How to tell mother to leave me alone?

How do you tell your mother to go away and leave you alone?

I don;t mean to be disrespectful, but she;s driving me insane. example:

Im in bed this AM and its 6:45. The phone rings. It's my mother. I dread picking it up. I think about letting it go to the answering machine, but I know one of my kids is going to pick it up anyways and bring me the phone. I bite the bullet an answer it. She doesn't even say good morning. She starts in with "well i just quit my job. I hated that place. I told them to take their job and shove it. i'm tired of it." I cut her off and say "good morning mother." she continues, "now i wont have enough money to make my rent. i'm starving. my cats wont have any food. how will i pay my bills?" I cut in again... "well maybe you should've have quit." The she goes on. "you don't understand. I cant make my bills. God I hated that place. how will i live? at least you have money. (I don't. I have $23. in the bank) you own a house (yeah whose mortgage just went up by $200 a month) you have everything. You have the perfect life!"



I don't. I haven't worked more than 4 days in the past two months because my panic/depression has gotten so bad I can't even get out of bed most days. My husband is strained trying to pay our bills and mortgage. I have 6 kids I take care of. Two are in college. I remind her of this. constantly.

"Mom, I don't have any money either. my bills are all three months past due too. My phones about to be shut off (maybe thats a good thing, now that i think about it) and im struggling to make ends meet too." <mind you its 6:50AM>

She knows I have anxiety. She knows i've been out of work because of it. She knows all of it. She only cares about her and her problems. never once does she ask me if she can help, nor does she ever shut up for two seconds to listen to me. I try to assert myself but she talks over me. every time I tell her I have problems too she always says "but you have a house. you have a husband to take care of you. you have your kids... goes on and on. She doesn't understand that just because you own a house doesnt mean there are money trees in the back yard.

My question is this: How do I politely tell my mother to leave me alone? She stresses me out before Im even out of bed on most mornings and its always about how bad her life is and how good she thinks I have it. Every morning I dread answering the phone. Just the sight of her number on my caller Id gives me chest pain. I feel like crying. If I don't answer it she'll call me up to <and i'm not kidding> 10 times a day until i answer. When I hang up i am emotionally drained, i'm shaking.. i'm feeling like I have to throw up, and the chest pain last for hours throwing me into an even deeper panic about my heart health.

I don't want to be disrespectful but this takes me 5 steps back every morning when all I want to do is get through the day.

sorry for the long post... but i need ideas!

Let me share a story about myself. I have always avoided conflict at all costs (usually at my own expense). My stepfather is a very negative person. For instance, he's constantly yelling at the TV or criticizing the people on it. One day I was in a great mood. I called my IRA company and spoke with a woman 2000 miles away. After she answered my questions we spent another 20 minutes just gabbing (about cookies, children, jobs, etc.). That conversation lifted my spirits. Ten minutes later I went to pick my stepfather up (he couldn't drive because of an injury). All I did was ask, "so, how was your day?" and that set him off on an hour long rant about how the township and the federal government are out to get him. This type of thing was a typical and frequent event. I couldn't get a word in edge wise. And when I did, it was dismissed as he immediately returned to his rant. My great mood and positive day were shot.

Eventually I hit my breaking point and in a very uncharacteristic manner... yelled at him. I told him how his words and actions impact me, how it's great that he's getting his frustrations out in the open, but it's killing me in the process and with my anxiety I can't handle it right now. He tried to jump in, but I wouldn't let him. I went off about how his "jokes" are often insulting, how he only thinks about himself and has no regard for others.... I've never done anything like that before, but it really changed things. Within the next six months our relationship hit an all-time high. Today it's better than it's been in all of the 20+ years I've known him.

I'm not suggesting that you should yell at or tell your mother off per se. But what I would suggest is that you firmly tell her how she's affecting you. Don't let her change the topic. Remind her of how you've been there for her, and ask her to now be there for you. It doesn't mean you'll never listen to her again, but that she needs to at least tone things down. My stepfather is still very negative, but he's also more respectful and understanding today because I finally explained how he was affecting me in a way he could understand. He didn't understand when I tried to talk calmly - but the emotion that was present that day I went off on him made a major impact (possibly because it was so out of character for me). And as SC said, putting limits on relationships is important too. Your mother will keep coming back to you because you listen. She needs to be reminded that she can't use you for every issue that comes up. There are others she can talk to. As an example of setting limits, I no longer ask my stepfather how his day was. I just say hi. I learned that it's too dangerous a question. And as far as conversations I just focus on neutral subjects and avoid the ones I know he'll react strongly too.

Good luck. I hope things improve for you!

Wow. I'm proud of you for standing up for what you needed, and for being clear when she just kept missing the boat. I'm glad she hasn't bothered you these past two days, but I suspect you're concerned that she's offended. You did the smart and healthy thing by letting her know how she affected you, and being straight-forward about what you needed her to do. I'll keep my fingers crossed that she goes one better than not stressing you out and instead learns to call to ask about YOU and offer to support you.

percycat

Nicely done Just_a_girl! I can imagine how tough that might have been, and the point you were probably at that pushed you to say what you did. I remember in my case how I hit this point where I wanted to get away but instead said to myself "I'm not leaving this house until I confront that man!".

Keep in mind that this is just "a start". Right now she may be avoiding calling, but the two of you will talk again and you may need to clarify your point. What is it that you DO want from her? What is it that you DON'T want? And, how do you see your relationship with her moving forward....?