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I'm having panic attacks 10-12 times a day now.

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Posted 11/1/2010 2:55 PM (GMT 0)

hello all... im new here.. been reading through a lot of the posts and have found many others who are just like me. So I thought i'd introduce myself.

I am a 40 year old mom of 6. I have a 20, 19, 18, 15 year old from my first marage, and a 3 year old from my marriage now. I also have a step son who is 19 (the son of my new husband). I have had anxiety for many years.. I guess starting in my childhood. I have a rare bone disease which causes calcium to build up in my joints and on my bones creating new bone masses.. so for example, I hit my thumb when i was a child and a bone developed on my thumb causing it to double in size. So it kinda looked like the letter P from the side. anyways, as a child I was constantly made fun of and told I was a monster so I would do things like wear long sleeve shirts in 90 degree weather, wear pants to the beach because I didnt want anyone to look at all the bones around my knees, etc. This made people stare at me too, so it was a lose lose situation. To make matters worse, my dad was self employeed so when he didnt have enough work to support us we moved, which was almost on a yearly basis. So even if i did make one friend it was short lived.

My parents moved me to RI in the 11th grade and that year really made me miserable. Kids tripped me, called me retarded, and a bunch of other names and when I couldnt take them making fun of me anymore I walked into the office told them i quit and walked home. My parents were pissed and i ended up trying to commit suicide by jumping off a cliff. needless to say i didnt die, but my parents were at their wits end and moved me back to my previous school where i went on to repeat the 11th grade and graduated there 1 year later. That was the only school I made a friend. It was hard because there was no work there for my father, but it was the only way id go back to school. I met a boy (in the 11th grade) who i thought was really nice and he invited me over to his house for dinner. I was so excited! finally a boy who took an interest in me!

When I got there his parents said they had to go out to get a few things at the store and that they'd be back in a hour. They left and he invited me to his room, and stupid me went. When we got in there he told me to sit on his bed while he looked for some video games he wanted to play. I did. then he sat next to me. He then pushed me down and got on top of me, taking a knife out from under the pillow and holding it against my neck. He raped me for a 1/2 hour and then threatened that it would go into my ugly face if i said anything to his parents. He took me to the bathroom where i fixed myself up, while he watched, and when his parents got home we were sitting on the couch watching tv. my eyes were red from crying, and when his parents asked what was wrong, before i could say anything (not that i was going to) he told them we watched a sad movie and thats why i was crying. I sat through dinner while he smiled at the the whole time. i went to the bathroom afterwards and threw up. I asked to call my parents and his dad gave me the phone. I called my dad and asked to be picked up. I waited outside on the porch and he sat there reminding me to say nothing. He knew where i lived.

flash forward a year when i was in the middle of my senior year I met my first husband, well, the guy who would become my husband. I was 18 and he was 24 and lived in the town next to me. we met over the net. He was the first guy i ever had consentual sex with and we got pregnant on our first time. he lived at home as did i and his parents wouldnt allow me over their house because they didnt like ****s. thats what they called me. he had a job until our three month anniversary when he quit because they wouldnt make him manager. He never held a job in the 10 years we were married. I on the other hand worked 3. one at night, one in the day and one on weekends. This gave him lots of time to cheat on me, and he did. with 7 (that I was able to find out) women. after 10 years together we had 4 kids. I worked 3 jobs. Hence even more panic. this is where the panic got really bad.

It was my daughters birthday on the coming weekend. I worked extra shifts so i could afford her a nice birthday. I came home one afternoon to find my husband wearing nice clothes. i thought he had a job interview. he said he was going to a bar to meet an old friend  that was in town. stupid me went along with it. i asked if hed be home by midnight because or our daughter bday the next day. he said yes. then he left. he was gone for 3 days. I worried that he was in a ditch somewhere. the kids cried. we called all the police stations and hospitals. no one had heard of him. on the third day i begged my kids... "tell mommy... did daddy say ANYTHING to you?!?!" and my oldest son said that daddy said soemthing about going with this person.. and i said is it so and so? (the person he was going to the bar with) and they said 'yeah! thats them!" and i said do you guys know where he lives?" and my son said "(so and so) isnt a boy mom.... shes a girl!" He had been cheating on me with this person and left me for her. the next day i sent my kids to be with my folks and a few hours after he showed up and my house and knocked on the door and introduced me to "my replacement."

I have been with my current husband about 11 years now and hes wonderful. He loves me kids and is an excellent father to them..

My problem is... lately my panic has gotten so bad that im having panic attacks 10-12 times a day now. everything sets them off... from a song, to something someone says on tv etc... I go to my doctor and they tell me they're being set off by subconsious thoughts... well if they're subconscious, how the hell can i turn them off?

ive been getting chest pain thats so bad i want to crawl out of my skin. my blood feels like its boiling sometimes. out of nowhere i get so tired i feel like i havent slept in days. I have been in the er about 6 times in the past 4 months, had numerous EKGS, stress tests, you name it. all come back fine. Ive had heart monitors for palpitations, they find nothing.

im taking paxil cr 25mgs for the past month now.. and i take ativan to calm me down but not even the ativan is working anymore. My husband says i need to let go of the past in order to stop these attacks but I have OCD too and im constantly obsessing over it wanting my make everything in my past better before i can move on. so im stuck and figured Id check on here to see if anyone on here is going through something simular..

sorry for the long post...

-me

<Edit>  I gave your post a title.  :)

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 11/1/2010 9:09:03 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 11/1/2010 3:34 PM (GMT 0)
Just a fantastic Lady,

A very warm welcome to you. I am glad you found this board.

I am sorry for all the tribuations you have faced throughout your life.

When I get my panic attacks, they can last for a week or a few days, and I know it is just a matter of time before they will sort themself out. During this time, I do very little self challeging, and this is the time for me to be gentle on me, to not add too much to my plate.

Letting go off the past is not the easyest thing to do - I only ever address this area when I am strong. The trick here, is not to try to make your past perfect before moving on - the past is unchangable, it is what it is - the only thing you do have control over is the future. Stay in the moment as much as you can

I wish you luck
Posted 11/1/2010 4:02 PM (GMT 0)
I'll second awty, and refer to you as "just a fantastic lady" -- because that's clearly what you are. :-)

I can't give much advice for the panic attacks. I am still struggling with figuring out how to control my own and am no expert. But I can say that you are not alone. One of the loneliest things for me, when I am going through periods of multiple panic attacks in a day and heightened generalized anxiety, is that I feel like no one understands. I mean, my fiance' is very supportive, but he doesn't suffer from the same thing and so can't ever fully understand. But, this forum has really shown me that there are lots of us out there, and that we're in it together. There are others who understand. You're not alone, and tonight you will be in my prayers.

I'll also tell you that, from what you've posted here, it's clear that you are an incredibly wonderful and strong woman. You may be suffering from anxiety, but that in no way changes how amazing you are. You are strong and beautiful and brave, and the world loves you. <3333
Posted 11/1/2010 4:24 PM (GMT 0)
Well what a nice thing to say! both of you! Thank you so much!

I have been reading a lot of the posts around here lately, and im seeing that some people suffer at night, some in the morning, some from health related issues (a major panic of mine as well) some from work or school... its amazing what the mind can do.

Im sure that im going to die when i have my attacks. The heart pressure. the numbness and tingling, the breathing problems.. and it stinks when you go to the doctor, and knowing you have anxiety they almost always say "oh its nothing to worry about..." but in your heart of hearts you know differently..

thats one of the major reasons i decided to join here.

Last July, I was at work (I work as a PCA in a hospital -- i know crappy job when you have panic!) and i was doing a 1:1. (sitting with someone beause they were pulling at their tubes, ivs etc) and i was watching tv in their room while they slept. I was eating a granolabar. Suddenly I felt my abdomen get really warm, almost burning. The type of burn you get when they put the dye in the the iv when you have a CT scan. the warmth (burning) moved into my chest and into my armpits. I felt dizzy, i felt my heart rate go up and i walked out into the hallway and asked the RN to call the ambulance. I took my bp and it was 108/80 -- normal. my pulse rate was 172. I felt like i was going to pass out and so they sat me in a chair. I did end up passing out, they took my bloodsugar and it was 32. 10 minutes later it was 40. they gave me sugar and brought it up to 150. I went to the ER and spent a day there doing testing. I kept getting that body burning sensation. they did countless ekgs while i was experiencing these. still nothing. they thought it was hormonal, nope all tests came back fine. They thought it was my heart. nope all tests came back fine. They never found out what it is. I still have it from time to time, but its scary!!!

they tell me its all anxiety. I stopped having those particular heat feelings for a month and now im getting them back again. this scares me all over again..

Im hoping that through joining here, and reading all the posts and meeting all the people that I can somehow piece together whats happening to me.. I want to be able to learn how to sort out the important warning signs of things as opposed to the anxiety feelings of things.

Thank you for being so accepting of me... i know I have a lot to learn, but I also know its going to be worth it in the longrun.

What types of therapy have you guys found to work?

I recently started seeing a therapist and she said she wanted to talk to me about a therapy called EMDR -- have either of you heard of it?
Posted 11/1/2010 4:56 PM (GMT 0)
Hello and welcome! You have certainly overcome many obstacles in your life, and come through a winner-well done! I am glad that you have found us. This is a great place for information and support. I am glad that you have been reading the archives as they are full of good topics.
From reading your post, there are a few things that I'd like to respond to. First and foremost, you have had some signifigant emotional trauma. This can be a trigger for anxity/panic, PTSD and OCD as you probalbly know. The good news is that you are going to therapy, and it will help you tremendously! The type of therapy that your therapist is recommending, is used as well as CBT to treat the spectrum of anxiety disorders. I went through CBT and found it highly effective. I am less knowledgeable about EMDR, but hope that it works for you! One thing that I can say about therapy, is that it takes patience and commitment, so hang in there. (the results may not be immediate, but they will come.)
The other thing that I think you should look into is your low blood sugar. Have you been diagnosed with hypoglycemia? That was a very low number that you had when you panicked and fainted. Low blood sugar can trigger panic and panic-related symptoms-one setting off the other in a cycle. I have to be very careful to eat regularly or I get low blood sugar, which makes me feel shaky,weak ect... this then can trigger panic feelings, when really I just need food! Just something to think about. The better you take care of the physical body (good nutrition and rest) the better off the mental processes are.
Thank you for sharing your story with us, I again am sorry for your struggles with panic lately. Keep on with your therapy, and take care of yourself (sleep, exercise, eating well) Post often whenever you have input or questions!
Take care,
Scaredy Cat
Posted 11/1/2010 10:52 PM (GMT 0)
Hey Scaredy Cat, nice to meet you! I was looking through a few of your posts and saw that you have health anxiety. I have a lot of that too.. mostly with my heart. I get chest pain with my anxiety attacks and always think its my heart giving out on me. it stinks when youre constantly worried about your health.

as far as the blood sugar goes, when they originally took it it was in the 30s, and then they gave me the glucose paste and that brought it way up... when i got to the hospital it came back down to normal. the ER doc seems to think the original reading that they got from me at work was operator error. I had just had a gronolabar 15 mins previous to that attack. the whole time i was in the hospital (one week) all my readings were right around 100. I have never had blood sugar problems, and to this day when they take it at the doctors its always been normal. but i do know that if youre over tired, overly hungry or dehydrated you can feel panicky. Ive been trying to make sure im none of those, but it happens from time to time..

my panic the past few weeks has been averaging about 10 a day. sometimes when i wake up in the morning the awful thoughts hit me like bricks. i open my eyes and they just start up. i try to think of something possitive but more often than not they cant hold a candle to the bad thoughts. lately ive even been projecting the bad thoughts out to the 10th degree.

the other morning, i woke up and had a chest pain. i got upset because i hadent even woken up yet, and already... so i tried to think of something possitive and told myself its only acid reflux (i have acid reflux disease) and that if i got up and got some breakfast id be fine.. then before i could blink i started thinking about how i would die in the ER and how no one would be with me. i pictured my husband getting a call at work being told i was dead. i pictured my kids crying while they were picking out my casket. i watched as no one showed up to my funeral. it went on and on until i was in tears. I hate mornings. and now its even starting to happen at night. when everyones calmed down and were watching tv, and im not doing something the thoughts start in.. no wonder it takes me until 1am to fall asleep....

this anxiety has got to stop! and i hate going to therapy for 40 minutes and then having to just stop and leave until next week. it drive me nuts! how do you deal with it????
Posted 11/2/2010 1:35 AM (GMT 0)
Hi again! One thing that might help you is to realize that you are more stressed in the morning upon waking for a physical reason. Cortisol is a stress hormone that helps the body to get up and going after sleep. It is at it's highest concentration in the body in the morning. A/Pers either have more than they need, or are hyper-sensitive to these stress hormones, and subsequently have reactions. I would often have to repeat positive mantras (it's only cortisol, I'm not dying, or I'm okay, it's only fear) and do my breathing exercises for 10 min. or more before getting out of bed. Doing this and just the knowledge of why I was waking up to panic helped me tremendously.
As far as what else has helped...I mentioned that I had two courses of CBT. Cognitive behavioral therapy is in my opinion the best way to turn around anxious thinking and patterns. It is highly effective for health anxiety, as well as other anxiety disorders and depression. That said, EMDR is newer and also highly regarded, but I am not sure as to the long-term effectiveness. From what I understand it uses eye movement patterns while talking about fears/trauma to unlock negative stimuli in the brain. I don't know enough about it to form an opinion one way or the other, but if you haven't tried CBT, why not ask your therapist about it, and why she is choosing EMDR for you instead. (it may be because of the trauma of your past)
I also read tons of books from the library to educate myself as much as possible about A/P. The more you know, the more empowered you feel!
Finally, this place has helped me, and made a difference in my journey through anxiety. I have learned, shared, helped others and received help and support-you will have the same experience I'm sure.
All of these things together have taken me from a person who suffered panic daily, to someone who can manage her anxiety levels, and function to the level that I need and want to be. (and God willing will stay that way)
I wish the same for you-let us know how it's going!
Scaredy Cat
Posted 11/2/2010 9:26 PM (GMT 0)
Hi Just_a_girl,

I'd like to extend a warm welcome to you as well. I can't and won't pretend to know exactly how you're feeling or to understand all that you've had to deal with. Nobody should have to go through some of the things you've been through. But I can certainly recognize the traumatic nature of what you've experienced.

While it's easy to tell you to be thankful for the good in your life, I know it's not always easy to do. But even in small doses it can over time help dilute the negative thoughts. Awty made a nice point in that you can't change the past. You can though change how you look at the past. When you look at your children do you remember your ex-husband's infidelity or do you see the beautiful children who are a reflection of your own beauty? You can look at yourself as a divorced woman or you can look at yourself as a freed woman who albeit later than you may have liked is now married to a man you yourself called "wonderful". Again it's easier said than applied, but there is some truth to the cliche that whatever doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. Think about what you can teach your children about what a relationship is supposed to be like (how men should treat women, what sex is supposed to be like) even without disclosing your own experience if you don't want to.

The other thing I wanted to say is that what happened is not your fault. You didn't ask to have a knife held up to your neck or be raped. You didn't ask for the bone disease or the name calling that resulted. You didn't ask to marry a man that would cheat on you with seven different women. All you can do at this point is to (usually done through therapy) truly accept what has happened and try to use it as a growth opportunity. Again... much easier said than done.

Just_a_girl said...
My problem is... lately my panic has gotten so bad that im having panic attacks 10-12 times a day now. everything sets them off... from a song, to something someone says on tv etc... I go to my doctor and they tell me they're being set off by subconsious thoughts... well if they're subconscious, how the hell can i turn them off?

As far as the unconscious thing... it's the therapy that's designed to help bring some of those repressed memories into consciousness (things that are unconscious because your mind viewed them as too stressful to deal with consciously). Once they're conscious you can theoretically begin to work through them, accept that they are a part of the past, and finally leave them behind you. You may not consciously make the connection, but you might walk past a man at the grocery store wearing the same cologne as your ex-husband or a song might come on the radio that was also playing the night you were raped. It's only speculation, but those associations can often bring back painful memories and with that the panic as well.

My suggestion is to stick with the therapy. Find someone that you feel comfortable with and that is versed with trauma work. It's a process and will take time, so please be patient. When I first started in therapy I got anxious because I felt like I had too much to talk about and not enough time (only an hour a week?!). I made lists, which can be a good idea, but then I got anxious when we didn't cover everything on the list. But there are other options. If you have the time and money you can consider going twice a week even just for a short time, or what I've done is to take some time every day and write in a journal about the things I've learned from my last session and some of the things that I'd like to discuss in my next session. Sometimes I'm able to work through smaller things on my own. I wish you well!! You are stronger than you know...
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