourages others including the women in his life. A real man is comfortable showing emotion, crying, hugging another man, and stands up to protect those he cares the most about. When I look at it that way I don't feel so bad about being male.

And I don't say any of this to try to convince you "give men another chance". This is just me sharing a little more about my background. I was walking down a city block one night. It was really dark except for a few sparsely placed streetlights. I was alone and noticed a woman walking towards me also by herself. As we approached each other she crossed to the other side of the street until we passed. When I later turned around I noticed that she was back on the same side of the street as me. She crossed the road to avoid me. At first I didn't understand why. But then it made sense and I respected her decision. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you need to take care of yourself, do what makes you feel comfortable and safe, and go at your own pace. Take it slow. Don't push yourself. With rape, control is taken away from you; which in turn is very frightening. I feel frightened when I have a panic attack because I can't control what's happening to my body. Although we can't control everything in life, I hope you'll be able to get to a place where you feel safer to live your life. You've got a long life ahead of you Brittany and I'm encouraged by what you've shared. Again I wish you all the best!
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