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I Got Hit Again With Panic

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Posted 9/30/2010 10:52 PM (GMT 0)

eyes  It was supposed to be my first day back at work after two days off, and the panic attack express train hit me around 3:00 PM.  The night before I had fixed my lunch and picked out my clothes, and I was readying myself for the workday today.  I feel awful and dejected.  If I feel better I will go ahead and go to work, but right now I feel scared and jittery.  I am going to fix spaghetti for my husband tonight, and then maybe afterward I will head to work.  I hope so---I PRAY so.  Man, this is so absolutely painful.  Why isn't my medicine working like it's supposed to?  What's the deal?  Even though I'm going through this again, I know God is God and He will do something about it, just like He said He would.  When I'm having a panic attack it's like coming up to a cliff and expecting a bridge, but all you find is a huge, deep, vicious cavern and you're looking down into it and saying "Oh my gosh, how am I going to get across THAT? I'll fall in for sure and all kinds of bad things will happen to me.  Yes, I'm having a 'down' day today.  But hopefully the rest of the day and tomorrow will be better.

Camylou 

Posted 10/1/2010 12:50 AM (GMT 0)
i totally feel you.  At my last job, which i was laid off from in January, while my manager was as sympathetic as she could be, the HR manager was a total pr*ck about my absenteeism, even though I tried as much as I could to have doctors notes.  To him my condition was another word for "lazy" as most people who don't understand panic/depression/OCD often do.  As if we don't already feel embarassed or ashamed of our conditions and lack of life we participate in, others who don't understand make us feel worse by saying we're just using it as an excuse to not participate in the first place.  *sigh*  i am now actively looking for part time work because my fiance and i are drowning in bills ever since i was laid off.  the thought terrifies me because i know that eventually i will have to call out for one reason or another and it always seems that after i call out for anxiety or because of my emetophobia (fear of throwing up/seeing someone do it or being near people who have been or feel ill) i end up actually needing to call out for actually being sick and all the while i should be concentrating on getting better, all i can think of is 'i'm going to get fired for this'.  more and more fuel to the fire. 

sometimes if i feel anxious before work i try to get ready and then lay down until i have to leave.  i set my alarm for the time i need to leave the house and try to take a nap or at the very least i lay there eyes closed breathing and trying to clear my mind.  i guess my whole point of this is... you're not alone and i understand, if that's any consolation.  *hugs*

Posted 10/1/2010 3:06 AM (GMT 0)
Oh Camy- did you make it to work? I didn't realize you work nights. Do you ever tell yourself- I know what this is and it's NOT going to happen! I have had to tell myself just because I'm feeling nervous doesn't mean I have anything to be nervous about. Then I divert my attention by changing whatever activity I have been doing to something else. Sometimes I do math problems in my head. Or I sing a song that I need to remember the words to....In bed is when my mind usually starts it's nonsense with what ifs and worries start whirling around- now I tell myself- bedtime is not thinking time, its praying time and then I start my prayers with you at the top of the list! It's been working for me- before I know it I'm fast asleep and all my friends and family have been prayed for!
let us know how you made out!
Posted 10/1/2010 3:28 AM (GMT 0)
I got ready and drove all the way up to work, and then the panic hit me again and I was whimpering like a kid "I want to go home!" to myself when I turned around and drove back home. Here I wasted gasoline on a bust trip, I was so mad at myself. But tomorrow is another day, and I will try again tomorrow. Yes, I go through my mind telling myself that no one is going to try to hurt me at work, and that I will begin working the manual mail, and everything is going to be OK. But they have me setting up that scanning area on Saturdays and I had to again Monday when someone called in sick. I think knowing that I may have to set up the scanning area is setting me off. I just want to work manual letters, not do this other thing. And still no word from the head supervisor about sending me to one of their USPS psychiatrists to have me evaluated for light duty. It's past time for him to say something, and I'm still waiting.
RA, tomorrow is another day and hopefully I will go to work with no problems. I'm in the midst of my menstrual cycle---it may have something to do with things. Hormones can play a wicked game on your mind too, I've heard. I love you and am so thankful for your friendship and your prayers. Pray that I will be able to go to work tomorrow, and every day after that.
Camylou
Posted 10/1/2010 3:39 AM (GMT 0)
rmcconn85, thank you so very much for your kind response. I am so sorry you're going through what you are, and I will be praying for you. We both need the Lord to change things up for us so we can work, and He will, I know. Sometimes I lie down before work so I can relax a bit before time to leave. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't work; I'll just lie there and think about work and everything I have to do. God help us both, and RA and Kitt and Fugs and Scaredy Cat. All of us need a huge touch from the Lord to get us back on our feet. I love you all and may the Lord give us all peace, joy and love.
Camylou
Posted 10/1/2010 4:28 PM (GMT 0)

Camylou said...
When I'm having a panic attack it's like coming up to a cliff and expecting a bridge, but all you find is a huge, deep, vicious cavern and you're looking down into it and saying "Oh my gosh, how am I going to get across THAT?

When I was a child my mother was hospitalized with anorexia. She was given this poem by Roberta Gfeller that she found comforting. When my anxiety and panic peaked, it was passed on to me and recently to another family member overcoming a 20 year addiction to drugs and pain killers. What you said above about looking down into a cavern made me this of that poem. It's about how when we first experience something (like A/P) we don't know what to make of it and easily fall prey to it. With time we understand it, but still fall prey. With still more time we learn to take conscious actions to move forward, and eventually those coping techniques become automatic allowing us to move beyond it. If it helps you Camylou or anyone else reading this, I thought I'd share:


I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost.... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in.... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.



Here's hoping that we can all in time walk down another street!
Posted 10/1/2010 4:43 PM (GMT 0)
Love that poem!!! What a perfect mix of compassion and accountability. We could all use a healthy dose of both. It's about balance so often in life. It is not of our doing or choice that we have this condition, but it can be a choice to put the work and effort into healing! Here's a power-hug going out to all of you my friends. Thanks for the poem Fugs, and strength and confidence to you Camylou-you can do it.
Be Well,
S.C.
Posted 10/1/2010 10:10 PM (GMT 0)

sad  That poem kind of sums it up for me; I go down the same road, and I fall into the same hole every time.  Why can't I just walk around it and go on? I'm missing another day of work because of the "hole" again.  And again, if I feel better, I'm going to work.  But this time I'd best make darn sure I'm not going to make the trip just to turn around and go  home--too much waste of gas.  I want to see that other road show up, I want to walk down it and leave the one with the hole in it behind me.  Please keep praying for me, I have fallen into the "hole" again.

Camylou

Posted 10/2/2010 12:21 AM (GMT 0)
Praying Camy- pray for me too....see my post about work anxiety arrrggghhh!
Posted 10/2/2010 2:37 AM (GMT 0)
I just deleted my post. I had myself worked up into such a frenzy that I had to take a xannax. After further investigation into the situation I found out that everything was fine. My memory was playing tricks on me.
Posted 10/2/2010 9:04 PM (GMT 0)
Today I'm going to try and go to work. I will be setting up the scanning area and that will keep me busy for a good while. But I am so scared---scared of not being able to drive all the way up there without turning around. I don't want that to happen again---it's a waste of gas. Right now I don't want to go; I just want to sit on the couch and veg out and leave it all behind me. But I won't be able to pay my electric bill and other bills if I don't get in that truck and go to work. God help me, and do what you said you would do---to "turn things around for me". So I guess I will go to work and see what happens. But I am so scared.
Camylou
Posted 10/2/2010 10:51 PM (GMT 0)
I didn't make it to work; I had a full-blown breakdown, sobbing, called my mom and poured out my heart to her. She says there is a doctor that may be able to help me, and she's going to make arrangements for me to see her. My mom thinks that a lot of my problem is premenopause (wild fluxuations in hormonal levels) and that this doctor can put me on something to counteract that problem. I'm fixing to listen to Gloria Copeland on DVD and then John Hagee on CD to get some healing scriptures into my body and mind. May the Lord bless you and keep you safe, and may He heal you of your physical and mental problems, as He will heal me. I love each and every one of you and am praying for you.
Camylou
Posted 10/3/2010 9:44 PM (GMT 0)
How are you CamyLou? Hope you are feeling more relaxed. I have been edgy lately too and am in my cycle. Usually I am more bothered right before instead of during but the older I get the worse my anxiety during this phase has increased a lot. I plan to speak to my gyn about it at my annual exam 2 weeks from now. he will be sending me for a hormone test too to see how close to menopause I am. I have to tell him that around my period I seem to blow the smallest worry into a catastrophic event. I try to remind myself when it happens that it's "that time" and I should know better than to let it get the better of me but you know how it is.
I have to go to work after being off for a weeks vacation and I am feeling nervous. I have a couple of stressful projects waiting for me besides the usual game of catch up. I also work in what is often a hostile environment where my boss undermines me, insinuates I don't know what I am doing in front of colleagues and is just abrasive all the way around. The things he says are not true and wrong- I've had outside sources we are involved with say so and they sing high praises of me all the time. Other times he is friendly, supportive, encouraging....but you just never know. Since I have a fragile ego that feeds off what people say about me- I don't do well when he is ugly which is often.
Posted 10/7/2010 9:33 PM (GMT 0)
I have been in the ETMC Behavioral Health Center from early Sunday morning until yesterday because I had an episode of suicidal thoughts. So I had my husband drive me to the emergency room and they ended up admitting me to the Behavioral Health Center to evaluate me, my medications, and to counsel me about my panic attacks. I have not had a panic attack while I was there, but now they are trying to come back because I know I have to go back to work tomorrow (Friday). I understand about your work stress, it is pure hell and I will be praying for you that you will do well and that there will be no emotional attacks from your boss. My mother has set me up to see a woman locally who deals with hormonal imbalances and prescribes compounded medicines to "level you out" hormone-wize to help stop the panic attacks and anxiety. I will see this doctor on October 20. They don't accept insurance so my parents are going to have to pay for everything, and the payment has to be up-front. I hope this works out for me so I can get off of all the anxiety meds I have to take everyday, we'll see what happens. If I was asked if I could work tomorrow I would say "no" right now, becuase I fear what kind of workload will be put on me. In all, I may just clock in and not do hardly anything all day (after all, it's my first day back and I don't want to have a panic attack). They won't reprimand me for going slow or taking extra breaks, so I have that going for me. I hope that they have worked out a light-duty position for me when I return so I will do better with low stress.
I will talk to you later, my bowels are hollering at me and I'd best pay attention (ha).
I love you and may God be with you every step of the way and every moment of the day.
Camylou
Posted 10/8/2010 2:01 AM (GMT 0)
I'm just on my way to bed and I popped on and saw your post. Are you OK now? No bad thoughts? Did this center concur about possible hormone imbalance causing this?
My goodness Camy I will be praying for you extra hard tonight.
Let us know how you made out at work and how you are doing!
Posted 10/8/2010 4:26 PM (GMT 0)
I feel for you too Camylou. Certainly none of us want to be in the position of needing inpatient level care. But at the same time I want to say that I'm happy to hear that you recognized a need and did what you had to do to take care of yourself. I'm proud of you and glad that your husband was there to support and assist you.

Stay strong. I know you have a lot of pressure on you right now especially with work. It would be nice if you could put off work for a few months so as to focus on the A/P and build up your strength. But unfortunately that's not always an option.

In a weird way, maybe you can turn this into a positive. You've been at the bottom and you survived. You've proven your fortitude to get past this and move forward and I sincerely hope that things will only improve from here. On a personal note, I used to believe that panic attacks could not last more than ten minutes at the absolute max. Then I had one that lasted two full hours. After some time passed I began to think that if I can survive a two-hour attack, then there's really no reason to fear a five-minute attack. So maybe the next time you have to go to work and start feeling anxious you can think back to what you just survived and look at work from a new perspective. You survived the past few days; and by comparison work hopefully won't feel as significant a worry. You were dealing with life and death one day and the next day you're dealing with packages. I hope you can remind yourself how much more important life is than some silly packages.

God bless.
Posted 10/8/2010 9:28 PM (GMT 0)
RA, no, they didn't say anything about a possible hormone imbalance; they just kept giving me the same meds that I was taking before I got worse. I'm not having any more suicidal thoughts, which is good, but I had a panic attack yesterday and didn't go to work. I don't know if I'll go today either, depends of whether my meds work like they're supposed to do and fend off the anxiety attack. I just got up from sleep a little while ago. Fugs, I don't know if I'll ever return to work---the panic attacks keep hitting me. I've applied for Social Security Disability and am likely going to go ahead and apply for my OPM FERS Disability depending on what the head supervisor will give me a light duty position. I've got to call him today and see what he says; all I want to do is to not set up the scanning area anymore and just stay in manual letters, hopefully I can work that way. Right now I feel jittery and don't think I can drive up to work. My husband is working during the week right now, doing extra mail runs and I've been going with him so I won't be alone at the house. My mom and dad are helping out with the bills so we won't get evicted. It looks that I may end up moving in with my parents and my husband moving in with his grandmother. My husband doesn't want both of us living there with the two cats because he's afraid his grandmother might get tripped up by one of the cats and fall. Anyhow, I don't know if I'll be going back to work; I think I'm giving up and just going ahead with the disability. Love you guys and talk to you later,
Camylou
Posted 10/9/2010 4:02 PM (GMT 0)
It sounds like you're doing a good job of assessing how you're doing and taking care of yourself; not being alone, looking into disability, etc. I can imagine that you probably don't want to live apart from your husband, but if that's what you need to do for a while in order to get to a better place then go for it. No matter what you decide or what direction you take, we're here to support you.

Keep looking at that verse next to your door. You may not know or understand the plan, but He does.
Posted 10/10/2010 5:28 AM (GMT 0)
No, I don't want to live apart from my husband, but that's how it will have to be; he's afraid having two cats running around the house will cause his grandmother to slip and fall, among other reasons. I talked to my parents yesterday evening and my mother will accept my living with them short-term (I don't know where else I'm supposed to go when the time is up???) I know the Lord has a plan for my life, not to hurt me but to help me and bless me. Right now I feel confused, hurt by my own jumbled mind and a bit angry, but come Monday or Tuesday I will call an attorney that deals with OPM-FERS Disability retirement and get the ball rolling. Still haven't heard from Social Security yet, but I've heard it takes quite a while for them to make up their minds. I so very much appreciate that no matter what happens, you guys are going to be here for me. There's no one else to talk to except my husband and my parents (and God), and you all know what I'm going through no matter what my husband and parents think. I will keep you posted on what happens. Now it's off to bed--going to run a double trip with my husband tomorrow, long day. Love you guys and take care, and may God bless your every moment.
Camylou
Posted 10/10/2010 5:31 AM (GMT 0)
Oh yeah, to make sure and tell you too that I have had absolutely no response from the head supervisor about a light duty assignment. I don't think he wants to deal with it.
Camylou
Posted 10/10/2010 1:52 PM (GMT 0)
Camylou,

Oh sweetie,  I am so sorry to read of your difficulties but I do see so much strength in you through the words you have written.

I do hope seeing an attorney will help you get things moving and I suspect your parents will not toss you out until you are on solid ground again and are ready to move on.  For now stay in the moment and remember those babysteps. One of the fastest ways--possibly the only way--to engage the brain in changing any behaviour or emotion is to stay in the present moment. Being present means being fully engaged in the moment with all your senses attuned to the here and now. You are neither dreaming of the future nor regretting the past. You are in the moment.

We are all here for you so use us as your support system because we care.  It is a good thing to know you are stong in your faith.

Blessings,

Kitt

 

Posted 10/10/2010 6:53 PM (GMT 0)
Kitt, you may think that I have strength but I sure feel weak mentally. I am trying my best to live in the moment and not think about yesterday or tomorrow. Heck, the Lord could return tomorrow after all! Please pray that I will be able to obtain my Social Security disability and OPM-FERS disability without a fight. I am so glad that you guys are here for me and that I have someone to talk to. I love you all very, very much. I will not be going to work today, too jittery and it's a waste of gas to keep trying anymore, I think. Talk to you later and I will keep you updated on the disability progress.
Camylou
Posted 11/8/2010 11:35 AM (GMT 0)
Camylou I am so sorry for all your grief. You are absolutely correct about USPS and sick leave usage. Have you considered bidding on a different position? Maybe a change in supervision or job assignment would help. You should have good senority with 20 years service. Unless you work at a station or small office; manual operation positions (sorting mail at a case) are few and far between with all the automation and decrease in mail volume. You should also talk with your EAP Counsler, these folks can be quite helpful.

In regard to your disability through OPM, remember the standard for acceptance of your claim is the inability to do one or more task associated with your position. When your supervisor completes their section of the claim make sure you stress that point.
Posted 11/8/2010 6:41 PM (GMT 0)
Viperguy, I currently have a position as a Manual Letters clerk, but they want me to set up the scanning area on Saturdays and it is overwhelming. I have tried to negotiate Light Duty with my supervisor, and so far he has not responded. I have had EAP counseling but it did not help me very much---my panic attacks are too strong and they get worse every time I think about going back to work (I haven't worked in more than a month now). I am pretty sure that my supervisor will say that I cannot do the job, as he won't negotiate Light Duty with me and most likely wants me gone anyway. We shall see what we shall see on that. As far as I know, he has already submitted his section of the claim or will when I send in this second set of paperwork from the big blue folder HRSSC sent me. So far, only one doctor has sent in my file, but he has been following my problems with depression and panic disorder since their inception long ago, so it may be that one file will carry a lot of clout. My psychiatrist as far as I know has not sent in my file, so I need to call them and find out what the problem is. Thanks so much for your post and information, you are a God-send.
I'll keep in contact with you on how everything goes. Have a great Monday!
Camylou

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 11/10/2010 6:53:21 AM (GMT-7)

Posted 11/9/2010 8:57 PM (GMT 0)

I made you a thread of your own so all the members would get to meet you as you have posted your first post onto another member's thread.

Look for the topic with your name in it and just click on that topic.

Welcome to HealingWell.

Kindly,

Kitt

Post Edited By Moderator (stkitt) : 11/10/2010 6:56:46 AM (GMT-7)

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