Cannot cope with anxiety anymore

Good Morning,

As I read through your post it feels to me like you are taking on way to much responsibility. An important first step in establishing healthy boundaries is learning to let go of taking responsibility for other people's lives, desires, and emotional responses.

Your daughter asking for a loan because she lives beyond her means is an example of one place you could start by setting boundaries.

There is an old saying ~ if you give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day; but if you teach him to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime.

I know it's an all too easy trap to fall into - but, try not to get down on yourself. As your title says, it's just "too much". I'm sure you're fully capable of dealing with any one of the issues you shared (and any you may have kept to yourself) if that was the only thing you were dealing with. But when you stack issue upon issue, stressor upon stressor, it adds up. We can only handle so much at once. Maybe you can make a list and prioritize the things you need to deal with first and figure out what can be put off for now. Maybe even note the steps you take as you work on each thing (for encouragement later when if/when you feel like you're not making any progress).

Taking one step at a time, you won't finish everything tomorrow - but you will be well on your way. It's a silly saying, but "How do you eat an elephant...? One bite at a time".

Only you can control your feelings. Others cannot make you feel bad as I learned the hard way. Learn to love and accept yourself. ((((((((Hugs)))))))))

I used to feel guilty saying no. I always equated the word no with I can’t so now I associate it with I won’t. I realized with the help of my therapist that no was a mode of self preservation and of setting boundaries.

I still get stuck in the guilt circle sometimes when I say no but then I talk with my hubby and he tells me to let it go so I do.

Ahhh Presh- I try to follow your advice but let me give you a for instance. Wed. night son is a day away from last day late reg for college. At 10 pm after husband is in bed he hits me with this. What are you going to do I ask? Well I don't have enough money. We had a big discussion about the fact that this had been discussed and he had been told how to plan at the beginning of the summer. Told him I know he doesn't want me in his business so after saying something once I butted out. Yeah but you are the one who said I'd be effed if I don't register! (My fault again that his loans become due if he doesn't) Did you ask daddy if we could loan you what you don't have? (He had half) No. He storms off to bed. So now I am not even speaking to my husband- still sleeping on the couch. I leave him a note about the situation. In the AM he says he thinks we should loan him the money. OK so now I almost make myself late for work writing notes on withdrawl x from savings and I made out the checking deposit slip. I didn't have a savings withdrawl slip. I go to work. I get a voice mail that son is up and says he doesn't want to borrow the money I better call home. call home- get son. Fine I say but call and find out how much your loans are going to cost you and be prepared to be on hold for a long time because they are notorious for it and you HAVE to find out. Now he calls back- I'm going to register. Now husband calls- is it the blue slip that you withdrawl with? What do I do with the checking slip? Now I have to go to the bank?! He is screaming. I was ready to go before but now this is a pain in my ass and...I yell into the phone for all my co workers to hear- shame on me- I left the effing notes and slips on the desk-I'm sorry it's inconvenient for you to go to the bank but I'm at effing work! I have a very stressful job and it was a particularly stressful day. I cannot handle stress there and home at the same time.
Meanwhile I got back in the bed- at the very edge last night. My RA is acting up on me and I figured the only person being punished by sleeping on the couch is me. Now my husband thinks everything is hunky dory-NOT! I am so frustrated- you are right I'm going to crumble. Only good thing going for me is I took a weeks vacation that is coming to me this week.

Communication is important as Kitt said, but I also understand how tough it is when emotions get involved. I don't want to tell you what to do, but maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing if your son misses a semester of school. Then he'll miss out on seeing his friends and fall behind in courses needed to graduate with those friends. I also like the idea of giving children options. For instance, "you can either register and be a full-time student or you can take the semester off and get a job to start paying off your loans. You can't sit around the house doing nothing until Spring registration." He might get a six month or so grace period and so the loans may not be a problem if he misses one semester, but it sounds like the bigger lesson is about his taking personal responsibility. I know it affects you, but he needs to realize that it's his life, his responsibility, and that there are consequences in life to every action good or bad. Maybe if he has a loan due and realizes he can't find a job in this economy and without a degree, he'll be more eager to register in the Spring. You can have him make payments to you from his "half" (even if you decide to give it back to him later). That being said, I know this may not be an easy thing to say to your child.

I too have had a hard time saying no. I always sacrifice my own well-being for the sake of others. I never ask for help, only offer it. I read something in a book once about how people take advantage of people who can't say no. When the person finally does say no, the other person does what they usually do to try to persuade you... for instance making you feel guilty, pressuring you, whatever. In fact they usually will do MORE of the same since you actually said no this time. It's like they up the anty hoping more pressure, more guilt will do the trick. It takes time for the them to realize that you're serious and that they need to make adjustments. That may make it harder on us initially, but we need to stick with it. I know... easier said than done. I'm working on it myself right now with my own family. I wish you well!